I am lost and soo unhappy!

[scuzy]

I posted in Relationships also but this place has more traffic. please be honest with me good and bad.

my partner is suffering depression and anxiety. i too suffer from depression but i feel am at the other side of it feel alot better. however i feel so unhappy in my relationship. this is not the man i fell in love with. i still love him sooo much but cant live like this. we have a 3yr old together.

he snaps at me, doesnt talk to me, basic conversation of 2 sentences or involving ds but thats it. he is in a serperate room for 2 years now and loves it.

he doesnt get up with ds ever (i work full time, he is self employed but in the bed every morning til god knows that time). he doesnt bathe him, barely plays with him, has never in his life done housework. yes i knew he was somewhat like that but now its the pits and makes my life hell.

last night i moved a tool that was dangerous for our son to be around onto a higher shelf and he went ballisitic. i was a bitch for doing it and what did he say before about moving his things (apparently i have to ask permission) and if i wasnt happy with that arrangement i was to fuck off somewhere where i was happy. we havent spoken since. he wont either.

he says he is not well, cant cope, wasnt ready for ds so its my fault and even though he does live him i have to rear him.

am at the end of my tether. how long do i live like this hoping he gets better. at this stage i dont know what is anxiety, stress, depression or just being a prick. have had arguments before where i said i was leaving he said go but your not taking ds. then he might say if i find him hanging from a tree it would be my fault.

friends and sis say leave him .... but they only hear my side. i know he is not himself but this is going on 3 years now with no sign if things getting better.

oh and to avoid drip feeding we are both seeing counsellors, both on anti ds, he is also on anti anxiety also. he is seeing a psychologist as well and is being treated for sleep apnea. so therefore nothing is his fault he is ill.
he was never like this before!!! i think i am partly to blame if not fully as i (have to say to give you guys the full picture and want honest advice) had an emotional affair years ago before ds was born. i got close to someone in work loved the attention i was getting. it never got physical but even until i had ds he said he wasnt even sure ds was his. i dont blame him how could he trust me? but i can honestly say i never physically cheated on him. though i know emotionally it is worse what i did.

so between business going downhill, a new born, and not trusting me and getting over what i did i feel it is mostly my fault and cant leave him. i want him around for my ds who he is good to. i do love him, plus who would want an overweight woman in her mid 30s with a 3 yr old. plus there is the other side that he may do something to himself as he does tell me i am his soulmate and how much he loves me (in the good days in between these every 2 week meltdowns).

i am torn .... we can go for a few weeks just existing (i call it that because even though i thought we were fine i can see from other relationships we are just co habiting) to these outbursts where i feel like i'm right back down in the pits of depression but have to snap out of it for ds's sake but he can take to the bed and call me a bitch and i will go home after work and cook a dinner as normal play with ds put him to bed and clean up while he vegs on the couch as he is stressed. and i am the cause of most of it so he tells me.

please tell me what to do? am i bu? am i a bitch? should i give him more time? he is mentally unwell. would leaving him send him over the edge? i am not strong enough to start over myself. i love him sooo much.

[Gumby]

Could you have couples counselling?

[scuzy]

tried once. maybe should try it again.

[cestlavielife]

separate for both your sakes.
if he really is suicidal call 999.
but dont stay together out of fear he may harm himself - if he wants to he will whether you together or not.

both of you sounds miserable together.and it cant be nice environment for your child.

spend some time apart.
both of you get well and on track with your mental health.

each of you spend one on one time with child.

re consider in six months time.

[scuzy]

thanks cestlavie. but he has said that he wont let me take our son.

[tinkerbelleworkshop]

What I will never understand is how any one could love someone who mentaly abuses them! and that is what your OH is doing.

If not for yourself, think of how this is affecting your DS? I grew up in a house full of mental abuse and I would not wish it upon anyone.

Please find the strenth to leave him and take your DS with you, the sooner the better x

[scuzy]

but he doesnt do this every day only when an argument flares up. he looks at me like he hates me. then one of us apologises then back to normal.

[TroublesomeEx]

You are not BU.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the past are, you both have a child now.

I have been treated for depression and have been diagnosed with anxiety. It isn't the same as other conditions because of the effect it has on those around you. You are struggling with depression also and seem to be making progress. But his illness and subsequent behaviour is going to impact negatively on you and your child.

I would second separating, getting better independently of each other and then seeing what happens.

Do you have support in place that would enable you to do that?

[scuzy]

no folkgirl i dont. but at the other side i dont want to leave him. sorry i am such a moan bag but all i want is a partner who loves me and his son. who can show it. who appreciates me. i feel its my punishment for what i have done.

[TroublesomeEx]

OP, you won't be 'taking his son'. That's his illness speaking.

You are your child's mother and it is your responsibility to protect him. If he is listening to his mother being emotionally abused then that is not good for him.

That's one of the things men say when in his position.

[scuzy]

well he means it. has said if i want to go then go. but our son is living with him. and i cant do that.

[cestlavielife]

what do you mean he wont "let" you take ds ?

starting point at court would be 50/50 shared residence. what is wrong with that?

but if he doesnt put much work into caring for him now why would he want him full time? does he ever look after ds on his own? why not?

otoh - maybe splitting child 50/50 would make him wake up and be more repsonsible
it is a win win

but - if he is suicidal then you have good reason to not leave ds in his care.
have you got his threats documented eg in email?
if you have evidence he is mentally unwell and suicide risk tehn youc ant leave ds with him can you? talk to GP .

start writing things down and get them recorded

but if he is calling you names etc then you need to start reporting this abuse to someone and get advice.
staying like this is helping no one.

you dont love him you love the idea of a fantasy relationship which does not exist.

[Gumby]

You've got an answer for every suggestion made on here though

You don't want to leave him because you love him , but you're both so miserable. What does he want to do?

[TroublesomeEx]

Scuzy it's NOT your punishment .

I know you don't want to leave him and I can completely understand that, especially if he isn't like this all the time, and only when things flare up.

But how much time to you spend trying no to annoy him?

Are you modifying your behaviour to minimise the risk of him kicking off?

It is a terribly difficult situation, but you are supporting him and have been supporting him. Your emotional involvement with another man wasn't great, but it wasn't the cause of his depression and anxiety either.

His illness is causing him to be scared of losing you and your DS - hence the not letting you take him stuff.

[scuzy]

i know gumby your right. i'm afraid to go. just afraid. not strong enough. dont want ds missing his dad.

your right guys i have to make a decision soon. i have my own couselling app on wed will bring this up.

i need a spine dont i?

[scuzy]

yes folkgirl i am. he thinks i am not but i do curb alot of my natural reactions so as not to annoy him whereas he sees things i dont think are bad that drive him into a rage.

we are no good for eachother for a long time now but always end up in tears saying hoe much we love eachother at some point. so many times we had threatened to break up in the last year -all empty threats.

[TroublesomeEx]

Well that is no way for you to be living.

Or more importantly, for your son.

If you were to leave him what would you do? Practically, how would you achieve it?

Do you work? Have any money in the bank?

[scuzy]

i work full time but have alot of dds for us both and he gives me cash for creche and shopping etc. he is very good with money and we never argue over that. very generous.

[scuzy]

sorry meant direct debits not daughters!

[mistlethrush]

OK - so you love each other - but just at the moment its not working out. But you're looking at the 'move out' option and it looks too big to tackle. So don't make it a final step - sort it out so that you have a break - make sure ds sees lots of dh and aim both to improve where you are individually over a set period - 4 months, 6 months whatever. Then when you get that period of time down the line, reevaluate and see whether things have changed and you might be able to work on getting your mutual relationship back on track.

[scuzy]

mistlethrush that sounds like a plan alright. because i do want this to work sooo badly. just getting replies and talkin to you guys makes me feel better already. naff i know but its the truth. thanks.

[mistlethrush]

A bit of a break might just give both of you the chance to sort yourselves out on an individual basis without having to worry about the other one. If neither of you are 'well' at the moment, a relationship on top of that is difficult to manage.

[Callisto]

So he is verbally abusive, doesn't share household/childcare at all and tells you to fuck off? All the while safe in the knowlege that you won't leave him because he 'won't let you' take your son with you?

He sounds appalling actually. I think that you need to take legal advice on the custody/residence issue right now. Then you need to tell him to fuck off and find somewhere that he will be happy. Then you need to find some self-belief and courage so that you can admit to yourself that your partner is an abusing dickwad who is using his illness as a excuse to treat you like shit. And please consider the example you are giving to your son - do you really want him to grow up thinking that women are second class citizens who should be treated with no love or consideration?

[munkeychops]

He may well be depressed/anxious, but he is also manipulating you.

Why would he not let you take your son with you if he takes no part in his care? How would he look after him on his own if he can't even be bothered to get out of bed occassionally with him right now? He clearly isn't thinking about the best interests of his son on that score.

Whatever your decision, it has to be what you think is best for you and your son. You can't base your decision on a threat that he will take his life. He is an adult and if he is having feelings of suicide, he needs support from healthcare workers - that isn't your job.

Perhaps you would try writing him a letter explaining exactly how you are feeling? It's sometimes easier to communicate that wayto begin with that face t face if it always escalates into an argument.

I hope you work out what you want to do and that it works out for you.