To be ambiguous about having children ...

(68 Posts)
SoupInaBasket Tue 09-Oct-12 20:21:21

I suppose a quick run down would be, trying for 5 years, one MC, now we find DH and I both have issues with fertility.
Offered IVF, I turned it down as not emotionally ready for it, I don't feel
Anyway, now it's been so long I feel like my want has died, not got stronger, but carrying on TTC I feel like ... Well I'd be happy with no children.
Which is fine.
But my ambiguity is: should we stop and prevent until I'm clearer about what we/I want?
Confused.

We got to this point too, then I fell pregnant with DS naturally (we'd refused IVF, decided that it just wasn't meant to be and thought we were happy with our decision). I was overjoyed at my pregnancy, surprisingly so, just totally and utterly delighted. And now that he's here we know we would never have had it any other way. But I do think that had we stayed childless we would have had a lovely, satisfying, full life, just in a totally different way.

I think if you're not 100% sure then turning down IVF is the right thing to do; but if you believe that you would be happy if you fell pregnant naturally, then why prevent it from possibly happening?

ThreeEdgedSword Tue 09-Oct-12 20:34:30

If you think stopping trying for a while will help you get your head straight, by all means, do it. Then if you decide you want to try IVF, you can. If not, that's fine too. The important thing is your mental health, a MC and fertility problems are tough to deal with.

Good luck, whatever you decide x

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 17:32:50

Sorry for late reply. Appreciate it.
I'm just worried as I move further away from it if it did happen I'd be unprepared, due to our issues I'm convinced its not meant to be my life plan and wondering if I should prevent to go along with that.
It's very confusing when it doesn't just happen.

Lottapianos Wed 10-Oct-12 17:39:25

Well YANBU at all. You've had a terrible time and its not surprising you feel shaken. Having children is not for everyone. Listen to your gut feeling, although I know it can be hard to trust it! I've been vaguely thinking about TTC recently but when I did have a slight scare recently, I felt horrified and panicked at the thought of the test being positive. That helped to make my gut feeling on the issue clearer. How would you feel if you discovered that you were unexpectedly pregnant?

mummymeister Wed 10-Oct-12 17:39:34

your head has to be in the right place for fertility treatment because it is gruelling and every month it does not work feels like a disaster or a failure. if you really arent bothered at the moment then this no law saying that you must have or want to have kids. lots of people choose not to for lots of different reasons. if it is a problem with your relationship then you are damn sensible for sorting this out first. if its just how you feel then that is fine and you need time to work it through though i would say take precautions during this time in case. My only cautionary note is to do with age. dont know which side of 30 you are but if you are nearer 40 then you have to be aware that if you wait too long it will be out of your hands. suggest you speak to your GP to find out the % chance of pregnancy to help you decide. good luck and hope you come to the right decision.

AgentZigzag Wed 10-Oct-12 17:41:35

Could your ambiguity be down to protecting yourself a bit from the monthly 'I'm not pregnant' feeling?

I wasn't that fussed about it after 7 years of waiting for DD2 after two MCs, then I panicked wondering WTF I'd done when I first found out she was there, now I can't imagine it without her smile

But you're being sensible about it and that has to be a good thing. Nobody knows what it'll feel like to hold their newborn in their arms, it's not something you can get across with words, but you're right to make sure it's what you both want seeing as you can't send them back.

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 17:43:25

No relationship problems at all. we are closer due to issues, we decided not to let this break us. Lots of people break over this.
I'm 30 ....

The percentage naturally is very low. My eggs don't always pop and hubby has extremely low count with extremely low mobility and motility.
It would be a miracle.

But we did it once! It like that was e 1 baby that ever cold have happened then it fell out!

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 17:44:49

Maybe protection yes .... smile

AgentZigzag Wed 10-Oct-12 17:47:12

How would you feel if you found out you were pregnant right at this moment?

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 17:49:11

I'd wonder how I would ever afford it.
Then I'd worry I'd be a bad mum as I have issues in other areas too. It would be fear.
Ten my mi would say what she always does which is you'd manage financially and is be a good mum as I'm lovely haha.
She wants grandchildren!

CailinDana Wed 10-Oct-12 17:50:36

How does your DH feel about it?

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 17:51:22

The other things that bothers me I guess is if we changed our minds like I've tended to tell people is pity as I was an idiot and told everyone we were TTC-ing.
I kind of get treated a bit like I've got an illness.
I'd much rather infertility than cancer, blindness etc

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 17:53:31

DH is alright with what've, he hasn't pressurised me into IVF, he thinks we should just see how it goes.
He says he loves me and wants me and anyone else is a bonus

AgentZigzag Wed 10-Oct-12 17:53:47

She's right though, you do manage, money comes money goes.

Every parent worries about the ways they're fucking up their children grin the problems begin with the parents who don't worry.

And everyone has issues.

There, all sorted grin

CailinDana Wed 10-Oct-12 17:54:48

It sound to me like you're worn out from the whole thing and don't know which way is up any more. Is that fair?

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 17:55:01

Haha that does sound pretty sorted.
I'm an addict in recovery ... Still sorted?
grin

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 17:55:44

Cailin, very fair. X
X to zig too

GilbGeekette Wed 10-Oct-12 18:01:48

I'm exactly where you are, with the unexpected addition of an 8wk MC (didn't even realise I was PG, thought I was late due to life being stressful). We effectively have two plans, one for if a baby comes along, (I have 2 DDs of 14 and 16, DH has none) whereby we'd be chuffed to be parents (in my case again), and a plan for being childfree (ahem) in 10 years which involves lots of foreign travel.

I have moment where I'm floored by starting again (and numerous people who tell me I'm mad to even be considering it hmm) and moments where I want to. I think its natural that it fluctuates a bit. In my case I put a lot of effort into taking my head away from it happening so every period wasn't cause for misery and tears (which it was in my case) which I might have done so effectively that it turned into a sort of indifference to getting PG?

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 18:05:25

It's a slightly different situation as you do stae you do have dds but have you been trying? Sorry about your mc, it's a hideous process physically and emotionally.
Same question asked of me, to you from me, what's your DH take on it?

MardyArsedMidlander Wed 10-Oct-12 18:13:33

I was in a similar position to you and when it came to the possibility of IVF, I realised I couldn't go through with it. i had some exploratory surgery and it was so vile it made me realise that actually I wasn't that arsed.

Despite what everyone tells you- I have never regretted it. In fact, when I had a scare a few months ago I was bloody praying it was an early menopause wink

GilbGeekette Wed 10-Oct-12 18:14:03

Soup, yes, gods I'm really sorry. It was utterly crass of me to compare my situation to yours. I should have said in terms of TTC times, diagnoses and not going the IVF route blush It's been so long since I had a tiny baby though, and since reading MN, I realised how (scarily) the world has moved on in terms of parenting (or maybe I was oblivious, I was 18 when I had eldest DD!)

DH is older than me (48, I'm 35) and says that before meeting me he had reconciled himself to not having kids due to lack of meeting The One (that's me!) to have them with! When we talked about TTC he was crying, couldn't believe that he was going to get the chance to have one. So we toodle along TTC for a while, then tests etc then the world comes crashing down on him.

He says he doesn't mind either way, that the fact that I was willing (his words not mine) to even consider motherhood again was more than he'd ever imagined. I think he minds a LOT and wants a baby even more than I do. We agreed on no IVF due to the fact that we'd both seem friends of ours have it, and the immense pressure it can sometimes cause. He says that he has me and my DD and that's more than he'd hoped for. I'm not sure I believe him 100% but I know he loves me and doesn't want me upset/pressured etc. For me, it's the same. I want us and our relationship more than a hypothetical baby, if that makes any sense?

SoupInaBasket Wed 10-Oct-12 18:24:06

March - s you stayed child free?
Geek - glad you didn't think means being ride I wasn't for sure. Just clarifying. Your DH doesn't hae children and I think it must make it fresh worry for you, so I appreciate that. S don't worry!
And wow pretend you don't have kids we do have similar feelings. Saying no to IVF sometimes feel like saying no to chemo. Everyone has kids lol ( it feels!) so some have told me to a natural progression if you want a baby. Fr me it feels like a torture prospect.
I'm 100% sure it's a no to IVF - believe me there will be no panic when I'm 35', but to me I think preventing would be a chapter closing and allow me fully to move on.
I think that makes more seems tha my first post lol

DelGirl Wed 10-Oct-12 18:25:23

I think your reaction is normal but doesn't necessarily mean that you don't want children. Possibly your subconscious is preparing you for the possibiity that it may not happen. I felt like you and felt like there was plenty of things I could do without children though this was more when dh was alive (before I had dd)

Probably the above doesn't help much as we're all different but if it was me, i'd leave things to nature for a bit and see what happens.

DelGirl Wed 10-Oct-12 18:27:31

x posts, ignore grin

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