to tell my dad about dv situation regarding my sister?

[bitofaquandry]

I came back to the area after living a way a while. Met my sister's boyfriend (actually liked him) only to hear some rumours from some family that he had been abusive in the past. My sister has a hot temper and this guy didn't seem to tbh.

I get a call from my sister saying he has broken her tooth. I pick her up on the side of the road crying- he's poured a beer all over and roughed her up.

I'm living with my dad who is mostly away with work for long periods of time. She stayed with here at my dad's for a week then went back to arsehole boyfriend.

Now this is my issue. My dad is a nutter. Like proper scary crazy. In fact was abusive to me and my mother growing up (although my sister was the princess and he never laid a finger on her)

Ironically he would lose it if this was happening to my sister- and I have considered telling him- so that he can warn this guy that if he comes near my sister again that he will kill him. I know the boyfriend will believe him- he knows my dad is crazy.

Dh thinks I should stay out of it as my sister wants to be with her boyfriend. He also thinks this will ruin my relationship with my sister. I feel like I would rather know she was safe and not speaking to me. He thinks it will further isolate her as she won't dare speak against the bf if he needed to for fear of my dad losing it on the bf.

But I'm still not sure. I'm scared that if ot escalates I won't ever be able to forgive myself.

Also (we don't live in the UK) and the bf has been saying he is going to get a gun for a while for protection and shooting at a gun range. The idea that he could have a gun the next time they have an argument is also pushing me towards the tell my dad side.

[theincredibequeenofwands]

Why do you live with your dad if he was abusive to you?

[bitofaquandry]

Because I needed a place to stay (I moved home after living abroad for nearly 10 years)- he is rarely there and he offered. I am married and nearly 30 and no longer an abused child nor do I have any reason to fear him. We get on reasonably well now although in a very superficial way if that makes sense.

I'm answering in case it was a serious question btw and you aren't just troll hunting (as you didn't actually answer my AIBU question). If you are doing a bit of troll hunting you can report my thread to MNHQ who will let you know I have been on mn for years.

[theincredibequeenofwands]

Er... No, was just asking a question.

You're being unreasonable. Go to the police and report the boyfriend. Don't get an abusive nutter to threaten him. You may make things worse for your sister.

[NearlyPastTheYardarm]

I agree - going to your Dad is the last option.

I would try (or keep trying?) to persuade your sister to leave the boyfriend. Does she have a best friend? Getting someone else who she knows is on her side to convince her might help.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You need to find out how gun licensing works in your area and make sure whoever gives permission doesn't in his case. Very very dangerous.

[WelshMoth]

MrsTerryPratchett has a really good suggestion here. Find out who sorts out gun permits, and give them that information.

[sunshineandbooks]

I wouldn't tell your dad. I would tell the police. Your sister will probably fall out with you, but you still have to do it. You are taking a clear stance that abuse is unacceptable and the police will be aware that he is a violent man with a temper and should, therefore, not be allowed to own a gun. Better to have an angry sister than a dead one, and it's a very real possibility. Two women are killed every week by partners/ex-partners in the UK. THrow in a gun and an assault becomes a murder much more easily.

However, be prepared for the fact that adopting this position may well damage your relationship with your sister. Her P is likely to try to prevent her from having too much contact with you as well, as he will consider you a bad influence for encouraging her to stand up to him.

However, I can't see any choice. Can you imagine how you'd feel if he did shoot her and you'd done nothing? You could try informing the police without your sister knowing, but I can't see how they could take any notice of what you say without a corroborating statement from your sister or unless you can produce independent evidence (e.g. dental or GP evidence).

[PaulInHolland]

I agree with the others about going to the police,although they might not be able to press charges if your sister denies the abuse -as often occurs.Has your sister had abusive partners in the past?If her main example of a male whilst growing up,your dad,is someone she saw carrying out dv to you and your mum,she expect or look for that sort of man as a partner. In that case this sort of situation occur again.

Good luck.

[PaulInHolland]

Sorry last bit should have been "she might look for or expect that sort of man as partner. In that case this sort of situation could occur again ".

[CailinDana]

Telling your dad seems like quite an extreme option. Your sister could end up in a worse situation because of it. I agree with the others that you should go to the police and let them know the situation in the hopes that it will at least stand against him if he tries to get a gun.

Have you talked to your sister much about it? Have you mentioned you might tell your dad?

[Areallytiredwoman]

I would contact local DV support services for advice - telling anyone could potentially make her situation worse. The police are unlikely to act if she refuses to make a statement/co-operate and her partner will not think kindly of their involvement. An anonymous call to the police re firearms could make them investigate this seperately without betraying her confidence or putting her at risk.

It could be that you are the only person your sister has told and are someone she can confide in. If she no longer feels able to do this she could become even more isolated which is dangerous in DV cases.

[kelly2000]

I would not tell your father as it may have the opposite effect and just make the problem worse, and could isolate your sister. I would speak to your sister again, and tell her that this will not stop, he is not hitting her because he love sher so much and just gets frustrated, it was not her fault, and he hits because he likes hitting and will continue to do so for their entire relationship and if she has children with him he will probably abuse them as well, or at the very best they will grow up seeing her treate dlike this and think abuse is normal.
I do not know what country you are in, but in the UK you could have told social services and they would go round and advise her. I would also contact the police and ask about DV and gun licensing.