to think there is nothing wrong with my relationship and to just have walked away

[tiola]

I've been going out with my boyfriend who is 11 years younger than me for 8 months. His sister has always been a little hostile towards me but today she invited me for lunch. After about 10 minutes she asked me to look at her and then asked me what do I see in him. I replied that I love him and his caring natures etc and she laughed and became really aggressive saying I must think she was born yesterday. She proceeded to go on about how I'm 33 and he's 22 and how she wasn't going to let me take advantage of him and wasn't going to let me use him as a trophy boy (I do not in any way think of him in this way). She then said I should end it with him or that she would. At this point I told her I wasn't going to be spoken to like that and got up and walked out although I felt like lamping her to be honest.

They had very harsh childhoods their dad walked out when he was only 4 months old and their mother was often absent down the pub and even abandoned them to go on holiday for a week with some guy. She in many ways raised him and looked after him so to an extent understand her concerns towards him. Besides doing this she qualified as a doctor and he's going to become an accountant and she played a very large part in this.

[Tee2072]

I'm not sure what your asking but does your boyfriend know about this?

[pjmama]

"She then said I should end it with him or that she would." How exactly is she planning on ending your relationship for you? Presumably her brother is a grown up and has an opinion on this? I'd just completely ignore her. If she has enough influence on her brother to actually follow through on her threat, then the relationship was probably doomed anyway. Sounds worse than any MIL!

[faintpinkline]

YANBU there's nothing wrong with an age difference. DPs a lot older than me for example.

I think from what you say she's just super protective over him and is a bit OTT in wanting the best for him. Its up to him to decide who he wants a relationship with and chances are he'll tell her that. If he can't bring himself to do that and leaves you on her say so, it won't be nice but at least you'll know that he's not the right man for you.

I hope it works out for you

[BewitchedBotheredandBewildered]

Hm, very tricky. As you say, her concerns are understandable and would probably apply to an extent whoever you were, without the added consideration of your age difference.
I'm not certain from your OP if you mean you walked away from her or you have actually finished with him?

[Dawndonna]

Dh is 12 years younger than me. We met when he was 23.

[tiola]

Sorry I meant I just walked away from her and left the restaurant

[AnxiousPanxious]

I think people who work up to doing this are either incredibly controlling, or incredibly wise and prescient for reasons which aren't totally obvious at the time.

We don't know about you. I presume she thinks that once he's an accountant, you'll be on easy street to some extent?

[gnesher]

Oh come on OP its not difficult to see why she might be concerned by this arrangement. They've had a tough upbringing by the sounds of it and she has protected and nurtured him very successfully by the sounds of it. She now sees him with a woman considerably older than him, she is obviously going to have concerns about your intentions. This is amplified when she is probably aware that due to his childhood he doesn't have much experience of healthy relationships.

[Proudnscary]

Sounds like a scene from EastEnders

[BewitchedBotheredandBewildered]

Well then, are you feeling that he is a serious, long term prospect, and does he feel the same?
I don't think it's unreasonable to go to some trouble to reassure her, but the lead does need to come from him. Would he talk to her about it? And then could the three of you spend some time together so she can see how you work as a couple.

[rekite]

YABU her concerns seem perfectly valid and lets be honest its very unlikely that you'll be together long term

[BewitchedBotheredandBewildered]

Why unlikely rekite?

[rekite]

The age gap, the OP and her boyfriend are at different stages of their lives

[BewitchedBotheredandBewildered]

There's already a poster upthread who's DH is 12 years younger.
I met and married DH when we were exactly the same ages as OP and her BF -
we are celebrating 27 years this year - it can work.

[featherbag]

Don't be ridiculous rekite, not one hair of one eyebrow would've been raised if the genders were reversed. OP, tell her to piss off, make sure you tell your OH about the conversation and if you haven't already, it may be time to have 'the' conversation about how each of you see your relationship progressing?

[Tw1gl3t]

Knowing that your partner has had no real mother figure, do you not feel that your age difference IS in fact very significant?

He is looking for a safe. comfortable, mother figure. You may believe that you have an everyday relationship on which the age difference has no bearing.

What will happen when he grows up and qualifies as an accountant?
Certainly, make hay while the sun shines, but relationships of this type rarely stand the test of time. And you are certainly a direct replacement for his sister/mother rather than a natural progression into an adult relationship, no wonder she feels uneasy.

[BewitchedBotheredandBewildered]

whose?

[Tw1gl3t]

PS, my last relationship was with someone 12 years my senior. We are still good friends, but I grew up and he stayed the same.

[skybluepearl]

I think you need to let you partner know and let him talk to her about it. I don't see a problem with the age gap at all but more the fact that he is so young.

[norfolkinchance]

Just ignore her she sounds like a nutter, who needs to find something else to do with herself rather than obsess over her brother. You are a direct threat to her and she doesn't like it

[TheDetective]

I am in a long term relationship with a man who is younger than me. He was 19 when we started dating, and I was 25 with an 8 year old child. Age has never been a problem between us, we are very similar people in many areas.

His mother and sister were up in arms however. Did all kinds to stop the relationship, including telling him he was grounded (oh how I laughed at that one!).

2 1/2 years down the line, we now live together, and are expecting a baby. His mum and sister have wound their necks in, and we have a much better relationship. It took about 20 months to get there though.

I try and forget how I was treated, as really, his mother is a nice person. She is just a control freak unfortunately. If she had stopped for one moment and actually spoken to me, she may have got the reassurance that she needed. But she didn't. It is only now that she can see that all is well that she accepts us.

So, no, YANBU.

[Dawndonna]

rekite 20 years and 3 children later, we are still very much together.

[gargent]

I'd run a mile if Iwere you OP, I once went out with a guy who was virtually inseperable with his older sister. She was similar to this guys sister and it was very weird at times. I ended it when he got hit in the balls by a football at a barbeque and she looked like she was going to try and rub them better before she remembered where she was and just hugged him. They've both probably been badly damaged by their childhood and thats always going to make it difficult, added to the fact that she will probably be successful in breaking you up should she carry through her threats.

[ArtVandelay]

She sounds like a basically good person whos had a very hard life and doesn't trust people as a result of. Thats very hard as she's obviously very involved having cared so much. It still doesn't give her the right to judge you though.

[bobbledunk]

If you get along well, like each other, are attracted to each other and enjoy each others company then you should ignore the sister and continue enjoying each other. That's what life's about.