ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
To buy my own Christmas presents?(109 Posts)
OK, so I am not a materialistic person. Really, I'm not. But it is nice to get presents. When I was growing up we never had much money (my parents were on benefits for most of my childhood), but they always made sure we had great Christmases and Birthdays. They didn't spend a lot of money, as I said, we didn't have it, but they made us feel special and loved.
My DH on the other hand never bothers. I cannot remember the last time I got a present from him. Every birthday, christmas, anniversary, I tell him what I would like, but he never gets me anything. He used to, years ago. I always get nice things for him. His latest excuse is that he can't use his debit card to buy online from the UK (we are overseas), but he could ask me to get something and give me the money, or set up a Paypal account, for instance. Or buy something locally. He always manages to get presents for his parents
I talked to him about it last night (again) and told him that it makes me feel that he doesn't appreciate me, to which he gave his usual reply, "yeah, fair enough". And I told him that it wasn't really good enough, to which he replied "nah, it's not, is it". That's it. End of the conversation.
So I made a list of all the things I have wanted for the past couple of years, and I am so tempted to just buy them for myself . I am sitting here with my list and my credit card.
Should I? Or am I BU? Thanks. Feel free to flame me if I am.
Hmmmm, I'd say that he has lost interest and more than a little bit of love for you.
It does seem like it, doesn't it?
I think he has a bloody cheek telling you what he wants. I would be buying him exactly what he gets you. Nothing.
Then if by some miracle e gets you something this year you can tell him now you know what it feels like. I know you like to do things for him to make him happy, I'm the same with my dh, however it is something g shared, if e behaved how yours does there would be trouble. And as someone else said, this really is t about the presents, it's his attitude.
Yes really, you sound like his flatmate not his girlfriend. He expects gift from you but cant be arsed to get you anything, he sounds like he uses the ivf as a ' aren't i great' card 'I've done this for you and thats enough'
Doesn't sound like your very happy
No, I'm not, really. But not unhappy enough to leave.
I think both the lack of effort and the response when challenged speak volumes IMO.
It shows a distinct lack of respect and like he is just not arsed about you
The fact he buys others gifts makes it worse.
Indeed ENormaSNob. Why can he put effort into everyone elses gift but not even try for you?
I agree with Santasinmypudenda Don't buy him anything and spend the money on yourself and your children. If he doesn't make an effort for you why should you for him?
He manages to do it for his parents, so it is not a generalised 'presents don't matter' - it is a specific 'presents for my wife don't matter'. And "He has already hinted at what he wants for Christmas." Well, he can fuck right off!! Really, DO NOT BUY HIM ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS. The fact that you do lets him continue to think that his behaviour is acceptable. He needs to be on the receiving end of HIS OWN behaviour to understand it. And he'd better be abjectly apologetic to you on Christmas day and not a whingey little arse.
I think it might be better to try and revive the relationship and rekindle the spark. Perhaps you could have a joint present of night away together, or some evenings out, and leave the children with a sitter? The IVF thing obviously bothered him, it does sound like he felt pressured and resents it. Ok so he shouldn't be using that for point scoring in front of the children, but you do need to talk about it and clear the air.
YANBU to buy yourself christmas presents but YABU to buy him anything and to put up with his behaviour. It's all very well that he often tells you he loves you but actions speak louder than words and he simply can't be arsed can he. What a selfish bastard . If I was with someone like that he'd only not get me a present once; twice would be a deal breaker unless in exceptional circumstances. And I'd definitely never buy presents for a partner who didn't reciprocate.
Hairy I don't think it's unreasonable to want to buy your DH a lovely present for Christmas. Clearly you have a problem with him not buying you presents but that doesn't mean your relationship is at risk. He has some kind of mental block about you and presents and you can either accept that this is one area he is crap about or you can encourage him to be more active. But definitely buy stuff for yourself, you need a treat too.
My DH didn't buy me an eternity ring after my DS1 was born because money was tight. Fair enough but five years later when he had the means (and I wasn't expecting anything expensive) he still hadn't got round to it. I found one I liked, cut out the picture from the catalogue, wrote 'Hint hint' on it and very obviously tucked it into his breast pocket. What do you know, a week later a lovely ring arrived! Sometimes they need all the help they can get!
Can you make it more clear to him that you expect a Christmas present from him?
Hairydieter, if you don't feel valued in your relationship this will be pyschologically and emotionally damaging for you and your dc so you really do need to resolve this situation.
Mentioning the IVF in arguments is totally unacceptable. I suggest you give counselling a try. You owe it to yourself and the dc to make some changes and not to carry on like this.
"He rings me several times a day because he is 'missing' me."
I'd wonder if he was checking up on me ...
"He tells me he loves me often."
But is happy to do something to you that you have repeatedly told him upsets you.
"He would never say 'no' to anything I wanted, although that's not really the point..."
You don't sound like you ask for much. You asked for IVF, he said yes - and flings it in your face regularly. Doesn't exactly encourage you to ask, does it?
Hairy, it sounds like this self absorbtion, started with his upbringing.
Your said that his mother told him that your hospitalisation was an inconvenience for him.
Either he has always been the centre of parents world or they tiptoe around him for other reasons.Either way thats difficult to live with.
Wish I could help more.
By the way, and this is just me being nosy, and wont really help you, but what did he ask for for christmas?
Hmmm this was a significant issue in my last relationship which got progressively worse. Its incredibly hurtful/humiliating to have nothing to open at Christmas/Birthdays.
If I had my time again I absolutely wouldn't buy him anything- as strange as that feels to do. It will hopefully be a wake up call for him. If it's not it doesn't bode well to me.
Incidentally I'm not getting anything from DH this year but that is as I'm on mat leave and skint- peace of mind about finances is more important this year and that has been agreed!
He wasn't indulged as a child, at all. His parents are quite mean and he didn't get a lot of stuff. I wonder if that is why he is mean with me?
His parents really dislike me. It's nothing I've done, they just dislike me. The SIL is very jealous of mine and DH's relationship and has caused a lot of problems over the years.
The present is something he wants for his car. It is $600.
Is he not giving to you ,because his family will find out, and give him a hard time?
By him putting you last,they are being reassured that he cares for them more than you. To jelous mean people this must be a great payback.
Maybe this is what is happening, if so he still needs to man-up
Loving your presents by the way .
"*He has a history of being quite secretive*, although I don't think he's hiding anything at the moment."
I'm curious about this Hairy. 'He has a history' implies multiple instances. What sort of things was he secretive about? How did you find out about them eventually? Do you believe you found out about them all?
I think our DH's must be related. I never get birthday/Christmas/Valentine presents or cards and tbh he isn't bothered whether he gets any either. It really upsets me and makes me resentful. When I have bought stuff for myself and put it under the tree at Christmas the children think he has bought it for me and I resent that too!
I really feel for you HairyDieter. I think you may be right about his upbringing. Dh's parents were/are mean and Dh had very little as a child - most of it hand-me-downs. Having said that, he doesn't begrudge the kids presents - as long as I buy them . He must have a lovely Christmas with all those surprises...
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack - you touched a nerve!
WhereYouLeftIt, he managed to maintain quite a committed porn addiction over a long period of time without me even having a hint that he liked porn. I literally had no idea. He doesn't do this now, I am glad to say. Although my self-esteem never recovered.
His family blatantly don't like me, yet he maintained for years that they did. I uncovered some emails that illustrated the depth of their dislike for me that he had never disclosed. I felt he should have been honest.
He lies about things. And I suspect there are other things he has lied about. I just don't know.
I wonder if he still gets his parents gifts because he is scared of their reaction if he doesn't.
And yet he still doesn't give a shit that you have nothing. Sounds like he respects them more than you. Cashmere is right - humiliating is exactly what it feels like to have no gift (in my case it was my parents who don't often bother).
What will your DCs think when they see you get no gift from daddy?
Can't believe he actually hints at what (incredibly expensive) gift he wants and still gets you nothing?! Tosser.
Loving your presents by the way .
Glad you like them .
Can I just throw into the mix the different ways people express love. Some do it through gifts, some through words and some through actions. Maybe you show love in different ways? Him through words, you through gifts. Uselessly I can't remember the name of the book I read that talked about this but it shone a new light on several of my close relationships - my mum, who does loads for us but has never said she loved me, my sister, who needs to be told ahe is loved. You can see the problem there straight off!
I don't know how relevant it is, but I just wonder because you say he phones often and doesn't seem to get the present thing at all. I also never understood the whole present thing, just buy what you want yourself, sorry, but I do see that others seem to see it differently. I'm afraid I did give up this year for dh and just said to get himself a bike he wanted. I'd rather do that every year tbh but dh would start to complain
Anyway, it was just a thought
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.