to expect at least a curtosy text message?

[ithastobeNAICEham]

Bit of a back story here: me and my DD's father broke up when she was three months old. Ever since then he has given me maintenance for her every other thursday and has only missed payments when he has been out of work and couldn't afford to give me anything, instead his wife (married when my DD was 2) gave me half of what he paid me and my DDs dad would get her anything she needed (and get a tenners worth of shopping for my home a week. More than acceptable and up until yesterday there has only ever been one instance where he hasn't done what was arranged and one time where he didn't bacs transfer the money over.

So far very acceptable... However, yesterday was my DD's birthday and the day where I was expecting the maintenance. As I've had some personal finance issues over the past few weeks I've not been able to put any money away for her birthday. So I budgeted putting this payment away and taking her for a pamper day (she turned 8 and is getting into things like having her nails painted, having a style in her hair etc).

Early yesterday I went on to internet banking to transfer some money in from another account and the maintenance wasn't there... I phoned her dad for an explanation and he told me that he wasn't getting paid this week due to some reason and he wouldn't be able to transfer anything until monday... I asked him if he knew he wasn't getting paid and he said "yeh, of course" so I asked him why he didn't let me know? He said he had thought about it but decided against it. I have made him aware of the situation I am in and when he saw out DD this weekend I asked him if he wanted to contribute to any of our plans and he agreed to pay towards having her ears pierced and said he would 'just lump it in with thursdays money'

Needless to say, yesterday my DD was upset that we had to spend all morning trying and begging family to help and luckily I managed to get enough money towards the day and we had a good day in the end.

I'm just peeved that she very nearly didn't get the day she wanted, thanks to her father being an idiot...

Sorry this is so long and ranty, but I don't think I am bu to expect to made awaare of things like this??

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's not unreasonable to expect to be told in advance but, if the payments are sporadic and variable, you probably ought not to rely on them as regular income. Base your budget expenditure mostly around the money you earn or get in tax credits and then you are 100% certain what you can and can't afford. Less stressful.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Actually YABU!

Obv I dont know the history but he doesnt sound like an idiot, it sounds like he is usually good with maintenance and this is an unusual occurence.

Not being harsh but if you spent half the day begging for the money, you probably shouldnt have given her such an expensive present anyway and at 8 years old she is old enough to not get upset and realise that if you cant afford it you cant afford it!

What difference would it have made if you ex had texted and let you know?? You would just have begged family for money a bit earlier or would you have cancelled it?

[JoanOfNark]

have to say YABU. I wouldn't let my 8 year old know I was begging for money for her birthday treat, its all very unseemly. I would have budgeted for a gift over the last few months and not gone on days out I couldn't afford.

[anastaisia]

Where does it say the payments are sporadic and variable? I read: "up until yesterday there has only ever been one instance where he hasn't done what was arranged and one time where he didn't bacs transfer the money over."

And he clearly stated that he was intending to transfer maintenance + some money towards a birthday treat in 'Thursdays money'

YANBU, it seems very strange that if he's usually reliable, and you have an agreement that generally works ok, and he knows you're in some difficulty yourself, and that both you and he had been expecting a payment on the Thursday that he should have let you know if there was a change in plan.

[AKMD]

YANBU to be annoyed that he didn't warn you in advance but YABU to have upset your DD by begging for money from other relations. That's a bit yuck.

[ithastobeNAICEham]

Cog - the payments are usually spot on time... Its very unusual for him to miss and he will usually let me know... Hence why I'm a bit peeved off.

Betty - he is good with the maintenance. That's why this was such a shock. I only asked family for £40 to cover the day and I don't see this as a massive amount for her bday. I'd probably pay double that normally.

If he had let me know earlier I could of cancelled the day and arranged something in its place. Rather than finding out on the day that I can't.

[LynetteScavo]

I think he didn't tell you because he thought you would be cross and give him grief.

He got that anyway, it was just delayed.

[AKE2012]

A text message would have been nice. Especially if he is usually on time with his payments. I dont plan in maintenance coz mine isnt regular. I would count yourself very lucky that ur child seems to hav a decent dad.
You mayb should have jus explained to your child that something came up and that u would have to do it another day.

[ScarlettInSpace]

Sorry but I think YABU to say its your ex's fault she wasn't going to get a treat you'd promised her knowing you couldn't afford it.

Maintainance is to contribute to her upkeep and wellbeing, food, clothes, school related activities & I don't see it should be banked on for treats and extras.

[ithastobeNAICEham]

Sorry xposted

Joan and AKMD- I asked family to help out while I was out of the way, sorry should of made that clearer in my op. My DD was anxious to get going and make a start with the day after she had her breakfast, however, I had to make excuses not to while I tried to get something sorted.

As I have been struggling, this was the best way I could think of to give her what she wanted and give her a special day.

[OhChristFENTON]

YANBU to be annoyed not to be forewarned about the money, - but it does sound like you may have left everything a bit late with regards to her birthday plans and paying for everything.

What if he had the money but there was a bank problem (not unheard of) you couldn't really have blamed him then.

Just put it down to experience and be prepared for a problem in future, belt and braces and all that.

I'm glad your daughter's day wasn't ruined.

[toobreathless]

It is unfortunate that he didn't text you before if he knew he wouldn't be able to make the payment so on that respect YANBU.

I don't think £40 is an unreasonable amount to spend either.

It would probably be wise to have more of a financial cushion to cover things like this but I appreciate that times are tough.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Yabu.
Your daughters birthday should come as no surprise to you. If you are so broke you have been unable to save up, and you you have to rely on maintenance money you need to rethink your life. Also, if you know you are this broke, why do you give your daughter high expectations for a pamper day out?
Utter madness.

Do you work?

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

£40 isnt a massive amount at all but for me the point is that if I didnt even have £40 and I had to beg for some money I wouldnt be spending it on a b/day treat for my DC! If you are that skint and are relying on maintenance then its just madness.....what if he hadnt paid at all and you had spent that £40 on a papmer day?? How would you be eating, paying bills etc etc?

[FormerlyTitledUntidy]

YANBU, to think a text would have been good but as others have said, you should look at how money is spent.
If you have to beg for money for a day out (meaning you yourself had no more money?) then £40 on a day out is extavagent. Do you have no other money now? What if there is an emergency? What if you need to buy food?

[FormerlyTitledUntidy]

*extravagant

[Birdsgottafly]

You should have budgeted better for her Birthday,but lesson learned.

However he should have let you know, in advance if there is going to be a problem with transfering money.

The problem with asking on MN is that many posters have disposable income, so don't fully understand or count Birthdays as 'extra's' and not a normal part of childhood that should happen.

So he was prepared to not give her anything for her Birthday? He should have also budgeted for this in advance.

Even children brought up on income support get something for their birthday.

In regards to asking your family, i don't see a problem with that, iwould gladly helpout a relative if they needed it.

I wouldn't kick up a fuss but ask him to let you know next time.

[porcamiseria]

Hmmm

I think you should maybe try and budget a bit better to avoid this happening again, as it might!

hand on heart, how well do you manage your money? become 10000% anal about every penny and its horrible to have this hand in heart type scenario

[porcamiseria]

I hope that did not sound shitty, but really try and save even a small amount as you will feel better to have a small fund for emergencies, whatever you can manage

This is a anal/security thing, not a "rich thing"

Bit it amazes me how many people say they are skint, have no savings, then buy cack all the time !

[HecateTrivia]

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

A certain amount of money is due to you on a certain day and you budget accordingly.

To say that you are wrong for doing that is really no different for saying that you're wrong for budgeting for your wages being the amount they are supposed to be, coming in on the day they're supposed to come in and you planning what to do with that money.

you worked on the assumption that you would have the money that your daughter is entitled to have, on the day she is entitled to have it, because he didn't let you know that wasn't going to happen.

That's his fault, not yours. sometimes you're in a situation where you have to work day to day with the money, and aren't able to put any aside. You aren't being unreasonable to expect to count on getting what you are supposed to be getting!

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I thought YANBU about him letting you know. A text message just seems like basic politeness to me, especially since this is his daughter and you have an arrangement. I'd see it as being similar to the way that, if he could not keep an arrangement to see her, he should let you know.

It doesn't seem awful he's had a rare money problem - but he should have let you know in advance and it does seem thoughtless given the timing.

[NovackNGood]

Was it a school holiday yesterday. If you are so poor why are you giving an 8 year old a ´pamper day´. And why would an 8 year old be getting into that sort of thing? If you don´t have the income to live that kind of lifestyle why waste your money on trying.

[catfart]

I think you ABU and should have had something lined up, like others say budgeted a bit better, you say he's pretty good making payments usually and he's having money problems, timings not great but I'd cut some slack.

Personally, rather than traipsing round begging (your word not mine) family to get money (not nice for your daughter) why not just do something fun like make a birthday cake with her, do what you had lined up on the weekend.

I'm afraid the pamper thing with ear piercing sounds, nail painting etc pretty hideous to me.....but thats a whole different thread I guess.

[awaywego1]

Yanbu. He should have let you know. You rely on his money because he is the father, in the same way that other people rely on a resident parents salary. There's a lot of snobbery on this thread, the content of the birthday gift is irrelevant. You had budgeted for the birthday and had been let down.
I hope she had a nice day

[ithastobeNAICEham]

As so many have posted in the last couple of hours I will try and answer you all in one post.

I am unable to work as I am in need of a new knee and have a couple of other health issues along side this and as the sector I used to work in means I have to be on my feet for most of the day, this leaves me unable to work.

My DD's step mum and my DSis work in the beauty industry and the piercing was done by a friend at a discount. The nails and hair was done by my Dsis, booked in previously. This is what my DD wanted.

I did budget for this day, using the maintenaance. As previously stated, her dad has not done this before, and if he has any issues he has been able to let me know prior.

Normally I am on top of my money, as I have a relatively small amount to live on, I don't have the chaance to go mad for birthdays, however, this past few months there have been a few extra expenses (more hospital appts, my gas bill was bigger than expected and a few other things) have made this past 2 months difficult money wise and I budgeted around getting this money on the day.