AIBU to want to know what he/we have done?

[fruitysummer]

I'll try and make it short.

DH has a 13 yo DD.
We had contact, not as regular as we'd like but we saw her.
We now have no contact, she doesn't answer his calls, emails, texts. She ignores him on the very rare occastion they are in the same company except to snarl at him.

His ex is not his biggest fan but she is pleasant when she sees him/us and responds to his texts so we don't think it's undue influence from her.

It's not just us she ignores, she's pretty much stopped contact with DH's parents and her cousins.

We got married last year, the only thing that has obviously changed. She was involved, appeared to be happy about it, she's been welcomed by family and friends. I have no children and we can't have kids together so no new sibling to push her out.

I was thinking it might be her teenage hormones? A friend suggested it might be the realisation her parents will never now get back together. (it wasn't even on the cards for that to happen).

We've asked her and his ex. We've obviously got no answer from DD and his ex hasn't really said anything except to say it's her (d/d) choice and she'll support whatever she decides which is fair enough even if I don't really agree with that stance.

So, AIBU to ask you for suggestions of what it can be?? Or what we can do that we might not have already thought of?

[manicbmc]

It's called being a self-obsessed teenager who knows everything.

She'll come out of it in about 5 or 6 years. Just keep an open door for her.

[puds11]

I was the same. It takes time to realise what is really going on. Let her alone, but continue to support and welcome her, and once she is done brooding, she will come.

[ZillionChocolate]

I was occasionally horrible to my parents at that age. I wouldn't have been able to articulate why. Given that you're at arms length, it's probably easy for her to exclude you.

I think you need to be patient. I don't think asking questions of her is likely to achieve anything.

[fruitysummer]

I'm pleased you think it's teenage hormones.

I'd be quite happy to just let things coast along as I'm sure she'll come out of it the other side but i'm concerned that the longer she leaves it the harder it will be as they don't actually live in the same house.

They won't know each other and will she be bothered to want to start again?

DH is already confused and upset and he's at the stage now where he doesn't want to contact her just to be ignored. He doesn't as he knows that's not the right thing to do but he's very disheartened. She's his little girl!

[puds11]

Tell him to keep contacting her, even if she does ignore it. He needs to keep a constant presence even if just texts in her life, or she will hold it against him. Trust me

[puds11]

Also, she does love him, its just that teenagers need to have problems.

[fruitysummer]

He sends her weekly 'news' texts so she knows what's going on.

He used to send questions asking how she was and how school was going etc but we got told that would just annoy her more!

She was ok with me last time we saw her, but not her dad. I thought the anger would be directed at both of us but maybe she realises her behaviour won't hurt me like it does her dad.

I don't get why she's so dismissive of her grandparents too though??

[puds11]

Yeah dont ask about school, its so very cliche. Maybe if he just asked 'hows things going?' with now directness to any area in particular. This will show he is still interested in her life but without sounding to stereotypical.

Does he try really hard when she is there? Does he act unnatural?

[fruitysummer]

He asks about her horses in his texts, she's very into them. I confess I know nothing about them so I'm always happy to discuss them with her.

He's pretty much just the same as he always has been. He doesn't want to be overbearing and piss her off and he doesn't want her to know he's dissappointed and hurt either. I doubt anyone but me would notice any difference.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

It's probably mostly hormones, but I expect the fact that her Dad was married to someone that's not her Mum has affected her too. It woudo have been easy for her to get caught up in the wedding without realising what a big commitment marriage is.

[puds11]

Its good that he isnt overbearing. Did he leave her mum for you? Sorry for the personal question, but if he left her, its most likely that she is trying to support her mum by disliking her dad. I did the same for about 6 years. I regret it massively now and love my dad more than anyone bar my DD.

[fruitysummer]

No puds, he's been divorced from her mum for years. He did leave her though.

I came on the scene a long time after, I'm not the cause of the break up.

Her mum has a 'new' partner, who she's been with since they split.

[kirsty75005]

Both my sister and I stil blush to think how horrible we were to our parents at that age. I was particuarly nasty to my mum - didn't talk to her except to argue for a long time. In my defense, she had been on at me quite a bit about the state of my room.

(The "in my defense" bit is tongue in cheek.)

[puds11]

I see. I guess she is just mad at her dad for leaving her mum then. I was for a long time.

[RobotLover68]

A friend suggested it might be the realisation her parents will never now get back together. (it wasn't even on the cards for that to happen

^^
This

My DSS behaved exactly the same at that age and we're pretty sure this was the reason (like you split nothing to do with me, mum remarried)

Just keep up the contact and one day she'll come out the other side

[Isityouorme]

Don't send weekly news texts, email her instead. They will be easier to read, plus of more value. A text can only say so much.