Help with MIL problem....(229 Posts)
Christmas 2010 we went to the PIL a 5 hour drive away. This way my idea. Things have often been fraught between me and MIL but I was trying to please.
So we arrived to find them out. We had travelled 5 hours in a car with lots of luggage/presents a 3 and 4 year old. NIGHTMARE.
They were busy so we settled ourselves in our hotel. Hotel was necessary - as staying at theirs was too much trouble. Their words.
We let the kids run riot and burn off some energy. Much needed and then we make our way to PIL home.
Was nice. OK.
Then back to hotel to get ready for Christmas day. I decorated the soulless hotel room with a tree and stockings (for Santa to find) and more... then we went to bed.
Of course, sleep, stockings prepared and delivered and then at the usual 5.30am kids awake and of we go......
We had been told the the day before that we couldn't arrive to PIL until after 11.30am. So we made the first 6 hours in a hotel room as fun as possible with the kids.... they are still 3 and 4 years old.... It was pretty shitty really.....
We arrive at PIL and have a jolly enough time of it. We are all making an effort. Its ok. Christmas dinner is late IMO for small kids as it always is. It was 4.30pm before we ate. The boys were over it by then. One ate a bit the other didnt. The littler one was already showing worrying signs of over tiredness.
I have to say they behaved beautifully up until this point. I was very proud.
We (me and hub) ate (in a hurry) and then little one (aged 3) started shouting. I couldn't placate him and I tried every trick in the book. We eventually had to leave. Bath, bed, story etc was much needed.....
He had been up for over 12 hours and was hot tired. Something, I didnt know what, was wrong with him and I knew we had to get him to bed. Routine etc.
It was a 15 min walk to the hotel room in the snow.
We started to leave. Coat alll the rest etc.... while PIL etc were still eating cheese and drinking coffee after Crimbo dinner.
MIL came in and I was on my knees trying to get coat on 3 year old... She just kept repeating (bearing down over me) that we couldnt leave and had to stay as there were more presents to unwrap. I said that we had to go (coudnt she SEE?) and that she wouldn have to be up all night with little one?
We had to 'just leave' my boy was screaming.....
She told me that I just had to leave him to cry....? We dont do that in my house. My children are 11 months apart and when they cry - we go to them....!
We left. It was awful. Little one up all night with a fever... no calpol, no thermoter, no hotel staff just me and my hand on forehead and no sleep....
We went back Boxing Day. SCREAMING ABUSE. CHILDREN SCARED SHITLESS, SO WAS I. SCREAMING, SPITTING, OBSENITIES. Awful.
It took me six months to stop my 4 year old from asking why Daddy is a BLOODY SHIT!!!!
We had upset her because we left early. No consideration for her efforts over Christmas etc etc. FYI. Christmas dinner was reheated and not cooked. Pre preared roast potatoes (the best kind not Aunt Bessies) and all the rest pre prepared too....Not that much effort IMO.
Hub is really upset that they have behaved this way but undersatnds that this is normal behaviour for her.
I am expecect to brush under the carpet.
I was badly absused by MIL 40 hours after giving birth and cant brush this under the carpet again.
Kind of feel like we should split up.... Me and hub.
Sad. :O( Confused....
Thanks for listening. Any help/advice gratefully received. I want to leave Hub even tho I love him so I can be free of the last 18 months of hell Ive been in......
yes. you all make such sense.
I was so pissed off last night for another ruined weekend.
dh knows that I cant take much more of this and yesterday was essentially to end it.
he understands they are toxic and that what the last 2.5 years has been about. him coming to terms with it.
ive made it clear our marriage has suffered and it (let alone me) cant take any more of the doom and gloom we currently live under.
it has to end today. one way or another.
I will never condone their awful behaviour. I nearly caved in. I nearly caved in. Im proud that I haven't. I reached out to my own family who id never told and with their support I stayed true to myself and what is right.
it is hard.
he is there now. god know why.
im angry. home alone again with the kids and the dog. car less because he off to see the 'whites of their eyes'.
this has to end today.
ill be back guys. hope your bank holiday weekend is better than mine.
thanks for listening. and thanks for not leaving me to feel like im the only one with damaged, spiteful, toxix pil.
ill be on this later....
hissy yes. normal people behave that way. I cant believe he is going back for more. im giving him this weekend to sort his shit out. and then its done.
and trust me when I say it will never be the same again. If we do allow then access again. it will be supervised. one step out of line and its done. forever.
im shocked how messed up they are. proper wealthy upper class, privately educated fuck wits. and I married into it all.
thank god for my family. our marriage is literally still functioning up by each member of MY family with their shoulders metaphorically shoring us up.
im so tired.
Well - DH went to see them. Apparently they agree with everything he has said yesterday. They are regretful (never sorry).
DH made it clear that they have a week to make these new and profound feelings clear to me and then we see what we want to do from there.
Im under no illusions here.
But my good name, reputation and self esteem have taken a battering from this woman and I deserve an apology and for the rest of the family to be put straight.
We will see.
To be honest, as in all abusive relationships, there's no unringing this bell.
You know what they did, he knows what they did. They SAY they know what they did, but to change... nah, I don't think there are a month of Sundays coming anytime soon.
They are 'regretful' only cos he's said to admit it or he'll cut them off.
Don't flinch, don't blink. Regretful isn't good enough, and anyway, too little, too late. Some hurts never heal.
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