I can't stand it anymore! I need to know if i AIBU?!(134 Posts)
Every week we see my Inlaws, we go for a meal round there and at least one other visit during the week for a cuppa/Visits from them.
MIL also rings DH every other day at around 10pm at night and then moans if he doesnt pick up
When we are in bed together
So the last four days went like this...
Saturday: Spent all day with them.
Sunday: Spent half the day with them.
Monday: 2 hour phone call to DH from MIL.
Tuesday: Visited for about 3 hours in the evening.
Today: Another 2 hour phone call to DH.
I talked to DH about needing some time to ourselves in the evenings/weekends as he works 8/10 hour days. He told me that we do spend time together... "Sitting watching TV" and says that he would find spending the day just me him and our DD "Boring".
Ever since we have been together me and DH havent been out just to two of us and i have dropped plenty of hints that i would love if he planned a trip to the cinema and a couple of drinks after just me and him one weekend, Again this would be boring to him.
So this evening i told him that i do not want to visit nor want any visitors for the rest of the week as i want to just spend time with me, Him and our DD. He thought that i was being extremely unreasonable "Pushing his family away".
I see my family once a week and this is enough for me as i think we have our own family now and need to make time for us but DH cannot do anything without mentioning his MIL and is always saying that he wants us to go over there to see them and if i dont want to he starts a big arguement about how unreasonable i am being because it would just be a "Quick visit"
But it always turns into a 3 hour one
I am sick of seeing my Inlaws so much, I do not get on with them anyway as they have voiced how i am not "Good" enough for DH as i am not at all academic and i am not intelligent enough
And not as skinny nor pretty as his previous partner which his sister voiced when she met me but i am always kind and considerate to them.
It has become to much now, DH wants to see them 4 times a week and i just think that it is way to much! An example of how much he values them is when me and DH were watching a film, Just put DD to bed and were cuddling on the sofa when he gets a text from MIL saying ring her, She would love to hear from him. I told him to ring her tomorrow as we were spending time together and he got so angry with me that it turned into an arguement, He eventually sat down
After telling me how unreasonable i had been and about 5 minutes later said that he was going to the loo. An hour later i find him on the phone to MIL whilst sitting on the bath!
AIBU to want some space and for DH to make more effort with spending time as a family?
OP - my DH is close to his mum. They speak daily on the phone - it used to be 4 times a week till she was widowed 7 years ago - and while it irritates me, I'm fine with that.
That said, we only see her every couple of months as she lives 2 hours away from us, I know she loves me (she's never said a word against me) and adores our kids, DH and I have several date nights (just the two of us) a month and plenty of family outing days at the weekends with our boys and so his close loving relationship with his mum is something that is healthy and he juggles that with our family life. Your DH's perspective is askew - how on earth will you have a rich fulfiling family life if he doesnt spend any time with you and your DD? Yes, seeing the inlaws and enjoying an extended family life is great - but you and he should have at least 1 date night a fortnight and you, DD and he should have one family outing to wherever a weekend too so you can build your own memories and strengthen family bonds. And if your inlaws are rude to you and DD, he should stand up for you!
I'm sorry OP but I think this marriage is dead in the water. The most important relationship in his life is the one he has with his mother...and she seems to agree with this.
Unless you are willing to consign yourself and your daughter to the lower reaches of his list of priorities there will be very little peace for you. Can you really accept that his primary relationship is with his mother and that you are, in effect, the "Other Woman"?
i would be distancing myself and dd from both if them, if you want to see your mother it will be alone.
i lost a relationship cause of a man like this, no balls at all.
Where is the op? She hasn't come back to let us know what is happening
So this started when you got pregnant, do you think he wants to be his mothers little soilder again because he can't hack growing up and being a father himself?
You should just let him off to visit on his own and you and dd have fun doing something just the two of you. See does that wise him up, he might start to value your family unit if he feels a bit excluded from it.
Or you could insist on spending the equal amount of time with your family, see does that wake him up a bit
Are you ok op? I hope you come back, wr want to know how you are
Ty to *rudolph's" idea - he either commits to his family with you and does what it takes to build a proper relationship, or he commits to his family with his mother and leaves you to get on with your life.
Yikes. I see I'm not the only one who thought of Norman Bates!
OP - what is MIL's relationship with DD like? Does she care about her grandchild? If TH (that's Twatty Husband) goes round there without you, does MIL want him to take DD too?
I'm just wondering if she would be happy babysitting once a week.
Can you do things and invite him along? Taking kids swimming, park etc? Just an idea.
Please do show him this thread. Everyone's opinions are perfectly reasonable - except his.
Can you start asking around - ask people how much time they spend with their IL's. We don't see ours very often as they are miles away but if they were closer, it would be no more then twice a week (Maybe tea after school once a week and then alternate Sundays for a few hours. They might also babysit one a fortnight.)
I strongly suspect you both need relationship counselling. I think he has quite a few issues as he does not want to spend time alone with you and DD - and then also needing his mum far too much starts alarm bells!!
I would let him choose between - relationship counselling or him going to live with his mother while you/DD remain in house. Tell him he can visit when he feels he can give you and DD his undecided attention - without any relatives or friends around.
Until you said you had a DD and not a DS I was sure you were my sister's ex-husbands new wife
My sister lived in hell with her husband (lacking any evidence of a scrotum) and a mother-in-law from hell. Every spare minute was spent with the PIL or on the phone to them. Right from early on the MIL said that she wanted to be "the last person he spoke to at night and the first person he spoke to in the morning". So he would speak to her from their marital bed just as he was dropping off...mental!
He has married someone else and I feel so sorry for her - this woman is dangerous and toxic - urgh
Going on my experience I would get out. Quickly.
To me, it reads as if he has never been that interested in you.
Even in the early days of your relationship he invited friends out? Was that so he didn't have to be alone with you?
It sounds as if he is doing everything in his power not to have to spend any time with you.
How on earth could you really get to know a person if there was always someone else around?
How old is he? Was there pressure on him to get married and have a family?
I'm sorry - but he sounds like an absolute knob.
I can't help thinking lottiegarbanzo may be onto something here... Is it a lavender marraige for him?
I don't think there is any hop here, you can show him this thread buy I doubt it would make a difference
I think you are wasting your life away with this idiot
Stif - and a tentative lol....
Mum - yikes looks like it! I was just surprised it hadn't come up
I'm a shocking thread killer though bit I do so hope the op is ok/gained something from this thread even if it was just to let off steam
I just read your OP to my DH.
I'm afraid to say his response was "is he still breastfeeding?"
"His response was that he has his own family as well as me and DD and I will not push them away from him. "
His own family is you and your DD
My Oh and his mother is a thread of its own, but even so OH acknowledges it is unacceptable for his mother to intrude in 'our' time and enforces that.
Until your OH sees you and DD as his family and worthy of respect and time you are fighting a losing battle, sorry.
In my personal experience, OH thought that being at his mothers beck and call 24hours a day, updating her hourly, 'living' with me but still spending 3~ 4 nights at his mother as normal.
I issued an ultimatum and stuck by it, it helped that at that point he had spent time with my family, who are by no means normal, but are more normal IYSWIM.
That you can love your Mum/Dad but only call once, twice a week.
That 'normal' parents want their children to be happy
That 'normal' parents see their child having a relationship as a normal part of growing up and that while they will always worry, esentially they want their child to be happy.
I know for a fact that my Mum has big issues with one of my BIL, it's a personality clash, religion, politics thing. she has admited once that if he wasnt one of the family she wouldnt give him the time of day, however I am also 100% sure neither my sister or BIL realise this.
Some may think this is my Mum being two-faced, however I see it as my Mum taking a step back saying I do not like this person, but he makes my child happy AND he treats my child well (actually he adores hers and has done for 20 years), therefore he is worthy of respect, and welcome.
Your MIL and more importantly your DH do not see your family as worthy of respect.
Untill he sees you/him/DD as a family. . . You're on a loser, sorry.
Yes, remember we're only responding to and extrapolating from the little you've told us. We don't actually know much about your relationship.
Are you ok, OP? Hope we didn't scare you off with our collective horror at the situation you've described.
Haha amarylis you cleared the room!
Invasive I know op but are you and dh still having sex?
I'm another one just sitting here agog. I don't know what's worse - the fact he's such a mummy's boy, the fact he finds you boring or the fact he's never spent time with just you alone. I am just and really really for you OP. You are being way too diplomatic and accepting of his ways. I just don't know how you've put up with him and highly doubt you will be able to change him. It just sounds sooo weird and unhealthy. Is he loving and affectionate towards you generally? (Daresay he rarely has the opportunity to be as most of the time you are with his family )
Who could possibly speak to their mother on the phone for two hours?? Christ, I'd be jumping out of the window.
You have my sympathies, it's a very odd sitution! Obviously you're not saying you want to "push his family away" but that level of contact is HIGHLY unusual and is obviously causing a problem.
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