to think life is dealing me a duff hand

(28 Posts)
belle7 Sat 13-Oct-12 23:46:33

im at the end of my tether in four years ive had four members of my family have cancer .
my dad is fighting cancer , my gran died of it four years ago , my uncle died of it and we bury him on Thursday and my mum has just been diagnosed with it.

i work as a support worker i support families but i am really thinking i must be a bad person as all this has happened . ive recently had a miscarriage and i don't know how much we are meant to be able to take .

i know im feeling sorry for myself but i really have had enough .

lovebunny Sun 14-Oct-12 00:52:11

apologies, a speedy recovery for your dad also. xx

lovebunny Sun 14-Oct-12 00:51:24

belle7, i don't think for a minute its something you've done, or a way of punishing you, or a way of getting at you. i think you're having a horrible time. i think that cancer, some types of cancer, occur in families.

whatever you have done in life, it isn't enough to deserve what's happened in your family. i knew of a woman who neglected her daughter, and then the daughter was murdered. she hadn't 'earned' that tragedy. i know, now, a woman approaching forty who had miscarriages then a much loved baby girl but the baby developed leukaemia and died last weekend. there is nothing on earth that woman could have ever have done to deserve that.

its not about being bad. i don't even think its about being strong enough to take it. i think it happens. even though i believe in God, and i know He has a plan, i think these things just happen. something genetic, something environmental, something to do with lifestyle - not fault, just happening.

i wish you some comfort and some moments of joy to lift your spirits. may your mum recover and this difficult time pass.

Iatemyskinnyperson Sun 14-Oct-12 00:38:30

So sorry to hear this, all the best, wish your parents a good recovery

marbleslost Sun 14-Oct-12 00:34:01

We had a similar run of awful things a couple of years ago. I did start to wonder if there was some reason for it. I keep waiting for the next disaster, but it hasn't happened yet.

Just to say it is completely dreadful when this happens. I would strongly advise you to do as much as you can to keep yourself well as I think I ended up extremely stressed and depressed afterwards.

And that things will get better. I try to think of it as that I've had all my bad luck all at once and it's not my turn any more.

Sending you my best xx

iheartmycat Sun 14-Oct-12 00:29:15

i can totally appreciate where you are - in a space of ten months, as a teenager, i found my dad dead, was diagnosed with the same heart condition that killed him, had major surgery against my wishes for same condition, then lost a good friend to the same thing. I so remember that feeling of just waiting for the next bad thing....

Just take it day by day and things WILL start to get brighter. You're NOT a bad person, you're obviously a strong one but don't be afraid to tell people YOU need looking after too.

In 8 months time, I very much hope that you'll be updating us that you are sitting with your lovely new baby, after having a visit from your mum and dad, who are both in remission from cancer smile

Keep being brave, this too will pass xx

NosFarlotu Sun 14-Oct-12 00:15:11

Thinking of you. This is nothing to do with the kind of person you are. The people I know who have had the most tragedies in their lives are mostly the most wonderful people I know. I understand how it feels when the universe seems out to get you, but this is not personal and not a punishment. Do you have a cancer support centre near you, like a Maggies Centre? They can be just the thing at times like these. brew

JeezyOrangePips Sun 14-Oct-12 00:13:27

I know how it feels. In the space of a year I lost my dad, my mums best friend and my uncle, all to cancer. In the space of two and a half years I had that, plus my long term relationship ended, I had to move house and change jobs. I was bullied in my new work and had to leave there too.

It's now a year on and things are much improved. I can honestly say I am happy for what feels like the first time in years. It will get better. You just need uk allow youself the time to grieve. It's okay to be sad. But you also have to be kind to yourself. Don't feel bad about feeling bad and also, don't feel bad when you forget for a while and have a giggle or a night out.

Take care of yourself, and make the most of the time you have with your family.

achillea Sun 14-Oct-12 00:12:16

Hi Belle, I have also lost four family members, in the past 5 years, and also am supposed to be the strong one. I have found people are keeping away from me. This is very hard as I just want everyone to feed me hot sweet tea and make me cakes. I have had not one cup of tea and zero cakes. I have one very good friend who always does the right thing by me, but I think when there is a lot of death around you people get scared off and don't know what to say.

It's shit really, no other way to put it. Then there's the fallout, when someone dies there is always fallout such as extra paperwork, property to be dealt with, children, etc etc. Funerals to arrange - I'm good at that now. And it's all very draining.

Anyway it may be of some help but it may not, a friend of mine said once that when you lose someone you go a bit crazy for a while. You just have to allow yourself that, a bit of madness and a bit of time being untogether and incapable. Forgive yourself and forgive everyone else for not being there for you. She said it will pass. I am still waiting.

HappyTurquoise Sun 14-Oct-12 00:10:36

Think of little things to look forward to.

HappyTurquoise Sun 14-Oct-12 00:10:05

Make a list of the good things, however small.

HappyTurquoise Sun 14-Oct-12 00:07:17

Belle, that sounds like a sea of pain and numbness. As others have said, find some support for yourself. Let it out and take a look at it all. Counselling would be best, but friends too, and other relatives.

Count the relatives who don't have cancer...Other uncles and aunts, and grandparents; brothers or sisters; children, nephews & nieces, DH and his extended family?

Your Mum & Dad are fighting the cancer, don't assume it has won!

People (or relatives) don't get cancer (or have miscarriages) for being a bad person. They are not bad people, you are not a bad person.

Take heart.

ATourchOfInsanity Sun 14-Oct-12 00:04:20

Try to get some help away from friends (better that way anyway). You need to talk this through with someone you can let yourself go with.
Get some sleep, if you can, and try to sort something like counselling out in the morning. You need to be strong for you now too. Otherwise you become like a saturated sponge, and believe me you will be no help to anyone that way.
You and bubs will be fine. You just need to focus on any positivity you have and get yourself someone independent to talk to smile

lisad123 Sun 14-Oct-12 00:03:46

Breathe deep, stress will have no effect on any of the things you are dealing with and most of it is out of your hands. What ever will happen, will happen wether you stress or not.
Write a blog.

belle7 Sun 14-Oct-12 00:01:17

im only 9 weeks pregnant i know i have to not stress any tips lol

WorraLiberty Sun 14-Oct-12 00:00:27

It's been a shit 4yrs for you OP to put it mildly

But perhaps the birth of your baby will be the start of a run of great luck and happiness for the next 4yrs, who knows?

Live has a way of evening out good and bad luck eventually I think...even if it doesn't seem that way now.

lisad123 Sun 14-Oct-12 00:00:11

Life is how you make it, your choices are your own. Life sucks, bad things happen and that's it. Nothing to do with what kind of person you are.

belle7 Sat 13-Oct-12 23:59:32

i feel i cant talk to people because i have to be the positive person i cant be seen to be thinking of death . i dont know i think im just a little messed up

belle7 Sat 13-Oct-12 23:57:30

a touch thank you so much i have a great friends network but hey im the one thats strong. im also expecting my first babe so am worried something will go wrong i hate hoe life has made me . just waiting for the bad points

TooMuchFuckingPerspective Sat 13-Oct-12 23:57:12

Yes, life is dealing you an extremely duff hand but it has sweet fa to do with whether you are a good person. Just the shitty role of the dice. Really very sorry u have to deal with this but keep talking to people.

PeppermintLatte Sat 13-Oct-12 23:57:05

i'm really sorry all this is happening to you. you'll cope, somehow, you're stronger than you think.

really hope your mum and dad get better soon. xxx

AgnesBligg Sat 13-Oct-12 23:55:49

Worra puts it very well.

This must be very hard for you and I'm so sorry. Try and keep strong but look after yourself too. It sounds quite shit for you right now.

DistressedMumHELP Sat 13-Oct-12 23:55:19

I am so sorry to hear that. I lost both my own dad to throat cancer, and my father in law to cancer. I was 15months when I lost my dad. My father in law I was 18. I had miscarried 6 months before. Things always seem to happen together its like life tests us. It's so hard.

belle7 Sat 13-Oct-12 23:55:14

the thing is because of my work i know the people that are worse off . i just wabt life to be ok

lisad123 Sat 13-Oct-12 23:53:46

I'm sorry you are going though a rough time. You are not a bad person, these things happen sadly but it's no ones fault.

One thing that keeps me going is knowing, sadly, that there is always someone in a worst situation than you or me.

belle7 Sat 13-Oct-12 23:52:15

i just don't know how much more i can take . i feel weak just lost . im waiting for the next bad thing to happen

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now