To not want a funeral when I die

(72 Posts)

While I understand its about paying respect I have been to two funerals recently that have cost in excess of four thousand pounds (one a lot more).

Most of the people there hadn't seen the assessed for decades and felt a duty to come and sit in a drafty church they don't want to be in then drink free booze and food afterwards.

I don't want people who didn't care enough to visit me in life to bother in death. I certainly dont want Money that my dd could have to be spent on them.

So aibu to tell my family just to send me to the crem without any service and tell them to spend the money on a holiday instead.

Can you even do that?

Sorry for morbid thread I've been writing my will.

Northernlurkerisbehindyouboo Tue 09-Oct-12 18:46:25

It's not obligatiry to have a funeral. I know two people who didn't. You should consult those likely to survive you though.

bluewonderful Tue 09-Oct-12 18:55:20

Although you might not want a funeral your loved ones may still want/need to do something to deal with grief - a funeral/memorial service/similar event is an important step in the grieving process. DH has struggled with loss of both his parents who were adamant that they wanted no service or ceremonies and whilst the family respected their wishes in retrospect feel that they missed out on a big opportunity to process their feelings and celebrate the life lost. But agree with you that this need not involve spending ££ on fancy coffins and funeral director fees.

bluewonderful Tue 09-Oct-12 18:57:33

Oh and well done on writing your will. Too many people never get round to it (reminds self hers needs updating as written pre-DCs and DC2 due next week!)

LynetteScavo Tue 09-Oct-12 19:06:13

Personally, I think you should do what is best for your DD. If you think she won't need a service to say goodbye to you, fair enough.

I suspect two of my DC will need me (and their Dad) to have full Catholic funerals. It will help them with their grieving. One of my DC won't care what kind of service we have/don't have. He would much rather have the money (in a practical way, not a horrid way).

scootle Tue 09-Oct-12 19:11:30

My father's funeral meant so much to me. It was wonderful to see some faces from the past - i was touched beyond belief that a lady we had known as children travelled to be there. My mum's family all came (they had been divorced for 20 years).

So yanbu to want to keep things simple; yabu to deny your dd a chance to commemorate you - it's a really important part of the hideous grieving process.

msrisotto Tue 09-Oct-12 19:12:47

To be fair, it's not really about you. It's about the loved ones you left behind, it's an essential grieving process.

elliejjtiny Tue 09-Oct-12 19:15:18

I'm planning on donating my body to medical science and then having a memorial service with a bring and share buffet. Unless DH/the DS's really want to spend a small fortune having me cremated.

exoticfruits Tue 09-Oct-12 19:21:09

I know some one who just donated their body to medical science and didn't have anything. However I think that YABU because it maybe what those who are left want-it may help them. Since you are not going to attend I would just leave it to them.

Oneflipflop Tue 09-Oct-12 19:24:44

My DM is donating her body to medical science and doesn't want a service because she doesn't like going to funerals, and doesn't want me to have stress, worry and expense of arranging one. As it happens, I could deal with it and would find it hard not to have that closure and memorial of her life with loved ones.

My FIL passed away last year, the funeral cost were huge. In the thousands. He had a burial and wake in the house. The cost of the flowers alone was ridiculous, but my dh and his family had the attitude of to hell with the money. Which was understandable. We only just finished paying for our flowers this month! They were so expensive, and MIL can't afford a headstone now! It is criminal how the respectful disposal of our loved ones has turned into a million pound industry! If anything happened to myself or DH who ever was left would not be able to pay for a funeral, even a basic one.

Also for reference the environmentally friendly coffins, like cardboard are MORE expensive than the traditional coffins!

I'm donating my body to medical research and my family can have a wake /memorial service in the house with tesco value crisps and cheap plonk!

EndoplasmicReticulum Tue 09-Oct-12 19:32:07

Medical science is having me, too. I don't care what happens, I'll be dead.

I don't go much for ceremonies anyway, had a very minimal registry office wedding and if medical science doesn't want me I'll have the same for the funeral.

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead Tue 09-Oct-12 19:37:32

Medical science for me too

GoldShip Tue 09-Oct-12 19:38:06

YABU.

Even though its your funeral, it's not actually for you is it. It makes people feel better when they say their last goodbyes

DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost Tue 09-Oct-12 19:41:14

I've just googled and found a cardboard coffin online for 99 quid which seems reasonable.

And also a bamboo wicker type coffin which looks like an enormous picnic hamper and really tempts me... grin

How do you know if medical science will want you?

Viperidae Tue 09-Oct-12 19:48:07

I think it is nice to have some mark of respect. You may have a whole new circle of friends by the time you die. My DF joined a golf club some years before his death and we were stunned at the number of men from there who turned up to the crem for his service - it was standing room only. There were also a lot of family, old friends, neighbours, etc

Dad insisted that he did not want a plot or headstone as he felt what is left behind is not him and if anything of him is still around it will be with his family. He said he would sooner have us visit each other than visit a stone.
I think that is a lovely thought.

I think that any funeral/wake is more for those left behind so I don't really care about mine, I'm happy for it to be whatever DH and DCs want.

malovitt Tue 09-Oct-12 20:00:25

I have left strict instructions that I am to have no funeral service and I have made sure everyone knows about it. It is written in my will and my family would never go against my wishes. They know how strongly I feel about it.

Immediate cremation, ashes in a simple box and then take me down our local and stick me on the bar whilst everyone has a quick drink. Next day, throw my ashes in the sea at the place I grew up in as a child.
That will do.
No order of service with dodgy photos and poems, no wittering on about my life and no-one failing miserably to pick out my favourite songs.
Boo hiss boo.

madonnawhore Tue 09-Oct-12 20:02:24

Once you die it's not really about you any more. Sorry.

My mum didn't want a funeral but when she died there was absolutely no way me or my brother or my dad or my nanna could've grieved properly and moved on without a funeral.

Also, the biggest expense was the bastard coffin! Even the cheapest one was nearly a grand.

If you're that bothered about expense then do that thing where you pay for it all befo you die. Or donate your body to science. But you have to fill out loads of forms and stuff first.

Mintyy Tue 09-Oct-12 20:11:06

I was extremely surprised, moved and even stunned by the number of people who turned out for dh's grandmother's funeral. Her 5 children and partners and all the grandchildren and partners had gathered at her house beforehand (so that was quite a number) to get things ready for the wake. Then we all walked together up to the village church for the service. It was absolutely packed to the rafters with only just enough room for family in the front two pews. So incredibly moving and it meant a great deal to dh's mum and her siblings that so many came to see her off.

ethelb Tue 09-Oct-12 20:13:38

One of my grandfathers was a die-hard atheist who refused to leave plans for his funeral. He had one when he died but the process of arranging it has left a pool of bitter resentments amoung the family.

Basically this v atheist funeral took place in a unitarian church with buddist chanting and lots of slagging off the catholic church (me and my sisters are catholic). The minister (yes minister) basically manged to piss everyone off. And none of it was what my gpa would have wanted.

Yoiu really need to wirte down plans even if it is "put me in an oven and forget me"

It really isn't about you I'm afraid and is quite selfish (I have this argument with DP quite frequently).

Way2Go Tue 09-Oct-12 20:22:04

Medical science for me too.

My son is a medical student and they are really respectful of the cadavers and they have a service for them at the end of the year. Not that I would care as I would be dead but my survivors might care how my 'body' was treated.

RuleBritannia Tue 09-Oct-12 20:22:36

Medical science will not accept just anyone. They are picky about who/what they will have. I even offered my DH's organs (including skin and bone) but was declined. <voice of experience>

RuleBritannia Tue 09-Oct-12 20:22:59

sad

EndoplasmicReticulum Tue 09-Oct-12 20:24:57

Whistling - I've signed up with a local medical school, so the students can practise on me. However, if you donate organs they don't want you (and obviously that's priority, if they can use bits of you alive) - and if you die of certain things (including cancer) they can't use you either.

Way2Go Tue 09-Oct-12 20:28:36

It is true tht medical science won't accept anybody. See here

Looks a bit complicated....

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