To think this is a heartless bastardish thing to do?

(180 Posts)
sillymoomoo Fri 28-Sep-12 22:18:11

My 'dp' of 3.5 years, doesn't live with us 'yet' have a ds (not together) but supposed to be a family. Ds is poorly and has woken up crying with a temperature and asked where dp is as he's normally here most nights, he's not here tonight so I said shall we ring him.

He won't answer his phone because he said his mates round having a fucking beer. He text me this so I told him ds was sick and wanted to say hello his response 'well he can't'.

I'm absolutely fuming, he's done things like this before but we've been ok for almost a year now and I thought we were past him being a childish little idiot. These guys are in their 30's not kids, his friend has his own son so why the hell wouldn't he speak to ds.

KenLeeeeeee Sat 29-Sep-12 08:42:54

He sounds utterly awful - wants to play happy families when it suits but then go back to bachelorhood when he gets bored. Threatening you about seeing him tomorrow is emotional blackmail and absolutely not on.

Leave the bastard. You and your son deserve someone wholly and entirely committed to every aspect of family life.

MamaMumrOrangeTheGolden Sat 29-Sep-12 09:00:39

He does sound like he doesn't respect you or you life together as a family. Also the veiled threat about not seeing you today is just horrible. Your DS doesn't need this guy as his role model and you don't need the grief.
I hope your DS is feeling better.

MissPants Sat 29-Sep-12 09:07:16

I'm fairly certain he was being racist, my vile father used to say "do I look fucking black to you" in the context of I'm not your slave. Wanker.

Funnily enough he was also the type that would never have prioritised his family over having a drink with his mates.

OP this one isn't a keeper in my book, I had a miserable time growing up with a father who thought his right to have fun trumped my right to a daddy. My DH would drop anything to talk to one of our DC if they we're ill and 3 of them are not his biological children. He once walked home from a very rare night out when DD3 was poorly, didn't even tell his mates he was leaving! Just upped and left and strode home to his baby. For this I disregarded the fact that he came in, made a big fuss of her and got all soppy and then sat drinking water from a Pyrex dish in his pants before passing out on the floor...

Badgersnatch Sat 29-Sep-12 09:18:46

He wants to have his cake and eat it OP. He doesn't sound committed or like he wants to be a parent. I think you'd be better off without him.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sat 29-Sep-12 09:23:54

Sorry, OP, but he sounds horrible. You and your son can do better than this.

harvestvestibule Sat 29-Sep-12 09:28:28

If he had been with his mates there was no reason for him not to take yous/DSs call, if he was with another woman...............

Sorry I meant he said 'I'm ruining my chances of seeing him tomorrow', basically he knows I'll want to see him tomorrow so using that against me meaning keep moaning and you won't see me.

Who the actual fuck does he think he is??

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 09:32:29

Just to clarify a few things.

When he said 'I'm not black', he was referring to me. I said he was being disrespectful to ds and I by not answering and he was insinuating I was 'talking as though I were black', he hasn't ever said anything like that before.

I wasn't 'pestering' him, he left my house yesterday morning and I hadn't spoke to him all day, the only reason he wasn't here was because he needed to be over his end for work, I could have gone over there but chose not to, I wouldn't have even spoke to him last night except ds being poorly and I though he would have liked to speak to ds too. I don't use my child 'illness' as an excuse for anything. Dp is round so much that when he's not it doesn't even occur to me to text him most of the time he usually just texts good night and that's it really. All I did was call him once, no answer and he text saying 'what do you want x is round having a beer', I called again thinking perhaps his phone was on silent the first time, no answer so I text 'ds woke up crying with a temperature he wondered where you are so I said he could say hi', his response was to say 'well he can't'. I basically said something along the lines of 'what the fuck's up with you', he said 'I'll ring you in an hour, if I must', to which I said 'how dare he be so disrespectful to us', he text that 'disrespect you, you're not black, and if I keep on I'm ruining my chance of seeing him tomorrow'. I told him where to go came on here and went to bed.

differentname what an utterly horrible thing to say, basically because we don't live together and ds isn't 'his' nothing matters? It doesn't quite work like that, he knew me for a long time before we started going out, he knew I had a son and the situation. He chose to get involved in that and get involved in ds life by introducing ds to his family, he's even suggested ds call him dad which ds does at times. No we don't live together but he spends more of his time at my house than his own miserable empty house where he can't even be bothered to hoover or wash up because he say it doesn't feel like 'home', mine does, he says it's too expensive to keep and he wants to rent it out and move in with us. We go on all our holidays together, go shopping together, eat together, it's not as though he's supposed to be just a casual fling. He comes to ds school parents evening, he baths him, puts him to bed so how dare you suggest because he didn't make ds he has no commitment, because morally he does.

Funny because when we talk to women who get into relationships with men with children we don't have the same attitude.

I know exactly what's wrong with him, same as always has been he wants the best of both worlds, he wants the family life when it suits when he wants us all to go on holiday or on a day out, or someone to eat his Sunday roast with, but he wants to be able to just say fuck off when he wants to, which isn't very often but it's not on. This is also a pattern that every time it's his 'working weekend' he turns into a complete nasty peice of work, a couple of months ago he called me a prick over something similiar then was full of apologies the next day. He also acts like an idiot when he's around this mate. They act like kids I'll give an example. His friend text him something like 'you're my hero, fast car, bike, tidy bird, own house', they're always texting eachother calling eachother hero and stuff.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 09:34:06

And thanks ds is bit better today they're always worse at night, just didn't get much sleep.

Proudnscary Sat 29-Sep-12 09:35:40

Right sooo...what the hell are you doing with him then?

You are actually arguing against posters who have defended him, saying he is a total shit!

I still don't get the black comment. I'm not sure I want to.

He and his mates sound like cunts.

DontmindifIdo Sat 29-Sep-12 09:38:04

He really doesn't sound like much of a catch.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 09:46:45

Ye I know proud right now I am thinking like that, my phones off and I don't want to know, it's when the apologies, excuses and promises come I find it more difficult to stand my ground. It's easy to say but for us it would be like ds dad going and saying you're never seeing him again, as to ds that's what he is in the only way he's ever known.

I am very defensive over my pfb and won't have the because he's not a bio parent he doesn't matter and ds will have to be told no, just in terms of saying hi on the phone. If I thought I was having a casual relatonship they wouldn't be bloody well involved in ds life as children can't differentiate, it's not as though we've been together 3 months and I'm making demands.

droves Sat 29-Sep-12 09:51:39

Op , you need to dump this looser and find yourself a man who will adore you and ds . You deserve someone who knows how to treat his "dp and child (bio or not makes no difference ) with respect and love .

Proudnscary Sat 29-Sep-12 09:53:17

Look try to take a step back and imagine you were reading your posts as if they were from someone else. Or a close friend told you everything you had told us. What would you think? What would you say?

If it's your son you are concerned about then he will be better off without him in the long run. He's selfish, offensive, entitled and unpleasant. What kind of male role model is that, love?

G1nger Sat 29-Sep-12 09:57:52

"Surely it shouldn't be this hard."

It shouldn't. And it doesn't have to be. But you've woken up and are ready to face another day of trying to make him into the man you want him to be. Which he'll never be.

You know your son can still have a relationship with him when (not if, when) yours is over, right?

You're wasting your best years on this person.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere Sat 29-Sep-12 10:04:52

I am laughing at the I'm not black comment a bit.
If my ds tries to go all street I use a similar comment but modified because he is mixed race. However he is not a yardie or a participant on the jerry Springfield show hmm

I don't know the whole story op but just from a slightly different perspective....
I rarely go out and if I was on a rare night out with friends and my very capable DH phoned me to tell me one of the DCs was missing me and poorly I would be pretty upset with him.

Because the DC would be asleep and oblivious in no time whilst I would spend the rest of the night feeling guilty and would probably have to leave.

RecklessRat Sat 29-Sep-12 10:09:12

Sorry OP, but he sounds like a tool.

And so do his mates. "you're my hero, fast car, bike, tidy bird, own house"???!

Gaaaaagh.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 10:12:09

Feels like I've already wasted the best years of my life on men who didn't really give a damn, don't think I would even have the energy to start again, sure I must have mug written across my face. Can't understand where I'm going wrong really I think I'm attractive ish, I think I'm kind and thoughtful, I do nice things for us and think of nice things for us to do. I have a nice home, ds is fab, day to day dp and I get on well, it's not as though he's got a queue of women lining up, I can't understand why he treats me/us like this.

And I think what really hurts is why they treat ds like this, even if I was the most hideous person ever, ds is an innocent but yet his bio father didn't bother to stay in touch and dp just doesn't seem to care even though he pretends he does.

G1nger Sat 29-Sep-12 10:12:41

"Because the DC would be asleep and oblivious in no time whilst I would spend the rest of the night feeling guilty and would probably have to leave."

Any proper, caring patent would have this reaction. Not this man, though, it seems.

G1nger Sat 29-Sep-12 10:15:51

Sillymoomoo - some people are just unlucky. It also sounds like you've given this man too many chances when others would have moved on.

You need to find some confidence. I'm sure you have friends who are just waiting to be able to help you move on from this man. I'm sure you must have these. Talk to them - tell them you want to leave him.

RecklessRat Sat 29-Sep-12 10:19:29

Maybe you're being a bit too nice OP? Sadly, this can leave you open to being taken for granted/advantage of.

Of course you're hurt on behalf of DS. Give P both barrels for being a thoughtless shit next time you see him and see if he improves at all. He can't just check in and out of parenthood - and you mustn't let him if he really is going to be part of your lives.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 10:22:57

orange bear in mind I didn't even know he had his friend round. If I had I probably wouldn't have even bothered to ring. As far as I knew he was home alone, ds asked where he was so I said 'he's not here tonight shall we ring him', hardly makes me a bunny boiler. And I'm sure dp wouldn't have felt that guilty that he'd have kicked his mate out and rushed over, just a simple hello mate you're poorly are you, hope you feel better would have been quite sufficient. It wasn't about ringing him because I'm not capable, I thought I was just ringing my oh to say hi, ds is under the weather and we'll see you tomorrow. Wasn't expecting to be pretty much told to fuck off.

reckless yes I know makes you cringe doesn't it, I told you that to give an impression what kids they are when they get together.

The reason I'm so upset also is that he used to do things like this all the time going back, he hasn't, as I say for probably a year and I thought he'd changed. But for example he insisted I came and met his parents after a few months even though I was unsure he threatened to finish if I didn't. When I got round there (he lived with them at the time) he went bright red and practically pushed me upstairs as soon as I'd said hello. Then when his gran and grandad would come over for family meals he'd say he couldn't see me that night, I'd hint well aren't I invited to be told. I'd only be in the way, I'd be bored, his grandad is an embarrassment because he dribbles. These days if they come over he makes a big fuss and makes me come to the family meals even if I'm not in the mood.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 10:26:22

ginger to be completely honest I daren't speak to rl friends and family about things like this because I've found it just comes back to bite me on the arse when I stay with him. Bascially it's well don't moan anymore if you're not going to get rid which is fair enough. So I prefer to vent anonymously atm.

G1nger Sat 29-Sep-12 10:28:39

You focus too much on the things he does that reassure you. You should be focussing more on the things that cause you to doubt his commitment (and suitability) to this relationship.

I'm going to stop whittling on now. I've said all I feel I should. Good luck, OP.

G1nger Sat 29-Sep-12 10:30:57

They're still waiting, Sillymoo.

(Just like I'm waiting for my sister).

Go to them when you're ready.

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