I hate my mother in law

(141 Posts)
bubalou Thu 09-Aug-12 10:08:47

Hate is a strong word. This is a vent - apologies for length.

If I never saw my mother in law again would I care - not at all.

My DH is golden boy - at 36 he is still the apple of her eye and his 39 year old sister is oh so aware of this (poor her).

I don't want to ramble too much but she is just a horrible person. His dad is nice but I don't know how she managed to raise such a nice, well rounded man like my DH - that however is the only compliment she will get from me.

She has never liked me. I don't know why - I think I'm nice. sad I'm a good wife - we have been married over 5 years now & our DS just turned 4 & he is her only grandchild. I have never cheated, never broken up with him even, never done anything wrong. I think I'm a great mum - I didn't work for 2 years so I could dedicate my time to DS, Now he is older I work 36 hours a week, look after him, my husband and run the family home. Lots of love to all my fellow working mums - my god it's hard!!!!

Bottom line. She is horrible. Any excuse to have a dig at me. I work Mondays - Thursdays. My DS goes to nursery Mon, Wed, Thurs. She has him at my house on a Tuesday. Don't get me wrong I appreciate it - but it is a nightmare! I have to see her every week!

She does sooooo many things to annoy me on purpose. I found out about 9 months ago when they had taken DS out for a meal they let him have a whole glass of coke. 'But it was diet' they said. I went mental and told them under no circumstances was he to have coke. The next week they took him out and he came back and told me he had lemonade!!!! I asked her if he was joking - she looked at me, smiled & said 'well you said no coke'. This is just 1% of the shit I have to put up with.

This isn't me being size-ist - she is fat. Not 'I'm trying to lose weight fat' but - I eat what I wan't don't care and hate everybody that is smaller than me fat. His sister is fat and DH was too as a child due to what she fed him - he resents her for this as he now lives a very healthy lifestyle.

She is always trying to feed my son crap!!! They don't bring him round 1 chocolate bar a week - they will bring 3 big bags of smarties, jelly babies etc, a cake from gregs and feed him what he wants. I have to lay out all his food and give her times to give it to him or she just feeds him crisps. She has even put the healthy snacks in the bin before and I found them. I came home one day to find his lunch still in the fridge - when I asked her why she said 'he just wanted crisps'!!!! WTF!!!!!

I have heard her say horrible things about me - in my own house, she is rude to my family and has openly slagged off my mum (not being biased but she is wonderful) My husbands nan (his dads mum) died a few months back, another person who hated my MIL. My FIL got a little drunk at the wake - as some people do when dealing with grief and when I drove him home he said to me 'I don't care what horrible things 'MIL' says about your mum and dad, I think they're lovely'!!!

I can't talk to DH about this because after all the years as soon as I mention his mum he knows it will be bad. Thank god my DS starts school in 1 month and I won't have to see her every week but she will still be having him over half terms etc.

I have tried dealing with her but don't know how to handle things without hurting DH feelings.

Sorry for the REALLY long message - honestly I could moan about this woman for hours on the things she does!

MrsKeithRichards Thu 09-Aug-12 10:12:45

Sort out childcare that you pay for and have to listen to your demands.

bubalou Thu 09-Aug-12 10:13:49

I do already - MrsKeithRichards. sad the trouble is now that she asks to have him or my husband suggests she can have him etc.

CogitoErgOlympics Thu 09-Aug-12 10:14:37

You have to deal with her the same as you would any other difficult person you come across in your life i.e. assertively. If you compromise or say nothing for fear of 'hurting DH's feelings' then you will become bitter and resentful and she will have even less respect for you than she does already. If you don't like her bringing sweets or feeding your son crisps, tell her not to do it. If you hear that she has been bad-mouthing you, tell her what you've heard and ask for an apology. You don't have to be nasty about it - that really would upset your DH. But if you are assertive and stand up for yourself consistently, he can't really complain .

MrsKeithRichards Thu 09-Aug-12 10:16:19

Then say no.

I don't think she sounds awful at all. I dread to think what goes on at my in laws when ds is there but I trust them. Yes he gets too many sweets but so what?

If you can't live with that then don't.

tiggytape Thu 09-Aug-12 10:18:31

YANBU to expect her to treat you with respect and not to be rude about your family.
And even though she should respect your parenting rules, if you are relying on her to cover school holidays etc, it is very unlikely you are going to be able to enforce that.
What does DH think about DS having nothing but crisps some days (you say he is a healthy eater - does it not concern him?)

Unless you make it so you are totally non reliant on her then she is always going to be able to exert some control over your son and in the process undermine you too if that's what she wants to do. I do get the impression though that the feeling is mutual. If your mum gave DS some lemonade would you be quite as angry as if MIL did? It looks like both of you are determined to see the worst in each other which, unless you can ignore it, get DH to address it or change your reliance on her, is going to mean she will always be able to wind you up.

bubalou Thu 09-Aug-12 10:20:48

That's the point - I don't trust her.

My DS is allowed sweets, he's a kid, kid's like sweets.

The fact is she will let him eat a packet of crisps and smarties and a coke for his lunch instead of what I have prepared for him. He just turned 4 last week!

That is the so what. Also the fact is that she does it all - on purpose, knowing full well what I have said.

Gumby Thu 09-Aug-12 10:24:33

A 4 year old drinking lemonade once a week isn't that big a deal imo

curiousgeorgie Thu 09-Aug-12 10:25:12

Don't we all ;)

MrsKeithRichards Thu 09-Aug-12 10:26:27

You've happily used her for free childcare for two years. Can't be that bad.

bubalou Thu 09-Aug-12 10:29:03

tiggytape I know what you mean. Try to remember though that these are just a few examples.

I don't rely on her at all for child care. We can afford for him to go to nursery. She wanted to have him 1 day a week when I started my new job so we agreed.

My DH is concerned but he seems to brush it off as any talk of his mum and he tunes out - I'm sure of course I will be blamed for this too.

She says things like 'have you had your hair cut Kate' I say - yes I have, she will look at it, smirk, and then say 'oh right'. That's it.

Every way this goes I come out the bad guy. People on here will probably blame me but then none of you know what it's like to have put up with this for 7 years. sad

I just wanted to know if anyone has been in the same situation maybe with an awkward MIL or peoples opinions on what I should do. Should I get together me, her, DH and FIL to once and for all talk about it and get things in the air?

I am not a horrible person I swear - I get along with everyone. She is just so full of hate and I don't think I can put up with her much longer.

LoveHandles88 Thu 09-Aug-12 10:29:15

Just say no. Organise alternative childcare. Sounds too stressful. Yanbu.

Tommy Thu 09-Aug-12 10:30:47

this is always the problem with "free" childcare IME. It's not free at all because of all the strings attached. You have to decide what's more important.

SoleSource Thu 09-Aug-12 10:31:00

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

puds11 Thu 09-Aug-12 10:31:08

Yes gumby to you it isnt, but to op it is, and its her child. I would go spare if someone gave my DD as glass of coke, especially if i had told them not to. Personally i think its just irresponsible giving kids that shit.

bubalou Thu 09-Aug-12 10:31:39

MrsKeithRichards I haven't happily used her as free child care! That's the point!

I don't need it. We can afford to send him to nursery on those days! She wanted to have him once a week!

puds11 Thu 09-Aug-12 10:32:16

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsKeithRichards Thu 09-Aug-12 10:33:28

So why didn't you say no back then?

bubalou Thu 09-Aug-12 10:34:39

Thank you puds11.

Its is just a slippery slope and he now asks for coke all the time! He wasn't interested in it at all before. And he was 2 when she gave it to him for the 1st time!

SoleSource - what does that mean? I only joined Mumsnet yesterday so don't know what the lingo is yet.

x

bubalou Thu 09-Aug-12 10:36:42

I wish I had MrsKeithRichards My husband agreed and said it would be fine.

She is 60 and doesn't work due to bad knees. He said it would be nice for her to have him once a week and would mean he was at home rather than nursery which he would already be at for 3 days so I agreed.

sad

bubalou Thu 09-Aug-12 10:39:06

I don't get it. Is that what SoleSource means? This is made up!

Trust me - I wish it was!

I'm very new to this having only joined here yesterday and although most people on here are lovely some people are really mean.

I'm just trying to get some support from other mums who might have had similar experiences. Thank you for your input. sad

tiggytape Thu 09-Aug-12 10:44:56

If he is starting school soon, then I would use that as a natural break to your current arrangements. No big bust up or confrontation, just book DS into holiday clubs and tell her that, at school age it is easier to do weekly bookings for these things and that nurseries for little ones are different.
She can still see him but with you there she is unlikely to be giving him fizzy drinks etc.

The problem is, you cannot make her want to behave more nicely or agree with you about the sugary treats. You can force the issue so she has no choice but to comply by changing childcare (which may upset her if she nolonger sees DS alone) or you can put up with it (which, depending on how much sugary treats once a week bothers you, may not be an option).
There isn't a solution though whereby she will suddenly become a nicer person and also do as you wish without feeling pushed out or cross about it.

bubalou Thu 09-Aug-12 10:49:36

Thank you tiggytape - that sounds like a sensible plan.

I think I'm just extra annoyed about it today as my DH has been away for 3 days and I'm a bit lonely and I miss him and I had to see her and she was yet again her oh so pleasant self.

Sorry all for moaning.

x

squeakytoy Thu 09-Aug-12 10:54:32

"The next week they took him out and he came back and told me he had lemonade!!!! I asked her if he was joking - she looked at me, smiled & said 'well you said no coke'. This is just 1% of the shit I have to put up with."

I really truly cannot see why this is part of any problem. She did what you ordered her to do. A glass of lemonade is not going to turn your child into a toothless blimp you know.

Bonsoir Thu 09-Aug-12 10:58:35

Your MIL would probably hate any woman married to her DS. Don't take it personally. Keep her at arm's length - if not physically, at least emotionally. Do not even contemplate trying to please her or win her approval because you can't.

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