To put the scarf back on my head due to family pressure? I can't take this.

(89 Posts)
NoScarfOnMyHead Tue 13-Nov-12 20:21:33

You most prob remember me. For the last few weeks dh has had a few pains in his chest area and been struggling to get a good lungful of air. After a trip to A&E and an ECG and x ray, as well as trip to doctors to test breathing etc, he has been declared asthma free and heart attack free. Perhaps a bit of work anxiety or the. Fact he has just started playing football again after not doing it for so many years/poor diet etc. anyway just got a text from mil. Implying that his chest pains are a result of my decision to remove my headscarf. She also said maybe he's too afraid to tell me...(dont know what kind of relationship she thinks we have) but has asked me to "think about it please". I may as well just fucking put the cloth back on my head to shut everyone up mightn't I???? Really upset and quite frankly doubting every inch of myself.

giveitago Wed 14-Nov-12 13:32:22

OP - how you demonstrate your faith is your business and not your mil's. If your husband was seriously ill because of your lack of headwear THIS would be very odd.

You need to keep your distance from her (aka get her out of your life)

My mil is not from your faith but a similar one (southern european christian )she calls me now and then to tell me very odd things about how I'm (presumably) not looking after HER child (she means both ds and d). Hum. I just remind her I'm a better mum than her as I'm not encouraging my boy to be a mummy's kid, but instead an educated and comptent person who will do well in life and have a huge life (with both men and women in it)that respects other people (not like her). I'm apparently to blame that my husband is stressed (as I'm not a good catholic woman and causing issues). .
Deal with it and get her out of your radar. Fast.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 14-Nov-12 13:09:19

I despair of any such "I do this and you don't so that makes me more holy than you" attitude that ignores any personal devout commitment. I'm sorry I haven't read your previous posts but if as sashh mentioned upthread, you have already thought and prayed on this issue, and have presumably assured MIL of this, I don't see what more you can do.

Assuming MIL's concern for your DH is at the root of this mingled with a sort of point scoring I would focus on his well-being and reiterate you are keeping all the religious observances and trying to lead a good life and care for your family. Then limit your weekly encounters with her.

WineGoggles Wed 14-Nov-12 12:30:55

no scarf I remember your other thread and thought good for you to stick up for your beliefs. As I remember your DH was backing your decision but your MIL was being a PITA. It would be such a shame to give in just to get her off your back but I can understand if you feel it's just not worth the aggravation. Can your DH get her to STFU about it?

rogersmellyonthetelly Wed 14-Nov-12 11:49:25

Wow how to put a guilt trip on you by your mil!
Tbh I would just tartly reply "perhaps he is stressed because he is sick of you going on about the bloody headscarf!"
I have a mil who insists that my husbands explicit sex conversations on the Internet with other women are because we were never really suited to one another (read I'm not good enough for him) and we should never have got married. After listening to this shit for weeks I finally snapped and told her exactly what I thought. She didn't like it, but at least she hasnt mentioned it since!

NoScarfOnMyHead Wed 14-Nov-12 11:15:00

Subhanallah gheeba is awful isn't it.that goes for me too although alhamdulilah with mil, I'm always praising her to everyone,especially hubs, to keep the peace and keep bad thoughts at bay. Must also be careful about what I say. You're all keeping me strong and remind me first and foremost of my intentions,which certainly are not (as some think they are) to go swooshing my hair about and flirting with guys! For crying out loud you know I specifically wear it in plain styles to keep the point of modesty. Thanks so much everyone, will update soon xxxx

Softlysoftly Wed 14-Nov-12 11:06:37

Send her this

Her sin is far far greater than any imagined one by your decision on something that is debatable.

My MIL doesn't want me to feed DDs in public as apparently people looking at her food causes illness (evil eye) having photos taken while pregnant could have caused my mc (jealousy) and a myriad other things. We smile and pay her on the head as she is kind but misguided. You give into this your future is doomed.

nailak Wed 14-Nov-12 10:51:41

sis, you not a bad person!

Don't let her make you question yourslef. Let your confidence and esteem come from the fact you know that in every action you do, you are doing the right thing, and you know your intentions are good.

Molepomandmistletoe Wed 14-Nov-12 10:21:40

How can she call herself a nice person ( which is what every religion aims for) if she is willing to use emotional blackmail/bullying over something SHE does not agree with? Something that has no impact on her, or her family or has any opinion on in regards to the decision process?

How can a nice person blame their sons illness on his wifes clothing?

Ask her that and see what she says.

TheBigJessie Wed 14-Nov-12 09:23:58

I'm going to say the same as I would if she was pressuring you NOT to wear a headscarf. It is YOUR hair and your religious decision. It should never be about pressure. If she believes a scarf is best for HER, then she should wear one. She should also respect your religious beliefs!

Would it be counter-productive, if you sent her an email saying you've considered her text, and you would like her to take a look at the following links to pictures of Ascot Ladies' Day hats? If you do a google search, there should be some brilliantly absurd ones.

It could make your point nicely and give you a very much-needed laugh at the same time.

I hope your husband's health improves and the chest pains don't come back. Best wishes.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Wed 14-Nov-12 08:55:42

NoScarf your MIL was completely out of order blaming your husband's illness on your not wearing a scarf. What a load of rubbish. I hope he starts to feel well soon.

I have Muslim friends at uni and some wear scarves and others don't. They are sincere in their love for Allah, they just express it differently.

FellatioNelson Wed 14-Nov-12 08:48:15

Even if your DH were not 100% comfortable with your decision I am sure you'd be VERY aware if it was upsetting him to the point of illness and stress. I cannot imagine he'd just suffer in silence if it were that important to him. If anything the stress is probably coming from the constant pressure and whingeing of his mother and his difficult position in trying to be loyal to you and respect your choices, but managing to appease his mother as well.

It is not as a direct result of your decision. She just wants you to think it is. Because she's trying to manipulate you with emotional blackmail. Stand firm and I am sure your DH will support you. Especially if you live in the UK and not a majority Muslim country.

YABU - if YOUR choice is not to wear the scarf (sorry not sure of your circumstances) then don't wear the scarf.

Its your life, your body, your decision - your husband's health is a competely separate matter from whether your wear a scarf or not.

Please don't doubt yourself - everyone has an opinion about something but that doesn't mean that everyone is right. The only person that can decide what is right in your situation is you and you must have felt comfortable making the decision initially not to wear a scarf now you must not allow other people to convince you to overturn your decision to make THEM feel better.

Good luck.

OldMumsy Wed 14-Nov-12 08:40:27

I am so glad I am not religious and have no family with an axe to grind. It must be really wearing added to the normal vicissitudes of life. This is not meant as a dig, just an observation.

NoScarfOnMyHead Wed 14-Nov-12 07:53:43

No wonder some are of the view that religion is backward. There's no critical thinking anymore, just following what religious clergy say without any questioning or interpretation on the part of the individual. I hope if I do back off a bit, mil will understand she needs to respect my decision. I still cannot believe the fact that even though I'm extremely practising, I'm suddenly being ostracised literally over a piece of cloth on my head.

Chopstheduck Wed 14-Nov-12 07:36:01

I'd def cut down the visits a bit, and gain a bit of distance.

I have in laws like this, (hindu not muslim though) and we just backed off altogether, and I think they are starting to realise that we do find the pressure a bit much and they do have to respect that we do have different feelings on things.

My in laws are a bit like yours. As bad things have happened, they've become increasingly religious because they think if they don't do xyz then something else bad is going to happen. I can really sympathise will you having to deal with that train of thought! I also think you aren't going to change her feelings, so a bit of space might make her realise that she does have to respect your views on matters too.

I wouldn't do things just to keep the peace, as I've found from experience that they just demand more and more.

NoScarfOnMyHead Wed 14-Nov-12 07:23:26

Anyone else who knows someone that never says things to their face but will either talk behind their back or send a text message? angry

NoScarfOnMyHead Wed 14-Nov-12 07:21:21

Hubs said he's going to speak to her. He is v calm when he says things like this but I know he will tell her in no uncertain terms to back off. Feel good about that but not good about having to see her every week. I'm used to going round there soon as I drop off ds to nursery but I'll now be limiting that to 3 days per week out of the 5.

diddl Wed 14-Nov-12 07:13:47

"Implying that his chest pains are a result of my decision to remove my headscarf."

That´s so ridiculous that it doesn´t even deserve a response!

I think you should do what you feel is right for you-as she does.

I find it very intolerant that they cannot accept your decision & wish to force you to comply with what they want.

NoScarfOnMyHead Wed 14-Nov-12 06:43:54

I am not going to see her today, purposefully. I sent her a text back thanking her for her concern, and that hubs was supporting me, and said I would see her on Thursday. She wears the headscarf because from what she has been taught in life by other people, that's how to be more religious. In a way, because of her own severe lack of knowledge about islam and because she doesn't seek knowledge for herself, there is no point going through it. There was never much point in even telling her and explaining to her all my evidence and reasons for doing so. With regards to her friend, she watches a ton of Islamic tv which is fine, but only airs the views of the majority, hence her opposing my decision. I'm both shocked and amazed at people's reactions and immediate judgement on my decision, and I seriously feel like I need to write a book about it!! Lol

Fairylea Wed 14-Nov-12 06:29:22

Don't do it.

If she is that narrow minded then think of it as doing the world and your religion a favour by demonstrating to her the different ways people are now able to follow your faith.

Do NOT give in to her.

sashh Wed 14-Nov-12 04:21:11

Don't do it.

You made your descidion, if I remeber rightly you did a lot of reading and praying first.

Your husband's symptoms are most likly to be because he has taken up football again.

I did have a smirk at your MIL though - maybe that's why parts of Scotland have shorter life expectancy and more heart disease. Nothing to do with fried mars bar, all to do with not enough headscarves.

AdoraJingleBells Wed 14-Nov-12 01:49:30

The doctor did not suggest that DH's chest pains were due to you having decided to stop wearing the head scarf, therefore his pains are not due to your decision.

Don't bow to this pressure. You need to do what is right for you or you will never feel comfortable being yourself. That would lead to a variety of issues. You need to be happy, and you have already identified that wearing the headscarf prevented this, as identified in your previous threads. Your DH is supporting your choice and you don't need his family's approval.

I also assume you MIL hasn't thought quite so deeply about why she does wear the scarf?

I think sgb summed it up really well with this
"In general, it's more important to be a good, kind, trustworthy person than to wear or not wear any particular item of clothing.

And I really can't see how anyone who insists that other people wear certain items of clothing is being a particularly good or kind person."

You have your own reasons for not wearing it, it doesn't reflect badly on you. Your MIL's reaction does reflect badly on her though.

midseasonsale Tue 13-Nov-12 23:14:36

can you text back 'would you like DH to ring and go over things a second time with you? You seem a bit confused'

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