ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
to expect to be treated the same as my sister would be???(25 Posts)
Basically I had a miscarriage last year, I rang my mum to inform her I told her that it was myself and my OH at the hospital so I didnt need her to turn up there. When I got home I left it and left it and lost my temper when 3 weeks later she still hadnt rung, texted or visited. When I called her on it she said I told her I didnt need her and that I had my partner. I told her this for while I was at the hospital, didnt make any comments about when I had got home. Well, I attended the cremation some time later and my mum came with me (which I must admit I dont think she deserved to even be there but I bit my tongue because it looked like she was being there for myself). About a month after the cremation I exploded and cried on my younger sisters shoulder and requested that she didnt say anything to my mum as I would raise it when I had thought about it some more. WELL..... she got in the car and went round and told my mum complete half truths. This was in March. I have since fallen out with my mum as apparently this is all MY fault, although I really dont understand how that works! What really is hurting at the min is I told my sister I was pregnant again knowing she would go straight to my mum to notify her. For 6 months she has said nothing (not even a congratulations, no kiss my backside no nothing), but my sister who is 8 weeks further on than me in her pregnancy has had hundreds of pounds spent on her, on her kids, and she has had an entire bedding set MADE BY HAND. The only time my mum has attempted to see my 3yr old (her only granddaughter) is when in July I informed my sister that any presents for my lo's birthday from my mum would have to be delivered herself. My sister then told my mum that her presents werent welcome. There have been no phone calls, no emails, no texts no nothing (bearing in mind my lo has seen my mum 1 time since march) and I told my mum she was always welcome to spend time with LO yet my mum has all this time to spend with my sister and her 2 that she currently has. I have informed my mum that because of her blatent favouritism (which has been this way all my life) that we were having nothing to do with her and she wasnt welcome anymore etc etc. I am constantly second best and have had enough. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Your mum seems very quick to take offence and I can see there is a lot of resentment inside you, bubbling away but what strikes me is that your sister appears to be doing sterling work, doesn't she is she trying to cause a rift between you and your mum? You tell her that you want your mum to deliver any presents and she twists that to her presents aren't welcome. She goes round to your mum and says whatever she says and suddenly your mum isn't talking to you.
What else has she twisted? How much of the rift could possibly have been caused by similar things?
I don't know, I may well be wrong, I am only going on one small post, after all but that's what occurs to me. Sister protecting Favourite Child status? Some jealousy there, maybe?
Stop using your sister as a go-between because she's clearly a shit-stirrer. If you have something to say to your mum, e.g. bring any presents round yourself, then tell her directly. Don't tell your sister to pass ANY messages on. She's clearly revelling in causing trouble and being the favourite.
Your sister is really stirring, don't let on you know she's stirring, but stop using her as a go between. Your mum does seem very much self absorbed, there is nothing you can do about that so stop expecting more of her and just act all bright and breezy, ring her if you want to speak to her.
You deserve better.
Are you sure your sister has told your mother you're pregnant? Maybe she hasn't mentioned it for whatever reason, and you have no way of knowing if she has or not unless you go and ask/call your mother and find out.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.
If you and your mother only communicate via your shit-stirring sister, then maybe its best to let the relationship go.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
YANBU at all, but I think there's a lot of anger directed at your mum which really should be directed at your shit-stirring hound of a sister. Can you write your mum a letter (if it's too difficult to speak to her) explaining what's been going on and what your sister has been up to? At least if you put all your cards on the table and tell your mum what you've said and how your sister has twisted it, you'll know you've done everything you can and if your mum still favours your sister,
she's obviously mental you're well shot of her. Good luck. x
Cut your sister out of the equation and just focus on your Mum. You either have to draw a line under what has happened and move on or continually let your self feel like 2nd best. The choice is yours. You obviously care alot about both of them but you have got to stop thinking your sister holds all the cards she only does if you let her.
I think you could salvage the relationship if you stop going through your sister.
Your sister is the golden child, you are the scape goat.
No matter what you do, say, think, feel it won't change. Don't bother with a letter, your words will be misconstrued. Don't rant about your sister, it will make no difference, your mum has chose her favoured child.
Your mum will carry on favouring your sister and your sister will do ANYTHING to keep the focus on herself.
1) Cut your sister out of your life
2) consider doing the same with your mum.
I had this, different circumstances, but same dynamic. Sister is GONE from my life and mother will be scaled back at appropriate time.
I'm so sorry, both for the loss of your child, but also for the loss of the family you thought you had.
Stately Homes thread in Relationships can talk you through what you are going through.
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Why are you going through your sister?
Are you sure your sister actually told your Mum you're pregnant? It seems ridiculous to be conducting your relationship with your Mum through your sister (forgive me if I've got that wrong, but that's how I understand it from your OP). I do sympathise with the favouritism thing, and your Mum sounds a lot like mine. She thinks that if I need her I will call her, and she won't contact me for fear of interfering. Whereas my MIL panics over the slightest thing and is always on the phone worrying about us. (TBH I prefer my Mum's attitude!)
I just think you both sound a bit childish and petty. If you want to be treated in the same way as your sister, and it really means so much to you, you need to try to cultivate more of a relationship with your Mum. You seem to expect that she should do all the running around, e.g. coming to see your daughter (why don't you call her up and make a definite arrangement yourself if it means so much to you? Maybe she isn't comfortable with turning up on the off-chance and would be happier if you made a more specific invitation?) or that she should call you, when you seem to go out of your way not to communicate with her directly but go through your sister instead. Not being funny, but if I had two children and one of them never seemed to want to communicate with me except to tell me that I'm not welcome, I would probably favour the other one as well.
Oh and congratulations
Start by stop passing messages through your sister to your mum. Of course things are going to be misinterpreted if they are passed on second hand. Are you sure that your mum knows about your pregnancy? Is your sister putting her own spin on things accidentally or intentionally? Make a point of not discussing mum related things with you sis - unless it's about nice pleasant mum subjects. Any of the nitty gritty discussion needs to be done with your mum alone.
Secondly for the sake of your own family, move on. Have no expectations of your mum. If you have low expectations, you can never be disappointed. Make some mental distance between you and your mum, be very polite but try and see the humor in her silly behavior. It has taken some years for me to do this but now as a result I feel very neutral about mu MIL and it really is like water off a ducks back. My friend and I always joke about our long standing MIL problems and it really takes the edge off the issues. If it helps you get over your feelings of rejection, maybe you could have some counselling to enable you to move forward?
I can understand that you felt let down after your M/C. It's just the time you need support and love but your mum wasn't there for you.
Well as of now they are completely cut out. TBH its been this way all of my life and Ive just about had it. And just to let you know Anonymomous I DID actually go to my Mums to let her see my daughter but she was out with my sister as usual. I rang her and obtained a promise from her that she would come by and see her granddaughter but so far nothing and its been 4 weeks. Its broken my heart because god love her my daughter was so looking forward to seeing my mum (dont know why!). She spent days asking when grandma was coming. Ah well. Its all done now!
Darling, I'm so sorry, but you've made the best decision, you'll hurt less if you don't let them hurt you.
Please pop by the Stately Homes thread?
You don't get stupid remarks like 'you should try harder with your mum' on there.
You're not alone love, many of us sadly understand your situation only too well.
Your Sister will do anything and say anything to your Mom to ensure she keeps the top spot. Your Mom and Sister are probably very alike. You cannot win. You have done the right thing. It will take a feww years to adjust. Try therapy. We are here.
Aw thanks. Its really nice to know there are people that understand. I dont feel quite so alone now... It particularly sucks when all I hear off the MIL is 'make it up with your Mum, I'm sure you're misunderstanding it'. Pmsl, but THATS a whole other subject! Thanks everyone for listening, I didnt quite realise that was all I needed to feel confident in my decision so... CHEERS!!
Your relationship sounds exactly the same as mine was with my mum and sister. I had a miscarriage in 2010, it wasn't a planned pregnancy and I was a bit shocked when I found out. When I miscarried my delightful sister told me I'd brought it on myself because of my attitude. ( I was very surprised but not upset by my pregnancy.)
My mother still sided with my sister over me and made excuses for her being so bloody horrible.
Our relationship struggled on for another year but I ended up having a huge bust up with my mum and haven't spoken to her for 13 months and do you know what??? It's been the best bloody 13 months.
I still have a minimal relationship with my sister purely for the sake of our dc (so they can have a relationship with their cousins.)
Ultimately I blame my mother, she always favoured my sister and made it obvious. It's her doing that has driven this wedge between us.
From now on I concentrate solely on my family (dh and dc) and that's it!
My mil is constantly asking me if we've made up but I think she's slowly getting the message!
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