to tell DP we are co-sleeping and if he doesn't like it he can sleep on the sofa (long)

(202 Posts)
lola88 Tue 16-Oct-12 13:51:54

I want to co-sleep with DS 8mo DP doesn't. I want to put my foot down and tell him i'm bringing DS in with us if he doesn't like it he knows where the sofa is. I know that makes me sound like a total bitch but i can asure you i'm not, i've never put my foot down and demanded anything before i'm usually a bit of a people pleaser.

BUT DS is driving me to the point where i feel i am losing my mind. He has never been a good sleeper and has got worse as he gets older i have tried EVERYTHING to get him to sleep he just won't. A good night is 2 wakings the record for worst night (not counting teething and illness) is 9. Now that he's 8 months he's started to get seperation anxiety from me and the wakings are getting to every 1-2 hours just wanting me. He's lovely but even in the day very high needs.

I have now got to the stage i'm so tired i'm constantly upset, angry, weepy, i'm so forgetfull it becoming a problem in day to day life, i'm a shit friend constantly cancelling things (or forgetting them) because i want to try to sleep, i snap and DS and DN to much, and can't be bothered to do anything. The house is decending into a hovel but i just can't be bothered doing anything but the basics. I'm turning into this crazy woman i don't even know.

The last 2 nights i've brought DS from his cot into our bed at 11ish and have slept so much better sunday night he woke twice and needed resettled 2/3 times but i could settle him before he properly woke stopping it turning into an hour trying to get him back down, last night for the first time in his life he only woke once slept soundly until 7! I feel like i'm coming back to being a human being again i've managed to clean the house and be a fun mummy.

I want to keep going with bringing him in DP says no because then we have to try to get him to sleep alone when he's older and he knowss how tired i am but i should keep going. Well i say bullshit doing it one night a week then getting to sleep in til 12pm does not mean you know what it's like i need sleep for my sanity especially when i go back to work so DP will have to like it or lump it. I do see his point about then having to get DS back on his own at some point but to me that seems like the lesser of the 2 problems.

AIBU?

achillea Fri 19-Oct-12 12:50:20

Myterious, we did much the same thing. I agree, treasure it now as soon they won't want to co-sleep. Avoids rejection but shows them gently on their way to independence.

MysteriousHamster Thu 18-Oct-12 22:30:29

A nice co-sleeping story for you.

We started off with DS in his cot, but as he got to about 8 months it was getting harder to settle him after a feed and I was so so tired (had gone back to work), so we started co-sleeping. However I did it by just bringing him into bed when he woke - he'd nearly always start off the evening in his own cot.

I could tell some of my friends thought I was a bit mad, especially when he was still doing this at 2.

BUT I will say I slept really well with him in the bed, because he'd wake less often and go back to sleep much easier. My husband stayed in bed with us.

I did worry about whether he'd ever start sleeping properly on his own and just after he was 2 he started doing it of his own accord. Now he stays in his bed most days. Very occasionally he wakes up says 'mummy daddy bed!' and even more occasionally we take him into bed with us.

I treasure it now. Love a cuddle in bed smile

coraltoes Thu 18-Oct-12 20:35:30

For the sake of your marriage as well as your sleep would you consider a sleep consultant? They might suggest solutions that could work for you, DH and DS?

SirBoobAlot Thu 18-Oct-12 19:48:23

Well "have another baby" is the most ridiculous pieces of advice I have ever heard given to a mother who is dealing with sleep isshoooos...

BobblyGussets Thu 18-Oct-12 18:57:22

A bit after the fact, but SirBoobAlot, I like your style grin, straight out with it.

SirBoobAlot Wed 17-Oct-12 16:46:59

Firemansam are you a troll or just a twat? I'm not sure which.

OP - I used to put DS to bed in his own bed, and then when he woke up, he'd come in with me. It was still consistent because it was the same thing each time smile It worked wonderfully for us.

BobblyGussets Wed 17-Oct-12 14:45:37

Ok now FiremanSam, back to the asylum for you.

<jangles keys, locks FMS in padded cell>

NellyBluth Wed 17-Oct-12 14:38:36

(Thanks, though - that suggestion actually made me laugh so much I snorted some of my tea)

NellyBluth Wed 17-Oct-12 14:38:05

Err.... really, firemansam? That's an absolutely cracking idea. Plus that will give the OP another 9 months of sleep deprivation during her pregnancy, plus the first 3-4 months of sleep deprivation with a newborn. But in a year or so her DS will learn that he can't have everything his own way...

MainlyMaynie Wed 17-Oct-12 14:28:11

WTF firemansam? Are you seriously comparing an 8 month-old to a tantrumming 6 year-old?

firemansamisnormansdad Wed 17-Oct-12 14:17:28

What you need to do is to have an other baby. Then DS will have to sleep in his own room.

Good luck when he's 6 and throwing a similar tantrum each time you don't want him to do something he doesn't want to.

PropositionJoe Wed 17-Oct-12 13:23:02

Never mind the rights and wrongs of it, you NEED a temporary solution at the moment. After a week of half decent sleep you can think with a clear head about what you want to do, talk to your DH get him to help more and put a plan into action.

YouMakeMeWannaLaLa Wed 17-Oct-12 13:08:45

If your baby is unsettled/ lonely/ scared being on his own at night to the point he is waking up regularly and crying then it seems like a no-brainer. He's so young and wants his mum. I don't think there should be such a rush to 'teach him a lesson' and force him to be on his own.

I don't want to be judgey; I know seperate bedrooms work for some people but if your baby doesn't like it, why force him. Your DP needs to understand this and put his sons welfare and your sanity first.

rattling Wed 17-Oct-12 12:46:04

Can I add my experience - slightly different to anything mentioned already I think. I have twin boys, one of whom I can't sleep with (he still ends up with his legs half way up the wall at night and rarely stops moving), so I decided not to sleep with either of them.

So they have been in their own cot/bed since birth, in their own room at 1yo. Now they are 3.6, both settle perfectly, but one of them still wakes at least once a night (not Mr Wriggly - must constantly exhaust himself with all that spinning around).

So you may struggle through years of exhaustion and STILL not end up with the perfect sleeping child.

At 8 months they wake up all the time - I think putting him to bed in his own cot will gradually lengthen the time before he first wakes and if you can resurface from that horrible fog that is sleep deprivation you can start to think properly about how you want to go about encouraging that.

Rosebud05 Wed 17-Oct-12 12:32:58

And that's the whole point about how all babies are different....

I and plenty of other people have co-slept then had no problem transferring child to their own bed when toddlers.

I don't we did anything 'magical' that you didn't - babies are all different.

socharlotte Wed 17-Oct-12 11:54:08

Just to add , their will power gets stronger as they get older!!!

socharlotte Wed 17-Oct-12 11:53:13

I think you need to get yourself 'slept up' by whatever means necessary . Then, when you are in a better place , look at a permanant solutiom that doesn't involve ousting your DH! If you really really can't do controlled crying , then minimal attention, no eye contact, lights off , ust stroking him in thecot not picking him up.
The bottom line is that at 8 months he does not have any 'need' he is waking up for , it's justhe has trained himself to do that every time he comes to the surface rather than self settling because of the good attention he is getting.
I have co-slept with 3 out of 4 of my DC (the eldest I could catch up on sleep y staying in bed til lunchtime because no other kids to worry about). They have been a complete nightmare to get to sleep in their own beds. The youngest at 7 is afraid to go to sleep on her own because I have made her that way!

You cannot continue as you are, it is not good for your health.

The current shared decision in place is no co-sleeping. The result of this decision is that you are on your knees with sleep deprivation, while he is just fine thank you very much. Until he is prepared to shoulder his share of the work created by the no co-sleeping decision, then I am sorry but he doesn't get to make the decision. Similar to 'no taxation without representation', I believe in 'no decision-making without dealing with the results of that decision'.

"I'm going to keep putting him in his cot then bringing him in later i know people are saying it's inconsitant but i wouldn't leave him alone in our bed as he can climb out of it i'd be worried he'd hurt himself."

If you do this every night it's CONSISTENT!! (not inconsistent) smile

Signet2012 Wed 17-Oct-12 11:03:08

I have been semi co sleeping with 6 week old daughter. I pop her in her modes basket after each feed once she is asleep except the 5am feed as she tends to be quite unsettled after this one and cries a lot. I put her on the other side of me because dp is a big lad and heavy sleeper. I have my arm around her head and body and she has her own blanket as as to not over heat. Dp was concerned when he realised what I was doing but I pointed out I couldn't stay awake whilst bf and was scared one day I'd fall asleep and drop her. As he doesn't hear her he has no idea how often she wakes. Some nights it's 12,3,5. Which is fine. Other nights it's 12,1,3,5,6 those nights are hard going!!!

Only thing is my sleep is probably rubbish because I only doze. I have every intention of co sleeping and am looking forward to her being bigger and more robust so I can relax a bit more when she is in with us.

CrackerJackShack Wed 17-Oct-12 10:47:06

My DS is almost 10 months and we co-sleep. He likes to wake once or twice a night and I just pat his back and go sshsshshshshshs in my zombie state for about 5 minutes and he goes right back to sleep. LOVE it.

I also have an 8 month old. The sleep is hell.

YANBU.

Like most of the shit things about motherhood, people who are not going through it forget how intense and awful the bad times are.

You need to co-sleep for survival right now.

Kveta Wed 17-Oct-12 10:41:10

socharlotte because if he goes any later, he still gets up all night and then for the day at 5 or 6. believe me, we have tried later bed time and it is utterly hideous.

lola88 Wed 17-Oct-12 10:28:01

socharlotte DS only cat naps in the day so catchin up doesn't work i'm usually so tense waiting for him to wake i can't sleep and sitting about makes me feel worse i need to keeping going to keep going.

HipHop thats was what i was thinking of doing

He slept really well last night 7-2 2-5 5-8.30!!!!!!! I feel great

I'm going to keep putting him in his cot then bringing him in later i know people are saying it's inconsitant but i wouldn't leave him alone in our bed as he can climb out of it i'd be worried he'd hurt himself.

I have tried controlled comforting and it works for the point that he will go back to sleep in his cot on his own but will wake again an hour or 2 after, when he wakes he only crys until i get to him then will fall right back asleep he doesn't want to play he just wants a cuddle. DS has no problems getting to sleep it's staying asleep the waking for an hour+ has only started with teething/seperation anxiety.

I have a friend who co slept until 2 then her DS went in his own bed no problem and my sister who co slept and her 5yr old still gets in bed with her so i know there can be problems with some kids. It's a temp solution at the moment

YOU are sleep deprived. It's a crappy place to be. I agree with those who say your DP has a choice - to cover the night wakings himself, or go with your solution of co-sleeping. But clearly something has to change and there are options.

We "co-sleep" and it's great. Once the baby got mobile we did use a cot - so she goes down in a cot in the evening, and then get into bed with me when she wakes up - sometimes this is 11pm, sometimes its a blissful 5am or even 6am though this is rare (I did this with both DD's). But we all get sleep and feel great for it - well apart from those mornings when DD2 wakes at 5am and doesn't go back down but those mornings are rare. I could not be sitting up trying to settle a baby again and again in the night and still function during the day. Plus it must be very stressful.

As for a "rod for your own back" etc this has not been my experience at all. As they go down in the evening in a cot (kind of have to do this or they will wake and wander off bed), they were both used to sleeping in a cot and that just got extended as they slept longer. It all works out.

Perhaps you should sleep on the sofa for a week and let your DP deal with the night wakings. He'll have a different perspective on the issue after a week of it. And YOU also WORK during the day too and lack of sleep affects your performance and general well being.

Good luck.

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