To stick a newspaper under my arse and squat ??

[HELPMyPooIsStuck]

I've been bunged up for days, so far i've tried raising my feet on the loo, sat with the paper and a coffee hoping gravity would take effect ( it didn't) rocking back and forth, vaseline splodges and drinking enough water to sink the marie celeste.

I've also tried prunes, treacle and shredded wheat.

I don't even like shredded wheat.

Bar the odd feeble offering loggy ain't shifting, it's right at the launch pad so to speak but just isn't taking off, I can actually feel it when I bend down etc, it appears to have set like clay.

So, in the interests of avoiding to mathmaticians route ( working it out with a pencil ) and in the absence of a bucket an old tub. Would I be unreasonale to shove a newspaper underneath my poor, long suffering arse and squat ??

[BadgersBottom]

Are you the poo troll?

Can I have your autograph?

[gordyslovesheep]

ohhhh a poo troll - such fun!

[SamuelWestsMistress]

Orange juice and jogging! Also a good dose of cod liver should do the trick.

Think of the relief you'll get when it does finally blow!

[gordyslovesheep]

it is almost Chritmas

[pigletmania]

Germaloids they Certainly do the trick. Or the coffee enema

[Shakirasma]

Ooh Poo troll!

I've heard of you but this is the first time we've met. Nice to see you x

[IvorHughJackolantern]

Why do you require newspaper? Why not simply squat over the toilet?

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

Glycerin suppository

[HELPMyPooIsStuck]

I am not the bleddy poo troll, I curse the poo troll, none of the stabby arse brigade are taken seriously because of the poo troll.

I am however in stabby arsed pain.

[HELPMyPooIsStuck]

Because, I read online that adopting the squat position can help move things down, in the absence of a squat toilet a copy of the advertiser is my only option !

I have come on here to moan, that is all.

[Tootyfruityonrouty]

Do you know any tai chi moves? If not you tube them. Guaranteed to get the bowels moving!

[Arthurfowlersallotment]

Have you tried fibrogel? Senna?

[whois]

Nah, if it's that bad line the bath with paper and squat in there. Desperate times, desperate measures. Wouldn't want to do it over carpet tho ;-)

[RubberNeckNibbler]

I find a trip to the library always gets things moving...

[hiddenhome]

I'm a care of the elderly nurse and sorting out poo related problems is part of my daily life

What you need is a phosphate enema - warmed, of course

[IvorHughJackolantern]

Ah. YANBU. Have you got a copy of the Daily Mail handy?

Also Yy to orange juice. Once when I was very constipated I ate some out of date mackarel which gave me the runs. Have a rootle in the fridge, see what you've got

[HELPMyPooIsStuck]

I've pinched some of the boys movicol, no look so far

[LightTheGooTouchpaper]

Do the shred.

I always need a poo by the first set of star jumps.

[AKissIsNotAContract]

You need an anal douche.

[HELPMyPooIsStuck]

A phosphate enema ?? Can that be bought over the counter ?? >

[InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream]

You could order something online and then I bet on the delivery date you will go to toilet, the delivery guy will knock but you won't be able move.

Always works

[scentednappyhag]

I always suggest it in these threads, and no one ever listens but here goes...
Finger covered in shower gel, up your bum.
Never fails.
Good luck OP!

[HoolioHallio]

The 'bleddy' poo troll ? Ohhh - the plot thickens. Now just WHO uses a phrase like that ?

[IvorHughJackolantern]

I have a job interview on Tuesday. Every time I think of it I need to poo.

Do you have a job interview any time soon Op? Or anything else horribly stressful that you could focus on while squatting?

Fags are good, they have some kind of laxative or something that stimulates the poo glands, according to DH