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AIBU?

Is STBXH BU in regards to upcoming mutual friend's wedding?

33 replies

ThisIsMyClone · 11/09/2012 09:55

STBXH & I have been separated for about 6 months. We have been sent an invitation to a mutual friend's wedding and he has asked me not to go as it will be 'awkward'

We have an amicable split and still get along as friends. But he doesn't want me there as we will most likely be drinking (for a couple of months after the split we still shagged a bit if we got drunk). He doesn't want there to be any issues that could arise if he (and I) got drunk and said something.

He has a new girlfriend but assures me that even if we did have separate invites he wouldn't be bringing her. And that if I wasn't to go he still wouldn't

I think that there would be no awkwardness. I am simply there to celebrate the marriage between two friends. I told him that he was the one making it 'awkward' and it doesn't have to be. I'll be with the girls all night and he can be hanging with the boys, so to speak. We don't need to even be talking to each other.

He ended the conversation with, 'Well if you do end up going, do not talk to me at all the whole day'. Well duh, that is what I had just said!

This will be my first ever wedding as due to distances I haven't been able to make previous friends' weddings, even my own sister's.

WIBU to say 'sod him, I'm going and he can just lump it?'

OP posts:

Report

ErikNorseman · 11/09/2012 09:58

Yanbu! Of course you should go. How rude of him!

newmum001 · 11/09/2012 09:58

I think if he is going to find it awkward you should suggest that he should be the one to stay away.

CremeEggThief · 11/09/2012 09:59

I say go for it! Show him you're having fun without him.

cocolepew · 11/09/2012 09:59

YANBU, go and have a good time.

LydiasMiletus · 11/09/2012 09:59

Its not upto him if you go or not

But I have a few questions.
You say 'mutual' friends? How do you know them? Are they his friends that you have made friends with due to being with him? I am wondering why there is no suggestion he doesn't go.
Also why has a 'friend' sent a joint invite to a couple who have split?

ThisIsMyClone · 11/09/2012 10:04

I did tell him he was being out of order!

Lydias Yes they were his friends first. I have known them for around 8 years though. But the bride has already told him previously that he has to be there.

I'm guessing the joint invite was a cost issue. I don't know. Apparently EX was told that we would be getting separate invites. But that then throws in the whole +guest thing and I think that would have been even more awkward.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 11/09/2012 10:05

Unless the separate invite stated a "and guest" you still wouldnt expect to take one. It is odd that they have sent you a joint invite though.. who did they send it to?

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 11/09/2012 10:10

The bride and groom ABU. Bonkers to send a joint invite.

ThisIsMyClone · 11/09/2012 10:13

Sent it to me as at the time EX was 'inbetween places'.

OP posts:

Paiviaso · 11/09/2012 10:15

I don't understand why you have a joint invite. This suggests the bride and groom think you are still a unit in some way.

If you are honestly good friends with the bride and groom, then of course you should go, and simply stay away from your ex.

If the bride and groom are really his friends and you don't see them now that you aren't with him, and you are only invited because they think you and the ex are a unit (as the joint invite suggests) then you shouldn't go.

Kayano · 11/09/2012 10:16

I'd tell him he can solve all his problems by not having a drink that one day

And I would go

And I would look smoking hot and stare down the gf

But I'm a bitch lol

LydiasMiletus · 11/09/2012 10:17

Reading between the lines there has been a blurring of the split. I assume the friends feel that way too. You don't send a joint invitation to a couple who have split.
I suspect they have no idea if you are still a couple or not. The lines have been blurred by sleeping together as well.
I am on the fence.
They are his friends and he has been told he is really should attend. He may not want to blur the lines anymore. The joint invitation probably freaked him out a bit and he wants to make clear you are not a couple.
If I were you I wouldn't go. But that me. He can't make you not go. But I get why he doesn't want you to.
I imagine his new gf wouldn't be happy to find out you had a joint invitation.

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 11/09/2012 10:22

Ah. They maybe wrote the list before you split up or even don't know?

ThisIsMyClone · 11/09/2012 10:22

The invitation was sent before he had even met his new GF.

He does seem freaked out about the joint invite, you are right. He was all like 'But what do we tell people if they ask' To which I replied 'They ALL know our situation! they are our friends!"

Why does something always come in the way of me attending a wedding, FFS?

OP posts:

Novia · 11/09/2012 10:25

If it's a joint invitation it would also make sense that you would be seated together. Might make it difficult to ignore each other then...!

akaemmafrost · 11/09/2012 10:30

He is being ridiculous. Of course you should go.

BegoniaBampot · 11/09/2012 10:35

Do you still see the bride and groom as friends and will you be socialising with them in the future or do you think the connection will fade out?

Teeb · 11/09/2012 10:41

Oh that's a good point about the seating plan. You say all your friends know the situation, but then they still sent you a joint invitation as a couple to attend the event, so I'm not sure how much they really understand.

You say the couple are your husbands friends, and the bride has insisted that he attend. Do you think of the bride and groom as particularly good close friends to you?

marshmallowpies · 11/09/2012 10:43

I was in a similar situation with one of my best friends weddings - as a couple, ex BF and I had been friends with her and her fiancé so they couldn't have invited him and not me, although on balance the group of friends was more 'his' than 'mine'.

It was the first time I'd seen a lot of those people since my ex and I had split and it was important to put a marker in the sand to say 'I'm still here!' - as well as being there to support my friend, of course!

Three bits of advice if you do go:

make sure you get sat on a different table to him
do you know anyone else going who's newly single? When I arrived at my friends wedding I bumped into a girl I knew slightly, turned out she had just split up from her long-term bf too, so I had a good person to confide in & buddy up with on the day.
if you find yourself feeling drunk/maudlin, it might be wise to make a discreet exit - I wish I had, I ended up breaking a wine glass and being a bit tired & emotional at the end of the night. If I'd just buggered off an hour earlier I might have gone home and cried but at least I wouldn't have made a fool of myself in front of everyone! Was still a great wedding though.

ThisIsMyClone · 11/09/2012 11:01

Thanks marshmallowpies

It was the first time I'd seen a lot of those people since my ex and I had split and it was important to put a marker in the sand to say 'I'm still here!' - as well as being there to support my friend, of course!

This is it. I am friends with the whole family of the bride. And I will be still catching up with them for years to come.

I texted the bride's sister and she said 'What? Of course you should still come, [bride] invited you' I replied with the whole 'Ex thinks it will be too awkward' And she texted back '[Bride] knows you are not a couple. It's all good. She invited both of you'

I also texted STBXH saying that maybe he should ask for a separate invite. He just replied with ' Don't need an invite. [Bride] knows I'll be there' Then I said ' Then what is the issue? 2 months ago you were okay with the idea of separate invites. And as you see this as not necessarily a joint invite, why has it now become a problem that I go?'

No answer....

OP posts:

Paiviaso · 11/09/2012 11:08

Why are you sending those texts to your ex? You have confirmed with the bride you are invited, he confirmed with the bride he was invited, situation solved.

Then what is the issue? 2 months ago you were okay with the idea of separate invites. And as you see this as not necessarily a joint invite, why has it now become a problem that I go?'

^ That is pure shit stirring. He has RSVPd, he doesn't need another invite. Leave him alone and move on.

SoHHKB · 11/09/2012 11:09

I was in a similar position regarding a mutual friend's 40th birthday party. X had said he was waiting to see if I was attending before he confirmed. Mutual friend told him not to be so stupid, especially since we share care of our dd so see each other pretty much every day and are mostly civil...
Turned out, we both went with our new partners; he didn't so much as make eye-contact with me and ignored my dp (who he's met several times privately and spoken to) when they happened to meet at the bar. All he does when he behaves like that is remind me why I left him....
Good luck and do your best to stay (relatively) sober, dignified and the better person

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ThisIsMyClone · 11/09/2012 11:11

Point taken Paiviaso

OP posts:

ZiaMaria · 11/09/2012 11:16

Your ex is being silly. Just go, ignore him, and have fun. If there is a situation in which you have to speak to each other, keep it as bland and polite as possible. I doubt it will be anything more than "excuse me" if he is blocking a doorway :)

flyoverthegoldenhill · 11/09/2012 11:30

Kayno is right, go and look stunning, show the bastard what he's lost !

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