AIBU to expect condolences

(91 Posts)
spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 00:28:45

I informed my longish distance fiance my grandfather died today..i fully expected him to call on his lunch break. We habitually text throughout the day. He said i should have asked him to call. This eve a text to say hope you're ok and his phone is not working well...then when i eventually email and he replies i say i had expected him to call or get in touch somehow as i certainly would have if his grandmother had died..the blame is mine. He says i am being out of order to make him feel guilty and i know he is there if i need him.

HecatePropylaea Thu 15-Nov-12 09:40:50

So he's behaved badly and you're going to grovel around him until he forgives you?

Pleeeeeeeeease darling, I'm so sorry that I wanted you to show you care, forgive me...

Please don't, Spirited, please don't.

Iactuallydothinkso Thu 15-Nov-12 09:41:42

Don't text him back.

The previous posters are right here. Let him come to you now. If he doesn't then how will your marriage work really? Big issues come up especially as we all get older and this man doesn't seem like he is there for you when you need him and worse still, you're making excuses for it.

No need for a rant or to have a go. Just play it quiet, deal with your own stuff and I'm sure there's a lot of that right now and see what he does. Think of it as a marriage test. Think of how he will deal with things in the future. This is a good indicator. I hate that that sounds flippant.

I am sorry for your loss.

Spirited - you shouldn't even have apologised, why the hell should you be asking if he accepts it? Wrong on so many levels.

Inadeeptrance Thu 15-Nov-12 09:42:42

You have just lost your grandad and he's making you apologise to him for being upset that he didn't care enough to call you?!

angry on your behalf, OP. Please don't text him to ask if he accepts your apology, HE should be apologising to YOU.

Don't you dare apologise angry I am so very sorry for your loss. This man will put himself first always. Don't put yourself second.

PurplePidjin Thu 15-Nov-12 09:48:51

Please don't abase yourself further. Any respectful, decent, loving partner would be apologising to you for such a monumental cock up.

Let the sword of Damocles hang over his head for once - he's telling you (with mn translating) exactly how he sees you and it ain't good sad

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 09:49:20

Great advice. . I am old enough and have made enough stupid mistakes of this type to know better. How dare i have needs and have the audacity to express them! Thanks folks x

JessieMcJessie Thu 15-Nov-12 10:06:31

Sorry for your loss.

Big Red flag at "phone not working". The classic lying excuse of a bloke who can't be arsed calling. Funny how phones always work fine when they want something (especially a booty call). Think hard before you marry him.

PurplePidjin Thu 15-Nov-12 10:11:58

Hurrah, spirited, that's better - self respect!

Going on from what Jessie said, can he not use the work phone or find 20p for a call box? I've never met a boss who, if i said "my partner's granddad died, i need to call home" wouldn't make it happen!

WaitingForMe Thu 15-Nov-12 10:16:25

I'm so sorry for your loss and you aren't being the slightest bit unreasonable.

There is no excuse not to call even if his mobile wasn't working - I find it hard to imagine many bosses refusing the use of the office phone/employee leaving to use a pay phone during lunchtime if they've just found out their fiancées grandfather has died and they want to speak to her!

AThingInYourLife Thu 15-Nov-12 10:19:36

Don't marry this man.

Of course he should have called.

spoonsspoonsspoons Thu 15-Nov-12 10:25:37

Our work policy doesn't even class your own grandparents as close relatives so making calls at work because somebody else's grandparent has died would raise eyebrows.

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 10:39:20

Re. Phone call. . He often calls at lunch to pass the time of day. Wanders town for an hour so wasn't a question of being able. Wasn't till evening he said his phone was broke. . So surprised at your work policy. That's harsh.

PurplePidjin Thu 15-Nov-12 10:41:03

Spoons, even if it was for approximately the same amount of time as, ooh, boiling the kettle, using the loo and/or smoking a fag?

We're not talking compassionate paid leave for the funeral here

ClippedPhoenix Thu 15-Nov-12 10:42:22

It seems to me that he often calls when it pleases him doesn't he OP. When he has nothing better to do etc. You ask for a bit of empathy and it's not there. It's all on his terms and he's a selfish arse OP.

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 10:44:46

Yep. . And he was merrily posting away on fb all the while. Via mobile

HecatePropylaea Thu 15-Nov-12 10:48:57

When you read this thread back - what do you think?

Can you see what we see?

snuffaluffagus Thu 15-Nov-12 10:55:59

I'm so sorry about your Grandad.

Your financee definately should have called you.. and him not talking to you for this, when your grief is so raw is monumentally immature and selfish. He has expressed him annoyance but now you need support, which he is STILL not giving you... no excuse.

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 11:01:26

Yeah. . Guess i can sad Absolutely being ignored as we always text to say good morning. I haven't Texted either. And no response to apology i made last night. I will update if a lovely gesture is forth coming ;))

toofattorun Thu 15-Nov-12 11:26:57

I am sorry but are you sure you want to marry this fucktard?

HellonHeels Thu 15-Nov-12 11:47:35

Did I read right that he sent 'flirty texts' to you during the day but couldn't acknowledge your loss?

He doesn't sound nice at all.

So sorry about your grandfather OP xxx

spiritedaway Thu 15-Nov-12 12:24:28

Well. . I got a response to my apology. It says i know you were upset but you were well out of Order. . .

PurplePidjin Thu 15-Nov-12 12:28:33

WTAF?????? angry

toofattorun Thu 15-Nov-12 12:36:23

Well his upset FAR outweighs your hurting. Selfish cunt. Don't be a doormat.

HellonHeels Thu 15-Nov-12 12:37:43

Oh dear he's just confirmed himself as a tool. I'm so sorry OP you deserve a lot better than this. sad

Sometimes it takes a crisis situation to reveal someone as they really are.

How do you feel about him and the relationship now?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now