MIL meltdown

[seoladair]

Please give gentle answers - I am feeling bad, and am looking for kind advice, not a debate...

Since I became pregnant, my MIL has become very controlling and intrusive. My baby is now 14 months old, and we had a bit of a meltdown when she was just 6 weeks. There were lots of issues, for instance her saying "that baby is very fat" - you should put her on a diet", when she was 6 weeks old. She also got angry because my husband and I chose a hospital near my parents instead of near my ILs.

I have struggled all year to keep everything on an even keel but we had a meltdown yesterday over a small, silly thing - she has given us endless junk for the baby. I am in favour of second-hand things, but only if they are in good condition. She knows this well, but ignores it. DH and I have managed to tactfully reject 2 second-hand car-seats in the past year, and we've explained why.

Yesterday DH (a very tactful, gentle man) said that we wouldn't need the second-hand potty and stained loo-seat cover she had acquired for our baby. She also had some toys that were filthy. One of them looked as though it had been chewed by a dog.

An explosion of Vesuvian proportions ensued.

She was hollering at me in front of my baby, who got upset. I am very concerned that this will happen in the future, and undermine my daughter's view of me.

I also suspect that it's a control issue. She said "We do things our way", to which I replied "no, DH and I are baby's parents, so we would prefer to do things our way".Although they are a wealthy family I'm not saying they should spend much on my baby- I'm just tired of the emotional blackmail that accompanies the grubby pieces of baby junk, and would rather she didn't get it for us.

She also said she was very angry that I was only staying 2 nights. I stayed with them 3 weeks ago, also for 2 nights, and MIL babysat at our place 2 weeks ago, yet she was complaining that she doesn't ever see the baby. She also complained that my parents see more of the baby (not really true - sometimes they do, other times ILs see more of her - it just depends on what DH and I are doing).

Her daughter is estranged from her - I don't want the same thing to happen to my husband. I do want my daughter to know her paternal GM, but am concerned that I will be undermined more and more as my daughter grows up.

Sorry it's long....

[olympickibucket]

I get the tat thing from my somewhat eccentric mum, and it's exhausting finding excuses to reject it without her taking umbrage. But your MIL's reactions are unacceptable and YANBU to be pissed off. Has your DH got views on the matter?

[ENormaSnob]

So what did your dh do when she was hollering at you?

[GateGipsy]

HUGS

This is awful. You do have to keep standing up to her and keeping your ground. Learn to disengage from her and don't take anything she does personally. She can complain and whine and yell at you but you don't have to listen to any of it or let it change you. There's absolutely no reason for you and your DH to do anything to make her happier/her life easier when she is creating this drama and issues herself. Just ignore behaviour, and carry on doing what you want to do. You are right - she is out to control and if you don't feed her control issues in any way then she won't be getting anything out of it.

[JeezyPeeps]

Sounds awful :(. You have to do things your way. If she chooses to get upset about it, that's her choice - and maybe make it clear to her that it is her choice.

I'm sure others will have better advice, I've never been in a similar situation.

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

Why do you want your daughter to know her? So she can feel as miserable as you do in her presence? If your MiL isn't a nice person, then why expose your precious child to her? If she wasn't a relative you wouldn't dream of letting her anywhere near the baby, and you don't have to. It sounds like your husband is a bit caught in the middle - does he stand up for you?
Go home, and don't go to stay with the inlaws any more. If she asks why not just say "I don't want to" or "maybe later in the year" - it's not like she can drag you to her house at gun point and lock you in. You're a grown up - she is an old lady, spare yourself and your child her temper. Let your husband decide for himself how often and what kind of contact he wants to have, his relationship with his mother isn't really your business, other than if he wants to take your daughter with him when he visits. Then you'll have to talk it through together and come to an arrangement you are both ok with. Just make your decision for yourself, and cut contact with her. Repeat after me [grin[ "I am a grown up. I make my own decisions."

[pictish]

Yes...where was dh while she was shouting the odds at you? Does he step in?

Totally get you regarding the second hand tat - I actually think it's rude to press second hand items onto people as gifts, and then expect them to gush over it and offer eternal gratitude.
My entire house is furnished from Gumtree and from stuff we've been given...and I love nothing better than a car booty or a charity shop to rummage through....but I still think your mil is being too pushy.
Im a second hand ose..but I don't want manky toys and second hand car seats either thanks.

Don't know how you stop her though.

[pictish]

second hand rose that was meant to say

[seoladair]

My dh is great, and yesterday he kept asking her to stop. After her first meltdown (she burst in when I was changing a nappy, and kept refusing to go away) he told me his mother was going to apologise to me. She did nothing of the sort, and kept shouting at me. He did his bit to stand up for me.

At the same time, he says that he doesn't want to be like his half-sister who he says has "taken a decision to be without parents".

[diddl]

Being shouted at & your baby being upset-I´d take that as carte blanche to not see her for a very long while.
if ever again

[olympickibucket]

What Pombear says.

[OlivesTorchStreak]

Poor you.

I know this isn't going to resolve the issues of control, but could you just take the things and then throw them away after they have gone?

[zipzap]

If she starts getting angry and nasty, take a big breath, steel yourself and say that you are not prepared to be shouted at, you going and will talk to her when she has calmed down and can have a civilised grown up conversation, not expect everybody to do what she wants just because she can have the biggest tantrum. And then pick up your dd and walk out - of the room, the house, whatever. But something to physically remove yourself from her presence.

And then when she complains about you not seeing her you can just say what do you expect when you shout and rant at me!

You don't say if your dh goes with you to stay at mil - if he does then great and it sounds like he's good but if he doesn't - then mil is very lucky - no way would I go and stay with my mil just so she could get some hands on baby time on my own! Dh has to be there - find her very difficult to deal with on my own. And she's nowhere near as bad as your mil.

Good luck!

[ENormaSnob]

I wouldn't have my dc exposed to someone who felt it acceptable to behave like this.

[Nanny0gg]

If she does it again in her house, you leave.

If she does it in your house you tell her to leave.

She'll get the message.

[FateLovesTheFearless]

Get the law laid down to her.

If she shouts at you, she is told to leave, no ifs no buts. It is completely unacceptable to be abused in your own home.

If she critisises you, you tell her firmly that you are your Dc's mother and will do what you think is best and that you will hear no more on the subject.

Pull up your big girl pants and get her told, she may be the gp and the mother of your husband, that does not in any way give her the right to treat you like shit.

[seoladair]

I've told my DH that he has to be with me whenever we go to IL's place. He's fine with that, but they get huffy that I won't spend more time alone.
There have been a few times when MIL has been alone with baby in our flat, and I come back, and interestingly she's fine when it's just me. When anyone else is around, she undermines me and criticises.

[seoladair]

alone with them I mean (first sentence)

[diddl]

Why did you want her to go away when you were changing a nappy?

[RubyFakeNails]

I don't think it's necessary to cut her out as some are suggesting, I'm assuming this is her first grandchild am also thinking she may be finding it difficult to know she won't have the chance with her daughters (potential) children. I think she probably just needs reminding who is in charge and that she needs to let go and find some boundaries.

I would just treat her like a child. First of all would have a talk with her, which starts with please don't shout, I would explain how you feel in a tactful way and that if she continues to behave like this you will cease contact with her each time until you receive an apology. Then next time she acts like that I would leave/ask her to leave and say you will talk to her in 3days/week where you expect an apology. You basically need to train her out this behaviour.

[seoladair]

No, she has gc in their early 20s, and her daughter's are 12 and 14 (she does get to see them about 3 times a year).
I wanted her to go while I was changing a nappy because she was shouting and baby was getting upset, and is a wriggler at the best of times, so I needed to concentrate while she was up on the work surface with a bare dirty bottom. It's not easy to be harangued and deal with a wriggly baby with a dirty bottom at the same time....

This all happened at their place. In some ways that's easier, as we were able to get in the car and get the heel out. If it was at ours, short of physically pushing them out, I'm not sure what we'd do. The junk is at their place, as we've binned any junk that came to our place.

[seoladair]

I mean her daughter's children are 12 and 14. My husband was a late baby of second marriage for both parents so he has lots of half-siblings (his half brother is estranged from his father, and has been disinherited, which is another way they try to control everyone.)

[eurochick]

Tell them exactly why you are not prepared to spend time with them alone!

[seoladair]

Well, I feel that's it's better not to spell anything out, as anything I say will be distorted and thrown back at me forever.....

[seoladair]

My mum has just suggested that I send a nice card with baby photos, and some nice words. She reckons I'm not going to change anything by standing up to MIL, but if I send a nice card, it will reduce their ability to moan about me for a while. My mum thinks that as my ILs are alcoholics enthusiastic members of the Wine Guild, they will always be looking for a fight so there's no point trying to change them.