to think it's too late for DH to complain about the money we spent on my surgeries!

[stabledooropen]

8 years ago things were shit. We'd been trying for a baby for ages. I was too fat to be eligable for NHS help. I tried oh god I tried so hard to lose weight (pcos and emotional issues). We were so desperate.

We decided to self-fund IVF but it was hard to find somewhere who'd take us and we were told it would be unlikely to work because of my pcos.

We spent the same money as one round of IVF on my getting a gastric band in belgium.

I lost six stone in a year, BMI hit the acceptable range, got NHS help. Got pregnant! DD born.

Gastric band developed a serious fault and I had to have it removed. Worked so hard not to put loads of weight back on. Got pregnant naturally with miracle DS.

2 years ago I had an op to deal with some of the excess skin from my weight loss. Self-funded again. Total we have spent on my surgeries is £13k. LOADS don't get me wrong. But around the cost of the 3 rounds of ivf I qualified for when the weight was off, plus I am healthy and fit.

We've taken a hit in the recession and money is v tight especially with 2 DCs.

DH goes on and on and on about the money we spent on my surgeries. He was so supportive when I was trying to lose weight and get pregnant. Now it's like that person has gone completely or he was lying all that time and was really hating me. All I hear is that we 'wasted' the money and I could obviously have lost the weight by myself because I didn't put it all back on after the band was removed (I did put about 1.5 stone back on but held steady there, it's not easy).

It is really upsetting me - if we'd spent that cash on IVF which might not even have worked, then what?

Also it makes me feel like he's forgotton how lucky we are to have the DCs. We wouldn't've had them without the surgeries.

I think he should stop going on about it, the money is spent, we can't get it back.

AIBU?

[Boomerwang]

Nope you're not being unreasonable. He cannot harp on about the past, especially when you say he seemed to be quite happy with it at the time.

He's stressed about money right now, but talking about your surgeries is NOT going to change things except for the worse if he keeps trying to make you feel bad about it.

Tell him you need to move forward together before he makes you feel any more hurt than you already do.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Yanbu - he is being an utter wanker. You were a different person that long ago and he needs to accept that's who you were.

If it was me I would not stay with him if he kept bringing it up - you can't undo the past. I would tell him he's allowed 2 more minutes bitching a d then that's it.

I would also point out he agreed at the time and that if he's feeling critical he should direct it towards himself as youre not interested in receiving any more criticism.

[yellowraincoat]

YANBU

The past is the past, you made the decisions you made then and there's no point regretting them.

I feel bad for you that he's harping on, must make you feel bad.

[misslinnet]

YANBU.

It's all very well for your DH to wish you had all the money back, but whats done is done. He's being unreasonable, especially if he supported you through all that in the first place.

And IME it's a lot harder to lose weight than it is to gain it, so saying spending all that money was pointless because you haven't gained all the weight back is just silly.

[stabledooropen]

Thankyou vv much. Weird time to be posting this I know but we were out tonight and he was especially bad/boring about it. Yes okay a babysitter is a big treat and we could afford X hours of babysitting with the money we spent on my surgeries but we wouldn't have the DCs if it wasn't for the surgeries!

And if we were still the childless couple we were MISERABLE being then we wouldn't care about the 13k would we because we wouldn't have DCs to want to spend the money on!!!

It drives me MAD. I'd've crawled over hot coals to have the DCs, would've robbed a bank or cut my leg off. It was worth it! But because it was 'vain' things we did - we! - apparently now it's all my fault we don't have 13k in cash right now.

I know he's stressed about money - me too - but it really hurts.

[MaryMotherOfCheeses]

Yes I can imagine that hurts, yanbu.

Stand your ground, he's being an idiot because he is worried about money.

So many people are worried about money but at least you have two lovely, much wanted, DCs.

[yellowraincoat]

It sounds hurtful. Have you had a word?

[ithaka]

YA so NBU. You have a healthy son and daughter! Believe me when I say, you are the luckiest people in the world. Sadly, it sounds like your DH is taking that for granted. He shouldn't. Money cannot buy what you have and he should be grateful everyday for it.

[MaryMotherOfCheeses]

And for all those who are going to say if you're skint, you shouldn't have children....

All this happened before the recession, yes? I'm guessing you don't have a crystal ball so yes, you were doing what you thought to be right at the time.

[stabledooropen]

It's hard for me to read him the riot act as deep down I am ashamed I needed the gastric band to lose the weight and that we spent the cash on the other stuff. I don't think I should be ashamed and I wasn't until he started on all this.

He does seem to have forgotten what it was like to be so desperate for a DC.

[stabledooropen]

We could afford it - we weren't flush but 2 working people, no kids, before the recession. We had the money. It would've gotten spent on IVF if not the surgeries.

[LaurieFairyCake]

That's what is especially bad about it - he knows you feel ashamed and is playing on it.

You have nothing to be ashamed of and its amazing that you haven't put it back on - well done you!

[Boomerwang]

Don't feel ashamed. I can't imagine that it's a simple process which doesn't involve a fair bit of soul searching.

Is it your DH making you feel ashamed? If so then as you can see, a lot of people think he's being unreasonable and so stop feeling bad about it.

Normally I'd suggest that you read him the riot act (quietly and calmly!) but when it comes to money many people can become someone else while they deal with it. Try to bite your tongue when he grumbles about anything else, but don't let him make you feel like you're the one to blame for it. His attitude is also bound to be affecting your kids - point that out to him.

[MildlyNarkyPuffin]

He's being a shit.

Even if that money had been spent on eg paying off your gambling debts because you got caught up in online poker it would be totally unreasonable of him to keep 'going on and on' about it years later.

Next time he starts off why not ask him exactly what he wants you to do about it? Would he like you to walk around the house in sackcloth and ashes? Invent a time machine so you could go back and undo it?

He needs to stop using you as an emotional punching bag and, if it is the state of your finances that is worrying him, sit down and go through your bills etc and work out how to increase your income and cut your expenditure.

He sounds very resentful. Is it possible that he is using this as a stick to beat you with because he feels under pressure and wants you to bring in more money?

[WorraLiberty]

YANBU

And you might want to remind him that had you managed to fall pregnant naturally when you were obese, you would have put yourself and your baby at risk.

He needs to accept the money has gone and he has two healthy (I assume) children and a wife who survived child birth.

[carernotasaint]

Ten years ago i went to Slimming World and lost ten stone. It took two years and attending the classes and buying all the literature etc cost me two grand all in. I have put about half the weight back on through being a carer and issues in my marriage which i wont go into here but ive talked about elsewhere on the forum. Ive been back a couple of times lost a stone then stopped going etc. and am now psyching myself up to go back again. My DH has never moaned about what it cost even when we hit hard times.
OP do you feel your husband has enjoyed sex with you more since losing the weight because he fucking well gained from it as well as well as your lovely kids. Tell him if he didnt want you to have the surgery he should have fucking manned up and had the balls to say so at the time. Not only is he being a twat he is also being financially and emotionally abusive.

[runningforthebusinheels]

YADNU! Sounds awful, and you don't deserve it at all. He should have made any objections obvious at the time, not be picking at you after the event.

This is not nearly so emotive but I bought a new car recently, using some money that a relative gave me, and a bit from savings. We could afford it, it wasn't flashy - just enough to fit us, 3 dc, dog plus luggage in! He went along with it, negotiated the bloody purchase price and then later on started picking fights with me about money. How I'd just spent all that money 'on myself'. Well, no, it was a family car!

Anyway things got really heated one night - he kept on bringing the car into every conversation and picking a fight - he's generally a fantastic bloke, but was just being an arse here - and I lost it and said it's too late to object now! I was so mad I said if you ever bring up the bloody cost of the car again I will walk out of here and I won't tell when I'm coming back. He hasn't brought it up since. But we do have a very loving relationship.

Sorry for waffling on - hope you're ok OP.

[olgaga]

It sounds to me as though there's more to this than the money. Does he love being a dad? If so tell him to get a grip or get out! If not, tell him to get out!

[LittlebearH]

What Worraliberty said. He didnt go through the pain YOU did. HTH

[stabledooropen]

These responses are so helpful to read. He IS being unfair.

He was - said he was - 100% behind the gastric band. I remember he said that even if we never managed to have children he wanted me to be healthier and happier. The further surgery was more driven by me but he never objected and I believe he would've done so if he had an objection.

It is really miserable because I do worry - like after christmas, I put a couple of pounds on and made some comment about my jeans being tight and he made some comment about every pound in weight had cost £X and I owed him 200 quid for what I'd put on over xmas! What the fuck!

I don't get it because we're not on the breadline or in dire straits. Things are tight, but we have enough to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, the DCs clothed. Generally we are a happy family.

But I stop myself saying anything about my looks (in either direction, I get 'just as well you think you look nice, it cost enough', and 'moan all you like about your wrinkles, you're not getting another operation!'), my clothes, my weight...

what gets me is that he was SO loving and supportive when I was bigger, when I was smaller, when I was pregnant, when I was struggling.... I don't get it. And I feel shit about it.

[stabledooropen]

He's a good dad, adores the DCs, really involved.

I still work, part-time but that was always the plan and I have a good handle on the finances, there are no nasty surprises.

DH wishes we had more money, partly so we had more to give the DCs, but we wouldn't have the DCs if we'd not spent the money one way or another - that's how it is in my head anyway.

Also we can't get it back!

[ILoveAFullFridge]

If 8y ago you were 6stone overweight, then had you not spent the money on the gastric band and its consequences, by now you would probably have been at least 8 or 9 stone overweight. That £13K not only enabled you to have children, it quite possibly saved your life.

His attitude stinks. It is bullying.

Have you told him, point-blank, that you do not like what he is saying, that it offends you, is untrue, and that his behaviour is damaging your relationship? Have you told him to stop saying these things?

[ilovesooty]

YANBU. He sounds horrible.

[mathanxiety]

what gets me is that he was SO loving and supportive when I was bigger, when I was smaller, when I was pregnant, when I was struggling.... I don't get it.

Maybe you are now stronger as a person and as a result he feels threatened and he needs to drag you down? Maybe he liked being 'the fit and normal sized one' or 'the healthy one' or 'the one who wouldn't have had any trouble having a baby if his partner had not been obese' or 'the attractive one'? Maybe what he enjoyed before in your relationship was a feeling of superiority, and now that you are doing well, managed to have two healthy babies and keep the weight off, hold down a job, etc., he doesn't have that smug feeling any more..

Tell him you refuse to be ashamed in any way, shape or form for having the gastric band surgery, because it has possibly meant the difference between a long and healthy life for you or early death preceded by a host of horrible health problems. Tell him you are willing to listen to him whenever he is willing to talk about what is really biting his bum, and in the meanwhile you will not tolerate the venting and nastiness.