To set 'rules' for grandparents minding DD?

[casskittens]

This is my first post and as such I will give a bit of back ground info. I am a first time mum to a 6mth old and have a history of bouts of depression, anxiety and panic attacks.

Throughout my pregnancy I went through CBT in order to be confident enough to attempT a natural drug free birth, for which I am extremely grateful. I had lost a pregnancy before this one.

I am returning to work soon and would like a local childminder to watch DD as then I feel I will have more 'say' in how she is cared for. However, both sets of grandparents are desperate to 'have' her and my DH thinks I'm being a) ungrateful of their help and b) silly to waste the money on a CM when she is better with people she knows...

My mother is really controlling and passive aggressive at times. DH's parents, whom I care about greatly, are much less mobile and a lot older which causes me to worry.

The stupid thing is that I'm not actually returning to work for another 4 months and this is already causing me to lose sleep and rows with DH.

For the record, I LOVE being a mum and it is everything I had hoped for and much more.

I would really appreciate some direct replies... Do I go with grandparents and relinquish the 'control' I feel I need, or do I got with a CM?
(and do you think this is just my anxiety rearing it's ugly head again?)

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

If it is important that whoever looks after your DD follows your rules I would go with a CM. I am in the same situation some years down the line and it has caused problems with my relative thinking she knows better and actually affected our relationship..it would be easier now to use childcare for DD but my relative enjoys watching her so we are stuck in a difficult situation, which I wish I had not entered into.

[cory]

I would say go with the childminder, but accept that you won't have total control over her either.

Most likely she will have her own routines and your dd will be one of several mindees, so will have to fit in with the needs of other children as well.

But it should be easier to discuss these questions calmly with a professional and you won't have to worry about causing a rift in the family every time you have different opinions about something.

[NarkedPuffin]

'a history of bouts of depression, anxiety and panic attacks'*

I think you need to remind your DH of that. He needs to back off. All he's doing at the moment is increasing your stress levels.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You don't have to 'relinquish control' with grandparents. There will be a degree of compromise, of course, but if you approach it as you would with a paid childminder and talk to them about how you'd like your baby to be cared for, ou should be able to reach an agreement.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Her mother is apparently controlling though, so i would argue that she WOULD have to relinquish at least some control.

[knowitallstrikesagain]

It depends what your 'rules' are. If they are reasonable and achievable, such as 'DD must only drink milk/water, no fizzy drinks' or 'DD must be put down for a nap of no longer than 2 hours some time during the day' then the GPs may be able to handle them with no problem.

If your rules are relating to specific times and activities, you would be hard pushed to find even a CM who would suit. You might need to look into getting a nanny.

If you think in your heart that your rules are to do with your history and are based on paranoia/something that would actually be beneficial to challange, how about a CM part of the time and 1 day each for the GPs. This would force you to be a bit more flexible and trusting, but I am basing this on the fact that you like to be in control and it may be a good thing for you to relinquish a little bit of control with your DD in a safe and happy environment.

I hope you come to a decision which enables you to relax and sleep!

[Flisspaps]

You won't have control over a CM. They may try to accommodate your wishes but we set our own rules and routines generally. You may find one who does things the way you like, you may not.

If you want things doing a particular way,
you'll need a nanny.

I certainly wouldn't be using controlling, PA or physically fragile grandparents just to keep the peace. It's not worth saving the money to gain arguments, worry or bad feeling.

[maybenow]

I think you may want to use a CM for some of the time but perhaps have the grandparents 'help' for one afternoon each per week or something similar - so it's more like a 'visit' than 'childcare'.

BUT... it's important that this is not a big source of stress now, four months ahead of time.. why not tell everybody (GPs, DH etc) that there will be some combination of GPs and CMs and they should wait while you start looking at CMs and work out the best combination of days/times etc. And tell your DH to stop stressng you out!

[WorraLiberty]

I'd go with a CM

That way your parents and inlaws can have a proper GP relationship with your DD.

I think when GPs are actually given the 'job' of child minder, it can cause more problems than it will ever solve.

[goingeversoslowlymad]

Can you not split the time with your relatives and a chilminder? That wouldn't cost as much but wouldn't give your mum total control or feel like you were over exerting your in-laws. How many days are you going back to work for? Maybe do 2 days with a cm and 1 day each with relatives. Also give a strict routine to your mum and say it has to be adhered to because thats what everyone is sticking to.

[Ithinkitsjustme]

Why not get a childminder for when you are in but ask parents to babysit on a regular basis so you and DP can have some time together, maybe once a week on a rota. That way, if health/ age issues arise it's not such a big deal, and it would be for a shorter period of time.

[PerimenopausalMyArse]

I think you need to realize that once you leave your child with anyone you no longer have total control, so you need to think about what level of control makes you feel ok.

With a CM it is a professional relationship so in theory it is easier to ask for what you want, but as someone else has said your child probably won't be the only one so will have to "fit in" to a certain extent, and it may not be as easy as you first think to speak up if you are unhappy for lots of reasons - you may not want to rock the boat, you might be afraid that if you complain your child will be treated less favourably, etc.

Grandparents bring their own problems, but the upside is YOUR child will be their no. 1 and only focus. They will also not be around forever and a relationship between a child and her/his grandparents is a precious thing that will leave your child with wonderful memories. My DS1 had the benefit of four healthy grandparents, by the time DD came along two of them were dead and one in long term care.

At the end of the day it is your decision, but the only way to retain total control is to look after her yourself which may not be an option.

[Jamdoughnutfiend]

Which ever method of childcare you choose you will have to relinquish control to a degree. A childminder will follow your wishes to a point, but they have other children's needs/parents wishes to consider. Would you consider a nanny? You can set the routines/activities then and have final say on what/how things are done. Downside of course is cost!

Try not to get yourself in a panic about it, it is a long way off and you have time to discuss it with your DH and find the right way for you both - try not to alienate each other, easier said than done I know - am sure he wants what is best for your child as do you.

P.s I found the lack of control very difficult with PFB, but now I have 2, I realise that control is something I will never have again and I have learned to roll with it!

[DuelingFanjo]

I would use a childminder or nursery.
How old is old and doddery though?

[Longtalljosie]

Can you give us some idea of where your red lines are? What sort of rules you would like either a CM or a grandparent to keep to?

[pommedechocolat]

I am another one who can never imagine GPs as childcare for a variety of reasons. CM or nursery gets my vote.

[skybluepearl]

I think you can make a pack up so he eats what you would like him to eat, have a no sweet treats rule and a sleep time rule . You could give them money for soft play sessions and toddler groups.

What rules would you want?

[casskittens]

Thanks for the swift replies.

Some really good points and I think splitting the time between all is a great solution :)

I would have posted quicker but my connection is a bit shaky today!

The main issue I have with my parents are that this will cause conflict between me and my DM, especially as our replationship has never been fantastic. I was instructed to leave home at 19, my relationship with my dad was crap and my DM is very much of the opinion that she knows best. She wants to mind DD at theirs which I do not want.

Since becoming a mother my opinions of my parents have changed dramatically - is this normal? Did anyone else see their family in a much harsher and more critical light when they became a parent?

With regard to DH's parents it is mainly the age thing....which I feel awful about. He simply cannot see it, is it because they are HIS parents do you think?

I think there is another issue clouding my judgment I haven't yet mentioned, my own grandparents disowned my DB and I and as a child I had minimal, difficult contact with them before never seeing them again. My DH had a wonderful relationship with his....

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

I only had 1 "rule" with my DC- and that was if they went out, they had reins, or were in the buggy depending on where they went.
Not too much to ask, eh?

When MIL asked to take DS out (she asked to) we took baby DC2 out.
MIL and DS at the bus-stop on a busy road. We drove away with DC2. Luckily DS didn't see us, because he was at the roadside, she was chatting to a friend, no fecking reins being held (they were on him)
My DS can move like lightning.
I was but didn't want a row. Just made sure it wasn't repeated.

[casskittens]

Oh, and Longtall, I wish for her to be at our home, to be fed when she is hungry and cared for the way I would (which I think is impossible!)
Both sets believe in CIO and when she is hungry they often say she is just 'fussing' :(

[Longtalljosie]

How old are DH's parents?

[casskittens]

sorry, they are late 60's.

[knowitallstrikesagain]

OP from my experiences, a CM cannot always look after your child in your house, unless she is their only charge. You will need a nanny.

[Longtalljosie]

And how far away is your home from theirs? Of course, if you had a CM it would also be at the CM's home - so I wonder if this is a fair thing to ask of the grandparents unless there is a safety issue (rottweiller? Steep drop?) you're especially concerned about?

At 6 months, she will soon settle into a more predictable routine for eating so I wouldn't worry too much about that. How long has she been weaned for? Are you just starting or did you start a little earlier?

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Late 60's isn't too old to look after your DD unless they have health problems. My DP have had both of mine for one day a week, (not together though). They stopped having DD last September, DDad is 81 and DM was 76. They coped for one day fine. DH's parents had her one day a week also and they are about 5 years younger. Both sets have very strong bonds with the children and were happy to follow simple rules like only water or milk to drink and nap lengths.

You can try to find a CM that fits your parenting style but the baby will have to fit in with other chldren and routines. Agree with others that if you want complete control you need a nanny.

If you are having so much anxiety over this I think you may need to see your GP and ask for some more counselling. Getting stressed over returning to work is normal but loosing sleep and having rows for 4 months isn't healthy for anyone.