To hold off breaking up until after Christmas?

[NoddyHoldersWig]

Just posted about this in relationships but I guess it's an AIBU one too.

Basically I want to split up with my boyfriend. He hasn't "done" anything wrong, I'm just not happy in the relationship.

What makes it difficult is that he has NO friends, NO hobbies, NO social life - nothing. His entire world revolves around me and his job (and his job is a minimum wage shop job, nothing he actually feels good doing). Without me his life would be work/sleep/work/TV/sleep/work etc etc . Depressing but I don't really see why I should compromise MY life just because his sucks. I know that sounds harsh and I do care for him but I want my own life to move on. There is no future in our relationship, we don't even see each other on Christmas day ffs. We're both going on seperate holidays next year and he's made it clear our holidays etc always will be seperate as he doesn't want to involve the kids. We've been together 3 years and nothing has progressed in all that time.

And of course, it's Christmas eve.

AIBU to wait until after the festive season and THEN break it off early Jan?? I don't want to wreck his Christmas and as he has no friends etc, me breaking up with him now certainly would wreck his Christmas.

[WorraLiberty]

I must admit it doesn't sound as though his world revolves around you?

I wouldn't wait til after Christmas though if you can.

[NoddyHoldersWig]

I more meant his social life Worra, he never goes out without me. For instance his birthday, NYE, saturday nights - he needs me for all of them. I feel like I can't go out with my friends because I'm responsible for HIS entertainment.

Yet when it comes to things that I find important (Christmas/holidays etc) I'm more or less told "soz, can't do that as we can't involve the kids".

[AFuckingFestiveKnackeredWoman]

I do think you ave to go with you feelings, if you cant stand to wait then do it.

My sister got dumped by her fiancée on the 23rd a few years back, they were getting ready to go to his parents for Christmas when he just blurted it out - fucking brutal it was but i get why he did it and didn't wait, he was making himself so stressed and panicky trying to act like things were fine he was cracking up.

[NoddyHoldersWig]

Christmas day he said he's going to be sat watching TV on his own. His DC will spend an hour or so with him (probably just to eat dinner) and then bugger off upstairs on facebook. At this point he'll expect me to go on Skype as he's alone.

[squeakytoy]

If he goes on holiday on his own, then his life doesnt just revolve around you. He doesnt seem to want a future with you, so yes, just let him go. It doesnt sound like it will upset him very much.

Who is the one who has kids?

Perhaps he likes not having friends.

[WorraLiberty]

I meant I would wait til after Christmas

[etJeviensEntretesReindeers]

He doesn't sound very committed. In fact I don't like the sound of it at all, very inequitable.

I wouldn't 'break up with him' but I would make excuses and then gradually detach. Don't lay it on yourself to take the rap for a massive dramatic Christmas break up when there's no need for one. You're not intertwined, at all really - just don't go to his next function. say you don't particularly want to.
He isn't giving anything back, is he? No drama... just gradually withdraw.

[SJisontheway]

If you're not spending Christmas together anyway it wouldn't hurt to hold on for a couple of days...

[NoddyHoldersWig]

Squeaky, he does want a future with me though, he keeps saying when the kids leave home we can think about moving in together. WTF, my youngest is only 7!

See another example is when he's at work he gets an hour lunch break. Rather than sitting in the canteen with the others he goes to sit in his car, puts facebook on his phone hoping that I'll be online. It's just so sad and tbh, tiring.

[squeakytoy]

A future together usually means planning something to happen in a year or so, not a decade or more.

He sounds a bit weird to be quite honest.

[NoddyHoldersWig]

etjeviens - I tried that earlier in the year. It was all going very stale and I couldn't be bothered with a massive break up drama so I just slowly started to detach. Became less available. Started making excuses about seeing him. Within a week he'd joined up to a dating site and began messaging other women (we hadn't officially broken up!!) I know because he messaged my friend who was also using the site (he didn't know her).

God knows why we even stayed together after that. The whole thing has been dragging out far too long now. See deep down I don't think its "me" he wants, he just wants "a" girlfriend who can keep him entertained on weekends, new years eve, birthdays etc. I suppose he kind of proved that last time with the dating site.

[gothicsanta]

It sounds very unequal and if he can,t meet you halfway on things important to you then you should make sure finishing is what you want away from theb hype of Xmas and all that stuff

[etJeviensEntretesReindeers]

Maybe he is with you on these terms now because it suits him and he never, ever has to commit - blow me, in 11 years time, well that gives him plenty of time to find another excuse not to move in with you.

This relationship is permanently on hold, and yes, it is sad. I would be finishing it asap as it's a waste of time. And he knows it.

[etJeviensEntretesReindeers]

x posts - God, he sounds REALLY easy to ditch! Go for it, do the same, let him message other women and find someone else.

You will have lost very little I think, yes? Do you secretly hope he will make a fuss if you tell him it's over? Because it doesn't sound like he will.

[Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit]

Have you posted about him before? Only i seem to remember a similar story- was he the guy who wants you to go on hols with him in ten years time?

Either way, he does sound odd, ditch him! Then you can enjoy christmas day burden-free.

[DoMeDon]

I would have a proper chat with him. Tell him how you genuinely feel. Including the hard to hear bits. I wouldn;t wait till after xmas either. It is just a day and it sounds like he's choosing to have a shit one anyway.

[FetchezLaVache]

WTF, after 3 years he won't have anything to do with your kids, goes on holiday on his own and talks about moving in together when your kids have left home??

He sounds crap and you don't owe him a relationship. YADNBU to want to end the relationship and tbh, I don't think I'd let Christmas stand in my way if I were you. If the only reason you're not seeing him on Christmas Day is his frankly bizarre need to keep a distance from your children, IMO he doesn't really deserve that kind of consideration (or am I being a bit harsh?) Read your other thread- I think it's a good idea not to accept any presents from him or offer them back so he can get a refund.

[NoddyHoldersWig]

To be honest etJev, I've been hoping to catch him going after other women just to give me an excuse. I'd love it if he made no fuss, even better would be for him to break it off with me. I just wish he would but that won't happen because he's too comfortable with it all.

Yes Sausage, he wants to go on holiday with me in 10 years time. Jesus I'll be in my 40s by then. The 10 years in between I'm just expected to sit here and age like a bottle of wine.

I want to tell him tonight but it's Christmas eve I feel so guilty.

[etJeviensEntretesReindeers]

I haven't seen the other thread but it occurs to me that if you just log off or go invisible on your skype/FB/messaging service, (sorry luddite here, I don't use fb etc) he won't be able to talk to you anyway.

Which will make it even easier.

I wish the blokes I'd been out with were this easy to shake off.

[etJeviensEntretesReindeers]

Don't tell him anything. Thats the number 1 rule of breaking up. Just go quiet, disappear, detach, withdraw. Gradually. If he notices, let him ask, then you can say, well actually.....

if he doesn't notice then just carry on doing your own thing.
There is no need to tell him yo're breaking up. Let him figure it out. It's not cruel not to tell him, it doesn't sound like he has any investment in it anyway.

[Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit]

In the nicest possible way, do you honestly think it'll ruin his christmas?

Or will he be on Plenty of Fish by Boxing Day?

Don't waste your 30's on him, you could meet someone great in 2012, if that's what you want. Or he could stop you moving on in life...hanging onto him is putting your own life on hold. And he's not even that into you.

What a waste!

[Schnarkle]

Just don't skype him on Christmas. As you say you're not his entertainment source when all else is unavailable. FFS think about your own life and happiness. He sure isn't putting your feelings first is he?

[NoddyHoldersWig]

He doesn't have that though SecondComing, his only family are his mum and dad and they'll just have a go at him about getting involved in dead end relationships - no support, just lectures. And he's back at work on the 27th.

[NoddyHoldersWig]

I know, I know I think he has aspergers though, all the signs are there so I'm torn between thinking "he's using you!!" and "He doesn't realise he's doing it".

Soft shit, aren't I