To be reluctant to invite ds's mate over

[kalia]

I have posted on here before about this.
However ds has two good friends at school and I have always invited them both over in after school sleepovers etc.
I have always equaled it out fairly inviting one shortly after the other.
The invites back are not very often reciporcated but I have genreally accepted thinking they are busy etc.
The one in particular keeps saying she will invite ds over but it never happens.
I have noticed that the other two boys friendship has grown a little closer but thats fine by me they are entitled to develop their own friendships.
The problem is that over a week ago I text the mother of the lad who is always promising to invite ds over asking if her ds would like to come and I never got a reply which I thought unusual as she always texts me back quickly and her ds is always keen to come to ours.
That day on picking ds up from school ds told me the two boys where having a sleepover together at this lads I invited over again hence why I never got a reply to my text.
I know that the two lads have had a few get togethers of late and I feel a bit hurt because I am wondering where me and ds go wrong that he doesn,t get the invited despite us inviting the two lads over alot and yet they don,t seem to make time for ds to come.
I feel I should hang back a while on inviting this one lad over as its obiviously become too one sided.
The problem is that ds is asking for this lad to come again and according to ds the lad is asking to come as well.
However I will admit to feeling a bit put out about the no reply to my text that day.
WWYD

[kalia]

sorry about the spelling mistakes as I have rushed it a bit as due in work shortly hope it makes sense.

[Pagwatch]

Don't let the mother being distant/sniffy/rude interfere with your Childs relationships.
If you stop inviting his friend then you are punishing the two boys just because you are irritated with the mum.

It won't be long before the boys invite each other without your involvement but if you separate the boys because of the mum you risk your son being slightly more isolated. And the mother probably couldn't care less.

Just invite the boys and ignore the mum being an arse.

[kalia]

If she had of even replied to my text saying sorry we have so and so coming tonight but would your ds like to come in the week I could have accepted that.

[Pagwatch]

Yes. She was rude.
But you would still be punishing your son because your nose is put out.

[kalia]

Thats what I thought pagwatch.
this mother is usually quite nice.
It sort of feels like her ds is not interested enough to ask for my ds to come over or that perhaps she herself prefers the other lad to my ds

[CallMeAl]

people don't reply to texts for a million reasons. You need to let that go.

[AMumInScotland]

If DS likes having this boy over, and they get on well, and you don't actually find it unpleasant or inconvenient, then I'd carry on inviting him over and not worry too much about the rest of it.

Some parents are pretty useless at returning the favour, and some parents have their own reasons for encouraging one friendship over another. It doesn't make any reflection on you or your son if this boy's mum isn't pushing to encourage the friendship - maybe the other boy's mum is useful for lifts to football practice, or some other selfish thing, or she gets on with the mum.

But don't stop your son seeing a friend just because it isn't all being kept fair, or he'll be the one losing out on a friendship which works for him.

[ripsishere]

Not a lot you can do really about the other lad being favoured. IME, children's friendships are really fluid. DD has flips where she likes M and the next day hates her. Not sure if this is a girl (or DD) thing though.

[WorraLiberty]

She might simply have forgotten to reply to the text...this is why it's always better to actually ring and speak to someone.

It's also possible that she might have thought you knew about the sleepover and were hinting heavily by inviting her son to yours?

Either way, I think you should step back a bit here and just let the kids get on with it for a while.

I feel a bit hurt because I am wondering where me and ds go wrong that he doesn,t get the invited despite us inviting the two lads over alot and yet they don,t seem to make time for ds to come

You are not going wrong anywhere because you're not one of the kids in the friendship.

I know we all want our kids to have friends etc, but there's such a thing as getting too involved in their friendships too.

Sometimes it's best to let them take their natural course.

[kalia]

I suppose I need to toughen up and I do definately get your point about punishing ds.
I does suck though and I can,t help but think what is wrong here.
So do you think I should just carry on inviting the lad over every week and for that matter should I just carry on inviting both of them in turn.
I had wondered if she has at any time felt upset about me inviting the one lad and not hers.
However as I said before I always invite them both in turn equally.

[kalia]

Worra I did wonder if she thought I was hinting but I can honestly say that I did not have a clue about the sleepover not untill ds told me that same day.

[AMumInScotland]

I don't think you'll get anywhere trying to guess what her reasons are, you're obviously very concerned about what she thinks of you and your DS, and what her son thinks of your DS, but lots of people go through life not really thinking that much about these things and she's likely one of those people.

She is doing what suits her, and would be surprised that you aren't doing the same.

What do you and your son actually want? Does he like having this boy over this often? If so, then carry on. You don't have to make it equal if that's not what suits you, but if it works then don't change it just because you are reading things into her behaviour. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to work out what she feels, and will as likely as not be wrong.

[kalia]

Yes ds does like this lad coming to ours and has been asking all this week for him to come.
Ds has said to me that the other lad as asked to come and that he feels like saying to him I havent been over your for ages how do you think I feel. He still wants him to come though.
I must add that the other two lads have only recently started to get together out of school whereas the two lads have been coming to mine for the best part of 3 years

[AMumInScotland]

If your DS wants to say something then he should say it - though maybe "you know I'd really like it if I could come to your house too sometimes" would be a more tactful way to put it. It is certainly important for children to sort out the boundaries of their own friendships as they get a bit older. You haven't really said their ages, but I'm guessing 8 or so from context? That's old enough to think about hw the relationship works and whether he is happy with that, and to challenge it if he isn't. You learn friendship by doing it, for good or bad.

[kalia]

They are actually 11 I know that alot of you say that They should be sorting it out themselves now however its always been us moms that have sorted it.
However I am aware that these two lads particularly the one are more outgoing than ds perhaps they are pushing it with their parents although the one mother is never at the school and I am never at the school I have seen the other lad hanging around this lad and his one mom at pickup time.
Ds is a bit more quiet sort of shy wouldnt push with parents and other children to get round their houses hwoever I think the other friend would.

[AMumInScotland]

11yo vary in how much they sort this stuff out for themselves, but I do think it's a bit old for you to be taking it personally if his friend is not inviting him back, or getting his mum to do it. You've done what you can to encourage his friendships, but I'd say it's time to ease back a bit on your involvement, or at least your emotional involvement, in this. If he wants to invite friends round, then it should be up to him to decide who and when - if he still needs you to pass that on rather than taking charge of it himself, then that's ok (I know the practicalities often mean the parents have to sort it out), but it's not really meant to be you sorting this out for him any more. If he's hurt by his friends behaviour, then he needs to develop strategies for dealing with that, and for telling them if he's unhappy. But you being annoyed at another boy's mum because you think she's being unfair is not really where it's at now he's this age.

I know it can be hard to disengage, but you have to start viewing this as his choices which you are involved in the practicalities of, rather than anything to do with either side's parents.