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AIBU?

to think this is not an excuse for bullying?

27 replies

biddysmama · 27/07/2012 11:33

my ds1 is 10 and my brother is 15, when we go to family do's or anytime we see him he picks on him, fights with him,gives him wedgies and takes the mickey out of him (we now avoid him btw) to the extent that my 3 year old is scared of my brother... ive told him to stop and he laughs it off, now when we are invited i say "no,he wont leave him alone and now dd is scared of him"

apparently its because he doesnt have a younger sibling, the brother older than him did it top him and the oldest brother did it to that brother, its just his way of balancing it it

i reckon its bull and he should leave my son alone

so aibu?

OP posts:

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patosullivan · 27/07/2012 11:36

YANBU.

That's no excuse at all for his behaviour.

IMHO, if he won't stop behaving like that, you're doing the right thing by avoiding him.

PlumpDogPillionaire · 27/07/2012 11:38

Er, no. YADDNBU.

Making excuses for his behaviour actually seems like an excuse not to address it - and an excuse not to deal with the roots of it.

It sounds as if someone should talk properly to this boy about his problems - he's well old enough to know what he's doing, old enough to try and articulate his feelings properly. Leaving him to it isn't doing him any favours, and it sounds like a relationship where adults just leave him to act out his troubled impulses in this way might have more to do with his behaviour than sibling 'teasing' in the past.

biddysmama · 27/07/2012 11:38

not to drip feed but its my family that give that excuse, my brother doesnt see whats wrong withh it tho

OP posts:

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 27/07/2012 11:39

YANBU! He shouldn't be picking on your son, and if your parents are willing to deal with his bullying it's best if you stay away.

Dawndonna · 27/07/2012 11:42

If your dh did it to your brother they would be having him in court for assault.
There is your answer.

mollymole · 27/07/2012 11:42

There is NEVER any excuse for bullying.

pictish · 27/07/2012 11:43

No - yanbu.

If you don't like it, you don't have to put up with it. End of. Don't klet anyone else tell you any different either.
My brother was permitted to be abusive to me under the guise of all-big-brothers-are-like-that.
He was horrid...verbally and physically bullying me until I was in my late teens, and moved out of home to get away from him.

My mum turned a blind eye because he was the apple of her eye.

My kids are not allowed to behave that way. No name calling, no violence, no bullying. I won't stand for it...and my dh totally agrees. I wouldn't send any of mine anywhere to be treated like that.
I wouldn't care what anyone thought about that.

AlwaysHoldingOnToStars · 27/07/2012 11:44

Well as you're his older sibling, you do it back to him. See how he likes it. (Not really though.) He's plenty old enough to know better, and your family shouldn't be letting him get away with it.

There is no excuse for bullying.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 27/07/2012 11:45

YANBU

And by making excuses your family are telling your brother that it's ok to act like this. Well done for standing your ground and protecting your dc

patosullivan · 27/07/2012 11:45

If your brother doesn't see what's wrong with it, then someone - ideally his parents - should talk to him and explain to him why his behaviour is wrong, and try to help him behave better in the future.

If your family are saying to others 'oh, it's okay for DS to do this because xyz', then it's surely just going to give your brother the idea that his behaviour is acceptable and he can just carry on bullying smaller children.

Thumbwitch · 27/07/2012 11:47

No YANBU - but your family has some serious issues if they think that systematic bullying of younger siblings is at all acceptable! Did you suffer from it when you lived at home as well?

I think you are doing the right thing to keep your DC out of the way of your brother, and safe from harm (and safe from the weird belief-system that your family seem to hold!)

I have a distant cousin who was bullied mercilessly by his own father, who in turn had been bullied by his father - no excuse to keep passing it down the chain, each person knows how shit it makes them feel, why feel the need to make the next person feel shit too? :(

quoteunquote · 27/07/2012 11:49

err no, why is he allowed to bully?

I would keep your children safe until your brother has demonstrated that he has grown up.

And invite family to your home, but do not include your brother, until he has listened, understood and give assurance he will no longer intimidate your children.

Maybe suggest activities that he could use to interact with children that won't terrorize them, he may, having only had the type of interaction as described with others, have no idea, that there are alternative ways of doing things,

you in instigating this might change how future family interactions are played out, worth a try.

Latara · 27/07/2012 11:51

He is 15. Next year he will be old enough to get married, leave school, rent his own place... basically almost an adult.

He has NO excuses for bullying a child.

Talk to him, not your family - he will be studying for GCSEs & is old enough to get a Saturday job. So he will understand you perfectly.
Be very assertive & firm.
Tell him that he will never touch your son again & you expect him to act his age.

Or else he will be making his stupid excuses at the police station (after all, he's at the age of criminal responsibility & hurting another person, even for 'fun' is assault.)
You're doing him a favour - because if he does hurt a child / another teenager or an adult either due to bullying or during a fight then he may well be arrested.

pictish · 27/07/2012 11:51

My brother is 6 years older than me. When I eventually talked to him about it all (I was 30 by then), explaining that I was 6 years his junior and hadn't a chance of fending him off, and how shameful his bullying was...he hung his head in shame. As he should.

biddysmama · 27/07/2012 11:52

im the oldest of us (at 29) so technically i should have been the first bully.. i wasnt!

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 27/07/2012 11:52

YADNBU. Refuse to go to any family gatherings until the bad behaviour stops. If no one is stopping him how on earth is he ever going to start learning to behave properly.

pictish · 27/07/2012 12:04

They will no doubt claim OP to be oversensitive or making a mountain out of a molehill etc...

You're not though. If your kids are frightened of him, then he is to blame.

Sometimes when ds1 (10) is getting over zealous with (4) and making him protest loudly (over tickling for example, or stealing his seat) I ask ds1 "Does ds2 look like he's enjoying that?"
"No."
"So then why are you doing it?"
"Sorry"

Your brother needs to be told the same. Is Biddy's lad enjoying that? No? Then why are you doing it to him?

I cba with kids punching lumps out of each other all over the place and tears left right and centre. Crapola.

biddysmama · 27/07/2012 12:07

he came to drop something off on his way to school the other day (i had asked my mum to but she sent him instead )and dd hid behind the settee until he had gone :(

OP posts:

Callisto · 27/07/2012 12:13

I too would have had serious words with your brother by now. Your parents are obviously going to ignore the issue. Did you point out to your brother that his 4yo neice is so frightened of him that she feels she has to hide from him in her own home?

KickTheGuru · 27/07/2012 12:17

Not an excuse. I wouldn't avoid it either but I would ensure I teach him that bullying is not ok - no matter where you think you can justify it from.

My oldest brother was trying to teach my niece about punching and being punched. She once smacked me in the face and I tapped her back on her bottom and said she wasn't to smack people as it wasn't nice. My brother said I shouldn't do that as "violence with violence" and all that shit.

We went to our cousins for Xmas and the little boy there smacked my niece. My brother told her to smack him back.

Double standards much?

My brother and I rough and tumbled until I developed breasticles and my dad told my brother that he was no longer allowed to hit me. However, if I ever hit him first, my brother had EVERY right to smack me back. I never hit my brother. I don't hit anyone first now because I know they have the right to hit me back.

Kids need to learn that not everyone is like your parent and if you're out and picking on someone, you will learn a hard lesson when you get thumped back.

Latara · 27/07/2012 12:20

In fact i may well have slapped your brother by now (not in a bullying manner obv. More a 'how dare you pick on my child i hate you' manner).

KickTheGuru · 27/07/2012 12:23

Second Lataras post :D

PlumpDogPillionaire · 27/07/2012 12:42

biddys - have you asked him 'Why do you do this?'?

BrevilleTron · 27/07/2012 12:53

Ask him. Does it make you feel good to pick on a child. Really making yourself look like a man aren't you?
I wouldn't stand for my DSis doing that to my DD and she knows I would call her on it in front of DD and bring up all sorts of things from our childhood.
Having been bullied for 11 years I won't tolerate it from anyone.
I've told DD if she is ever bullied I'll back her to the hilt. But if SHE ever bullies I will be down on her like a ton of bricks.
It is difficult when it's family but you need to protect your family.
Good luck and PM me if you need any help with cutting responses.

HecateHarshPants · 27/07/2012 12:55

Yes. it is bullying. I think you should remove your son and yourself when he does this.

Eject him from your home if he does it at yours. Put your shoes on and walk out if you're at his home.

Zero tolerance and bugger what your relatives think of it. your child has the right to be protected from bullies.

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