to think that baby DD shouldn't have people who resent her at her christening?

[MrsHuxtable]

To cut a long story short, a couple of years ago I fell out with my cousin after she had behaved appallingly towards me. Tbh, she had been looking down on me my whole life but since her mum always did the same and my mum never did anything about it when I was little, I just accepted the status quo and thought they were right, that I wasn't as good as them. In fact, my cousin used to be one of my best friends.
The huge fall-out came after my cousin had stayed with us for a holiday and DH took her aside on the way to the airport to tell her that he would no longer accept her treatment of me and that she wasn't welcome in our home anymore until she apologized for how she behaved during her stay.
Now, the woman is in her mid thirties so you'd think that this is her issue and has nothing to do with her mum (but then her mum who's almost 70! still does all her laundry by hand! and cooks her a 3 course meal everyday) but my aunt took it personally so now she hates my DH as well. Fair enough.

Earlier this year, our DD was born and while both my cousin and aunt got over themselves and send me a card and gift, the cards were very obviously only addressed to me, not aknowledging DH in the slightest. Also fair enough.
But now my mum keeps telling me about snide remarks my aunt and cousin are making about my DD. I don't know what exactly they are saying as my mum is notoriously bad for repeating stories iykwim and I have to prise information out of her. I think they are jeaolus. DD is my granny's first great grandchild and since she has bad dementia, she will be the only one that granny consciously gets to meet in a few weeks and so she carries around a few pictures of DD and proudly talks about her. It's lovely.

We live in the UK but I'm from abroad and while I go home for a few weeks in the summer DD will be christened. My mum insists on my aunt and cousin being invited and since I'm also inviting my dad's siblings I only thought it was right. But last night my mum admitted that my aunt and cousin had again said something snippy about DD, DH and me at a recent family gathering and I'm now starting to think that no, actually, why should DD have someone at her christening who openly dislikes her. I mean, who dislikes a baby ffs? The other thing is that my mum never protected me from my aunt's attutide of being superior which lead to huge issues of feeling inferior for me and I want to shield my DD from that. I want to make a stand, be a parent and say that only people who care about this baby whould be part of her christening.

Am I being unreasonable?

[MyRoyalLentillyness]

FWIW I'd tell my Mum to just shut up in future about what they may or may not have said and I'd also tell her that who comes to DD's christening is entirely up to the parents and nobody else. Then I'd not invite the aunt and cousin - why do you need toxic people like that around you? Sounds to me a bit like your Mum might be kind of enjoying stirring it up a bit but whatever - you, your DH and DD do not need people like this in your lives.

[cory]

If your mother can't even remember what she's said I'm not sure this counts as openly disliking her. I would at least consider the alternative options that:

a) your mum might be stirring here

b) your mum might be one of those doting grandmothers who take anything short of outright adoration as a snippy remark and who will insist on talking for hours about this one subject only

(remembering my SIL who was convinced her baby was the wonder of the world and took exception to any flagging of attention on the part of her audience)

In my case, I have found it worthwhile to keep on good terms with all members of family because you never know who might develop a really good relationship with your dc in later years- funnily enough one of the people who gets on best with dd now she is a teen is that very SIL/aunt who devoted years to hinting that her baby was in every way superior. So any shielding wouldn't have benefitted dd in the long run.

[puds11]

If you dont want them there, dont invite them. It's your call. If they ask why, then just say 'after years of treating me and my DH like shit, i have decided that i do not wish for you to attend'. Job done.

[GrahamTribe]

I never get why this sort of thing comes up so frequently on MN or why it's so difficult. Far too many grown up people are letting others rule their lives imho.

It doesn't matter who said what or who was right or wrong, that's all immaterial. You (i.e. you and DH) get to choose who's coming to your event. No-one else. You. And you don't need to invite Uncle Peter because Mother will be upset or Cousin Jane because you've invited her brother - you only need to invite the people you like and you want to include in your celebration.

[cory]

I have probably in irritation let drop what my SIL would take as snippy remarks about dn over the years (along the lines that he is no more remarkable than any other baby); fortunately my mum has the good sense not to repeat things that should not be repeated- and this does not preclude that I am actually very fond of my dn and on excellent terms with him.

[BlueBirdsNest]

Everything you are hearing is second hand

Perhaps your Mum doesn't want you to resolve the issues with your Aunt & Cousin as she has her own problems with them?

I'm sure they don't dislike your daughter, it just sounds like family politics and chinese whispers?

If you don't want them to be there you have every right not to invite them

Personally, unless I felt really uncomfortable with the people I'd invite them as they are family and sometimes it's just the easier and nicer thing to do

[Froggydog]

Is your daughter Sleeping Beauty?

[KittieCat]

Don't think I could put it better than GrahamTribe has. I've had issues with ILs trying to dictate what DH and I do and (IMHO) being too free and strident with their opinions.

Do what is right for you, DH and your DD. Anyone worth their salt will appreciate that and, even if they voice disapproval, accept that you're doing what makes you happy and this, within reason, is as it should be.

Enjoy the day and please don't let anyone spoil it for your new family.

[sherbetpips]

First things first no one hates or dislikes the baby. The baby is simply a vehicle that can be used to wind you all up. If having them there will make you and your dh uncomfortable then do not invite them. Your dh made it clear that an apology had to be issued before they could see you again and you need to stick with that. Your are a grown up and no longer have to do everything your rather gossipy mum says (I have a similarly gossipy MIL who takes pleasure in telling us all the nasty comments people make about us).

[HecateTrivia]

Your mum doesn't get to 'insist' anything. This is not her choice and you need to make sure she knows that.

I wouldn't have them there either.

[MrsHuxtable]

I don't think my mum is trying to stir things up, if anything the opposite. It's not like she's saying " X has said Y" in an outraged way. It's more like she's disappointed. Because I've been telling her for years how toxic my cousin and aunt are and she's always been defending them, saying I was wrong etc. Now all has changed as my granny has to move into a care home and my aunt and cousin are really cold about it. So now it happens more and more that my mum says in a sad way " I was shocked today when aunt/cousin said ....". So it's more her realising that what I and other people have said for years is actually true. That they are simply not nice people who are incapable of liking anyone besides themselves.

You lot have made me think though. Maybe I should just have them there for the sake of my granny because she's wonder what was going on in the family otherwise and I don't want her to worry.

Maybe I'm lucky and they are away on holiday...

[MushroomSoup]

Let me get this right. Your DH had words with her because if her treatment of you and asked for an apology to be made. (Good old DH!)
For me it would all depend if you ever actually GOT one. If not it does seem disrespectful to invite them.

[MrsHuxtable]

No, never got an apology because in order to do that my cousin would have to consider that maybe her behaviour wasn't ok, which she's not capable of. My aunt and her are perfect, you see. They don't make mistakes.

[DeckSwabber]

Family politics do my head in.....

My advice would be to think ahead a few years when you not inviting these people to the Chrsitening becomes part of family folklore... and the reasons why have been long forgotten.

[MushroomSoup]

If you never got an apology why would you invite them? Having them there would piss me off loads if I was your DH!

[2Old2BeABluePeterPresenter]

My Nan was like this and My Aunt and Uncle ended up missing my christening. Talk to your cousin and Aunt directly. Lay it down straight. If they have an issue then make up your mind if you want them there, it's your daughters day after all.

[fedupofnamechanging]

It is not your mum's business who you invite or don't invite to your dd's christening. If she was my mum I'd be telling her that she was wrong to let your aunt and cousin treat you badly over the years and you will not be making the same mistake with your daughter. A child looks to it's parents to defend it against all things and to do right by it - your mum failed you, in this respect and I'd be telling her to keep her nose out of it, when it comes to invitations.

There's an expression, I read on MN, which is 'do what you've always done and get what you've always got'. Time to change the pattern of behaviour here, i think.

I would cut ties with both aunt and cousin - life is too short to tolerate people who bitch about you behind your back. And i would not tolerate someone snubbing my dh, because he stood up for me. If you let that happen, then you are as bad as your mother.

[cory]

One thing I would consider is that this is not actually your do; in a sense it is your dd's first party- it is about introducing her to the family, with whom she will developing her separate relationship which may not resemble the relationship you have with individual members.

My mum really disliked my gran and for good reasons- there was history there- but I got on quite well with her so had reason to be grateful that she was not excluded. I did resent it on the occasions when my mum expected her relationship with my gran (and things said before I had even been born) to impact on my relationship; if I had known the expression (and had the nerve) I would have told mum this wasn't about her.

[Floggingmolly]

Absolutely, Graham, well said.

[Longdistance]

Just don't invite them at all and, tell your mum that you're not interested in what they have said.
Good on your dh though.
Your cousin and aunt should apologise, they're a pair of bitches. Sorry!

[KitCat26]

Don't invite them.

They are not acknowledging your DH! He stuck up for you and now you need to back him up. They don't even sound like nice people who you would want your DC to know.

No way would anyone get an invite to a party of ours if they weren't on speaking (let alone good) terms with me or my dh, thats nuts!

[quoteunquote]

Surely a christening is an event where you are joining someone to Christian practices,

I thought that there were some very specific teachings on how christians were meant to behave towards others, (cheek turning and all that)

Unless perhaps you don't whole heartily believe in the teachings, then maybe you should just have a party instead to celebrate your child joining the human race.

[raspberryroop]

Agree with Kitcat - Your DH stood up for you you now need to do the same and as for the Christain stuff - meh

[MrsHuxtable]

I don't think DH would be comfortable with chosing. He can't stand the sight of them, thinks they have no values etc but is very much over the whole issue. I never told him what my mum said though. If he knew he'd hit the roof.

It's not even the whole family coming (my mum's twin brother for example won't be invited either) and it was actually my mum's idea to keep the whole affair as simple and small as possible. So it wouldn't be an issue of an individual person being left out. Yet she insits on said aunt and cousin's presence as she does not want to rock the boat and even tried to convince me to let my cousin be DD's godmother. I explained in no uncertain terms that a godparent is meant to be a rolemodel and my cousin really does not fit that description and DH said he'd rather have the next person of the street than her.

And we are getting DD christened because of our Christian believes and not for a big party. There won't be one. It's literally the church service and then a restaurant lunch afterwards.

I also don't think DD will ever have an important relationship with either of them. They will only see her maybe once a year, if at all. She's got 5 lovely aunts who dote on her. Evil witches are not needed.

I'm in two minds now. On the one side, I think they shouldn't be there. Firstly because I think it would be really awkward for DH and secondly, out of principle. I'd rather DD's christening was a small informal event with the people that care about her.
But then, there's my granny to consider. We're already really lucky if she is still lucid enough in August to take part in the christening so it would be a shame but then again... her other son won't be there either.
Maybe if my aunt was there and saw DH and me with DD, she'd actually see that we are lovely parents and stop her comments?

I'm thinking out aloud here.