To give do half of this money?

(102 Posts)
moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 07:45:29

I have a feeling I'm going to get flamed for this but anyway...

I started a uni course in September and applied for my bursary and help towards my child care costs. It's nursing so the bursary's quite good. Anyway, the child care help has just been sorted out and the payments have been back dated. Dp and I split the nursery fees. Should I give him half of the back dated payment (where it will be spent on nights out and other shit) or keep it for myself (and buy cheap, much needed winter boots and christmas presents)? He earns almost double what I do and we split all the bills for the house equally.

Obviously when it's time to pay the nursery I'll split the left over amount so we both pay the same.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 21:52:14

As far as I know he doesn't have savings. He broke down a few months ago because he had spent them. Probably for nights out, the bookies and other crap because his wages more than cover his expenses. I could be wrong though, it wouldn't surprise me if he had a small fortune and isn't telling me. I can't even think of a reason for the way he is.

Should I be contributing to his car? I don't even have a license!

DontmindifIdo Thu 15-Nov-12 21:54:33

No, you shouldn't be paying for the car - I would suggest if he says that again, tell him you can't afford to run his car, so you'll go without the lifts and he can get rid of the car and use public transport if he can't afford to run it.

Narked Thu 15-Nov-12 21:55:18

Some people choose to keep their finances separate. Those that do tend to split bills according to who earns what. If he earns almost double what you do, his contribution to the bills should be almost double what yours is.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 21:55:34

The his and hers thing isn't my choice. If I had it my way all money would be pooled together, bills taken out, some put into a savings account, food and clothes for ds etc and the rest split equally as our 'spending on ourselves money'.

McChristmasPants2012 Thu 15-Nov-12 21:56:16

did you work before uni ( if so this applys)

how much money have you saved by doing all the childcare for free.

CaliforniaLeaving Thu 15-Nov-12 21:57:18

It's called financial abuse. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
I second (of fifth) the idea of starting an exit fund savings for yourself. Don't go into debt to pay for anything for him and make him pay his fair share of Christmas, birthdays and clothes shopping for your DS. He sounds awful.

ivykaty44 Thu 15-Nov-12 22:06:46

Hopefully I would never have to use it

thats not the point though, it is the fact you are thinking about doing it, possibly will do it

what does that say about who you are becoming - do you want this person to change who you are? Are you going to allow this person to change how you behave?

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 22:09:27

I worked part time after having ds until I started. I could work now but I'm at uni 5 days a week and only have 2 proper days with ds. I have been looking at bank work though so I can chose when I work and don't miss out terribly from ds.

It isn't all the child care that's paid for. It costs £330 a month for him to be in 2 days a week and I've just started getting £100 pm towards paying for this.

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 22:10:40

Then he should still be paying at least half, if he earns twice as much.

DontmindifIdo Thu 15-Nov-12 22:12:05

ivykaty44 - do you think the advise is wrong to save in case she does decide to call it a day? You say "changing who you are" like planning an exit when you have a child is a bad thing, it might not be that the OP has planned before leaving a relationship before, but when you have DCs, you can't just walk away and sleep on someone else's sofa for a couple of weeks while you sort yourself out, you need to have sorted it out first so you don't screw up your DCs.

That's not a bad thing, that's being a grown up with responsibilties.

And there is nothing wrong with any woman, not matter how secure her relationship is, in making sure that she has some money set aside incase her DP turns out to be not quite so "D" - especially when the woman isn't the major breadwinner.

ivykaty44 Thu 15-Nov-12 22:13:49

If you are going to save an exit fund then surely your relationship is over?

McChristmasPants2012 Thu 15-Nov-12 22:14:42

i would say he should pay for it all.

he should be supporting you in becoming a nurse.

DontmindifIdo Thu 15-Nov-12 22:18:30

Not really, an exit fund can also be a 'plan B' - and having a plan B might give you the confidence to insist on plan A (something changes or I leave) without it sounding like an empty threat. sometimes it good to have options even if you don't use them. Just knowing you have options is often enough.

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 22:19:52

You should both have the same spending money each and all left goes into the family pot.

It's totally unfair.

For a starter though keep this money.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 22:20:39

It isn't over. I don't want things to be over, I just want things to improve and him to stop being a tossed with money. The exit fund would be to make sure that I would be ok if things go more tits up and I decide to leave or even if he decided he didn't want to be with my anymore for whatever reason. I think it's a very sensible idea and I don't know why I didn't think of it. Mumsnet can be amazing sometimes.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 15-Nov-12 22:20:52

I'm another one saying exit fund is needed.

Given that you split all bills 50/50 but income isant 50/50 he clearly does not give a fuck about his higher income by the same slandered if your income increases it shouldn't matter to him, so the bursary is yours not his and the bills should remain 50/50 as per his insistence he doesn't get to reduce his outgoings because your income increases just as you don't under his arrangement.

The childcare bit of your bursary should reduce your childcare costs not his,and that's using his rules.

ivykaty44 Thu 15-Nov-12 22:21:04

Plan b is the same as an exit fund, if you know what you have up your sleeve and he doesn't then it is deceitful and a decent relationship is not built on deceit.

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 22:21:41

Exit fund.

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 22:21:58

aaaaggghhh this phone is really getting on my last nerve.

Iodine Thu 15-Nov-12 22:23:18

No! Keep the money. It's meant to make your life easier as a student. It's not for your partner to piss up the wall on nights out.

You need to think of yourself and DS. I think you're doing the right thing by making an escape fund.

whois Thu 15-Nov-12 22:24:55

I echo everything Svrider says

As do I

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 22:25:43

I don't think it's deceitful. It's just savings.

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 22:28:13

It's savings and you ate doing the right thing !

ivykaty44 Thu 15-Nov-12 22:29:16

if it is just savings then will you tell him you have savings?

moopoint Thu 15-Nov-12 22:30:12

I wouldn't tell him. His choice to have separate finances so it would be none of his business.

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