AIBU to think it shouldn't be this complicated?

[SESthebrave]

Sorry this is long, but I think that's part of my frustration!

My DB and DSil moved about 330 miles away to Cumbria, about 7 years ago. They still have a flat in our home town and generally we (me, DH and 3yo DS) go and stay with them about once a year and we see them here about 2 or 3 times a year. The area they live in is beautiful and we have learnt to book our visits in advance as they have lots of people wanting to go and stay with them - friends and DSil's family.

About 3 weeks ago, I suggested to DB that this Christmas would be a good one for us to go and spend with them. We have 9wk old DD and so I'm on ML from my job in retail. (Normally I'm working a full day on Christmas Eve and am back at work on 26th or 27th Dec.) I know this was early planning but DB said we'd got in just in time as he was expecting his MIL to ask when they could go and stay over Christmas!

So far, so good! Then DB asked who else would be coming. My parents live very close by to us and rarely get to Cumbria as neither of my parents can drive long distances and don't like getting the train. There is also my younger brother and his wife. Neither of my brothers have DC but my younger brother's MIL lives close by them having moved there recently, not knowing many other people and not having any other relatives. My younger brother and his wife do not drive and neither does his MIL.

My response to DH was that we'd love it if the 4 of us could go but if he wanted to invite anyone else, we'd be happy to take two cars to give lifts to whoever could go or we could fit in our cars.

DB phoned my parents and invited them and we've agreed to give them a lift and DB said to me and my mum that it would be great if younger brother and his wife could go and younger brother's MIL too. A couple of days later, DB expressed concern about how many people he could host. They do have a large 4 bedroom house but one room is taken by a lodger. The lodger won't be there at Christmas but DB doesn't want to have to use his room. DB and SIL also own 2 other properties in the town which they rent out as holiday lets. DB said he is reluctant to forgoe the rent on one of these properties at Christmas as it would mean them missing out on about £450. The other option he came up with was one of our cousins has a holiday cottage down the road so somehow, DB persauded me to ask our cousin if we could use their cottage. Unfortunately not as they may be using it themselves. Fair enough!

This all transpired about a week ago and last night DB phoned me. It seems he's feeling guilty for not saying younger brother could stay in one of his other properties. I don't really know what to say as it does seem a bit mean but £450 is a lot of money. Older brother at no point has spoken to younger brother about all this, although I think my mum has mentioned to younger brother what could potentially happen. My mum also keeps asking me what's happening!

I get the feeling that at some point, I'll end up being the diplomat and having the appropriate conversations all round to make sure everyone is happy and knows the situation and isn't feeling guilty. It seems that no one else in the family will talk to each other!

Am I making this more complicated than it should be? Is this typical family politics? Is my older brother being a bit stingy?

[LookBehindYou]

Only you can answer your question. Just sounds like normal family stuff to me.

[FannyFifer]

Nope, Totally lost with all the people and cottages involved, sorry.

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

Just tell your brothers to talk to each other. Say you don't want any crossed wires and that all they have to do is pick up the phone.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Seems odd that he would invite all these people and then realise he has nowhere to put them.

I dont see why it would be upto you though. Surely as its his house its upto him to arrange everyone?!

[WorraLiberty]

Why not invite your DB and SIL to yours for Christmas instead?

[RandomMess]

Will your DB also be footing the cost of hosting you all for how ever long you go for? Sounds expensive to me!

I should think during the winter holiday let bookings are think on the ground except at Christmas...

I would just itterate to your brother you are happy to come and give lifts but can he sort out the rest of the politics as you are to tired to think it through with such a young baby

[trixie123]

why don't you all pitch in £100 and have the younger brother and family stay at the holiday let? Your parents will presumably be sharing your travel costs so that cuts down on the petrol. Also, just to pre-empt other issues- have you discussed how the bills for hosting this gathering will be split? Festive food and drink for that many people will be ££££. Jst one other thing also, have you def got room for both parents in the back of your car with the babyseat in it too?

[JumpingThroughHoops]

Summary. Some relatives own some rental properties. Some family member wants to stay in one at christmas. Owner says its peak time and he doesnt want to miss out on the £450 rental he could have made.

Is this normal?



Well he's running a business, you can only do many favours for family before family become blood suckers. TBH it's a bit off descending and expecting to get free lodging knowing that the brother is running a property rental business.

[SESthebrave]

It really seems like my older brother doesn't want to have what he perceives as difficult conversations! Never thought this of him before. My two brothers have never really spoken - not because they don't get on but more because they are very different and don't have a lot in common. There's 10 years between them.

We're with my parents and younger brother next weekend so no doubt it will get discussed then, with my older brother not around.

[SESthebrave]

We will have room in the cars as we'll take both our cars and one is a 7-seater. The suggestion was that if younger brother was going, they'd get the train or coach.

Younger brother wouldn't chip in £100 as they can't really afford it. I think that's probably his choice and his decision maybe.

It comes back to how different my brothers are. The older one owns 4 properties, has a good career. The younger one lives with his wife in a 1-bed flat earning about £20k. I think younger brother and mum think older brother is rolling in it but in reality I think older brother is living to his means and any loss will cause an impact.

[JoshLyman]

Little bro, wife and MIL use the two free rooms at big bro's house. You and your DC and parents stay in the rental, which big bro will rent you at a family discount rate of £300.

Job done?

[SESthebrave]

Well could be, but my parents won't pay so it would be up to me and DH. Not sure I can persuade DH that we need to pay to go and stay with my brother for Christmas when all we asked initially was if the 4 of us could go.

I do take on board the point that hosting that many people for a few days at Christmas would be expensive and we would normally chip in for whoever is hosting Christmas by someone other than the hosts providing things like Christmas cake, crackers, cash contribution to the meat, wine, etc.

[Helltotheno]

No it shouldn't be this complicated... for you that is. Why are you doing the dirty work for your bro? Wash your hands of it I say, and let them sort it among themselves.

[JoshLyman]

Well, thing is, SOMEONE has got to pay, whether it's someone paying rent or your big bro losing out on it. If everyone is refusing to pay, which is what it sounds like, then it's not going to happen. Either you all chip in to cover the expense or you don't all go. There's not really another solution.

Grown adults should be able to compromise (them, not you!)

[WorraLiberty]

Would it be much easier if they came to you for Christmas OP?

[brass]

I don't really understand why you all have to descend on him though. Fine for you if it fits in nicely with your ML and everything but why do you need to take your parents and other DB and his wife and MIL?!

If it's that many of you then you shouldn't have a problem pitching in with the cost of the whole thing.

Bit unfair to expect him to host Christmas and put everyone up and lose income. Also if he regularly has visitors from both sides of the family then the word stingy should not be used when discussing him!!

[SESthebrave]

Older brother and SIL always want to be at home for Christmas for various reasons. We did host Christmas here last year for my parents and younger brother, his wife and MIL. Because they live closer, they all came for the day.
Selfishly, I would like to go to my older brother's place as we don't get chance so much.

Maybe on reflection, it would be easier to go to DH's family in Ireland!

[SESthebrave]

It was DB that was worried he would come across as stingy and it was also him that first spoke of inviting everyone else! I guess he didn't think it through!

[WorraLiberty]

Is it fair to say that everyone really wants to go there because they like the area?

If so, I wouldn't blame him for not being too accommodating.

My Sister lives in a beautiful part of the country and her friends and inlaws tried to use her house like their holiday home.

She put her foot down in the end and told them all to book a B&B!

[5madthings]

ok so you were going to go with your baby.

then your parents (who are also your brothers parents) are going as well.

then your db and his partner, family again so ok and then her mother?

and YOUR db said it would be great for them to all go as well, so essentially he has invited them to stay, so actually it kind of seems a bit rude to invite them adn then say actually you need to pay? i mean i would only invite someone if i had the space/could afford it.

if not i would say at the OUTSET, yes its lovely for you all to come but we would need you to pitch in with the cost.

i think a reduced family rate would make sense, but tbh your db created this mess by inviting them and saying it was ok for them all to go, so HE needs to sort it ou!

[Kewcumber]

It wasn't his idea in the first place and his wife has probably pointed out to him that there isn;t room for everyone (unless you can persuade young bro to sleep on the floor?).

I'm with Brass - I don't see why everyone has to descend on him if they don't have room - certainly wouldn't expect him to forgo £450 for the pleasure - thats mad!

How much does younger bro and his wife want to go - if they're desperate to go then suss out the cost of a B&B for a couple of nights.

[SESthebrave]

I think that's part of the reason he gets a lot of visitors - because it is a beautiful part of the country.
I can't speak for anyone else but the reason I really want to go is because I don't see enough of DB and DSIL and - even though they've moved so far away, I've actually started to feel like we're getting on better than ever before. We've never been particularly close.

[WorraLiberty]

Why not visit them another time then...avoiding Christmas?

I can't imagine the rest of the family wanting to go all at the same time so that should solve the problem.

[5madthings]

well you asked if you could visit and he said that was ok and then HE invited the others is how i read it. so he should have thought it through a bit more.

will your db and his wife come to you? and then others can visit for the day that may be easier?

[NameChangeGalore]

Why can't people camp out on the living room floor for a night or so, or book a room in a local B&B or hotel?

Mountains and molehills come to mind.