To be fuming at my partner.

[BlackEyed]

It's half one in the morning. Me and DP have a 5 week old baby so obviously sleepless nights etc. I am breastfeeding and doing all night feeds so doubly exhausted.

Have just been woken up by phone ringing, at half one assume something important, after all who would call someone with a newborn at that time.

It's DP mum who has had a panic attack. She lives with her adult son who is home in bed but rather than wake him clearly feels disturbing our tiny amount of sleep is the thing to do.

I pass the phone to DP expecting her to tell her mum not to phone at.this time, has woken us up etc. but no DP not only says it's ok for ringing but says to ring again if she needs anything, wtf!

I'm so annoyed that DP is so obsessed with treating her own mum like a child (saying don't worry, will ring you in morning etc.) that she doesn't give a Fuck that my tiny amount of sleep has been disturbed.

It takes me ages to get back asleep once awake and baby is due a feed soon so hardly seems worth it.

I'm at the end of my tether, I really thought having our own child would make DP realise how unhealthy her relationship with her mother is but clearly not. I'm sick of being second priority now and am starting to think it's time to walk away.

DP is now sleeping in another bed and thinks I'm wrong to feel like this

So AIBU to think that MIL should not have rang and AIBU to be fuming at DP for enabling this behaviour?

[BlackEyed]

Also pissed off that when I was telling DP that I was fucking fuming, she simply said "whatever" and "will talk about this in the morning".

Clearly half one is too late to discus my problem but her fucking mother can wake her up at all hours and that's just fine.

[IpodMermaid]

Sleep is everything isn't it? Everything.
She probably sees you with your own family and home as the really capable ones, and you are. Your baby is 5 weeks old and still alive! It's so hard.

It's bloody annoying that the at home son is obviously not much help but comforting, for you and her, that your DP is the responsible family-type.

You are all tored and hopefully, in about 7 weeks this will be annoying but not so unreasonable as you feel now. Try and get to sleep now.
x

[AgentZigzag]

She obviously gets a lot of support from your DP.

If he's still reassuring her it's OK though, the responsibility lies for that with him.

If she gets things out of perspective and they overwhelm her, it's not really her fault she can't make a rational decision to not call someone who's made her feel they're on call all the time for her.

If you want it to stop you'll have to be clearer with him and he'll have to be clearer with her.

It's really not fair on you at all.

[AgentZigzag]

Is the son living at home less use than a chocolate teapot by any chance?

[BlackEyed]

Yeah it is I'm exhausted. It's clearly fine for DP who gets to have much more sleep than I do.

Without drip feeding this is not a first time event. MIL has a habit of this type of behaviour and DP always goes running without a thought for anyone else.

[AgentZigzag]

Sorry, assumed your DP was a he.

I'm blaming it on skim reading and a whole host of assumptions

[AgentZigzag]

Oh, and gin, that's got to take a lot of responsibility.

[mumblechum1]

I think you really need to tell him that his mother needs to be a lot more independent, it's unacceptable for him to be at her beck and call.

And in future, I'd be unplugging the phone at night!

[BlackEyed]

Dp won't be clear with MIL. She's basically been the adult in the relationship since a teen and doesn't consider how this impacts on me and the children (we have 3 as I have 2 from a previous relationship). To be honest I don't think she cares either.

[mumblechum1]

Oops sorry, just realised your dp is a woman! But still unplug the phone at night

[AgentZigzag]

She doesn't want to hurt her mum, but that doesn't mean she's deliberately setting out to hurt you though.

Could she feel caught between a rock and a hard place?

If her mum's depended on her for so long, I can imagine that'd make her feel very guilty and responsible to keep up some semblance of support, which would make her feel very guilty and responsible for trying not to let it impact on the life she has with you.

What does she say when you try to bring the subject up?

[AllYoursBabooshka]

Her mum had a panic attack, Her daughter helps her sometimes with this. You are selfish.

If you guys needed her mum at 1:30 I bet you wouldn't hesitate to call.

[BlackEyed]

She gets all defensive, can't see the problem and basically tells me I'm being a bitch.

I can't do it anymore, I've had 5 years of being second to mummy and have had enough.

I know I'm tired and emotional right now but it's clear DP is never going to put a stop to this and I can't live like this.

Like I said this isn't a first. Classic examples of past behaviour include DP cancelling our anniversary meal as MIL had a bad chest, leaving us with LITERALLY not a penny as Lent the only money we had to MIL. Invited her along to our holiday (our first one) as MIL can't afford one and yes we paid despite both being out of work ourselves at the time.

[AgentZigzag]

Your MIL seems to be just a bit player in the larger picture.

It's about how your DP treats you, not consulting or asking you about including her mum, leaving you short of cash when her mum needs it, these aren't things people in a relationship normally do (usually, IMO).

They talk about things before changing plans/lending money, and take the other person into consideration.

You've been left feeling she's choosing her mum above you every time, which must hurt.

[BlackEyed]

I wouldn't call anyone at 1.30 unless it was life or death.

Dp suffers from panic attacks (thanks to MIL scaring her half to death with her own fears from a very young age, but that's a whole other thread) and DP never calls her mum. It's me who calms her and deals with it.

Mil does nothing in return, she honestly is like a child. We phone and sort her debts, tell her what to pay and when, talk to her partner for her when they fall out, lend her money, run errands, pick up her prescriptions, make her doctors appointments and take her to them etc.

She is a full time job!
In fact the reason why Dp currently has no job is was fired for having too much sick leave. All used for taking care of her mum every time she has a cold, cough etc. If she is ill DP moves in with her until she recovers.

[Dprince]

Ifs been going on for 5 years, did you not think of this before you had a baby? Having children doesn't fix all you relationship problems.

[ZillionChocolate]

YANBU for being pissed off at having the small amount of sleep you're getting disturbed. YABU for starting a row about it in the night. All your partner is trying to do is be a good daughter and a good partner; can't you see that she is torn? If MiL was having a panic attack then by its very nature she will behave irrationally, that might include calling people who could really do with their sleep.

It sounds like you and your partner need to have a proper discussion about how much you can give to MiL (in terms of time and resources) and look at redefining some boundaries. If you start off having a go at your partner and slagging off her mother, it will not end well.

[pictish]

Yabu about the late night phone call, but NOT unreasonable overall...I see you have reached the end of your tether and have exploded over something minor.

[iscream]

Just unplug the phone at night. Sorry if that isn't much help, that's what's we'd do though.

[pictish]

I have to be honest here though....I suffered dire panic attacks years ago, they were very frightening and I lived alone. That said, I would not have dreamed of calling anyone in the middle of the night because of them....particularly not someone with a baby in the house!

It's either the case that your dp's mum is entirely focused on her own needs abd does nit care who she disturbs and when....OR your dp tolerates this behaviour to the point where her mother thinks it's ok.

[RedHelenB]

Cat napping is so worth it - having a baby teaches you to grab what sleep you can!!!

[JumpingThroughHoops]

Someone once said the mark of a man is how he treats his mother, because that is how he will treat you.

[GiserableMitt]

Can you apply the same logic to women Jumping? :)

[NotGeoffVader]

I think your DP needs to have strong words with her brother. Whilst panic attacks are nasty (suffered them some years ago), the two of you need time to settle with the new baby. DP needs to put you and the new arrival ahead of her mother at the moment.

[ENormaSnob]

Yanbu

The apron strings need to be cut or the relationship is over IMO.