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AIBU?

AIBU to say something about a self harming nursery worker at my daughters nursery

182 replies

savlonqueen · 02/07/2012 21:40

I have noticed at the nursery my daughters attend that one of the members of staff seem to be self harming not at work im sure but has the very obvious scars on her arm some of which are just healing
I have also seen more appear over the last week and a half

Bit of background info:
She is not the key worker for any of my daughters but she is one of the more bubbly members of staff who makes an effort to talk to all the parents kind of thing and she is the one who seems to get everything done especially when my daughters dippy key worker does not seem to have a clue so i dont want it to be thought of as i dont like her in fact i have asked several times for her to be my daughters key worker but told the key worker list is set and it will be reviewed blah blah

So my AIBU is should i say something to her or the manager because surely someone should of noticed and be getting her some help or support and i dont want to do nothing because my daughter came home today and was concerned as only a 3 year old can be that she has hurt herself from a cat (its what the woman had told my daughter when she asked her) and drawn her a picture to make her feel better along with several flowers from my garden to make her feel better and this is going to be awkward when we give them to the woman tomorrow

OP posts:

Report

gordyslovesheep · 02/07/2012 21:43

yabu - talk to HER if you are concerned

maybe she has got a bastard cat?

PeanutButterCupCake · 02/07/2012 21:44

From what you've said she is competent at her job and I'd you've noticed her employer is sure to have and perhaps she's getting lots of support etc.

Leave it alone

HairyGrotter · 02/07/2012 21:46

YABU, the cat story may be true.

It is her business, and I'm sure if you've noticed, others have too.

Selks · 02/07/2012 21:46

She may have help and support already. Her manager may well be aware.

BertieBotts · 02/07/2012 21:46

That's sweet what your DD has done. I don't think it will be awkward - she's only 3 and not wanting to draw attention to it in a nasty way!

TheMysteryCat · 02/07/2012 21:46

oh please don't say anything. it won't help and you risk severly embarrassing her and being wrong.

doggiemumma · 02/07/2012 21:50

Have you seen the "time to talk" campaign on facebook? It addresses prejudices regarding mental health issues. Im not entirely sure from the tone of your OP if you are worried for this woman or are trying to say that you are worried about her working with your children. So i may have misread it but YABU its none of your business

savlonqueen · 02/07/2012 21:50

If it is a cat it seems to mark her along her whole arm in very neat lines so i doubt it is a cat

I worry about not saying anything because the manager has changed a few times as the full time manager went on maternity leave there was a very useless replacement (and if the staff had not been great we would of left) and now the useless replacement has been replaced until the old competent manager comes back in September so who knows how much she is even aware as she seems very out of her depth also and when my daughter was telling me about the cat apparently hurting this woman the manager said oh i didnt think so and so had a cat and walked away

There is a line manger still around and she used to be heavily involved in the nursery i may speak to her or the woman im just not sure what to do

OP posts:

Stellarforstar · 02/07/2012 21:51

Well, to be honest I wouldn't say anything.

Although it's hard, because maybe everyone she works with has seen the scars as well but doesn't want to ask/offer support, probably because they don't want to be seen as interfering/nosy.

Then, saying that I did work with someone, many moons ago, who self harmed a lot and asked her about her scars and she smiled at me and said I was the first person at work to ask her outright instead of staring. She could have told me to sod off though.

Oh, it's really difficult.

I would like to assume that she gets support from her manager anyway if she wanted it. This might not be the case, but unless you have a problem with the care your daughter is receiving I'd say leave it. Let her give her the flowers and drawing, smile nicely and tell her you appreciate how well she looks after your DD.

doggiemumma · 02/07/2012 21:51

oh and I have several deep scars up my arms - i used to be a vet nurse, bastard cats!!

savlonqueen · 02/07/2012 21:53

No its not that i am concerned that she is working with children that is why i included the parts about her being so good at her job and wanting her to be my daughters key worker she is the star of the place and i am sure the place would be very different without her in a bad way

I am concerned that she is not typically the type of person who you would normally associate with doing this and that with so many changes in managers recently that she will not be getting any help or they have not noticed and she will do greater harm to herself and i could of prevented it or helped somehow

OP posts:

doggiemumma · 02/07/2012 21:53

Also, most people who self harm (i do have other scars from when i did it to go with the bastard cat scars - thankfully they are light and dont show) will hide their scars, i think you should keep your beak out, really. Your DD sounds lovely though.

gordyslovesheep · 02/07/2012 21:53

it's nothing to do with her manager though - unless it's effecting her ability to do her job?

Self harm is often a sign people ARE coping oddly enough and you don't know what support she has

seriously if you wish to discuss it do so WITH HER

doggiemumma · 02/07/2012 21:54

It does sound like you are unhappy with the management of the nursery though - it sounds like a nightmare.

WorraLiberty · 02/07/2012 21:56

I've known 3 self harmers in my time and all of them went to absolute great lengths to hide the marks on their arms.

As others have said...perhaps she's not self harming at all or perhaps she is and she's seeking help.

If the kids have spotted it and made comments, the manager and other staff members will be well aware too.

MammaTJ · 02/07/2012 21:59

YANBU in showing real concern for someone you care about.

If you are wrong and it is a nasty cat then great!! If you are wrong and people already know and care then good too!!!

There is no way you could have been BU with the caring attitude you went in to this!!

gordyslovesheep · 02/07/2012 22:00

no one is saying she is being unreasonable for caring :)

WhiteWidow · 02/07/2012 22:03

I used to self harm I have scars that people notice. I was a competent carer and that never ever interfered with my work.

savlonqueen · 02/07/2012 22:04

I dont think i am explaining this very well but i am pregnant and have to resist the urge to hug her every time i see her

The manager situation is far from ideal however the care my daughters get is from the brilliant staff who have not changed and in fact they are a great group of people who always go above and beyond especially the worker i am concerned about and less so my daughters key worker who is a daft little flower who is away with the fairies but always means the best
I 100% would recommend it to everyone and anyone and always point people in the direction of the place when they are looking

I am not sure if they have seen the scars and are helping or if they are ignoring the fact they have seen them or just have not seen them
I saw them by chance as she usually wears a lot of bracelets and after i saw them i could not help but notice them

I am worried about her that no one has noticed and that her seemingly strong personality means it would be the last thing anyone would think she would do and quite happily would or have brought the cat story

OP posts:

gatheringlilac · 02/07/2012 22:04

Actually, I'd be upset if I thought someone was self-harming. I'd be in bits thinking that they probably weren't getting the support they needed/could do with. I'm not sure I could absolutely ignore it - I'd feel I was colluding with a kind of silencing of any (mental) pain they were in.

But I wouldn't know what to say or whether to say anything. I know that when I;ve felt down, even desperate, what I wanted/needed was support ... but, at the same time, if someone had offered me that support in some unexpected way, I'd have lost whatever control I had.

I think I'd have gone the route of asking, in a very private way, about the recent mark, in a way that left it open to be described as a cat injury, but (hopefully) in a way that suggested I;d listen/be aware. And leave it to her to show me what she wanted me to do.

In a way, you've done that, and she's told you how to take it.

REalistically, you are probably not in a position to offer anything else. So, perhaps you just have to leave it there.

I'm assuming that your worries are for her not about her competence. The two issues - mental well-being and job competence - don;t sound connected at all in this case. That leads me to conclude you are worried about her.

It is hard to not leap in, though. A friend of mine self-harmed for a long period. She was talking about things with a counsellor, and I guess my position was just to be a friend and hope things would get better.

Selks · 02/07/2012 22:05

I don't think this is any of your business OP. Whether she is getting help or not is not your business either. She may have help; she may not want help.
She is at work when you see her and trying to do her job. Just let her get on with it and don't embarrass her by your concern.
It's not your role to facilitate help for her; she is an adult and can choose to access help herself if she wants to.

gatheringlilac · 02/07/2012 22:07

I know just what you mean, savlonqueen. I once saw a teenage boy at a festival, with bleeding self-harm marks. I'd just had ds and I had to forcibly stop myself from funning up to him and just hugging him. He was with his mates and there is no way that would have gone well. I still think about it.

WorraLiberty · 02/07/2012 22:09

Seriously, if you can see the scars what makes you think the people who work 8/10hrs a day with her can't?

You could do more harm than good to be honest and wreck her self esteem by pointing them out.

If she has self loathing for example, the fact the parent of one of the kids in her care notices and speaks to either her or her boss, could do a lot more harm than good.

I know you mean well but I wouldn't get involved here.

If you can see the scars, you can bet your life her colleagues can too.

gatheringlilac · 02/07/2012 22:13

You know, there is the issue of "privacy", things being "none of our business" - all true - and then there are situations like people lying dead in houses, for months on end, undisturbed, unfound, alone. In that latter situation there's always a little public breast-beating and bleating about anomie, and the death of community.

I.m.o. it's a wobbly, shifting boundary. It's not set hard and fast - this is always private; in this situation it's OK to show care and compassion and concern for someone we don't, strictly speaking, "know - we have to negotiate the boundary again, and again, in individual circumstances. Sometimes we get it wrong, sometimes we get it right. All we can do is accept it's difficult, and try.

I'm not going to tell you you're a nosy, interfering, busybody just because you care, savlonqueen.

SauvignonBlanche · 02/07/2012 22:14

There isn't a 'typical' self-harmer.
I wouldn't speak to her manager.

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