to tell DP we are co-sleeping and if he doesn't like it he can sleep on the sofa (long)

(202 Posts)
lola88 Tue 16-Oct-12 13:51:54

I want to co-sleep with DS 8mo DP doesn't. I want to put my foot down and tell him i'm bringing DS in with us if he doesn't like it he knows where the sofa is. I know that makes me sound like a total bitch but i can asure you i'm not, i've never put my foot down and demanded anything before i'm usually a bit of a people pleaser.

BUT DS is driving me to the point where i feel i am losing my mind. He has never been a good sleeper and has got worse as he gets older i have tried EVERYTHING to get him to sleep he just won't. A good night is 2 wakings the record for worst night (not counting teething and illness) is 9. Now that he's 8 months he's started to get seperation anxiety from me and the wakings are getting to every 1-2 hours just wanting me. He's lovely but even in the day very high needs.

I have now got to the stage i'm so tired i'm constantly upset, angry, weepy, i'm so forgetfull it becoming a problem in day to day life, i'm a shit friend constantly cancelling things (or forgetting them) because i want to try to sleep, i snap and DS and DN to much, and can't be bothered to do anything. The house is decending into a hovel but i just can't be bothered doing anything but the basics. I'm turning into this crazy woman i don't even know.

The last 2 nights i've brought DS from his cot into our bed at 11ish and have slept so much better sunday night he woke twice and needed resettled 2/3 times but i could settle him before he properly woke stopping it turning into an hour trying to get him back down, last night for the first time in his life he only woke once slept soundly until 7! I feel like i'm coming back to being a human being again i've managed to clean the house and be a fun mummy.

I want to keep going with bringing him in DP says no because then we have to try to get him to sleep alone when he's older and he knowss how tired i am but i should keep going. Well i say bullshit doing it one night a week then getting to sleep in til 12pm does not mean you know what it's like i need sleep for my sanity especially when i go back to work so DP will have to like it or lump it. I do see his point about then having to get DS back on his own at some point but to me that seems like the lesser of the 2 problems.

AIBU?

ClippedPhoenix Tue 16-Oct-12 15:20:21

I co-slept with my DS and highly recommend it. My DS also had a bottle at night until he was 7. He also bathed with me until that age too.

I can assure you he doesn't still get in with me at 14 much to my upset

He is one of the most well adjusted, calm, content human beings I know.

ksrwr Tue 16-Oct-12 15:21:13

personally if i were the only one giving care to the baby in the night, i would think i was the only one who was allowed an opinion.
i think you're totally right.
you can obviously spend some time explaining why you're doing what you're doing. but unless your DP wants to take over, he needs to leave the nighttime decisions to you.
sleep deprivation is so horrific, you need to get back to being yourself, hopefully your DP will see your happiness/togetherness increase and he will come around to the idea.

DuelingFanjo Tue 16-Oct-12 15:22:43

'you'll be making a rod for your own back.'

BINGO!

YANBU

PoppyAmex Tue 16-Oct-12 15:24:04

"Normally decisions shouldn't be made unilaterally. But I made every sleep decisions unilaterally with DD (after discussions with DH) because I was the one doing the bulk of the night wakings. He can't bow out and make the decisions. If he wants to be an equal partner and do half the night wakings, he can make half the decisions. At the moment he is making the decisions and you are suffering the consequences."

^^
This. Spot on.

HumphreyCobbler Tue 16-Oct-12 15:24:06

I co slept with my dd and she moved into a cot at about 14 months. She never gets into our bed in the night.

I would do it. Sleep deprivation is utter hell. It made me insane.

QuickLookBusy Tue 16-Oct-12 15:24:18

Why does the "D"H need to be onside?

It isn't him whose having to deal with sleepless nights. Unless he is willing to HELP in someway, I'd be inclined to tell him to F off.

OP just do whatever you need to get a proper nights sleep. I coslept with DD2, DH didn't care, as long as we were ALL sleeping, he was happy. And any loving patner should feel the same.

I really can't understand the kind of relationship where one is telling the other "I know co sleeping will mean you get a good nights sleep, but I don't like it, so don't do it" angry what kind of person does that?

NellyBluth Tue 16-Oct-12 15:24:40

I think this would be easier with your DP on board, and so I'd say YAB a little U - BUT my god you must be knackered, and at this stage anything is worth trying to get some sleep.

I second the suggestions above about getting one of the cots where you can take the side off and putting it next to your bed, so that your DS is next to you but your DP is less restricted in the bed, hopefully sleeping a bit better than if he was actually sharing the bed with the baby.

Do be careful that if you tell your DP to sleep on the sofa this might have repercussions for your relationship (only might, I don't want to sound like a harbinger of doom). But MrsPratchett is right, you do more (all?) of the night wakings so at the moment this is far more of your decision than it is your DPs.

MrsMuddyPuddles Tue 16-Oct-12 15:25:11

What alternatives has your DH proposed since he doesn't want to co-sleep?
I wouldn't go so far as to say "tell your Dp that if he wants DS in his own room then he has to get up in the night with him." even though that's what happeend in my family as I am a real bitch without enough sleep, but if he doesn't like the solution you like, he's got to come up with one you can accept and impliment as a couple.

Viviennemary Tue 16-Oct-12 15:25:35

Personally I think co-sleeping is a totally mad idea. That is my personal opinion. If it works for people and their partners then fine. It certainly wouldn't have worked for me. Couldn't you compromise and move the baby into your room but in his own cot. I think the decision about co-sleeping really does have to be a joint one.

Pochemuchka Tue 16-Oct-12 15:26:36

I co sleep with mine and one of the reasons for this was that DD didn't sleep through a single night, ever, until she was 2 and I did all the night wakings.

I have never felt tiredness like it - to the point where the tiredness was damaging my relationship more than not sleeping in a bed together could and it was actually dangerous. I would nod off at random times during the day and didn't dare sit down. (Before I had DD I used to go out to work 6 days a week, leaving at 6am and not home until gone 10pm so it's not like I don't have a comparison to make, either)

I personally think you should ask your DH to take over more night time wakings - 3 days for him, 4 for you would be fairer or do it in shifts. If he says no then do whatever it takes to keep your sanity. If he isn't prepared to help you out then he doesn't deserve to have a say IMO. (I know I sound harsh!)

If its any help, DS was the opposite and slept through at 2 weeks and they both sleep soundly now unless ill or having bad dreams. Good job really as DC3 is on the way!
Good luck smile

Pochemuchka Tue 16-Oct-12 15:29:12

Cross posts about bedside cot - I have one and its a fantastic compromise.

2rebecca Tue 16-Oct-12 15:30:53

I think it is more important for a child that its parents have a good, loving relationship than that it gets to sleep in the same bed as them.

DuelingFanjo Tue 16-Oct-12 15:32:36

"I think it is more important for a child that its parents have a good, loving relationship than that it gets to sleep in the same bed as them. "

I don't think the OP gives a shit about it being best for baby, she wants some sleep which she isn't getting at the moment and her husband isn't pulling his weight so IMO she gets to choose whatever helps her to sleep more.

YANBU - if DH has such a problem with cosleeping he needs to be part of the sleep solution.
We coslept - all three now sleep in their own beds quite happily ( they are 3yrs and up). There have been times when DH has lsept ont he sofa bed, in one of the older DC's beds when they are waking or when I have gone out to whichever bed. Whatever meant that we were all getting as much sleep as possible.

KenLeeeeeee Tue 16-Oct-12 15:34:51

I'm with you, OP. That kind of tiredness is so debilitating and unless your DH is prepared to share the load at night, he needs to accept that you need to do whatever it takes to get some sleep.

If you are so tired that you cannot function, that will do your relationship no good whatsoever, especially if it's breeding resentment towards your husband for getting in the way of the one thing that would allow you to sleep.

TanteRose Tue 16-Oct-12 15:36:44

Of course you should co-sleep

It is complete no-brainer in a situation like this when you are beginning to lose the ability to function during the day

QuickLookBusy Tue 16-Oct-12 15:37:29

2rebecca "I think it is more important for a child that its parents have a good, loving relationship than that it gets to sleep in the same bed as them."

They aren't going to have a "good, loving relationship" if the OP isn't getting any sleep are they? Tiredness is one of the main reasons couples don't have sex.

N0tinmylife Tue 16-Oct-12 15:38:35

I started reading and thought you were being unreasonable, until I got to the part where you said your DH doesn't want to help. If he is not prepared to do anything to stop you feeling so utterly exhausted, then you need to do whatever works, and he will just have to live with it! It seems very unfair of him to expect you to struggle on like you have been, if you know there is a way you can get the sleep you need.

Davsmum Tue 16-Oct-12 15:43:37

My sister started co sleeping with her 2nd child,.. She now has 4 children and 2 of them end up sleeping in her and her husband's bed every night.
She swore it was 'just until they didn't wake up at night'
The two who sleep in their bed are 6 years and 5 years old! I don't know how her husband puts up with it!

Whilst you are that tired I can't blame you for just taking the baby in with you. If your DH thinks its a bad idea,..he needs to pull his finger out and help you.

ChasedByBees Tue 16-Oct-12 15:46:29

I have a similar issue with my 9mo and it is awful, especially now I'm back at work. I have the benefit of a supportive husband. It would give me the rage if he refused to help, moaned at attempts to improve the sleeping and tried to dictate how to do things when they have no impact on him and lots on you.

I find cosleeping helps my DD settle so I'm doing it. I'll deal with longer term consequences if there are any when I'm not so overcome by tiredness.

2rebecca - a relationship isn't going to be good if one person is so tired they can't function and the other person refuses to help in any way.

lola88 Tue 16-Oct-12 15:48:13

HA sex is a thing of the past now we had more when DS was a newborn i'm just to tired to waste my sleep time on that! We have a great relationship usually but it's all going down hill because i'm a grumpy moody shattered mess! Plus we have sex on the sofa anyway the walls are to think upstairs ;)

Baaartimaeus that is exactly what i was hoping to do.

I'm just going to bring him in if DP doesn't like it he can get up with DS or go downstairs to sleep though i do have the feeling when he gets the old me back and isn't woke by me getting up and down all night he might change his mind. I never wanted to co sleep but things change i didn't think 8 mo down the line i'd still be up a million times a night.

I do have to say he is a brilliant partner and father in all ways except sleep because ironicly he loves his sleep and hates to be woken so is shit with night time.

cantspel Tue 16-Oct-12 15:49:51

why cant you put a single bed in your childs room and co sleep in that?

That way no one needs to sleep on the sofa and hopefully everyone gets a good nights sleep in a bed.

QuickLookBusy Tue 16-Oct-12 15:52:28

Davsmum "I don't know how her husband puts up with it"

All these poor men having to put up with their patner's trying to get a good nights sleep!

Really, these women should know to put their Husbands needs and wishes before their need for sleep. Do women not know their place?

GhostShip Tue 16-Oct-12 15:59:24

Quicklookbusy - did you miss the part where the children are 6 and 5..

Davsmum Tue 16-Oct-12 15:59:25

My sisters two kids are 6 and 5!

They won't sleep in their own beds because they don't have to !
My sister isn't trying to get a good nights sleep - she wants the kids in bed with her and cannot be bothered to get them to sleep in their own bed.
Why the hell should a man have to put up with that for all these years? They are not babies.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now