To be sick of people trying to tell me how to care for my newborn?

(61 Posts)
Revelsarethebest Fri 09-Nov-12 08:41:53

My newborn is 3 weeks old. Im 25, married and a first time mum (although have qualifications and alot of experience in babies and children so not clueless).

My baby has terrible wind and really struggles with it. I ve spent hours winding her, changed to anti colic bottles etc, use infacol etc, nothing has helped.

I went to see a friend yesterday (shes much older than me and has a daughter whos 30). All the time i was there, she spent the whole time trying to wind my baby, baby was settled and this was unsettling her.

She spent the whole time trying to tell me what to do with her, said i should change her milk as it was obvious it wasnt satisfying for her (she has 5 ounces every 3 hours) and that as she will take a dummy after a feed that was a sign that it was filling her up!

Tried to explain that i wasnt changing her milk as shes never sick and therefore i could end up with problems if i start messing with her milk etc also HV as advised not to change it.

She tried to convince me to give my baby water with sugar in to get her wind up shock

Theres no way im giving her sugar hmm

There was plenty of other stuff too

I came out of there feeling like a shit mum :-(

My mum also makes comments too.

Queenofsiburbia Mon 12-Nov-12 11:01:37

I'm finding the prospect of all the breast feeding advice daunting enough, never mind the winding 'help' from wellweaners wink

I am just not that patient, thats the problem.
I think I will do my baby version of the classic MN cold question: "Did you mean for your unsolicited advice to be exactly the opposite to what all the experts have told me?" even if not true

RyleDup Mon 12-Nov-12 11:11:26

It is annoying op. I remember this when I had my first. It doesn't matter how old you are, people ask if this is your first, and then steam in with lots of unwanted advice. Just smile sweetly and ignore it. You tend to get left alone when you have the second.

winterhill Mon 12-Nov-12 11:17:28

YABU
1 People like to help and be useful
2 Some of the advice you may recieve could be useful to you. You don't know everything just because you have a qualification.

BackforGood Mon 12-Nov-12 11:39:00

Am just loving the fact that on a thread the OP started to maon about the number of people giving her advice, so many posters think it's a good idea to chip in their own twopennyworth of tips and advice grin grin grin

Rockchick1984 Mon 12-Nov-12 11:53:03

Being honest, if you moan to someone and they think they can help then that isn't offering unsolicited advice as you are telling them about a problem - wouldn't you be annoyed if they knew how to fix it and didn't tell you, coz I certainly would be! Yes, some advice you will be given can be politely discarded, but if you have chosen to discuss it then that is completely different from the unsolicited advice of a stranger coming up to you in Tesco or wherever!!

Mrsjay Mon 12-Nov-12 12:30:01

so many posters think it's a good idea to chip in their own twopennyworth of tips and advice

we just can't help ourselves it just comes blurting out I do hope the Op was smiling and nodding as she read grin

FWIW when i had my first baby I had childcare qualifications as well still had advice thrown at me just because you have a qualification in childcare doesn't mean that the theory the practical

Revelsarethebest Mon 12-Nov-12 14:19:45

I dont mind advice, its critisim that i dont like - there is a difference.

My friend was being critical, not helpful. When i was winding my baby, she said "did the hospital not teach you how to wind her?" grrr!

"Dont take this the wrong way ... but.. shes spoilt already, and the baby knows it!" hmm

Constantly comparing me to what her daughter was like when she had a baby 5 years ago and how fanastic her daughter did things.

I think theres a big difference between giving advice and going on and on for hours making the person feel like she doesnt know what shes doing and making her feel inadequate.

Thanks for the comments tho! :-)

grumpyinthemornings Mon 12-Nov-12 14:38:00

DS had horrible colic. Gripe water sorted it out within a week. Worth a shot?

I've perfected the blank stare, I get a lot of unsolicited advice as I'm quite young (I think it's that - am mid-20s). It's usually about the kids crying, why don't I comfort them etc, when the simple fact is they're fussing over nothing. It gets easier to blank it out over time...

confuugled Mon 12-Nov-12 16:36:10

Saying 'crikey, things have changed a lot since your / your dd's day - if the HV found out I'd been doing that she'd have social services onto me in a moment!. Isn't it amazing how what is standard practice in one generation is considered bad or dangerous the next... Hey ho I expect by the time dd has her first child I expect that things will have moved on several times again.' can help and turns it back onto them a bit. if she queries the dangerous bit - turn it around to cot deaths and say how the numbers of cot deaths have plummeted over recent years, since the advice to put babies to sleep on their sides and then updated further to their backs came in - nobody can really argue with that!

For what it's worth, ds1 had bad colic. We switched him from SMA to Aptamil and the problems stopped almost overnight.

I was also told by a friend who's a doctor something that made much more sense about burping babies than anything else I'd seen or heard. If babies get gas in their intestines then in order to get it out that gas bubble is going to have to move up, down, sideways - every which way to get out. it's like trying to get a ball through a maze (albeit one where the ball is trying to go up rather than down). And you can't see it so you don't know if you're sending it in the right direction either. The key to burping them therefore is to try to make sure that this bubble can go in all different directions by moving the baby around rather than just patting them on your shoulder or on your lap. As soon as you start thinking about it and visualising a gas bubble in gut (think way back to biology lessons at school!) and then how it needs to get out - a simple one dimensional pat isn't going to be much help. It might get lucky and get one or two out, just because that's the stage they were at, but trying several different positions several different times really helps!

rubberducky24 Mon 12-Nov-12 16:47:55

another vote for Colief. I used Infacol and Dentinox with no luck, and tried Colief as a last resort as its so expensive. Baby now burps without being winded. It is thirteen quid though so I asked my GP to prescribe it once I knew it worked as it only lasts for 4-5 days.

quesadilla Mon 12-Nov-12 18:28:27

Its pretty much standard, as others have said, but YANBU to be irritated by it. I'll never forget when my dd was 6 weeks old I was in Boots, it was sub-zero temperatures and dd was wrapped up warm in her buggy. I had been in the shop less than five minutes and took the calculated decision that as I was going back outside it wasn't worth undoing any of her clothing, dd wasn't crying or showing any signs of distress and this random woman took it upon herself to start removing items of clothing. When I asked what she was doing she said "your baby is obviously too hot." I was so flabberghasted I walked out of the shop without buying whatever it was I came for --- wish I'd had the nuts to take her to task over it. If I were you I'd stand your grand now if you're confident you don't need the advice. It won't stop people sticking their beaks into your business but it will give you a bit of satisfaction.

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