to expect DP to do more?

[Grockle]

DS & I were away for 4 nights. DP chose not to come with us & to stay home with the dog. All fine, I thought - he'd have some peace & quiet & we'd have a nice break (only 45 mins down the road but still, away from home etc).

In those 4 days, DP baked a cake, hoovered & went to the dump.

When we returned home, there was mouldy bread in the kitchen, a box of mouldy bagels, stale crisps, out of date stuff in the fridge.

The following morning, DP was lovely and got up with DS (I have suspected Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and had been very unwell before I went away) so I could have a lie-in. I was very grateful. I got up at about 9, we went to the supermarket etc. On the way back I asked DS what he'd had for breakfast... nothing. No drink or anything. Why couldn't DP have fed DS? It was about 11.30 - I know it didn't hurt DS but still

AIBU to expect DP to notice these things? He could have frozen the bagels before they went moudly, or fed the bread to the chickens or replaced the tissues or put butter in the butter dish or got DS to have a drink...

I got cross with DP and shouted at him (I know I shouldn't have) & he's now stuttering, saying he's depressed. This has been an issue in the not too distant past but he was happy, smiley & speaking normally til I got cross.

In the 2 1/2 years we've been together, he's not once cooked me a proper meal. He's occasionally made soup (when I've written down strict instructions) and used to bake cakes.

DP doesn't work, doesn't contribute to household finances etc... aibu to expect him to contribute more to the house in other ways?

I'm really pissed off so am perfectly happy for you to say i abu, I just needed to rant.

[poorfoxyloxy]

I feel for you grockle, I've got a useless one too, I came home from work once and he said he didn't feed the children because they didn't say they were hungry!! although my useless one does work, from home albeit. He goes away for work occassionally and I think, now, why is it exactly that I have a man around>?? Can't bear to be lonely though... :)

[squeakytoy]

"DP doesn't work, doesn't contribute to household finances etc..."

what exactly does he do then? and is this his child?

[Grockle]

He used to work but has been signed off with depression for the last 12 months. He's been much better recently though and has been looking for volunteer work. I looked with him but it appears that I am the one who has found a position & he has still not bothered sorting anything out.

WHat does he do? The ironing, pegging out washing, empties the dishwasher & does the hoovering. Sometimes he feeds the dog. But tbh, I could pay a cleaner to do most of that and it'd be cheaper than supporting DP.

I have to ask him to clean the bathrooms (the loo was filthy when we got home so I had to clean that), or do anything else. When he was very depressed, I typed a list of jobs that need doing at home (emptying bins, cleaning sink, replacing toilet rolls etc) so he could see what might need doing.

I don't want to be nagging him all the time but I don't understand why he can't just do stuff. If I go away and my sister looks after my chickens, she also makes sure we have milk & bread in the house when we return. And I do the same for my neighbours. I just don't see why DP can't do it.

I don't like being lonely either but I also don't want to feel like I have another child to look after. My health has been poor recently & I just can't cope. I need help, not someone to complain about.

I was so looking forward to coming home from holiday and seeing DP and it all went wrong

And I feel bad for suspecting that his sudden symptoms of depression are linked to me being pissed off. I've suspected before that the stuttering is put on or exaggerated but it makes me feel very cold-hearted. I don't really know what to do. He's been a bit competitive in the past about who is the most unwell - I am wondering if this is a response to my being ill recently.

He asked me to marry him a few months ago. But right now, I don't want to

[Grockle]

And no, DS is not his. But he's generally really good with him & treats him the way he treats his own DSs.

Since we came home, he's refused to eat & generally appeared quite sulky/ depressed. I'm too tired to deal with it.

[indiegrrl]

Having suffered depression, and been off work sick with it, and wondered if I'd ever get back to work, I feel for you. Being the partner in that situation is crappy. I wouldn't have blamed my DP if he'd walked. Sometimes people are too sick and wearying to be around. I don't think it is a cause of admiration not to walk, either - glad he didn't, but there's no right or wrong here. And you've got the additional burden of childcare, which we didn't have. Someone being pissed off isn't a sufficient trigger for depression IMO, so don't lay that on yourself. And I always sorted milk and bread when I was unwell, I'm not trying to compete with your DP but you know, being an adult means realising life goes on...there are other people...consider yourself, please.

[squeakytoy]

"I've suspected before that the stuttering is put on or exaggerated but it makes me feel very cold-hearted. I don't really know what to do"

Hmm, that does sound like you have little understanding of clinical depression. Is he getting treatment from his GP?

My husband had depression which led to a nervous breakdown. It was very hard to cope with it, but he was ill, and as his wife I made plenty of allowances for it.

If you were the husband posting about his wife, I suspect there would be a lot more traffic on this thread.

[MadgeHarvey]

What is either of you getting out of this relationship?

[olimpia]

It sounds like he's trying to help but not doing enough for your standards. Cut him some slack. If he's clinically depressed he probably feels useless and you're not helping him by having a go at him.
Does he have a counsellor and is he being helped back into work? His self esteem must be pretty low right biw

[olimpia]

*Right now

[Margerykemp]

Does he parent his other DCs?

Was his behaviour the reason his ex split?

[Grockle]

I know he's sick. But he was ok til I got cross. I also suffer with episodes of severe depression, so I'm not unsympathetic to that - I do know what it's like. I also know I can't turn it on & off &, no matter how I feel, I have to make sure there is food in the house, that the clothes get washed... I might feel like shit & want to die but I have a family who need me so there's no option of not doing those things.

I do make allowances for him - a lot. I don't expect him to do a huge amount & I don't ask him for money. I support him emotionally and financially. I take him places, buy him things, spend time with him. It would just have been nice if he'd thought to feed a hungry child or make sure there was food in the house. Like I said, he's been so much better, looking for volunteer work & not seeming to be depressed. Last thing he told me, he said he was doing well, feeling happy etc. So I don't understand why he is suddenly not. This always happens if I am upset about something. It feels like there is no point me trying to have discussions with him, even when he's well, because he'll have nothing to say & will plummet into stuttering & not talking to me for days before he forgets the whole thing & carries on as if nothing has happened. We've barely spoken today because I'm too scared to make things worse yet he says he's staying here & won't go to his mum's. I don't know what I'm meant to do.

I don't want to give up on him but I need something in return. I'm not well either.

[Grockle]

Madge, I don't know what I am getting out of it. He's getting a home, food, support, company... I'm getting stress and ill mainly. But when things are good they are good.

He does see his own DC a lot - 3 nights a week & every other weekend. And he's great with my DS usually.

I only know his version of why he split with his ex - I don't know what she'd say. He just says she's not very nice. I don't know her but they have lots of fairly childish arguments on the phone.