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AIBU?

To ask how many of you went back to work full time?to

80 replies

voscar · 06/03/2012 21:21

After having your DC and how you feel about the things you've missed with your DC as a result or sacrifices you've had to make?

I am pregnant with our first child at 31 and my partner is 40. We are very fortunate that we can afford for me to go part time after the birth of our baby. I know this isn't an option for everyone so I'm very appreciate of this. We've planned around me being the primary care giver for our baby and DH working full time.

However I'm in quite a niche job in the city and my employers have offered me a significant raise to come back to work full time. Which would mean DH being the one to go part time and essentially switch our roles at home as we are really keen that at least one of us is at home with the baby as much as is reasonably possible. The extra money could mean little change in our financial circumstances whilst also freeing up DH to look after the baby - we'd be able to provide better for him/her.

Am I being unreasonable to consider this? Would I be making too big a sacrifice? I know lots of parents both work full time (mine did) and I know we are lucky to have this option. I guess I'm asking has anyone else been in this position and how did they/ do they feel as a woman being the primary earner at the expense of being at home as much as you'd like?

P.s this is my first time in AIBU and I'm a little bit nervous!

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faeriefruitcake · 06/03/2012 21:30

I'm the main wage earner, husband left the navy and is setting up his own business. I would rather be at home with the children but it wasn't an option.

See how you feel after your baby is born.

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troisgarcons · 06/03/2012 21:33

sacrifices you've had to make

I didnt make any. I wanted to work. I like work. I need to work for my sanity. I tried the whole SAHM housewife thing and it totally sucked the life out of me.


This is an age old debate and it always ends in tears. There is no right, no wrong. Happy parents make happy children.

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Tryharder · 06/03/2012 21:33

I work FT. I do shift work which does mean I am around during the day although am knackered and grumpy.

Is your DH keen to do this? If so, I would say, why not?

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voscar · 06/03/2012 21:34

That's my worry - that I would really regret it. I know it would be a major sacrifice as I work in London so have a commute too - realistically I'd be out of the house at 7.30am and not return till 8:00pm at least 5 nights a week - sometimes later.

Unfortunately I don't really have until after maternity to decide as I'm in a senior role in a relatively small firm so am responsible for hiring a replacement for me if I do decide to go part time - a replacement I'd have to train before I left for maternity leave.

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BeeBawBabbity · 06/03/2012 21:37

Go for it. Dads usually don't give being in full time employment a second thought, and yet most manage healthy, loving relationships with their kids (without the guilt). There's evenings, weekends and holidays to spend quality time with the child. And honestly, a bit of spare cash can really take the stress out of the early years.

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy and birth.

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Panzee · 06/03/2012 21:37

Both of us work FT. I don't really like the situation we are in.
If my husband worked PT I would feel fine. I love my job.

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HoneyandHaycorns · 06/03/2012 21:38

I'm with trois. Have always worked full time and genuinely don't feel I have made any sacrifices. dh works pt, I am the main breadwinner.

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GetOrfMoiiLand · 06/03/2012 21:41

Whatever you decide now doesn't have to be permanent - if I were you I would give it a go, and see how you feel 6 months down the line. I don't know how niche your job is but if you like working there it is worth trying to keep your career going.

FWIW I have always worked FT, I don't regret doing so, and my dd is a teen now. We are very close indeed.

It is hard but try not to feel guilty, that way madness lies. I would just say spend as much as you can afford on the best childcare you can - so that it may well be better for you to have a nanny (if that suits) rather than a nursery. Good luck.

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Quattrocento · 06/03/2012 21:41

I'm not sure what you are going to get from a random sample of mumsnetters, because the heart of the matter is that it will depend upon you and your emotions and reactions.

FWIW I am heartily glad that I went back full-time. Couldn't wait to get out of the house and back into civilisation. It restored me. Love the DCs but any more than an hour with a toddler makes me feel restless and impatient and absolutely yearning to get away.

They are teenagers now. They seem okay to me. I am still relatively sane. The bank balance is healthy. It worked for us as a family.

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HoneyandHaycorns · 06/03/2012 21:41

hmm, that's quite a long day including the commute - I'd be a bit uncomfortable with this. Could you work from home some days?

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troisgarcons · 06/03/2012 21:41

I would also point out that at one point I had 3 under 5, worked in The City FT, and DH and I had absolutely no familoy support - parents were either dead or in need of a lot of medical care in old age.

You are either a coper or not.

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Divorcedand2teenDDs · 06/03/2012 21:56

I'd suggest you give it a go. Apart from breast feeding (which I carried on first thing in morning and last thing at night whilst working similar hours to yours) babies actually need you and give you less in many ways than older children. If after a year you decide you need to go part time at least you'll have tried it, rather than giving up this opportunity and regretting it later.
However, you will get tired so negotiate with DP how both chores and pleasures (bath time, etc) will be shared. And use some of that pay rise to ease the burden: a cleaner, etc. In terms of childcare I used a nanny who brought her own son (18months older than DD1) to the house each day. This meant we didn't have to get kids up and out in the morning and even when I was working late I knew they were happy and secure in their own home so weren't suffering. We kept the nanny for 15yrs, so the kids had fantastic continuity and now babysit for the ex-nanny's younger children! And it wasn't any more expensive than other options in the long run.
There's no perfect way of parenting so don't guilt trip - and good luck!

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FlossieTeacakeShouldFakeIt · 06/03/2012 21:56

I couldn't do it, I had a complete career change and worked part time term time after having dc. It does mean less money, but it also means more happiness. I would hate to not be around to go in for random school events and not be able to be there to pick them up. But everyone is different, so only you and your dh can answer your question. There is no right or wrong.

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PorridgeBrain · 06/03/2012 21:58

It's a difficult one as you have no idea how you will feel until after the event. I work part-time (4 days of hours compressed into 3.5 days) and dh does 5 days compressed into 4 so we share childcare meaning our children are only in childcare 2.5 days a week yet my dd1 has an amazing knack of making me feel guilty on the time I am away from her :( Also now she is starting school in Sep, I know that I am already very mindful of how much contact and involvement I will have with the school and is a deciding factor on the hours I will do mvinf forward. This is just my feelings though and there are obviously other mums that don't feel the same so very hard to say.

It also sounds like a great opportunity and one you don't want to regret. What if you went for it and then later regretted it, would you be able to then start training someone up to take over from you, would Dh be able to go back to full-time? Is working from home part of the week an option so you would see more of dc?

Good luck whatever you decide, it's not an easy one x

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skybluepearl · 06/03/2012 22:42

I'd move heaven and earth to spend as much time with the baby as possible. My kids have enriched my life far more than my previous or present jobs.

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porcamiseria · 06/03/2012 22:45

work FT, DP at home, we are all happy, I also echo that I dont think I have made any sacrifices, kids are very very happy with their Dad

it can work really well, depends on you though?

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ilikecandyandrunning · 06/03/2012 22:46

I wouldn't do it. Those long hours away from your baby sound horrendous to me but to some it's ok. I think baby needs mum and mum needs baby - you have NO ideas how you will feel when baby arrives. I have a few friends who went back to demanding jobs like the one you describe and bitterly regret it as they can never get that precious time back.

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skybluepearl · 06/03/2012 22:47

you mentioned very long working days - realisticly you might only see the child for half an hour before you leave for work each morning.

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poinsetta · 06/03/2012 22:49

I would be reluctant to commit to this before having the baby as you don't know how you will feel. Unless of course you are fairly sure in which case you have to go with your gut feel. If you are into your career then this seems like a good option, the baby will have its Dad there. I work almost full time and feel like I have missed out on a lot but that is because I didn't really have the choice but would have preferred to have done less hours in an ideal world.

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LST · 06/03/2012 22:52

I'm dreading going back to work full time in June. I am the main wage earner but we both need to work full time. Fortunately due to my partners unsociable hours we won't need any child are costs to fork out for. But I really aren't looking forward to it :(

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MaureenMLove · 06/03/2012 22:52

I went back full time, from 7am - 7pm out of the house, when DD was 3 months old. I didn't have a choice tbh, we needed the money.

It was fine whilst DD was pre-school, as the school holidays didn't exist for me. I'd given up and started minding by the time she was at school though.

You need to think in terms of a 5 year plan I think. By then, baby will be going to school and whatever plans you've put in place, will need to be changed.

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hatesponge · 06/03/2012 22:54

I've always worked FT, but I've never really had a choice about it tbh.

I was out of the house 8-6 with DS1 from the age of 7 months. LP at the time, worked in the main pretty well.

With DS2, I had a longer commute so away from home 7am-7.30pm (or later). I lasted a year of that before finding a job closer to home which gave me an extra 1.5 hours a day; doesn't sound much but it made a huge difference. then again, I had 2 DC, a house which was a building site and an utterly useless DP (he's now Ex-P thank god!).

A lot depends on your own circs. I've never regretted working; the commute in my second job nearly finished me off. but I never didn't want to work, I just wanted working to be a little easier!

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Rhubarbgarden · 06/03/2012 22:54

It's a very personal thing. I expected to be back at work 3 months after having dd. I didn't know anything about babies and didn't think being a sahm would be up my street at all. I was wrong. I loved it from the start and don't intend to go back to work now until dc2 is at school. At the moment, dd is in a temporary nanny share 3 days a week because I'm seven months pregnant and have done my back in, and I've been told to avoid lifting dd as much as possible. I feel like a spare part while she's away and can't wait to collect her at the end of the day. Pre-children, I'd never have predicted feeling like this in a million years. You just don't know.

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SarahJessicaFarter · 06/03/2012 22:59

I have worked part time since our first was born 6.5 years ago and gone back to work PT after mat leave both times. I am just about to start working FT again, DS is 6.5 and DD is 4. It was much easier to go back to work after my second than my first. Mostly because I knew she'd be fine without me. But first time around I didn't. And I stressed about it, felt guilty, it was terrible. But once you get back into it it's fine. Have a plan though, because when they start nursery kids pick up every bug going! Make sure you and DH factor that in and be prepared to have to take time off for sickness. May not happen, but when it does that's a whole different guilt. My DS got chicken pox when I had only been back at work for a week! DH and I had some major negotiations then, because I ran payroll and there's no excuse in the world for the payroll not running!!

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Peppapigsarse · 06/03/2012 23:21

I went back ft, after both children no regrets what so ever! Like others have said the whole SAHM thing is so not for me! Love my kids to bits and would move heaven n earth for them, but money meant I had to go back ...... Hubby has changed jobs now technically I could now go P/T but my eldest started school sept and youngest is nearly 2yrs..... So if I went p/t now I'd drop salary/status and the whole purpose of staying in fairly high profile job was the long term plan....

I can't do my job p/t so would be downgrading if I did........so now my youngest is nearly 2 now whilst I didn't go back till she was 13 months old .... Mat leave/sabbatical/leave.......

I'm very fortunate going back this time I started working from home one day a week now at least two days, now trying to do three as much as poss....I was tupe'd whilst on mat leave the last time to an org that is big on s art working.... Also my on-site manager is awesome! I work my arse off often late into the night but I can flex it to my advantage to go into class n read with my dd or goto parents evening or school play/event, run dd1 to school discos and stay with dd2..... I work often more hours than contracted but the balance of being able to do "stuff" is well worth it!!!

I think tbh being a SAHM is harder, your kids are your life, depending on your set up you can end up being child centric and losing yourself! I'm selfish I work for my sanity and being on leave today and tomorrow (childcare unavailable) I ensure I get good time with my girls! Weekends and holidays are pure family time.....just need to convince hubby we need a cleaner to save 1/2 day a weekend in cleaning!!!! And ironing needs farming out!!! Ho hum can't have it all!!!


Follow your gut feeling!

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