Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.
To worry that this *Could* destroy us before we really get started together? (Long)(263 Posts)
Hi Not sure how to put this as I'm a man & not used to
but getting lots of practice of late via MN lol writing about my thoughts & emotions? But will give it a go so bear with me if I'm over-descriptive somewhat in what follows; I'm someone who is normally very unlucky in love & recently got out of the lower depths of Hell a Very bad relationship with a woman who was about as close to the personification of pure evil as can be imagined in one person - Unfortunately? I have a DS with this Creature of the night nasty woman so still have to talk to her & interact with her to bring him up as best we can?
Anyway I recently (This Feb') met another lady (on POF of All places) who is kind, erudite, caring, sensitive, pretty, lovely to talk to (& very nice to look at to ) & who is basically the antithesis of my ex-fiancee (yes I know what was I thinking being engaged to her ) Most importantly (for my battered heart & hers to as she's been through the mill somewhat also)? This lady likes me very much & Indeed sought me out on POF much to my undying shock at so gorgeous a creation thinking even slightly nice thoughts of me & we began (via FB & online & phone before a couple of eventual meetings that went well) what can only be described as an emotional affair with her & she eventually (after a rather rocky period where I made one very bad mistake & really upset her) told me she'd been falling in love with me.
Anyway? To cut a long story slightly shorter? This
angel from above stunning lady whose singlehandedly restoring my faith in womankind? Is 36 to my 34 (as of this year) & so (surprisingly)? Is the first woman I've ever been involved with whose Older than me? Further? We both have one child (me a DS aged 3, she a DD aged 17) are both possessed of similarly sarcastic & very quick senses of humour, finish each others thoughts & sentences on the phone, just click some of the time & feel so right together thus far; I think we might have a long term future if our 'babysteps' towards a poss' relationship (her words & both our idea) come off in short?
Anyway this woman I've
found myself falling for come to care a lot for? Is also as of this year around March/April time in a new job after previously being employed as a teacher for around 10 years until this year; I'm not sure but judging by some of the tones & words I've heard from her? (things like "don't feel sorry for me, it's my job, my choice, I'll get used to it, I think") I'm beginning to think that she maybe regrets moving into this job which as far as I know? Is that of a Family Support worker which brings me to the problems.
I am currently involved in a Vicious custody battle over my DS with
the Bride of Dracula my ahem not nice ex' and have had all manner of untrue allegations & lies hurled at me both verbally & (eventually) in print in the form of both allegations in court applications & via solicitors letters from her (string of different) briefs; I have replied in kind a little but other than that? have no legal involvement in my life of any sort bar one visit from the police a year ago when we broke up & she lied & Tried to fit me up on a particular charge (which collapsed 2 weeks later & she later admitted lying about & apologised for). Anyway? My new (soon to be fingers crossed) Lady has got very upset re' her job context when I've spoken about what's gone on re' me & ex' & our son along the lines of "how can you put me in this position hearing all this - do you know what I deal with like that every day at work?" but then just to throw another spanner in the works?
She's recently told me when we begin our relationship proper (as opposed to our Current Emotional Affair/Long distance relationship? If 18 miles is long distance - feels like so much more) that I (due to her Job) will have to have extended CRB checks carried out not just on me but my entire family & even house If she were to be staying there regularly with me (even though only me & fortnightly my DS live there right now) further? That as long as any allegations are being maintained against me in Court? She can't deepen our relationship due to this as "I can't be with someone whose had allegations made against them";
Further? I've got a bit of a problem re' PK's due to an operation 7 years ago that almost killed me & left me basically dependent on them & she's told me "I can't be with someone whose dependent on PK's". She's suggested waiting until the case re' My DS is finished & then meeting up & seeing where we go as she's Admitted? Feeling really strongly for me despite all the recent proviso's & prepartory to this & me undergoing the CRB? She's recently started asking me How DS' case is going in certain aspects which I've been frank & open with her about but then? She's telling me later I tell her to much & put her in "impossible positions" again & all the while? I see my ex' parading man after man into & out of her & our Son's life whilst (partly) thanks to her & her F**king allegations? I can't even move on Slightly with a woman I've fallen for in a
mahoosive big, big way;
Anyway my question is 4fold I guess? AIBU to Hate my ex' for doing the damage she is doing to me & this possible DP of mine by maintaining allegations that have no basis in reality just out of clear malice, spite & venom (which she's had aplenty for me for a while now; Funny how those we love can hate us so much & vice versa when it all goes wrong ); Secondly AIBU to be not a little confused by (possible) new DP's differing reactions to me re' my DS case despite it's (possible) importance to us in the future or is she as confused about all this as I am? And lastly? AIBU to think she should be as honest with me as I've tried to be with her (she knew all about my problems when we got involved? I made no secret of them on POF and it was never an issue until her new job came about)? She's recently made noises & taken actions that make me think she's getting impatient for the case to end & us to get on & see how we are together or not? But I'm prepared to wait for her & I think we're a good match (she's Taurus & I'm Cancer & the starsigns match if nothing else LoL - Yes a man who believes in those - shocking I know ).
Anyway basically? I've had one hell (with that being the operative word BTW) of a Bad time in my life with romance & this woman even at my age? Is someone who I just get the sense Might be the one & for the first time in my life? I think we Could have something together fingers crossed - I'm sometimes to honest & humble for my own good & sense that may have worked against me here but she did ask me not to lie & hide stuff from her by omission so I took her at her word & did my best to do just as she asked;
Anyhow 4th (& final) question? AIBU to put all I've got into trying to make this work & move on from my
battered, ruined husk of a past lovelife to something happier at long, long last? Or am I just wasting my (& her=New DP's) time & it will all end yet again re' me in heartbreak & hurt all around? I'm so worried now that yet another relationship in RL I'm involved in will get shot down before it can even take off. I've let the drawbridge & barriers to my heart down one last time but don't know if? Babarians are going to storm & sack it yet again or I'll finally get the love story & fairytale ending I so have wanted for a long, long time now;
I'm so confused so if anyone can help/advise? I'll appreciate it (& them) lots. I guess in the final analysis? I think really like this Lady (& Know she does me) &? I Really want it to work with her so I'm not in the wrong to not want us destroyed as a couple before we even get started am I? Actually in fact? Scrap what I just said - I don't like her - I'm in love with her - there I've admitted it. It's not wrong of me to want to save & build on that is it? I'm so confused & worried for our future together if that is future there will even be? Right now I just don't know & that really worries me as I've let down all my defences for her & don't want to be hurt again.
Yes I admit it LoL I'm a romantic at heart as you prob'
knew from the first paragraph all guessed by now but? Even we have our limits & I? Feel I'm at mine now - One more nasty shock disastrous Relationship of the sort my hearts had all to often in life? Well If that happens? yet again? Then Let's just say I fear it Will finish me with women forever & if only for this lady & what I feel for her as well as my hopes of going on to raise my DS with a lady I love who loves me by my side & just being Happy with her? Well let's just say I really don't want that to happen so for me? I guess now? Is all or nothing time. Here goes nothing..........
Sorry for the length - fire away & again? I will really appreciate any (& all) help & advice so I'm not diving blind as it were (re' the "here goes" bit).
Anyway thanks for taking time to read this & take Care all.
Just an update a few months down the line from all this? I was in a Very bad time back then when I wrote most of it; Unsure what to do, alternately elated & devastated emotionally thanks to my ex & the Lady I was trying to get together with without the ex intefering & in a vicious, very bad custody battle but now? As of this year (January 23rd to be precise?) That has All changed.......
I couldn't be happier now & yes I Did find my happy ending eventually - Admittedly no it Didn't happen with the woman I wrote about when I began this thread (yes we did eventually sleep together if only once) but in the end? A combination of the court case, my ex stalking us relentlessly via phone abuse & internet barrages & the pressures of her job? Finished us off pretty quickly soon after - Was Very upset to that After we broke up? I then found out she'd become pregnant & lost it Due in part to the unending emotional, verbal, abusive barrages from the ex' re' us & All the stress 'us' in general had given her - I felt very guilty & she was very upset & though we Still had substantial feelings for one another at the Very end? We agreed to go our separate ways & haven't spoken ever since............
After that? I was devastated & resolved to stay Away from women - which lasted for all of 2 weeks. Then? I met the woman who Surely might be (I thought then & now? She Is ) my soulmate, (now) partner (of 3 months ) She lights up my days & nights & just makes me (& I her) Feel good & happy you know? Further - Although we live 40 odd miles apart (as opposed to about 25 odd with the first lady?) We see each other Far more (mainly by train) & have been together since the Very First time we met - you know those magical times you hear about between 2 people & Think only ever happen in films? Where it just 'clicks' between them? They say Everything right to one another, like All the right things for one another & push each others buttons without even trying? Well that's us. We met up that first time back in January - the date was fantastic, we ended up spending the weekend together & we've been Utterly in love ever since. I don't know - she just opened up a door in my mind & All the hurt, pain, viciousness, bile & anger of the past year? Flooded away in an instant & was replaced by happiness, contentment, peace & a sense of certainty regarding Who I am & Where I'm going - In short? I just have happiness & love right now blazing in my head & making me glow inside like a star & It's All down to her - I've done the same to her or so she says - in short? When we're together we Both feel Loved & you Can't say more than that about a relationship to recommend it.
More than all that? I Won my custody battle over my boy as well & he's now been settled here in the 2 months since it all ended at court (1 hearing early) back in February. He's at Nursery now & big school soon. Nearly 4 (May 17th) & Very settled & happy with "my daddy" as he calls me. Ex' has moved on, found someone she's moving in with soon, is a Little more mellow (& feels guilty I think at destroying my previous r'ship or helpin to?) & kind towards me & we Try to be civil/get on for DS's sake? It's Just passed the anniversary (5th April) of the day last year when I last saw my boy for 5 months until September (ish)? My How things change in a year don't they? That time & That man I was All last year? Feels like another man & a different life (& a Lot of my friends have told me that to) & now? It's just All blurring into my past Very fast now...........
In short? Guess I'm trying to say it Does get better if you battle on long enough & Don't let everything get you down? I did - and not only did I sort out things re' my boy well? I totally unexpectedly Found not just What but Who I'd been looking for All Along & in the end? She came to me & we couldn't be happier. Anyhow? That's me off for a sleep now? I'm happy & in love & long may it continue..........
NB Sorry for the length? Just Thought I'd update all those who read all my confused scribblings before & let you know How things went after I stopped replying for a while? I'm in a Very happy place now (still have a Few difficulties obviously) but now? I'm not alone & have my soulmate to help me work through them as I help her also with hers. In the end? I guess I'm just writing to say Thank You to those of you who wrote good things & helped advise me back then & to those of you in difficult places now who read this? Keep going - it may not Look it? But in the end? Things Will get better.........
OK Hope you all were Ok Reading that?
Yours In Love & (Finally) Happy
I have no advice, but your little boy is gorgeous and you are right to be proud of him
It sounds positive, redline. Glad to see some rays of happiness. But dont delay the counselling. I agree you need support, somebody to talk to about everything that is going on. Especially as you need time to digest your last few years, your relationship breakdown and custody battle. A counselor will be able to help you make sense of all this, and settle "the demons" in you to rest in this respect, at least a bit, to move on. Good luck.
I agree with her, Redline
Redline, I'm really glad things are looking better for you
I'd also like to recommend that you access some counselling soon. I noticed a page or two back that you thought you would put that off 'til after Christmas, but I really don't think you should delay. You have so much going on that I really think you need support with.
You should be able to access counselling through your GP. But there will probably be a few weeks' waiting list, so if you don't ask 'til January, you might not get support 'til March. So please, go this week!
You might also possibly be able to access counselling though a drug support agency, because everyone recognises that you'll need help to come off your prescription painkillers. Your GP should be able to refer you to a drug support service near you, or you might be able to find it yourself by Googling the name of your nearest town/city + 'drug counselling'.
Counselling will also help you as you try to build your new relationship. You have said several times that you don't want to 'overwhelm' your new girlfriend with everything that goes on inside your head, and counselling is a really good way to help with that, because you can say it all to a counsellor first or instead - let off a bit of steam or sort out your thoughts without having to worry about being a burden. Personally, I think your new relationship will stand a much better chance of success if you have some counselling to give you some 'outside support' too.
Some people worry about what people will think of them if they have counselling - it can feel a bit stigmatised. But lots of people have had counselling at some point in their lives - I bet half the people on MN - including me! And some people also worry that if the need counselling, this means they're weak - but it doesn't, it means you're strong enough to ask for help when you need it
Can you tell I think counselling would be really suitable and useful for you?!
I wish you all the best following your 'modified' 4 point plan,Redline
Hi Redline your posts are much easier to read but I wouldn't waste my time worrying what grumpy cows like me think of it anyway!
I was out of order and you should post whatever way you want.
I think it's a very good thing that you've talked and have worked out a way forward. I also think it's very good that you're taking it slowly, for your own benefit.
I'll be frank, I worry that you're too happy too quickly of that makes sense. You seem to have swung from very low to very high and that does concern me a little so it may not be a bad idea to see your GP tomorrow like you said.
I'm glad you feel that things are working out but please don't put all your hopes for happiness into this relationship. You will be much happier if you concentrate on yourself and your own life. A relationship can enhance your happiness but not create it.
See? I can write long posts too!
Waltermittymissus? TY for the good luck wish & hope this last post was a little more readable (did you manage to read it all OK?) I Hope so anyway. Also? I'm sorry if the post turned out to long but was So happy for once? Thought I'd put it all in for one last time - please say if you read it all/what I did wrong when writing at all (any mistakes &/or annoying bits) & will take that into account/try to modify future posts to reflect anything you & others think I can/should do.
What do you think re' what's happening now with me & my new Lady? Is it good/ok - am I doing the right thing (albeit soon after my ex'?)
Yes Waltermittymissus re' the counselling - TY for that advice I've already phoned a couple of numbers my barrister gave me on Wednesday afternoon at court & they said they'd get back to me due to current backlog & one gave me a sort of 'induction talk' & said they'd then see what space (they were pretty sure they had some despite that normally being a rare happening) available on their booking timetable for the next few weeks. I've looked up other numbers to try as well & might ask my GP about it & see if He can put me on a course of counselling if at all possible.
Anyhow? Just to say never fear my friend - I'm not using the massive upturn in my private lifes fortunes or (much of) my luck in general to avoid my responsibilities re' my mental wellbeing to myself & my son. I still have some significant mental issues wrong/not quite right in my head & I know they need sorting out so will now endeavour to do just that as my other problems seem to be resolving & sorting themselves out now at long, long last. TY again for the good luck wish & for worrying enough to write on here to me; As to me? I'm very happy now & since yesterday? Have felt warm, fuzzy & light/very happy inside (not quite floating but close enough ) & now? I just Hope (fingers crossed) it stays that way.....................
Thanks for everything
Good lick Redline but please do consider going to counselling soon.
A brief Note? Just to say (Before I start this post in full) That I've tried to remove the writing style I had before so if anyone wants to read this? It shouldn't be to offputting/annoying however the length? Is something I could do little about because basically last night? My feelings kind of exploded in the opposite direction to the horrible lows of late & I felt like...............Well read on & you'll see what happend - the update etc is in the speech marks since I pasted it from something I wrote in Word before putting here to avoid mistakes;
"Just a (long) update re' the Real topic of this thread? The woman I'm (getting) involved with? Contacted me again last night for the first time in a week - we had a long(& then some) heart to heart & basically it transpired that I had been worrying over very little (as I often do nowadays ) She hadn't contacted me as her work had put her down for a truly nasty set of shifts (Very long hours & finishing very late indeed a number of nights during these shifts) for the past (& much of next) week mainly because someone else had been off ill so she wasn't just "on call" but actually had to replace someone in half of their normal shifts along with one of her other colleagues until they came back?
Anyway the advantage of that is she'll get more than a few extra days off once said colleague (whose away ill) is back -prob' by next week- And we're planning to spend a few days/some substantial amounts of time together & meet up (more than once) a few times during her days off then. - We only live 18-20 miles apart or so in our respective towns (almost on the outskirts of different sides of London) but due to her hours & my lack of financial wherewithal right now (most of what I get goes on bills, my boy or stocking up for the next fortnight re food & drink)? We've been unable to spend a decent amount of time together until now?
During our talk last night, This woman also told me that yes she cares for me as I do her & yes she really Does want to make a go of it & try transforming (slowly) what we're growing into together from being involved/seeing one another into an actual full-blown relationship. The problem in her being able to say t his (or not) until last night was because Id (without realising) made a Very bad mistake in the summer that really hurt her feelings for me (& hurt her really badly as well); That basically? She wasn't as trusting of me as she had been before & since we first met up until that point.
It had, she said taken her all the time until now (from June - late October) to build her trust in me Back up enough to try & resume our fledgling relationship to the point we were at together back in June before said horrible error on my part; On my part? It didn't help that I was always worried she'd suddenly just say she'd had enough of me & leave as several of my previous partners have done in the past out of the blue; We discussed all this, the fledgling relationship we currently have, our hopes, fears & feelings for one another & reassured one another & basically ended up saying we're now effectively 'seeing' one another & growing into what will be a full relationship together in the not-to-distant future.
Anyway With the end of my son's case finally approaching in the next month or so & looking quite good for me (fingers crossed) & my brother about to become a dad again in the next few weeks (for the Second time in 14 months) I'm finally feeling Very happy for the first time in a long while or at least feel it today anyway; And whilst Im not Quite in love yet with my new Lady yet having looked at my feelings in depth over the last couple of days & realised you Can't just fall in love that quickly - you need a good year or so IMO for that to happen;
I am however most definitely falling For her now there's No doubt about that at all & whilst I know a few on here have counselled me against entering into a relationship so soon After the disaster that was my 6 years of hell with my ex' ? I feel like I'm falling for this woman & can't stop myself now; Especially now I finally Know she's falling for me every bit as much as I am herl since that talk? Was when she Finally told me she was falling for me every bit as much as I was her She? Had just been hiding it better was all since like me? Shes rather shy in expressing what she Really feels deep inside until shes sure its right to do so
Anyway? I think I've definitely emotionally matured somewhat in this past few weeks with all that's gone on & I feel much more secure in my own head & self now I Know that someone has affection for me that isn't just going to disappear as it has done so many times in the past A lot of the insecurity I felt before even last night when we chatted down the phone & later online (in some cases which had been there for many Years?) Just melted away when she told me what she Really felt for me & I feel much, much happier & warmer inside now. I still have my problems yes but I think very soon? Emotional turmoil inside me? Will not be one of them any longer & I for one? Wont miss it.
Me & this woman? Have something solid now, I know that & we both have decided to grow into our (currently fledgling) relationship hand in hand & face together whatever the future holds for us both. We're not constantly talking yet or inseparable but we're close - she also told me last night that (like me)? She thinks about me all the time & even thinks of contacting me sometimes but cant think of anything to say (much like me with her quite often when I pick up the phone feel really shy & put it down again) Basically now? I'm very happy to be so close with someone who thinks of me what I do her & nothing else (no bullying, blackmail or withholding affection ala certain exes of mine) after so very long & what she told me last night made me happier than I've been in a very long time. Fingers crossed me & the new woman will grow into something beautiful together as our relationship progresses in the future from that point forwards.
In summary - With all else that's going on in my family that I just mentioned (although there's a couple of not so nice feuds & disputes as well but they've been quiet of late) & my son's case close to concluding as well? I'm happier than I've been in a long, long while & feel refreshed, reinvigorated & strengthened in spirit to undertake my 4 point plan I outlined earlier with the exception that the point re' my new (soon to be fingers crossed) DP? Will now involve us holding off a definite move Into a relationship until the end of the court case rather than meeting up & considering whether to even try for a relationship once the case concludes.
Anyway, Id just like to say to all who posted on this thread whether in support (& not) of me? Thanks for writing & your advice & some of your criticisms Theyve enabled me to look at myself somewhat eliminate or start to remove a few flaws in my character & might even have helped move the new woman towards saying all she did last night (she did say shed noticed a couple of changes in me since last we spoke & she liked them) . To Finish? I've come to feel so happy in this past day & night? I've felt high extremes of feeling happy, Pleased & warm to levels that I'd forgotten ever even existed; With all this in mind? I think I'll warmly take my exit of this thread now a very, very happy man. Thanks again for all your help & I guess this might prove in a way? That all good things Do indeed come to those who wait & now since basically everything changed in one night & those things I wanted so much have come to me after so much long waiting? Well, I just couldn't be happier....................
Hi again? Just to say I think I've set up my profile page correctly & available to view now along with it's gallery so anyone who wants to know about me - see me & the munchkin (Minus Names this time LoL)? Try the link below & if it still doesn't work? Please tell me that you tried it & it didn't & I'll try & fix whatever's gone wrong.............again.
HappyHalloween I take it you saw him then? Just wondered do you think we looked alike? A lot of people said we do but can't see myself & amongst the many (many ) taunts I've had off his mum in our rows is the inevitable "he's not yours". I think the looks prove otherwise in that at least...........
Sorry Oliviamumsnet & MN HQ? Total brain frazzle from me on my part - Totally forgot my twitter account used my Real RL name in it (told you I don't use it much - Doh!!). Thanks for blanking that link for the abovementioned reasons. By all means move this thread to relationships from AIBU - Had I possessed a modicum of sense instead of being in the stupid state I was when I wrote the OP? I'd have opened it there myself.
TY Flipinada for your wise words - was very stupid of me to forget re' the twitter name thing like that. Will stick to MN & their gallery feature in future If I can figure out how to use it methinks. Scheherezade? How do you set your profile to public & will do that with mine to open any links to it/it's gallery?
And for those who may need a refresher here are our guidelines
Hello there OP
We have removed the link to your RL name.
Do let us know if you would like us to move this thread out of AIBU and into our relationships topic, Thanks
Red, if there is an ongoing court case, I'm not sure it's a good idea to link RL names and photographs
Just a thought.
Your ds is lovely, btw, but maybe report your post with the twitter link which also links in with your FB.
oh, and stick with twitter, I think the character limit on posts is more suited to your style
What a lovely post flow.
OP, good luck to you. It sounds like you've had a very rough time (putting it mildly). A word of warning though - please don't give out information like you and your sons real names online.
I think your profile is set to private, so we can't click on your name which would link to it.
BTW just to ask is there a way to link to your photo gallery on MN so others can use the link to see it? If so what do you do? Just wondered as I have a couple of nice photos on there & being a (*Very*) proud daddy? Thought you wouldn't mind seeing my munchkin either? Anyway if not? Doesn't matter - the other link I posted just now (twitter?) does work, I know that much.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
That just shows me my photos.
I'm glad you felt able to come back, Redline.
Wishing you and your boy the very best of luck.
I feel quite bad now
Redline I didn't call you any names but I did complain about your posting style and I shouldn't have. I could have just left the thread and said nothing so I apologise.
I sincerely hope things work out well for you.
Redline, I agree with what some of the other nice, helpful posters have suggested.
You really should get some counselling. I was in a violent relationship for years and it takes a long time to sort out your feelings about this.
Also, perhaps I'm not understanding this properly, so correct me if I'm not, but you don't seem to have much self esteem and I think the counselling would really help with that.
You sound like a wonderful father who just wants the best for his son. I hope the court case goes well for you.
As to the new woman you've met, it's just my opinion but I think you've started a new realtionship far too early. I think you need some time on your own to just concentrate on you and making yourself better. You need to love yourself first and foremost before embarking on anything new then you'll be in a much stronger position to deal with everything.
I wish you lots of luck, you sound like you've been having a terrible time and I hope life improves for you soon.
Kudos Flow. Wise words indeed. You succeeded where so many of us failed.
I am ashamed.
Good Luck Redline.
Join the discussion
Please login first.