I need advice! I may be BU but what would you do with regards to Christmas dinner..

[celebmum]

We usually have all my family (12 total) at ours for Christmas dinner. This week MIL has asked us to go there for Christmas dinner, DH explained that we'd made plans. End of discussion... Nope!
SIL then calls DH and the basic gist of the conversation is that DH will loose his family if we don't go there for dinner [hmmm]

Cue DH being stressed and worked up to the point of losing his rag re what to do.

I have agreed to give backward and uninvite my family 2.5weeks before Christmas and tell them to fend for themselves. (we have the most room hence them coming here, no one else has room for us all!)
All I ask in return is that DH asks/tells PIL to put the 3large dogs that I am allergic to upstairs for a few hours so that I too can enjoy Christmas day.

I usually only go to PIL for an hour or so and take antihistamines but on CD with all the excitement/kids/gifts etc and the fact that we will be there a good few hours I just know that my allergy will flare up big time therefore making me uncomfortable/miserable. We are currently TTC and christmas falls right in the middle of 2WW so I don't really want to be taking antihistamines at this time..

Hope this makes sense!! AIBU?

[happyhorse]

You're being more than reasonable. If they wanted you to go there why didn't they ask sooner? Can your husband compromise with them and say that you'll definitely go to them next year but it's too late, and not fair on your guests, to change plans for this year?

[HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight]

Why the hell should you uninvite your family?! That would be unutterably rude of you.

I think your inlaws are being totally unreasonable, but I think that uninviting your family to cave in to your inlaws blackmail is the wrong thing to do.

You do know that now they know they can control you with this, they will pull it out over and over and over, don't you?

If they are prepared to cut you all out of their lives for the crime of having made plans for christmas and not being willing to be disgustingly rude to those guests so that you can obey some royal command, then imo, they're actually doing you a favour, because you don't need that shit in your life.

And - I seriously doubt they'd follow that through any way.

[ljgibbs]

I wouldn't change my plans and uninvite people, but I'd tell them that I would go the following year.

[WorraLiberty]

I have agreed to give backward and uninvite my family 2.5weeks before Christmas and tell them to fend for themselves

Are you off your head?

Sorry but that's an awful thing to do imo

And not least because you're letting your own family down to give in to emotional blackmail.

[allibaba]

YANBU!! The fact that you have been nice enough to change your own plans this close to Christmas (as lets face it food shopping if you're doing it yourself can take ages to do) means that you are definately NOT BU.

However, the use of emotional blackmail by your SIL to get you all to go round is a tad worrying. Is there a problem with your ILs or do you not see them too often because of the allergy issue? In fact, is there anyway they could come over to you on CD so you don't have to be around the dogs?

[HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight]

me too, lj. An alternating system would be fair.

[WhereTheWildThingsWere]

Wowzers, I don't think you can un-invite your family, it's the 8th of December! That is a bit unreasonable sorry.

Your mil and sil sound like arses, just very politely refuse and leave the ball in their court.

[DamselInDisarray]

I wouldn't uninvited my family this late. A more sensible course of action would be to proceed as planned this year (maybe suggest that they all come to you on boxing day). And suggest that you host your DH's whole family next year (or go to them) and have boxing day with yours.

[celebmum]

I know, I know! I'm incredibly pissed off with PIL for putting us in this situation!

However my family are totally reasonable and genuinely won't mind too much so that males it easier.

MIL has been quite poorly lately so I do feel a bit bad for her in that respect..

It's caused huge problems here at home, and I know I'm a wimp for backing down (it's not being done lightly I assure you! )

[celebmum]

It's bad isn't it.


I was so looking forward to Christmas this year too. DS is nearly 2 and getting in the spirit of 'tanta' this year..

I'm sat here in tears now.

[TeaOneSugarPlumFairy]

You're going to univited your family this close to Christmas

[TeaOneSugarPlumFairy]

Can't you go to your PIL on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve?

Very unreasonable of them to ask you to change plans that involve other people at this stage.

[SaggyHairyArse]

You can't uninvite your family

You can say that it is too short notice but you will definitely go there next Christmas.

[chipmonkey]

Sorry but I think YABU to uninvite your own family because SIL has blackmailed you. Why is it that people who behave nastily get their way and nice people lose out because they don't make a fuss.

[NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies]

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Not at such short notice.

It's very rude of them to wait until this point in time to make an 'invitation' that sounds more like a blackmail demand when most people have had their plans made for several weeks, if not months.

Why have they reacted like this? Has there been trouble in the past because you spend every Christmas with your family, or because your PILs are not invited to your house?

My DH's parents disowned him last year. There has been a family argument of sorts between me and them, which has escalated from something very upsetting but fixable into me being diagnosed with panic attacks and depression due to their controlling and manipulative behaviour. But up until last Christmas I was still prepared to make the effort to get along with them and went for a Christmas meal at their house a few days before Christmas Day.

Until in the week between Christmas and New Year, when we made the mistake of accepting an invite to tea at SIL's house and PIL's took offence that we went to see someone other than them.

They told DH that they were finished with both of us and that he was a tiny part of their lives that was over now, that we thought we were better than them and were taking them for mugs and using them. They tried to tell him that he didn't really know me or what I was really like (we've been married for over ten years, so I think he probably does) and they made a real effort to split us up that continued right into the New Year and is still going on now.

Yet they can't understand why we don't see much of them now. DH has been a handful of times, DS and I haven't been even once. I get too upset and stressed at the thought of seeing them.

There are a lot of problems between them and everyone in the family, going back years, but I'm the first to stand up to them and really stick to it. I refuse to let them treat me badly anymore, but my DH has been like yours in wanting to back down rather than lose his family. We have backed down quite a lot during our marriage to keep the peace but eventually enough was enough and to be honest it sometimes felt less like we were guests in their house and more like we were hostages to their dramatics, forced against our will for the sake of peace and quiet. Normal families don't make you feel like that.

It's taken a lot of bad behaviour on their part to make him see that it's not acceptable for them to do this.

I can see why you have backed down but I don't think it's right or fair, especially if you do have allergies and are TTC as well.

I can't see that it's going to be a happy Christmas day for any of you if you are only spending it with them because of threats and manipulation and you are ill and worried about the medication while TTC.

I hope it all goes well for you, but I think they have behaved very badly towards you both and it's disgraceful that you have had to cancel plans for a large group of people to give in to a silly tantrum and threats of being disowned.

[RockingBEYONDtheXmasTree]

YABVU to uninvite your family!!

Xmas hasnt snuck up on your inlaws. If they wanted to invite you, they've had 49 weeks in which to mention it. If my inlaws demanded we spent xmas with them at any point in December, they would be told to Swivel.

[Flisspaps]

What chipmonkey said. Don't give into THEIR unreasonable demands - if you're willing to do this now, then it tells them that it's completely appropriate to make further unreasonable demands in the future.

[WorraLiberty]

Sorry but being poorly is no excuse for blackmail

'Losing your family' because you've got other plans for Christmas dinner?

Worra load of shite!

[FellatioNelson]

It sounds as if they have become a bit cheesed off with your family always taking precedent every Christmas over theirs. I'm sure they would love to see their son and the GCs on Christmas day just as much as your family love seeing you.

I imagine all they are asking is that you share it around a bit more evenly in future, If there is an issue with space/gods etc, then people can still come to you - just make sure that you alternate who gets to be there in Christmas day. It's only fair.

[IloveJudgeJudy]

You can't really uninvite your family so near Christmas. Can't you go to ILs on Boxing Day? Like some of the others, I really feel that if you don't stand up to your ILs now they will try and run your life in the future. I know it's horrible, but I feel that either you stand up for yourself now or this will eat away at you for a very long time and who knows what you might do when you finally do snap.

[Pandemoniaa]

Anyone capable making of such an outrageous threat deserves to be treated with contempt. I'm not normally someone who suggests cutting contact or being on bad terms with family but there are limits and anyone using emotional blackmail excludes themselves from the usual rules of polite engagement.

Your parents might be "reasonable" about their invitation being withdrawn but they are spectacularly accommodating and it is unacceptable to take advantage of their good nature.

Nobody will have a decent Christmas if your PILs get their way so while it is difficult, I would call their bluff. Point out that it would be the height of rudeness to undo the agreed arrangements for Christmas Day that have been made and suggest you will be very happy to visit on another day.

If your DH is told he will be disowned, he should ask his parents why they think it fair to cause such trouble and put them on the spot. Whatever you do, don't go along with these ridiculous demands.

[Ilovepigs]

fellatio-bollox.

Op-please do not give in this disgusting emotional blackmail. There trying to control and manipulate you will only escalate-believe me!

Stay calm and tell your dh that you WILL be spending xmas at home. Also tell your dh to grow a pair while you are at it.

I used to do the turn about thing with xmas-dh choice as I would far rather stay at home. Then 4 years ago I became estranged from my family and mil took this as her cue that we would spend every xmas with them-forever!

This year I have put my foot down and we are staying at home. I told inlaws this back in august and for the past month they have continually asked us what we are intending to do for xmas

They have been invited to bil-I know this has also been done to try and make me feel guilty and look like the bad dil but I dont give a shit. As far as Im concerned sil has set herself a precedent and she can host them every year

Before any mil from hell come on and tell me what a nasty dil I am-we go to theres for dinner EVERY sunday and have done for the last 15 years. I also usually see them once a week too.

They have been invited to visit on xmas morning or for a buffet on boxing day-up to them whether they accept.

[ToldYaSo]

cant the inlaws come to you too

more the merrier in our house

[celebmum]

Inlaws are always invited here, every year without fail. I would never turn them away!! they chose not to come last year and went to SIL but they were here the 2years previously swell as my family!

We do go to there house usually on Christmas morning for a few hours and pop into SILs to see them too (as u can tell Christmas is very much focused around us pleasing everyone else!)

My mum & sister both have jobs which result anthem only getting Christmas day off. They're back at work boxing day so Christmas day is the only opportunity really for us to get together. Unless we did it a week or so either side of Christmas but that isn't the same IMO.