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To have told my cousin to get a job rather than just living off the tax payer?

(66 Posts)
CrapBag Sat 06-Oct-12 08:13:06

My cousin is a bit of a layabout. She is 18. She did go to college but got kicked off the course after many many opportunites because she simply could not be bothered. She is the laziest person I know. She has never had a part time job because she never bothered and her mum didn't push her to get one ("whats she suppose to do" was her mums attitude yet her DS had to do paper rounds and get a job at 18 so he could pay rent hmm).

Now she was 18 a few months ago and was kicked off her course a couple of months before that. She hasn't been looking for a job, despite what she tells me. Her mum has the attitude of "I don't see why she should do that if she doesn't want to", which seems to be to any job but this was in response to my other aunt suggesting that my cousin try in a supermarket. She gives her money each week for doing bits of housework which she has raised as her DD doesn't have enough money apparently. Her mum has just taken her to the job centre to sign on. Her FB status said something about signing on so she "now has money lol" (her words). I said fine but I hoped she was looking for a job as living off the taxpayer was not a lifestyle choice. Ok, maybe patronising but as her own mother doesn't seem to give a shit if she lives off benefits, it bugs me when hard working people lounge about because jobs are not what the want to do, when they don't even know what the want to do. This is NOT benefit bashing at all. I only read in the paper yesterday about a man had applied for 900 jobs to try and support his GF and son but couldn't get anything but my cousin has applied for nothing.

She commented that she has to keep going to the job centre to sign on and do forms and she is looking so I shouldn't "piss her off". I suspect I hit a nerve because she isn't doing all she can and no one else seems to say it to her. She lays in bed until god knows what time then gets her mum to drop her over to her latest lad that she is obsessed with (and I do mean obsessed). Her looking would involve her looking at what is available and saying "I don't want to do that/I can't do that/I can't get there with her mum agreeing with al that she said.

I do know that it is nothing to do with me but when everyone else in the family just says things but no one will actually say it to her, I am the only person who will speak up. Her own mother is no help at all and has always 'let' her be lazy and totally bone idle.

catgirl1976 Sat 06-Oct-12 08:15:38

I think it's her DM you want a word with. She seems to have created this girls lack of ambition / work ethic.

altinkum Sat 06-Oct-12 08:17:49

It's nothing to do with you, I dislike the culture of the "lifestyle benefits" however she is only just turned 18, she has plenty of time to decide what is suitable for her...

CrapBag Sat 06-Oct-12 08:23:25

My other aunt has said it to her and her attitude is to get all snippy and just respond with "why should she". She doesn't listen and is the type of person who if you say something to, she will do the complete opposite (yes this is a woman in her 50's I am talking about, not a teenager).

CrapBag Sat 06-Oct-12 08:24:45

altinkum, she decided she wanted to do beauty, thats what she wants but she couldn't even be bothered to go to the course or do the work. If that was her attitude to something she actually wanted to do, then her attitude to something she doesn't is even worse.

mellowcat Sat 06-Oct-12 08:28:23

I wonder whether she has really low confidence and self esteem and perhaps it is all a front because underneath she doesn't feel she is worth employing.

WofflingOn Sat 06-Oct-12 08:28:29

It isn't your business.
If her mother wants to keep her and support her, then that is a choice that every parent has. If she's signing on, then she will have to attend job interviews and if she continuously gets sacked, then the benefits will stop.
She's 18 and been in education for 13 or 14 years, maybe she just wants to do nothing for a while until she finds something she feels interested in.
I don't understand why you are outraged at an unmotivated teenager that isn't yours, how old are your children?

Whitecherry Sat 06-Oct-12 08:33:37

What a family eh?

What with your husband ( just read op of other thread you just started) and this aunt and cousin.......

CrapBag Sat 06-Oct-12 08:34:13

My children are 4 and 1.

I guess I was brought up with the idea that not working was not an option. I had to get a really shitty job when I was 15 and I hated it, they were horrible to me and I got paid cash in hand, £2 an hour. After I got a decent part time job, I worked from then on. At one point I was doing 3 jobs to save some money.

I don't work now due to health reasons unfortunately so I do get annoyed when able people just refuse to.

I know my cousin well. She isn't taking time out to figure out what she wants to do after years of working hard at school or college, she just can't be bothered. That is her whole attitude. She isn't depressed or anything like that. A job would mean less time to chase around the latest lad on the scene.

I understand that some 18 year olds take some time out to enjoy themselves before deciding what to do with their lives but this is not my cousin. I do know her.

And I also said in the OP that I know it isn't anything to do with me, but it doesn't stop me getting annoyed by it.

CrapBag Sat 06-Oct-12 08:35:47

Whitecherry I also have a thread in relationships if you want to look at that too wink.

We could be on JK, with me cringing in the corner. Not all of my family though. I do have some decent members, some, well we really can't help who we are related to!

WofflingOn Sat 06-Oct-12 08:36:27

You've got one DS who is 5 and presumably still enthusiastic and keen to go to school. Let's hope he is still as shiny and positive when he's climbed the GCSE mountain and faces another ascent after that.
It is a decision that the teenager has to make, and it is between her and her parents.

WofflingOn Sat 06-Oct-12 08:38:36

I read the thread about your abandonment by your mother and I'm truly sorry that happened to you. However, your life experiences cannot dictate how other people choose to manage their families. You can be judgy, who on MN is not?
But IRL it is unlikely that your criticisms will change anything.

CrapBag Sat 06-Oct-12 08:40:28

Thats a good point Woffling.

Brycie Sat 06-Oct-12 08:42:46

I think you're right, definitely. No, I don't think you were being unreasonable to say that, it's free country.

newmum001 Sat 06-Oct-12 08:43:32

At 18 years old her mun can't force her to do anything. She won't get jsa for an unlimited amount of time. I think its 6 months now and during that time she will be sent on courses to gain skills and will be expected to go to interviews. If she fails to do any of that the money will stop. If it bothers you i'd delete her off fb and keep your distance tbh cause nothing you say will make a difference.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Sat 06-Oct-12 08:44:58

I'm just shock at the Mother "taking her to the job centre"

Why can't she go on her own ffs?!

Brycie Sat 06-Oct-12 08:47:07

By the way, re none of your business; it's not only your business, it's everybody's business who is a taxpayer, unless she stops claiming completely and lives off her mum.

WofflingOn Sat 06-Oct-12 08:47:51

Some mothers find it very hard to allow their children to grow up, as a primary school teacher I see a lot of mothers unwilling to let their children develop the appropriate level of independence, and there have been numerous threads about babied undergraduates with excessive parental input into their lives.

CrapBag Sat 06-Oct-12 08:48:12

BigFat exactly!! Part of the reasons why she may not be able to get to places is because she "can't get there". No they don't live in the back of beyond but a busy town with <shock horror> buses. God forbid she should need to take a bus.

WofflingOn Sat 06-Oct-12 08:48:38

'By the way, re none of your business; it's not only your business, it's everybody's business who is a taxpayer'

Then you change the rules rather than targeting on individual.

bangersmashandbeans Sat 06-Oct-12 08:55:13

Outraged at "she has plenty of time to decide what's suitable" and "maybe she just wants to do nothing for a while"...those attitudes are fine when her mother is supporting her but benefits are not there so 18 year olds can have a break after education. I say she needs to get her head down and start grafting and stop thinking the world owes her a living.

OneHandFlapping Sat 06-Oct-12 08:58:53

Of course this is CrapBag's business. This is her cousin, not some random acquaintance. Who wants to see a young woman, who should be at the most exciting point in her life, beginning to sink into a slough of dependency/boredom/depression?

Brycie Sat 06-Oct-12 08:59:31

Woffling; that's only if you believe in abdicating personal responsibility until someone tells you what to do or what not to do. I don't believe in that.

CecilyP Sat 06-Oct-12 09:17:27

It's not really any of your business and nothing you say is likely to make a difference. Yes, she does have it easy because her mum is supporting her, and the benefits she will now receive will really just be pocket money. She is not unusual; loads of young people have a break between college and finding a job - it certainly doesn't mean that she will never work for the rest of her lives. Now she is signing on and in the system, there will be a bit more pressure to actually look for a job.

dysfunctionalme Sat 06-Oct-12 09:19:00

From your description of your cousin, you could lecture her till you're blue in the face and it would make not one jot of difference.

So I think you are wasting your time, and infact being quite unpleasant.

Your cousin's attitude has a lot to do with the way she has been raised. You cannot change this. You can however try to be supportive of any efforts she does make. At the moment you sound like a bit of a nightmare.

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