To want to give children up for adoption?

[tammygirl]

Ages 3 & 8, they are healthy, beautiful and mostly quite reasonable. But I have run out of steam and feel as though I can't keep going.
I was always terrified by the prospect of parenting because I had awful childhood but DH said he'd do the parenting. So I had big career. But it didn't quite pan out that way. He has gone, so now I work and look after children. There is no family support.
I have done lots of courses and therapy to learn how to parent and teachers have told me my parenting is "superb" based on child's behaviour, but it's not really like that at all. I just try to get through each day with minimum fuss and pray that i can afford to put them through therapy when they need it.
I'm so tired of it, of them, of the relentlessness and honestly feel that if I could post them away it would be a massive relief. Right now just wishing I'd done it ages ago when they were younger and wouldn't remember me much.

[stellarpunk]

Oh goodness!

I am so sorry to hear your having a rough time. Sounds like you need a break. There must be someone in RL who could help? What about their father?

If you gave them away you would remember that for the rest of your life, how would that feel? Would you be able to stomach that, truly?

Parenting is tough but you need a little support. And it's ok to ask for it.

[KatAndKit]

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. Is it possible that you are suffering from depression and could benefit from seeking help with that? Why not make an appointment with your GP for a chat about how you are feeling about things?

I think you are perhaps expecting too much of yourself. Perhaps you had a high achieving career and see being a parent in the same way. I can't yet speak from experience, but I'm sure it isn't like that. There is no right or wrong way and no certificates or medals. Getting through each day with minimum fuss is probably what most people are aiming for to be honest! You sound like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself with courses and therapy to be the "perfect" mum when no such thing really exists, and this is stopping you from relaxing and enjoying your children. You say yourself that they are well behaved so you must be doing really really well.

It must be very hard being a working single parent with no support. I hope if you go and see your GP he/she may also be able to put you in touch with some ways of accessing support.

[neighbourhoodwitch]

So sorry you feel this way. It sounds like you need to getsome help/talk to someone (doctor? counsellor? Health Visitor?). You sound exhausted and possibly depressed (?) and like you desperately need a break. Please keep going - the bad times will pass and your children love you and need you. Big hugs - please hold on x

[SanTEEClaus]

I just try to get through each day with minimum fuss and pray that i can afford to put them through therapy when they need it.

You just described every parent I know.

How about asking a friend to look after them for even an afternoon so you can get a break?

[PosiesOfPoinsettia]

Go and talk to your GP, you sound depressed.

[PosiesOfPoinsettia]

Which area do you live in?

[tammygirl]

thank you so much for your kind replies. I should have explained more, yes to depressed, practically all my life, but have been managing so well for past couple of years. Still take meds, also supplements, try to crowbar in exercise between work and kids. Not doing courses anymore and the therapist died (brain tumour) but I definitely did get a lot stronger through that stuff. Mostly just confidence to be different to my own mother.
The father doesn't want them, I had a meltdown soon after youngest was born and was hospitalised, he signed them over to foster care rather than look after them. I have tried to accept being alone with all this, it is what it is not what I had wished for, and mostly I do, but I guess I always come back to nightmares about my own childhood and terror that I'm doing same to my own children. Wish I had been adopted out.

[maidenheadmum]

I'm so sorry that things have got this bad for you. I agree you sound like you need a well deserved break, you must be exhausted and probably depressed, but you sound like a great parent. You don't have to be perfect just good enough. Ask for help, speak to your dr. Parenting is relentless and tiring when you don't have any respite, especially if you're on your own and so many people seem to have help from grandparents these days. I definitely have days when I could do with a break from them and feel tired and tearful. But don't give them up, that's not the answer, it would bring you terrible suffering.

[Besom]

I'm willing to bet money that you are a good mother, but for some reason you're not connecting with that and feeling it yourself. You do sound very like I felt when I was suffering with PND. I know your children are older but dpression can linger if not treated. I too think you should go to your gp and tell them how you feel. A lot of what you're saying is ringing bells with me - I never took anti depressants but I did have counselling and am very glad I did.

[Besom]

Sorry x posted tammy. Find another therapist?

[fuzzypeach1750]

Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry you feel like this. Where, roughly, are you in this big wide world? If I can help in any way, even if it's just an ear to bend I'll help all I can. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to be perfect, none of us are! Your children live you deeply and need you, their mummy, so very much. You can do it, you will do it.

[neepsntatties]

I am so sorry you are struggling. I have a big fear of turning into my mother but I think that fear will prevent it. You are working hard on yourself through therapy, you will not repeat the cycle. I hope there is someway you can get a break, you sound exhausted.

[LovesBloominChristmas]

You have been through so much. I don't think there is anon who wouldn't feel you like you in your situation.

Are there any friends/family you can talk too and tell them it's getting a bit much at the moment?

It is a tough time of year as well.

[AnyoneforTurps]

It sounds like you need a break. A lot of areas now have schemes for very short-term fostering (e.g. for a weekend) for parents who are struggling. You're doing the hardest job in the world 24/7. A couple of weekends off might make all the difference.

[toptramp]

I feel you op. Parenting IS relentless and tough. Sounds like you are depressed. I am going through a depressed stage at as mum died recently and I am not enjoying motherhood atm. Would do anything for a week away alone. Don't worry; itt WILL get better then they will leave home!

[GColdtimer]

I know you haven't got any family support tammy but how about friends? I always find getting together with other people helps when I am feeling overwhelmed. Have you got work friends? Do the kids do any activities at the weekend. There is a mumsnet local section where you could perhaps arrange to meet other people. .

It also sounds like you would really benefit from more therapy. You are not your mother. whilst you wish you had been adopted your children wouldn't wish the same. In fact they would be damaged beyond belief. You sound like you are doing an amazing job under really hard circumstances.

[PicaK]

I hope you can take some comfort from all the messages of support and understanding. I know it's repeating what's been said before but good mum's care and that's what you are.

You need a break - is there any spare cash for you to get a nanny for one weekend?

[DressDownFriday]

Sorry you're having such a tough time.

What are your children like at home? If the teacher says your child is great at school then you must be doing things right at home. Are they happy children?

How many hours/days do you work? Are you trying to do too much?

Sorry to bombard you with questions. Just trying to get a feel of what your daily routine is like. If you're putting too much pressure on yourself to do well in your career and look after 2 children without support then you're bound to feel this way.

You definitely need to discuss this with someone.

[tammygirl]

To you all, thank you so much. I want to write out all your names but am feeling a total mess so please take this personally, I do appreciate your kindness and also your honesty about your own struggles. I will go away and keep telling myself this bit will pass.
I do have some lovely friends but always feel acutely aware of how busy everyone is. I do ask for help occasionally with pick up/drop offs, though rarely do playdates as cannot reciprocate.
At work everyone is nice and takes a polite interest in my children which is actually really encouraging and I like it at that level, I don't want friendships with them. I have established friendships which are special, I guess the contact is a bit too infrequent and it can get lonely between catch ups because of our lifestyles and also me with cc issues/little money.
to be honest I should probably go back to counselling as that did help, I'll think about that. I couldn't bear it after the therapist died, felt so rotten for struggling with my life when she didn't even have her life anymore.
It probably is a little bit to do with Christmas, the children are so excited and captivated but I am getting tired from the extra things on and feel a bit sad about the ex situation. Sorry if that is just totally miserable and unreasonable.

[porcamiseria]

OH tammy what a sad post. I think there is clearly a huge amount going on for you right now. and I am so sad that there Dad has just fucked off like that. You need help and you need a break I think

sending lots of love and moral support, and I hope that you can get the help you need, both practical and emotonal

[AKMD]

I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. TBH I think many parents feel this way at one time or another; I know I certainly have, but not for this length of time.

It sounds to me like you are an excellent mother but you have had such a lot to deal with that you don't recognise it. I would find another therapist and go and meet up with some other mums in real life, just so you have an outlet.

I've also asked for this to be moved to another part of MN so you get more support.

[tammygirl]

DressDownFriday - I work 30hrs, no problem with time off/working from home etc
They are very loving children, the youngest is very talkative and joyful, he laughs frequently and is given to frequent bouts of unreasonableness, the older is much more serious, a bookworm/draws a lot and likes writing poems.

Bottom line is I need to take some deep breaths and figure out some more support. Clearly.

[Gay40]

We all feel like this at times...you are not alone.
What with Christmas and everything else, I can well understand those women who just pop to the shops with their purse and never come back. But you must be doing quite a lot of things right from the description of your children, plus holding down a full time job. It is relentless but somehow, somehow, you need to make some time for you - even if that is wandering in town for a few hours stopping for a coffee when YOU feel like it and going in and out of shops at your own pace.
And remember we are all just making it up as we go along at being parents x

[WhoopsyLa]

It's very hard WITH a partner...neve mind alone. You sound like a great parent and no doubt you will feel much better when Christmas is over....its very overwhelming with all the extra activities.

Have you thought about Surestart? They offer help at home for wiped out parents?