AIBU to expect condolences

(91 Posts)
spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 00:28:45

I informed my longish distance fiance my grandfather died today..i fully expected him to call on his lunch break. We habitually text throughout the day. He said i should have asked him to call. This eve a text to say hope you're ok and his phone is not working well...then when i eventually email and he replies i say i had expected him to call or get in touch somehow as i certainly would have if his grandmother had died..the blame is mine. He says i am being out of order to make him feel guilty and i know he is there if i need him.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 15-Nov-12 12:39:07

Isn't this telling you loud and clear now what a selfish a-hole he is? I'd tell him to fuck off in no uncertain terms OP, really I would.

HecatePropylaea Thu 15-Nov-12 12:52:22

he is a twat.

I really wish you hadn't apologised. You've just allowed him to think that you were wrong. When you weren't.

tbh, I'd be texting back and saying actually, I wasn't wrong. You were. I take back my apology. My grandad died and you don't give a shit. Go fuck yourself. I'm done with you.

Don't marry him.

And..."fucktard" is not on.

HecatePropylaea Thu 15-Nov-12 12:53:14

Yeah, you've only had your grandad die. HE'S got the pain and agony of you telling him you're unhappy that he doesn't seem to want to support you.

PurplePidjin Thu 15-Nov-12 12:53:51

Suggested response:

"What do you mean, were? I still am. Don't bother contacting me until you've grown up enough to act like a decent human being. In the meantime, your possessions will be sent to <friend or relative> for you to collect. I expect similar arrangements to be made for mine, including all copies of keys to the house"

Katisha Thu 15-Nov-12 12:59:35

Don't be tempted to back down to keep the peace. If you do this he will think his attitude is acceptable. Have you had other incidents like this - you say he "doesn't do guilt..."?

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 13:17:46

well, he reckons that by telling him he should have got in touch cos i would that i am making him out to be a psychopath. i went out of my way to make him feel as terrible as i possibly could. hence he doesn't accept my apology. . . maybe, if the psychopath cap fits. . .

ClippedPhoenix Thu 15-Nov-12 13:24:53

It's because you've called him on his shit behaviour OP so he's now trying to turn it all round as these types do.

Katisha Thu 15-Nov-12 13:29:06

And his chief concern at this time of your bereavement is how HE feels ...and making you feel worse.

Spirited - if you don't give this cretin his marching orders after that text of you being out of order, I will come round and bang on your door until you do. Seriously. The only adequate response to him is as Hecate said.

toofattorun Thu 15-Nov-12 13:55:46

rockinastocking Apologies, I didn't mean to offend. I shan't be saying that word again.

HecatePropylaea Thu 15-Nov-12 13:59:06

If you marry him, do so understanding fully that you are in for a lifetime of this.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 15-Nov-12 14:02:53

Well this is my first LEAVE THE BASTARD for a few months..

But well worth dusting off.. Sorry op for all this on top of your loss, he really is digging his own grave here. May I suggest a cathartic new post in relationships?
list any other behaviour points you might not have found troubling in the past and we will send the girls round talk you through the finer points of spotting the fuck wit.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 15-Nov-12 14:04:16

As a wedding present, I shall be gifting you a life time subscription to NM

BegoniaBampot Thu 15-Nov-12 14:43:02

I can pass on him not calling initially, it would have been the nice thing to do but folk don't always act as you would. But, his behaviour since then has been crap. Even if he was initially annoyed he should have then realised that you need some support and sympathy - this shouldn't be about him. I used to get arsey with my fiancé and sometimes was out of order. After a nights sleep, I'd rethink and realise I'd been a tit and apologise. How he responds will be very telling.

It's great to see your eyes opening, Spirited. Just don't waste another mi ute on this fool of a man.

smile toofat.

That would be 'minute'. Stupid phone.

KellyEllyChristmasBelly Thu 15-Nov-12 15:27:20

YABU he's not a mind reader. If you wanted to talk you could have ring him. Honestly, you can't get pissy for someone for not knowing exactly what you were thinking. Really? This is something you need to spell out for your fiance if a close relative has just died. Just a normal thing someone with an iota of compassion would do surely.

suburbophobe Thu 15-Nov-12 15:29:50

I know now he will go on about how out of order i was until i make him feel better about himself.

Why do you want to marry this man? He will make your life a misery (is already doing it).

I'm sorry for your loss. And then compounded by not getting support from him.

Sometimes these things open our eyes to who and what is really important in our life.

Pandemoniaa Thu 15-Nov-12 15:42:08

I'm sorry but I don't like the sound of him. I'm also sorry about the death of your grandfather.

However, he seems to have turned an unhappy event for you into something that's all about him and his wounded pride. At the very least he is extremely selfish. However, from your subsequent posts, he sounds as if he is entirely bereft of compassion and quite disinterested in your feelings.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 15-Nov-12 15:59:54

Sorry about your grandfather OP.
I can't believe your fiance has turned this into you apologising to him for being upset at his lack of response.
No he's not a psychopath just a selfish tosser who has time to FB but not talk to you. "Longish distance" doesn't mean Mars presumably.

justmyview Thu 15-Nov-12 16:06:06

Well. . I got a response to my apology. It says i know you were upset but you were well out of Order. . .

For the avoidance of doubt OP, "I know you were upset" is not an apology or acknowledgement on his part. The reason? Because he goes on to justify himself. After 24 hours to think on it, he still thinks you're in the wrong.

gwenniebee Thu 15-Nov-12 16:17:14

Well, I have never done an LTB before.

But really.... your grandfather died, and suddenly wanting a "virtual hug" so to speak is unreasonable? What a self-centred piece of work. If, as he says, he knew you were upset then that is surely all the more reason to call? And actually, even if YHBU (which I don't think you had), in the immediate aftermath of the death of a relative, it's acceptable to have a few U moments!

I'm sorry about your grandfather.

Helltotheno Thu 15-Nov-12 16:27:12

OP it's obvious from your tone that this is just a mere blip in your onward progression to being shacked up with a self-centred twunt possible undesirable. There are times in our lives when we're given a window of opportunity to make the right decision (in your case, to avoid a life of forgotten birthdays & anniversaries, putting you last, being a self-centred arse and quite possibly worse) and everyone on this thread strongly suggests that you take it.

If you don't... well let's just make a date for the Relationships forum shall we, in about say, two years from now ?? Looking forward to it already grin

LemonBreeland Thu 15-Nov-12 16:38:47

Just come across this thread. He sounds awful. You are bereaved and have apologised even though you did nothing wrong, and he still only cares about himself.

This really is a case of ltb.

I would probably send a text saying the above re: how he still hasn't asked how you are, and is making you feel bad about nothing while you are upset.

Although it would most likely be a waste of time.

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