to think there's no point in being a SAHM if you're just going to do housework all day?

[CailinDana]

A friend of mine gave up a very responsible job to stay at home with her two young children on the understanding that it was the best option for them. She has great energy and get up and go but seems to see her role as housekeeper rather than childcare provider and spends hours upon hours every day cooking, cleaning, cleaning again and then cleaning some more. She goes to two groups in the week and that's it. Other than that the children (3 and 15 months) occupy themselves in the garden or watch tv.

Lately the 3 year old has started playing up. The friend asked me to take her to a group I go to regularly with my DS as her behaviour is "stopping [friend] getting housework done." That seems to be my friend's main concern, all the time. I have hinted that perhaps the 3 year old is bored and wants some attention. But no, in my friend's mind a SAHM must have a perfect house at all times, bake daily, make magnificent meals from scratch and look immaculate. I sometimes feel like saying "why don't you just go back to work?" I feel like the constant cleaning is a waste of her time and energy and that the children would have a better time at nursery/a CM and everyone would be happier. But friend is convinced that staying at home is for the best.

AIBU to think that yes, a SAHM should do some housework to keep the house from descending into a tip, but if you're going to spend your entire day on housework there's not much point in being home with the children?

[MrsKLemon]

But I've never seen the ocean

[WhatYouLookingAt]

I'm confused as to how this affects you or is any of your business.

[MamaMary]

Agree there's no point in spending the entire day doing housework because I'm a lazy so-andso but tbh rather than coming on here to criticize your friend, have you spoken to her if you're genuinely concerned about her mental well-being? Or if it's it more an idle criticism, then it's probably none of your business.

[exoticfruits]

I would say that going back to work, sending to childcare and getting a cleaner would be a better option- but I don't like housework.

[AgentZigzag]

Children get bored whatever they're doing, and what she chooses to do with her day is her own business.

It's possible she might feel at a loss of what to do and like the structure/control getting on top of the housework can give you, and might calm down when she's done it a while.

I think unless she's actually neglecting the children to the point of abuse, it's up to her how she looks after them.

Children do have the habit of getting in the way though pesky little blighters.

[TheCountessOlenska]

I only go to two toddler groups a week!

What more do you think she should be doing?

I don't do much cooking or housework either to be honest!!

[TimothyClaypoleLover]

2 groups a week is more than what I do! I must be a failure and may as well go back to work! Its entirely up to your friend how she spends her time. Agree with you though OP that no point being a SAHM and spending all day every day doing housework. But each to their own. And in my experience toddlers get bored no matter how much activity/attention you give them.

[CailinDana]

It affects me because she's hoping I'll take her 3 year old to a group every week. I did suggest she just brings the two children herself but she said "but then I won't get the ironing done!" I don't really want to bring her, she's a real handful and it frustrates me my friend just won't bring her herself.

[SPsFanjoSponsoredByOrange]

I don't even go to toddler groups so she is doing more then me!

[WhatYouLookingAt]

then say no. The rest of it is nothing to do with you.

[CailinDana]

I don't claim to be a fab SAHM but I take my DS out twice a day as staying at home just ends up with both of us bored and getting on each other's nerves. I think if my friend started engaging with her DCs more she would have fewer behaviour problems with them. The 3 year old is a lovely bright girl but staying at home all day every day with very little interaction is driving her potty I think.

[TheCountessOlenska]

Won't 3 year old be starting nursery?

[juneau]

Have you tried gently saying to her what you've said on here? It sounds like she's avoiding spending time with her DC and all this frenetic housework is an excuse. Is she unhappy? I wouldn't take her DD to the group if you don't want to or feel you can't handle her as well as your own DC. Invite your friend to come along and tell her the ironing can wait - or encourage her to put her DD in nursery for a couple of mornings a week if she feels she needs a break.

[CailinDana]

She's due to start in January I think although I'm sure she could actually go before then. My friend has it in her head that being at home is best for the children, yet at the same time she doesn't really want to engage with them at all. I don't really follow her thinking if I'm honest.

[CailinDana]

I don't think she's happy, no juneau. I think she became a SAHM out of a sense of duty rather than out of a desire to actually do it, and I think she tries to appear perfect in order to "prove" she's doing a good job. It's hard to talk to her about it as she gets quite defensive.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

YABU... Some people define 'SAHM' as playing with the children and doing nothing else whatsoever. Others like your friend define it as housekeeper. Yet more approach it on a sliding scale somewhere between the two. If she had a very responsible job in the past (and assuming that wasn't a job in the field of children's entertainment) she'll miss the structure and feeling of accomplishment. Far easier to project-manage cleaning, baking and personal grooming to a satisfactory outcome than messy things like 3 year-olds. :)

[Laquitar]

I believe that you don't know what others do all day unless you live there or you have a secret camera in their house.
2 under 3 is hard work and children go through difficult phases.

I really hate it when 'friends' spot 'behaviour problems' on other's dcs. Really nasty and low imo. Sorry.

[CailinDana]

I know what you mean Laquitar, only that my friend is very open to me about her DD's behaviour and her playing up is really obvious. Any time I go to her house (not often these days) I'm subjected a run down of all the housework she does, and it's plainly obvious from her house that it's cleaned very often. Even when I visit she doesn't sit down and have tea, she's flitting around tidying and telling the children to stay out of the way. Her DD has often asked to sit on my lap and will lean her head on me, and I just get the strong feeling that the DD is lonely and craving some attention.

[ShatnersBassoon]

YABU. She can do whatever she pleases, she's her own boss.

[AgentZigzag]

She just sounds bored and trying to sort a routine, maybe she does feel she has something to prove if she's being judged for doing too much housework!

What if she did fuck all housework and just watched the telly all day to try and ignore her DC?

Or was on the computer MNing all day trying to ignore them?

Or was out doing the gardening...trying to ignore them?

Like the rest of us

[Thumbwitch]

Hmm. It's hard to say really -just speculating:-
? she may be trying to justify her SAHM status to her DH, who may have been reluctant for her to stop work
? she may be doing it because she's discovered that small children bore the pants off her but she can't stop now and go back to work because she sees it as her duty to stay with the DC; or perhaps her DH prefers her to be at home with them.
? she may have PND

However, YAB a bit U because you don't know what the issues are; but YANBU as well because I agree (up to a point), if you're going to spend all day at home with your DC then the least you can do is interact with them.

[dazzledsazzle]

My own mother viewed her role as purely housekeeping. Children were to be fed and watered then ignored or criticised for not conforming to her ideas of perfection in every aspect of life. Its had massive repercussions for me, i mistrust everyone, feel i should be perfect, struggle socially etc. Does you friend realise children have emotional & social needs or is it more that she is bored w. small children, not got too many ideas re. fun stuff for toddlers and finds housework more rewarding ? I'd see the acting up as bit of flag too tbh. The cleaning again & again sounds obsessive too ... Maybe establish which it is first and if she is still gong w the at home option i would have some play dates where you show her by example some fun stuff she can do ie. go feed the ducks, painting, cooking, hide and seek, nature walks etc etc. Toddlers can be hard work but they can be fun as well!

[theoriginalandbestrookie]

Why don't you take her 3 year old to the playgroup and give her your ironing ?

In the grim old days when I were young, there wasn't much entertainment going on so we made our own, even at the child minders I was expected to help with sheet folding and I can't remember any arts or crafts or playgroups being attended, don't think it has scarred me overly but who can tell.

It does seem a shame that she spends so much time cleaning but there you go. At least her DCs are able to be in their own home rather than being bundled up early in the morning and sent to a CMs or nursery ( am a WOHM so I can say that). If she doesn't want to engage with you and discuss it then case closed.

[AgentZigzag]

Getting a cuddle from a 3 YO and them playing their parents up aren't really things to worry about, she sounds lively and affectionate.

[cantspel]

wow just a tad judgemental.

Why is it always women who judge each other in this way?

Seems to men men are more supportive and non judgemental of their friends and dont seem to feel the need to pass comment on how they choose to spend their time.