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AIBU?

my mental illness and my child?

28 replies

MagicMojito · 01/08/2012 22:13

ok, i realize im in the wrong place and this will more than likely be moved but i find alot more traffic and experience here so here i am.

I have realized for some time that i have quite a severe anxiety disorder. i have had it for years and is just getting worse as time goes by. i have never actually admitted this to anybody in my life, but im guessing they must realize (through my odd behavior) that something is wrong.

It has got to the point now where my anxiety is affecting my marriage and my dh has told me i need help. i accept that this is more than likely the case. My concern is that i have a beautiful dd, she is happy, loved, hitting all her mile stones, COMPLETELY 100% SAFE WITH ME. I am worried that if i go and get officially diagnosed with mental illness that it will open a can of worms, and lead to social workers, home visits and checks being done on my parenting ability. I also worry about having to put it down on any application forms for jobs and the like (although obviously my main concern is that of my daughter)

Really i am asking of anybodies experience that they may have had or advice from where to go if not gp.

if its of any relevance i am in my mid 20's and am a sahm but looking for work

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manicinsomniac · 01/08/2012 22:16

hmmm, I think you'll be ok. Much better off getting help than not.

I'm a single parent of two under 10s and I have anorexia and cyclothymia. I've had personal support but nobody has ever tried to do anything about my parenting.

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CharlotteBronzeySaurus · 01/08/2012 22:17

there are LOADS of parents out there with mental health issues, many of whom work with community mental health teams, or have occasional hospital admissions. a mental illness is no reason for a referral to children and families' services.

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numbum · 01/08/2012 22:17

I was you. I finally braved visiting my GP and spent an hour much to the annoyance of other patients unfortunately spilling my heart out to her and using up her box of tissues. But I felt so relieved after I'd done that.

You need to tell your GP how you're feeling. I found it much easier to speak to a female GP. PHone them, tell them you need a double appointment and be honest.

Nobody can help you if you're not willing to help yourself x

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RawShark · 01/08/2012 22:20

Get help and what CBS said. I am sure social services are big enough to work out there are children that are actually at risk in any case.

My sister just went on anti anxiety medication, she feels much better.

Good luck

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Dawndonna · 01/08/2012 22:21

Dh has mental health problems and has been in hospital a number of times. Nobody has ever questioned our parenting ability. Get the help you need, you'll feel so much better for it.
Best of Luck.

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lovebunny · 01/08/2012 22:22

its many years since my mum, a woman with severe mental illness, raised me. we had no intervention from any outside body, except the csn who repeatedly had her sectioned, which she needed.

do you have a mum or mother in law, sister etc who can support you by helping with your daughter? my mother's mother was around and that made a difference, though she was a bit odd herself!

do seek help. i suffer from anxiety/depression and it can really limit your enjoyment of your family.

first of all, get help, to define what is wrong and find strategies to cope.

very best wishes.

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Lucyellensmum99 · 01/08/2012 22:23

why would getting help for a mental illness involve social workers?? That is what someone posted to me about five years ago when i posted a very similar post to yours. I was scared to go to my GP for help - but i did, and this is what happened.

I went to my doctors in a terrible state (had convinced myself i had throat cancer - err, it was my tonsils Hmm) my anxiety and PND was really really bad. I felt like i was losing my mind. The nurse in the walk in clinic insisted i see the doctor, i was, no no, i can't i have my DD, they will take her away. Even my DP was worried about this. But that was the thing, i was so anxious, horribly depressed, but i had bottled it up for so long because i was worried that id end up with SS involved etc.

So, i went to the doctor and spilled my guts, told her everything, i didn't mention my DD, once i started talking everything came out, i didnt mention my DD as i felt she was safe, i adored her and that she was the only good thing in my life. The doctor didn't even ask!! There was no question about my parenting whatsoever.

It took me a while to get sorted, i was put on ADs (they really helped with the anxiety) and i had counselling. Im ok now, but i would have got better so much quicker had i gone to the doctors when i first started to feel bad.

Please go to your doctor, don't give it another thought that your parenting will be questioned. Tell them those things are fine, just tell them what you need help with - you dont go to the doctor and say, I have a pain in my stomach, but you know, i dont get any head aches :)

Go sooner rather than later, there is lots of help available and you deserve to feel better.

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CleoSmackYa · 01/08/2012 22:25

I have bipolar and have been sectioned twice. Nobody has come round and taken my child away yet! They know she is safe with me (and my reason for living), and I know there is support there if I need it. Go to the doctor, and stop fretting, it'll only make you feel worse. xxxx

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joanofarchitrave · 01/08/2012 22:26

DH is main carer for ds and has a major mental health diagnosis. TBH I sometimes wish they would take a bit more interest in whether we need more parenting support! No-one's shown the slightest inclination to probe that area of his life, I guess because there's no problem there.

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Mrsjay · 01/08/2012 22:26

your anxiety maybe causing you to think like that but honestly your child is safe with you nobody is going to take her from you, I have suffered PND clinical depression and anxiety disorder my children are cared for and are older and have never been under any SS care because i had mental health issues, please see your GP Smile

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PenelopePipPop · 01/08/2012 22:26

It will not open a can of worms. It will make no difference at all.

Mental health problems are so normal that all of us will have them at some point in our lives. For women one of the most common times is when we have small children. It does not make us incapable parents and that is not what your GP will think.

Your GP will think 'Oh yes anxiety. That is very unpleasant to live with, let's talk about how to treat it'. And they'll discuss talking therapies like cognitive behavioural therapy with you, and may also talk about whether you want to use medication in the short term to help reduce your anxiety levels a bit (it is up to you if you want to or not). They may ask about stress and family life just to find out about how your anxiety affects you. But the first thing they think will definitely not be 'Is she a good mother?'.

Because this is ordinary. Horrible. But ordinary. And lots of good mothers and good fathers also have anxiety and depression and compulsions and eating disorders and bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and all kinds of other things besides.

You do not have to say you have an anxiety disorder when you apply for jobs. But if you do employers cannot discriminate against someone on the basis that they have a history of mental health needs.

Good luck seeking help. It is tough but it is worth it.

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headinhands · 01/08/2012 22:27

It's a very outdated and extremely unhelpful misconception. Seeking support from your GP is the best thing to do for you and your family.

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Mrsjay · 01/08/2012 22:28

It is said that 1 in 3 people have had mental health problems at some point in their life , go to the gp

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headinhands · 01/08/2012 22:29

I've been on anxiety meds twice since becoming a mother and my status as a mother has never been mentioned/queried.

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ElleJB · 01/08/2012 22:33

I had moderate PND after my first baby, then moderate pre and post natal depr. with my 2nd pregnancy, requiring anti-depressants and counselling first time and injections & pessaries before and after delivery second time. I had another period of depression five years later, requiring more medication. At no point was my ability to parent my children even hinted at, no professionals were involved other than my GPs and the counsellor. My cousin has severe depressive episodes (and has been sectioned twice), has a paraplegic husband and Downs baby, and again her ability to be a good parent has never been brought up. Please don't worry about this - your dd is obviously thriving and you are doing a great job, so get the help you need so you can enjoy being such a great mum! Oh, and I've never completed an application form that asks about mental health - employers cannot ask you that x

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MissPants · 01/08/2012 22:50

I had severe anxiety during pregnancy with my DC4 which worsened after the birth and for 6 months afterwards. It took me a long time to seek help but it became so crippling that I couldn't live my life normally and crucially neither could my children. My anxiety was based around my children and their safety, I couldn't bear for them to be out of my sight for a moment or for anyone else to care for them. Visits to grandparents left me a sobbing wreck until they came home and I finally bit the bullet and saw my GP after DH took the children on a walk with the dogs and I had such a severe panic attack I collapsed.

My GP was fantastic, I was medicated for a while but what really helped was the community mental health team working with me. Despite the fact that my illness was having a clear effect on my children (eventually I literally wouldn't let them go anywhere and they seriously missed out) nobody contacted social services or felt it necessary to work with anyone but myself.

As long as you are not a danger to your DC then you have nothing to fear from accessing the help that is available. I hope things get better for you, it can be beaten!

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MagicMojito · 01/08/2012 22:50

thankyou for comments and helpful advice, will be back soon but poor dd is teething and demanding my undivided attention!

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squeakytoy · 01/08/2012 22:54

The thing is, your daughter will be unaware of your anxiety issues at the moment if she is only a toddler or a baby, but that will not be the case forever.

Living with an over-anxious or neurotic parent can be bewildering and upsetting as well as constricting for an older child.

Your marriage is also just as important as your child, or should be.

Take your husbands advice and seek some help. You will not lose your child.

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FriggFRIGG · 01/08/2012 22:55

I have severe anxiety,
I have 2 DC,
after 3 years of living hell I finally caved in and went to the GP,
I was utterly terrified of the same things you are...I spilled my heart out,including telling the doctor I had considered suicide and found my DD incredibly hard to cope with.

At the end of the session,I asked the GP in a shakey voice,when I should expect the SS visit,she looked at me like Confused and then it slowly dawned on her,that I was why I hadn't come sooner,that was why I was sobbing,I was convinced they would try to take my children.
she smiled and explained that if I wanted help,she could refer me if I wanted,but she had no reason to suspect I want a perfectly good parent,with perfectly good support in place around me (DP for eg) and said there was no way she would refer me unless I expressly asked her to.

I'm on meds now,I've had some counselling and I'm Waiting for CBT,I've come a long way-DP and I were on the verge of splitting (really,really close) and we're now engaged and happy together,I'm happy again (still a bit weird Wink) and I'm miles away from where I was just afew months ago.
I still have anxiety sometimes,but I'm not terrified all the time anymore.

I never thought I could get better.
Please,please go,your life CAN be transformed,you CAN be happy,and relaxed again.

You can pm me anytime.

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whathasthecatdonenow · 01/08/2012 22:59

OP, my DSis has been recovered by the police after going missing and attempting suicide, then sectioned, more times than I care to remember. She was also given ECT when under a section. She has 4 kids. No-one has ever questioned her ability to parent them.

Get the help you need - that's being a good parent.

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Krumbum · 01/08/2012 23:02

A lot of people seem to worry this but no it will have no affect whatsoever. The therapists and doctors never even contact social services, it has nothing to do with them. Your ill but that doesn't stop you being a good parent, same with any illness.
Go to the gp and ask to be referred for cognitive behavioural therapy that is what is best for anxiety.
Lots of brilliant parents have mental illness. getting help will benefit you and your daughter

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Mrsjay · 02/08/2012 08:59

magic you could speak to your health visitor if you are not confident enough to go to your GP yet,

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DozyDuck · 02/08/2012 09:05

I was once asked by a social worker (I asked her to come to assess DSs needs, he has SN) if I had any issues that would stop me being able to parent properly such as alcohol or drug problems or DEPRESSION.

I haven't ever had depression I have been under a lot of stress though and that conversation made me very unwilling to go to anyone and say I need some extra help tbh.

She was a student I think... I don't know of that has anything to do with it...

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noisytoys · 02/08/2012 09:13

I am also bipolar. I have been in and out of doctors and psychiatrists regularly. They have never questioned my ability to be a good parent. IMO going to get the help you need makes you a better parent

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TruthSweet · 02/08/2012 09:15

Please go and get help. They won't take your child away unless you are neglecting her or abusing her (and they don't classify having a parent with MH problems as neglect or abuse!). It can only lead to a better life for your whole family Smile

I had severe PND-OCD with all 3 DDs and the closest I got to SS was my CPN asking them to make a note in a file that I had PND-OCD and therefore wasn't a risk to my children (PND-OCD is accompanied by intrusive thoughts of harm coming to the children as that's my worst nightmares - they wanted to make sure some well meaning person didn't get the wrong end of the stick and report me).

Even after all the problems I have had with the PND-OCD and no concerns, I did have my DDs playschool raise a safe guarding issue with local SS this year.

This was nothing to do with the PND-OCD but because my Neuro started me on new epilepsy meds due to me being pg. These new drugs acted like sedatives and caused serious confusion, sedation and memory issues (while not actually stopping any seizures and in fact increased them!) so I was just staggering about trying to look after the children while in cloud cuckoo land and zoning out all the time.

Not the SW did anything bar a phone call as by them I was being weaned off the dodgy meds. so they seemed fairly happy and I have had no more contact from them since.

It did mean I got a homestart lady to help though Grin which is lovely when you are shattered from pg no.4!

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