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to be fecking sick of people telling me 'just tell him to...'

(122 Posts)
Leonas Wed 14-Nov-12 21:12:25

My DP does sweet FA in the house and takes very little responsibility for anything at all. Friends keep telling me 'Just tell him you are not doing it anymore', 'Just telling him to do it himself' etc etc. Do they not realise that after 7 years I HAVE TOLD HIM THIS!
It has no effect. I tried not doing housework but cave and do dishes when I am forced to eat my cereal out of a cup/ have so much ironing needing done the cupboard I stuff it in wont close anymore etc.
I keep hearing 'I wouldn't stand for that' as if I am chosing it and don't mind - just pisses me off that people seem to think I want to be made to feel like a dick for 'letting' him not do any housework sad

ihavenofuckingclue Thu 15-Nov-12 19:26:28

And the reason I tell my friends about it is that they are my friends and I talk to them about the good and the bad - is that not what friends are for?

To a point yes. But people soon get fed up of listening to same thing all the time, friends or not especially when you don't actually do anything to resolve it.
They know you are not really going to do anything about it so the advice will be 'leave him' which they know you won't or don't actually think you should or 'tell him'. Which, tbh, is possible their way of trying to end the conversation.

What is it you want them to say.

OP : My DP does sweet FA in the house and takes very little responsibility for anything at all.
OP's friends : Sympathy. How about x?
OP : My DP does sweet FA in the house and takes very little responsibility for anything at all.
OP's friends :Sympathy. How about y?
OP : My DP does sweet FA in the house and takes very little responsibility for anything at all.
OP's friends :Sympathy. How about z?

7 years later ...

OP : My DP does sweet FA in the house and takes very little responsibility for anything at all.
OP's friends : Just tell him you are not doing it anymore

wink

Chandon Thu 15-Nov-12 19:39:45

Op, some practical advice:

Do not have a Big Conversation about how he should help more. You end up with an argument, and doing the dishes alone, again, only now you are also angry.

DO ask him tonight" could you gve me a hand with the dishes?" if he says no ask him why.

Keep asking him to help here and there " could you take out the rubbish for me?" and " are you free to give me a hand sorting the laundry?". " could you change the hoover bag whilst I go and find the duster?" etc.

And don' t iron his stuff please, just leave it.

I have found this to be most effective, and thsi way heling out becomes a habbit.

Chandon Thu 15-Nov-12 19:40:38

This way helping out becomes a habit

AnyFucker Germany Thu 15-Nov-12 19:51:43

It becomes a habit like my dog is trained to always wee in the same spot to prevent my lawn being ruined.

When you have to train your husband like a dog or tame him like a toddler, it ceases to be a meaningful and equal relationship.

IfNotNowThenWhen Thu 15-Nov-12 20:26:16

Amen to that AF.
Would I leave a man who acted like another child, and refused to take any responsibility for our home?
In a heartbeat.
Even if there were children.
Emphatically yes. I don't want my son seeing that only women do housework/are responsible.
My friends dp, who is South American, is a whizz in the house-great cook, does cleaning, takes equal responsibility. She said to him "your mum trained you well" to which he replied "not my mum-my Dad."
If children do not see men doing these things, they simply think that men don't.
I wouldnt be able to continue to fancy a man who treated me like his mum.

Laquitar Thu 15-Nov-12 20:39:43

Sorry, but i wouldn't say for me.

I would say 'Right, what we have to do before bathtime?we better start' or 'dishes or ironing?'.

If that desn't work i would be frank and say what i expect and that men who 'don't see dirt' don't turn me on.

Alarm bell #1
He doesn't technically refuse, he just doesn't really mind if the place is a tip.

Alarm bell #2
His parents had pretty 'traditional' roles.

Alarm bell #3
We don't have kids

If this is already a problem before you have children together, may I suggest that you make absolutely sure you have some serious contraception in place until he gets his act together.

littlemisssarcastic Thu 15-Nov-12 21:00:29

Agree with WhereYouLeftIt.

I agree with OP that friends are there to talk to about the good and the bad, but when the problems are exactly the same for 7 years and you've not actually made any progress in sorting them out at all in 7 years, people, whether they are your friends or not, get tired of hearing about it.

There are solutions, you just don't want to implement them, which is fine, but perhaps you should stop complaining about it then, because that's all your friends can probably see you ARE doing....complaining...about a problem which you are not prepared to do anything about. hmm

DontmindifIdo Thu 15-Nov-12 21:27:36

If you don't have DCs now, then you need to deal with this ASAP before you make that decision. I would sit him down and say it's disrespectful to you to just leave the house a tip and expect you to do it all, he can either make an effort, or you will leave him.

And mean it, if this is annoying you now, it's going to make you want to stab him in 10 years time.

If his parents have a 'traditional set up' I'm interested, has he ever lived alone? Or has he gone from his mum running around after him to you doing it?

As I said, people don't change unless they have a reason too, he has no reason to change his behaviour. Why would he? Only thing that will make him change if he doesn't care about mess and considers it "your job" to do the housework and he'll "help you out" sometimes (see, then he's doing you a favour, not just keeping his home clean), is if he realises it's a deal breaker in a relationship. Only you can decide if you can have the 'traditional' role for the rest of your life or not. If you were happy with it, you wouldn't have started this thread or complained to your friends.

LittleTyga Thu 15-Nov-12 21:45:10

housework question arises, and he says "JUST tell me what to do and I'll do it!". Bingo.

I don't agree with this - Why is up to the woman to tell the man what do? Two adults living together in a home that needs a family to be fed, cleaned, bathed and clothed - and he has to be told what needs doing? really? If the woman knows what to do why doesn't he?

helpyourself Thu 15-Nov-12 21:51:12

You choose to tell your friends that his behaviour pisses you off and you also choose not to follow through on ways to encourage him to change.
Come here and vent if you need to, but it's unfair to burden your friends if you're not prepared to try and change his behaviour.

maddening Thu 15-Nov-12 23:21:14

When was your last talk? How long does he change for? Do you talk about why he is like this and whether he really understands that it upsets you? Can he sort out a system that would work for him?

You need him to invest and commit to change rather than this yoyo of him constantly reverting back to old ways until it turns in to a row which is not healthy for your relationship.

Pandemoniaa Thu 15-Nov-12 23:39:58

My former MIL had a "traditional set-up". This didn't mean she was treated like an unpaid slave or waited hand and foot on a lazy man who couldn't be bothered to take on any responsibility for tasks around the house. I'm not saying that this sort of traditional role would have suited me but I am saying that it wasn't used as an excuse for her husband to opt out - as I rather suspect the expression is nowadays.

SomersetONeil Thu 15-Nov-12 23:40:41

So what do you want your friends to say when you complain for the 100th time, Leonas?

Pandemoniaa Thu 15-Nov-12 23:43:22

I think that even the most sympathetic friends will eventually wonder just how long they need to listen to the same tales of discontent especially when nothing actually changes.

Leonas Tue 20-Nov-12 18:59:56

I would add that I don't constantly moan to my friends about his lack of housework - it comes up in conversation when we are talking about who does what at home/ what their partners do etc. In fact, I rarely moan about it to anyone as it is a pointless exercise and, as so many of you have pointed out, not an especially interesting topic of conversation!
The assumption here is that I follow them around whinging about my man when it is far from the case - just because they know he doesn't do anything doesn't mean I talk about it all the time.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Tue 20-Nov-12 21:13:45

Does it not just kill any respect and affection though, to see him sitting on his arse like Lord Muck while you scrub his shit off the toilet?

It would me. That's what I think people say Leave The Bastard. Yeah it sounds drastic but it would come to that for me because this kind of adolescent laziness would just kill any sexual desire I had for someone. It would be Game Over. I couldn't respect someone who acted like this for years on end. They would just seem like such a giant loser.

It's like being rude to waiters. I'm sure you're going to say oh he's not a loser, he has loads of friends and great professional success blah blah blah. But he is a loser, just like someone who is Mr Big Shot but perpetually rude to waiters. And you are a mug for putting up with it for SEVEN YEARS when there are absolutely tons of men out there with all his good qualities AND capable of picking up a Hoover. Why don't you want better for yourself? If you think you do a lot of shitwork now, just wait til you have kids.

Leonas Thu 29-Nov-12 21:46:50

I am actually quite offended by some of the comments on this and, before anyone jumps down my throat, I feel they often missed the point of my original post.
I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions for staying with my partner and have reasons that I do not wish to divulge as to why I do stay with him. Of course I realise that him not doing any housework is crap, but there are more important things going on in our lives to deal with than that. It doesn't make me a mug, anymore than leaving someone for not washing the dishes makes any of the other posters unreasonable cows. Everyone has different priorities.
I was not complaining about his lack of house-training, nor was I asking for advice on how to transform him to an acceptable standard. I was merely pointing out that I can't be arsed listening to other people telling me I am a fool for staying with him etc etc which is exactly what most people have done again.
Learned my lesson with this one though!

nkf Thu 29-Nov-12 21:51:16

I think if you can't be arsed to listen to people giving their opinions, then you need to either:
a) stop telling them or
b) say please just let me let off steam but I would rather not have advice.

But if you present a problem, many people will try to help you fix it.

maddening Fri 30-Nov-12 09:18:46

Your op said you were sick of people's advice which indicates you are asking your friends for advice /moaning to them.
You stated that that advice is invariably don't put up with it and that pisses you off too.

But all that everyone has pointed out is that there is no other advice to offer - so if you don't want to hear it don't mention it as there is only a limited amount of responses to your issue.

So possibly look at accepting your dh as he is if it isn't a deal breaker for you and talk to your friends about positive things as you have established that your dh's lack of housework is not a problem for you and the limited responses to your complaining about dh are a problem.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Fri 30-Nov-12 09:23:18

I was merely pointing out that I can't be arsed listening to other people telling me I am a fool for staying with him

Then my suggestion would be stop moaning about it. Friends or not they are probably bored of hearing it, if you are bored of hearing the advice.

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