To be ambiguous about having children ...

(68 Posts)
SoupInaBasket Tue 09-Oct-12 20:21:21

I suppose a quick run down would be, trying for 5 years, one MC, now we find DH and I both have issues with fertility.
Offered IVF, I turned it down as not emotionally ready for it, I don't feel
Anyway, now it's been so long I feel like my want has died, not got stronger, but carrying on TTC I feel like ... Well I'd be happy with no children.
Which is fine.
But my ambiguity is: should we stop and prevent until I'm clearer about what we/I want?

nokidshere Wed 10-Oct-12 18:27:38

I think fertility problems and mc can skew your judgement and your feelings somewhat. Its a long hard slog and emotionally soul destroying. I think I agree with a pp who said that you are right to stop the ivf but maybe not try and prevent a "natural" pregnancy if you feel that you would be happy having a baby "if" one just came along.

We had fertility problems and treatment (including failed ivf) for 15 years. Then a doctor basically said "go away there is nothing more we can do for you". We planned our lives as a childless couple and came to terms with the situation. Since I had never fallen pregnant we did not use contraception.

When I was 39 I fell pregnant "naturally". I was elated. 3 months into the pregnancy I was a complete mess. Had a major meltdown on holiday because I wasn't ready (even after 17 years), "it" would ruin our lives which we had just got back on track after being so devastated, all our new plans would have to be put on hold etc etc. I got drunk and was sobbing for days sad. I realised though that this was just the culmination of all my hurt and feelings over the years and after the meltdown I came to terms with the fact that we were actually going to be (very old) parents. I had a beautiful boy, and, two years later I fell pregnant again and had another beautiful boy. Needless to say I would not change a thing now.

I am only relating this story to you to try and help you put your feelings into context. I think infertility makes you build up so many barriers to stop the pain and hurt that you convince yourself that it really doesn't matter.

I hope everything works out for you x

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 18:34:42

Thanks del girl x posts are good if opinion is stronger then I'm open to hear it.
No kids here, that's a nice story, the relating is good, and yes I worry about feeling like you did mid pregnancy. Good to hear it turned out well

DelGirl Wed 10-Oct-12 18:58:50

I felt like nokidshere. I had 5 attempts at iui after my dh died. 2 failed, 2 mc's and final one was dd. I put my whole being into it. When it seemed that all was ok with dd I thought omg, what have I done, can I cope, is it fair, all sorts of things. Really, I think it is a coping thing because you know, I think after all i'd been through with dh and the iui, I was then preparing for worst case that all wouldn't be well. Until I held her, I held back a bit. Obviously I wouldn't change having dd, only wish dh was here to share. (The responsibility and sheer bloody hard work lol grin)

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 19:02:50

Hug for delgirl x

Bunbaker Wed 10-Oct-12 19:13:33

Wow! A thread that states exactly how it was for me! I had been told that getting pregnant was extremely unlikely and carrying a baby to full term even more so. I was offered IVF but couldn't be doing with all the procedures involved. By that time I had had a laparoscopy, scans and the test where they shoot dye up you to see where it does or doesn't go. I knew that IVF was pretty invasive and decided that I wasn't all that bothered whether I had children or not, and just carried on with my life and siezed opportunities that I ight not have taken if I had had children.

I managed to get pregnant spontaneously and completely out of the blue at 41 and was scared and delighted at the same time.

Looking back I wouldn't say that my life is any better for having DD, it is just different. Children bring a lot of love, but they are also such a worry and your life is never the same.

AgentZigzag Wed 10-Oct-12 19:33:56

What nokids said rings true for me too.

We were checked out to get IVF but they said we couldn't (unless we paid), so we just left it up to whether it was meant to be or not - and she was apparently grin

At first the pregnancy did feel a bit of an inconvenience, especially the no gin part shock and thinking of the independence I'd/we'd lose, but that didn't last long.

ambivalent. not ambiguous. sorry. not being a total pedant. but just wrong word.

ambivalent. not ambiguous. sorry. not being a total pedant. but just wrong word.

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 19:51:51

Ha ha thanks smile

AgentZigzag Wed 10-Oct-12 19:57:54

No comment on the OPs situation then MadameD? Just pointing out the inaccuracy?

What a very patronising use of your time.

The posters who've answered knew what you meant Soup, and that's all that matters.

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 20:01:26

The free dictionary online says it also means doubtful and unsure.
I know I was wrong, but I think I was kinda right of.

I did laugh though. Not a pedant but ... Was a good start smile

agent, i really respect you as a poster. i am not trying to be patronising. no harm in pointing a word is being used wrongly. i know what the op meant. but wrong flipping word! i judged it not to be a thread that couldnt take a correction. it was not meant to be a sarky aibu bunfight post. i did say sorry in my post. but it was the wrong word.

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 20:04:19

Madame could to please capitalise for me I can't quite read it ....

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 20:04:45

Could you! Haha I can't write either. Or make babies, waaaahhh. smile

anyway, word usage aside. i have only one ds and so wish i could have given him some siblings.

AgentZigzag Wed 10-Oct-12 20:08:04

It's a sensitive thread and you chose to wade in with your post MadamD.

If you were sorry you wouldn't have posted.

I don't care how Soup chose to express what she was feeling, I knew what she meant and so did other posters.

No need.

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 20:08:18

So word usage aside after I spot your grammar.
Hehe, I'm kidding. Sort of.

sorry. that sounds weird. misread thread completely. i hought it was about having a third child. so yes, my comment was unkind and inappropriate. please accept my apologies.

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 20:11:11

I do have to ask what about siblings has to do with my post. I'm struggling to have 1. I might never have that.
I can't feel bad for you in a way. Hugs though x

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 20:12:39

Madame, no matter.
I x posted. It can't be nice for you, secondary infertilty is a hard from what I see. X

Agent. you are quite right. i feel really bad. sorry soup. you didnt need my nonsense. i am so sorry.

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 20:15:53

This makes me chuckle. It's really not a problem. I have a few big ones, it pales.
What can't you have another child?
You mention it so I ask .... I don't mind

AgentZigzag Wed 10-Oct-12 20:16:06

Now I feel bad grin

I worried about DD1 being an only even though we'd 'chosen' for it not to be so, there are benefits to both sides of the coin is all I can say grin

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 20:18:28

Fwiw my mum only wanted 1 .... I'd have loved to be an oly! I was the first.
I'm 30 and I told asked my mum if I was the pfb.
She said I was and soooooo much more smile

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 20:18:57

And still am I should have said smile

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