to not know how to handle this situation with DS (13)

[Belini]

DS1 has just handed me the following note... Dear Miss Belini, Please can you contact the school t arrange a time to meet with me. Alternatively bring DS in with you on Thursday 1/12 at 10 am. There is an important issue to discuss. Thanks Mr. X DHT.

DS as it turns out punched another boy in the stomach because the boy pushed him. I am he thought this was the way to deal with it. He has not been brought up to think you solve things with violence. I am also that I have only been told about this tonight. DS says he showed me the note because he knew the school wouldn't let him go to classes if I don't go to this meeting. To top it all he was given this letter on Monday so I am that the school may think I am not interested as I have not been in contact with them.

What do you think the likely outcome will be? Am I right in thinking most schools have a zero tolerance on physcal violence therefore DS will be suspended?
Should I also come down hard on the secrecy or will this make him even less likely to share things in the future?
DS has never been in trouble for violence before I am very

[mumnotmachine]

I would be saying "Well done son" if Im honest!
I have a zero tolerance for starting violence- but your son is not the one that started it- he did right to defend himself.
And I hope if your son is being punished then the boy who started it will be too.

[squeakytoy]

The school will probably be used to kids "forgetting" to pass notes on.

No idea what the outcome will be, but if it is a first incident, and was in retaliation, and his behaviour in general is normally good, I doubt they would suspend him.

I wouldnt go too hard on him for the secrecy, he is probably shitting himself a bit, and at least he has come clean now rather than after the meeting or not at all.

[northerngirl41]

I think DS is in more trouble than if he'd just handed you the note when he got it - and I would tell the school you've only just got it too so they can rearrange their disciplinary procedures...

But it sounds like they are going to have a discussion about how to deal with it, so go in with an open mind.

[Pancakeflipper]

If this is a first hauling in, then I doubt it will be a suspension. And they wouldn't wait from Monday until Thurs.

He probably hasn't given the letter to you because he knows he has stuffed up, is ashamed, knows you will be aghast and knows there could be a fierce punishment to face.

You say this is really out of character for him. Is there something going on that would make him react like this? Bullying? School stresses? Home stresses? You can ask the DHT this if you are clueless.

I would probably take son for a walk or a coffee and biscuit somewhere neutral at the weekend when you are feeling calmer and say you are disappointed, but it is not the end of the world, we all stuff up but part of growing up is learning how you deal with stuff after stuffing up that makes a difference. Ask gently about the secrecy and say you are there for him and can help him and you know it's no picnic growing up.

[Sloobreeus]

Your DS snapped when provoked. Tell his teacher that you consider both boys to have behaved wrongly and that you do not advocate retaliation. Also explain how long it took your DS to give you the note (any teacher will be well used to parents saying that they either don't receive notes at all or they receive them belatedly). Then go to the positive and discuss how you, your DS and the school can co-operate to try to prevent this happening again. You can also ask if the other boy's parents have been asked to come in. Have you discussed the matter calmly with your son? Tell him that in adult life such behaviour in the street involving two people could mean criminal charges. Good luck - keep us posted.

[Tortu]

Has he not already been suspended? This sounds like a 'return from exclusion' meeting to me. That is the only time we give parents a specific time slot in which to visit us during school hours. It is also the only time we would refuse to let a student attend any lessons. I mean, why refuse to let him attend lessons only on Thursday and not Tuesday and Wednesday too?

Obviously, though, I would have assumed you would have noticed him not attending school. Has he had an internal exclusion? There are a few things about this that sound a little odd. For an exclusion, we would make a big effort to contact parents, for a start!

If he hasn't already been suspended, then it is unlikely that he will be suspended now. This is normally an immediate action to show that a behaviour is not tolerated. However, if I were the teacher then, yes, I would assume that your lack of contact with them indicated that you were a neglectful parent. This would be easily remedied (and best for you DS too), if you immediately show them that you fully support the school's punishment. It sounds like you will anyway, but in general, the children who sort themselves out are the ones who are clearly shown what behaviours are acceptable and which ones are not. He has strayed from the way you've brought him up too, as well as the school, so we'd be impressed by parents who indicated they were issuing their own punishments in addition to ours.

I'm sure you're furious, but it sounds like you're the sort of parent we love, so I'm sure it'll be fine tomorrow. I doubt your DS will be doing this again!

[Belini]

The school could not contact me because we moved house recently and I had forgotten to send in a note to give new address and telephone number (now I really look bad). Also DS school was closed today due to strike. Having spoken to him again it turns out this incident was only reported yesterday and this was also when he was given the note. He did previously say it was Mon. This leaves me wondering when I was supposed to contact them though

[Tortu]

Ahhh. That explains some things.

Right, this could be 'the exclusion' meeting then, but I'll place bets that it's not. It does sound to me as though it is a slightly more complicated situation than your son has let on- not least because of the timedelay in reporting it. If that was us, we would no longer have the incident on film and so couldn't see what happened. But if it's not immediately obvious that there's been a fight (big crowd gathered/ blood/ ripped clothes etc.), then there's usually no need to an exclusion.

It is quite unusual for a boy who is well-brought up (clearly he is) and with a previously good track record to suddenly start fighting. The school may be looking into the causes (has he been bullied do you think?) as well as discussing punishments.

Don't worry about them not being able to get in contact with you. This is not unusual, but make sure you do update your contact details.

[flyingspaghettimonster]

This happened with my son a few weeks back... but he is 5. The teacher explained my son had been pushed over by another little kid, and he reacted by punching the kid in the stomach and winding him. Apparently the other boy would have been in trouble, except for the fact my son hurt him enough to make him cry and didn't seem hurt himself. I said I felt both boys were to blame, my son for over -reacting, the other boy for randomly shoving him. The school then agreed, and neither child was punished, but both were told not to react like that again. Some kids do find it hard to gauge how to respond to a violent and sudden action so over-defend, sounds like your son did this. I'd go along with whatever the school says, but say that the other boy should be punished too for starting it. Then explain to your son about how to react to aggressive behaviour. My son now knows he is meant to tell a teacher if it happens again, it isn't exactly what I would have suggested as I'd rather he defended himself without actually hitting than be a snitch, but that's school rules.