AIBU to not want friends with children to buy my DD a present?

[1Catherine1]

I know I sound a little tight saying this but money is tight.

Anyway, my friend with a DD occasionally buys my DD presents. Just for no reason but she wants to. She is really nice and we know each other through a mummy coffee morning that we both went to during our maternity leave. Now I occasionally pop round to see her and her DD with my DD after work. She has told me that she has got my DD a Christmas present and tbh I'm a bit at it because now I feel obliged to get her DD a present in return. To make it harder her DD has everything. She gives more toys away to a charity shop (a couple came our way) in a month than my DD has had since she was born (she is 8mo). The pricier toys I have carefully picked out for Christmas for my DD her DD gets just due to her having cousins a couple of years older who have grown out of them.

Just re-read my paragraph and I want to make it clear I am not jealous of my friends child having lots of toys. I just feel that since she has everything already getting her a present that meets her (the mum and DD) expectations is not an easy task.

AIBU to just want everyone to buy only for their own children?
AIBU to not buy lots of toys for my DD? She does have some, I'm buying her 2 toys and a push along walker for Christmas and my DSis has bought her a toy. Is this the norm or am I a little tight?

[pictish]

Yanbu. When you can't afford it (like me) it's an extra expense you can do without. My good friends and I have an arrangement - we all do birthdays but not Christmas. It's too much!

[Irishchic]

oh god you are sooo NBU. One of my friends insists on doing xmas and birthday pressies for all of my 5 kids, (despite my having asked her very sincerely to please not to) which means I feel always obliged to do the same for her kids and I do not have the time or the money to spend that way. All of my other friends with kids have gone along with my wishes on this so i dont know why this friend doesnt. Hate to sound ungracious about it but it just puts me under pressure.

[troisgarcons]

we know each other through a mummy coffee

boak< sorry but arrrrrrrrgh

[pictish]

What insightful input troisgarcons

I'm very cornered by this sort of thing having no money to speak of. What should be a nice reciprocal arrangement, becomes a source of stress for me. It's a case of electricity in the meter, or presents for everyone's children. Can't do both.

[WorraLiberty]

YANBU OP

When money's tight, the unecessary presents do tend to add up

However trois was not being unreasonable either imo

[roastparsnipsandbrusselsprouts]

You should not feel obliged to reciprocate. The quickest way to get the message across would be not to reciprocate. It is a bit awkward the first year but it gets the point across. Most people are grateful not to buy gifts and if she insists on continuing to give then that is her choice.

[oreocrumbs]

This is bugging me this year, talking to one friend earlier today she said she has bought DD something so I asked what I could get her DD and the thing she said was £30 . Also have a couple of other friends who buy for DD and always spend quite a bit, one spent nearly £50 for DD's birthday again! They havn't said if they are getting her a christmas present and I don't know what to do for their DC, I would hate for them to get mine a present and have nothing to give them, but equally I don't have the money to buy lots of children presents, and certainly not if people are expecting presents of that value!!

[maypole1]

I don't care who buys my kids a gift I have a set list and I don't stray from it irony have the funds.

I send their family a card and a thank you letter from my children after a while of giving and only getting a thank you note only the most dedicated carry on


I think it's a bit ungrateful to ask people not to give gifts

Some people show their love in giving my mate loves giving gifts she even buys me gifts for mothers day Because I am a mum if I asked her stoP she would really would be really upset

[A1980]

YANBU. If you can't afford to buy her DD a present and she's got everything, just don't buy her one.

I'm getting sick to bloody death of Christmas. There are no children in my family and I am sick of tired of having to buy presents for grown adults who don't need them just becasue of a calendar date.

[A1980]

^ I'm also sick of getting them tbh. I've often suggested lets just cut our losses, not buy anything for each other and buy ourselves stuff we want in the post xmas sales. Oh no, we can't have that can we! I tried!

[LulaBear]

I don't think YABU but it seems to me your friend is trying to be nice. Maybe get her DD a token gift, like chocolate coins or something?

[LAbaby]

Not at all. We are in your friends position as my son, five months, has four cousins under the age of five who have given him their outgrown toys, plus some very indulgent grandparents. I have never bought him a toy yet our house is cluttered with them, when i see them in stores in shocked at how much they all cost. Yet his favourite thing is a whisk!!
Your friend will probably be grateful not to have any more stuff filling her house, if she is like me. If you don't want to be empty handed then Maybe make the mother some biscuits as a nice gesture, or some homemade sweets like coconut ice?

[randommoment]

Good idea LAbaby.

[hohohoshedittant]

Don't buy her DD a gift, it's the best way to get the message across.

[flamegirl77]

There's no reason to get worked up about it, just don't get them anything.

[Fabi76]

Hello! I agree that you should not worry about it. In my case, I have bought some presents for a friend's children because I like them very much, but I don't expect for them to give anything to my DD, nor do I care if they do or don't.

[yellowraincoat]

I think you should just send a card. No need to apologise, sometimes I buy people stuff just cos I see it and thought they'd like it, no ulterior motive.

[QuietNinjaMincepie]

Blimey I don't give kids presents just to get one back for my son. Would never expect anything for him, I like buying presents. I also try not to spend more than a fiver on friends kids. Only my nephews and niece get more spent on them.

[QueenOfProcrastination]

YANBU. This is one aspect of Christmas I find difficult. Last year was DD's first Christmas and cousins who we've not exchanged gifts with since we were teens sent presents for DD. Cue me running round shops like a mad thing with newborn to buy and post presents for their children.

This year I have a cunning plan. I've bought books for their children that I would have bought for DD at some point. My logic runs thus: I don't know what toys their DC already have but I do know that none of my cousins like lots of clutter so at least a book doesn't take up much space.

All are now wrapped and put away ready to give if they have bought DD something again. I'm not being grabby with not giving gift first, I just don't want to be the one to perpetuate the gift giving (money's tight for all of us, don't want to put them in the situation I was in last year) as I know that, like me, they'd feel very uncomfortable about accepting a gift for their DC without giving one in return. If they don't have a present for DD when we see them, I won't embarrass them by giving their DC a gift, instead the books will either be given to DD at Christmas (if appropriate) or put away for her for another year.

My three closest friends were very blunt this year. The conversation was basically "we're all skint, lets either do Secret Santa for the kids and put all our names on, or buy a present for DC ourselves and put everyone's name on." We opted for Secret Santa as other option seemed too Scrooge-like but we're all happy with it as it all the DC will have a present but it'll only cost each of us £10 instead of £30.

Bloody present etiquette!

[porcamiseria]

its so annoying, yanbu

jyst tell her straight. or not get one back

[frumpet]

I buy for friends children , but i always ask with plenty of notice 'are we doing it this year?' , that way if money is tight people can back out , one friend does this now and thats absolutely fine . I love giving presents but if the givee didnt have the funds to reciprocate and then felt awful and over obliged i would feel dreadful.

[Quenelle]

It's perfectly fine to not buy a present back. You don't give to receive. And if anybody does it's about time they learned.

[TeaOneSugarPlumFairy]

TBH I've stopped buying for friends and neighbours kids, through agreement with the parents.

Even if you can afford a small gift for friends and neighbours dc, you still have to find the time and energy to; think of something, Buy it, Wrap it and deliver it.