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Mil angst

(153 Posts)
TooMuchRuddyChocolate Tue 04-Sep-12 19:00:24

I am fully prepared to admit that iabu if that's what the majority think. Have name changed for this as super sensitive.

My mil drives me bonkers. We got on fine until dh and I got married. We still "get on fine" - she has NO idea that she annoys me. But since I became her daughter in law there are few boundaries and she sees me as being part of her immediate family. Which I can see is lovely, but I am way more reserved than her and we've only ever met about a dozen times do it feels weird.

Three examples of things that irritate me to distraction.

1. She says "I'll come and stay in [month]. Let me know which weekend is best." Not "I'd love to see you, can I come and visit" Just this assumption that she can come whenever she likes for as long as she likes. It's so rude! None of my family would do this.

2. I have a baby. Last time she saw him she spent the entire visit trying to get her to sit on her lap. It was ALL about my mil's feelings. If she'd been patient, dd would happily have gone to her. But she kept pushing it when dd was hungry and that wasn't going to work (she's bf!).

3. She will buy dd a chocolate advent calendar. This annoys me because a) SHE'S A BABY b) I want to buy my daughter her first advent calendar c) she has completely different tastes/ideas to me - the advent calendar doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but it's indicative of a wider problem. (think cutesy teddy outfits made of polyester etc. I know I'm ungrateful, but eurgh)

Ok. Hit me. Out and out unreasonable or does anyone sympathise?

TooMuchRuddyChocolate Tue 04-Sep-12 19:01:40

Argh - my baby is a girl. Sorry, think I said "him" at some stage! Only 1 baby...

NarkedRaspberry Tue 04-Sep-12 19:04:59

Unreasonable but understandable grin

Advent calendars for babies are great. For Mums grin

If your DD needs feeding ask directly for your MIL to hand her back. If she refuses then YANBU.

LexieSinclair Tue 04-Sep-12 19:05:03

In the nicest possible way, I think YABU. All she is really doing is is showing love to her grandchild and family.
There are some awful MIL stories on here, read some of them and it should make you feel better. smile

LackingNameChangeInspiration Tue 04-Sep-12 19:05:45

a bit bonkers... especially with 3. I mean you could say that about ANY gift "I wanted to buy DD her first dolly, I wanted to buy DD her first lego, I wanted to buy DD her first book" etc.. it is quite UR

and people who are a while removed from the infant stage really do forget when they do what (for example when they can eat chocolate!), my DS is only 3 and I've forgotten most of the baby info already!

For your DDs sake be glad that she is interested and wants to see her

addictedtotoast Tue 04-Sep-12 19:06:08

Yanbu
But your mil will not know your boundaries unless you meke them clear. Assertive assertive assertive .....

flyoverthegoldenhill Tue 04-Sep-12 19:07:03

she is rude !
keep the advent calendar for yourself and buy dd the one you want her to have
whats dh saying ?

LackingNameChangeInspiration Tue 04-Sep-12 19:07:18

plus things like easter eggs and choc advent calenders were things that I typically associate with getting from grandparents and god parents etc, its not something that IMO most people would see as a special parent-child event!

she's just keen, its nice

NarkedRaspberry Tue 04-Sep-12 19:09:33

'She has completely different tastes/ideas to me'

It's annoying, but as long as she's not eg buying massive toys that take over your house or usurping some of the big 'parent' purchases eg first bike then you can probably muddle through. If she comes to stay it means she's not living in the next street, so eg baby into polyester teddy outfit, snap a few pictures, sent them to MIL, outfit goes into the back of the cupboard.

NarkedRaspberry Tue 04-Sep-12 19:11:05

send

PooPooOnMars Tue 04-Sep-12 19:11:35

The visiting thing is annoying yes. In a way its good that she feels comfortable enough and close enough to you but i wouldn't like it either.

The lap sitting thing is irritating but sounds like that's just what she's like and nothing do with her relationship with you as such.

The advent calendar sounds like an overreaction. You say she has different tastes to you so what was wrong with the one she bought? You also say you want to buy your child's first advent calendar which i understand but that means she could never buy your child anything until you had bought one of them first.

First shoes matter. First school uniform. First haircut. First birthday cake maybe. First advent calendar? Not so much.

LucieMay Tue 04-Sep-12 19:15:18

reading threads like these makes me dread ds having kids when he's grown up!

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Tue 04-Sep-12 19:17:23

Get a grip. What I would give to have a MIL or DM fuss over DS like that!

YABGrosslyU.

MrsKeithRichards Tue 04-Sep-12 19:18:40

Same here Lucie!!

missymoomoomee Tue 04-Sep-12 19:18:41

She is asking when it suits you for her to visit within a certain timeframe, she is trying to cuddle her grand-daughter and she is also buying her treats. Sounds like YABU to me.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii Tue 04-Sep-12 19:18:41

I don't think she's being rude!

She's trying to be friendly and build a relationship with her grandaughter - maybe she's not doing it exactly the way you'd like, but none of what she's doing is harmful or mean.

YABU.

pictish Tue 04-Sep-12 19:18:43

Agree with the others - she's a keen granny that's all - she wants to be part of your family, and so she should be!

Coming to stay - well, yes - she's a little presumptious, but I think she's just being familiar tbh. Like many people do with family. So long as she's not propsing a fortnight at a time or a visit every month, I think it's ok.

2. yes she wants the baby to sit on her lap because she loves her and wants to cuddle her and be loved back. Wait till you have a grandchild and then we'll see.

3. Advent calander - who cares? It's an advent calander!

OP - I know she's your baby and everything, but you are not the only person who loves her. Chill out.

LucieMay reading threads likebthis makes me glad I disn't have a boy. I'd clearly never get it right sad

NarkedRaspberry Tue 04-Sep-12 19:20:18

I was waiting for those ^. You have the MIL thread double - 'This makes me terrified of when my DS has children' and 'I wish I had a MIL.'

catsrus Tue 04-Sep-12 19:20:38

"it takes a village...." and other such cliches - but it is true. I think you'll find life a lot easier if you just step back, breathe deeply and let her have the relationship she wants with your dd.

My dcs adore my exMIL, and so do I now wink. It took us a few years to find our equilibrium but she is a good friend and stayed a good friend after her ds left for the OW. You MIL clearly adores her gd as my dcs are adored by their gm - this is a very different relationship to a parent, a lot of the time we get to do the hard stuff and the gps get to do the lovely stuff - but if you get this right then your dd will want you to have that same, lovely, relationship with her dcs that she remembers having with her gm.

Think of it as earning brownie points to be redeemed in your old age grin

Gaah! Stupid typos!

MrsKeithRichards Tue 04-Sep-12 19:22:39

Remember she is your husbands mother.

iknowwho Tue 04-Sep-12 19:26:37

YABU!
She sounds like a nice MIL and mum and nan tbh.

ENormaSnob Tue 04-Sep-12 19:27:49

Yabu

Booboostoo Tue 04-Sep-12 19:28:18

YABU just for the calendar. Take a deep breath and eat the chocolates!

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