to get the woman to remove her shoes or is she BU by being rude?

[teddiegoestopeckham]

my BIL came over today with his new partner to meet me and DH (his brother). They came over for a few hours for a late lunch/tea.

Anyway i open the door for them (BIL already holding his coat :) ). anyway all the hellos, hugs, come in etc.
BIL automatically takes his shoes off and puts some of the slippers we have out for guests.
She looks very shocked by this and doesn't make a move to either take off her shoes or even ask if i would like her to take her shoes off (i am barefoot)

Anyway when I realise that she isn't taking her shoes off and asks her nicely and politely if she would mind taking her shoes off and if she would like we have slippers for guests (we have a pile like the ones BIL put on and they are very obvious)

BIL looks a bit awkward at his point and then she says' 'no, thank you' and walks though.

I was just stunned and so was BIL obviously.

But it would have been rude to say anything so i just let her carry on. And told DH when he came in about 15mins later not to say anything.

I'm japanese - and to me leaving your shoes on when entering someones house is a no no. I have managed over the years to be okay if someone just walks in to pick something up or drop something off. but if someone is coming in properly. They take their shoes off.

Even forgetting the culture I and this comes from - sure it is rude to reply like that when you are a guest into someones home?

or AIBU in asking people to remove their shoes upon entering??
I'm doubting both now...

[SantieMaggie]

No i think she's being rude and should respect your culture/ request.

[merlin]

I think she was rude! Particularly as you have slippers especially for your guests - she didn't need to go barefoot!

I can't remember anyone - old or new friends - who have never removed their shoes or asked me if they should take them off.

[PontyMython]

I think it's rude. The host's rules on that sort of thing should be obeyed, cultural reasons or not, IMO.

Console yourself in the fact that she was probably embarrassed by her threadbare socks and stinky feet :)

[KittyAnne]

YABU to expect her to wear skanky slippers.

This really puts the problems in the Middle East into perspective...

[merlin]

I'm sure they weren't skanky Kitty.

[troisgarcons]

Ummmm .... I come too come from a culture where it is expected shoes are taken off and left in the porch /on the door mat ......I find the British thing of tramping __shit-- diert through your house very imposite!

BUT! having said that , perhaps she has a bit of a thing about feet? I dont particularly like other peoples feet and would assume they woudl be in socks or tights.

People can get a bit peculiar about wearing previously used slippers/shoes.

[Callisto]

OMG, I would be horrified if someone asked me to take my shoes off and put some revolting slippers on. How anal are you?

[HarryHillatemygoldfish]

Hmm, I can see both sides.
I prefer people to remove shoes and expect children to but I wouldn't ask an adult to.
Lots of people would feel uncomfortable barefoot, maybe they haven't done their feet or have horrid socks on, not expecting to have to remove shoes. I also absolutely could not wear slippers that weren't mine. That would make me shudder.

I think it is reasonable to ask your guests if they would like to remove their shoes but I think it us unreasonable to get huffy if they don't.

[Callisto]

Ah, I see you're Japanese, ignore that last bit.

[Kellamity]

I might go bare foot but I would pass on your offer of slippers ew!

[troisgarcons]

*feck that post is illiterate and HTML buggered!


here: I find the British thing of tramping shit dirt through your house very impolite!!

[blackoutthexmaslights]

its bloody rude!

its shoes off in this house!

[KalSkirata]

yanbu. Wearing outdoor shoes indoors is vile.

[Sparklingbrook]

I think this is on the list of things that have been debated a bajillion times on Mumsnet.
There is no right or wrong answer I'm afraid.

[letmehelp]

This is a tough one. I believe in "posh" English homes (I wouldn't know) it's considered a bit naff to remove your shoes. I was reminded of this when SIL's MIL sharply ordered her DH to put his back on when he's slipped them off one Christmas Day afternoon!

But, as you have slippers she wouldn't have needed to go barefoot.

OTH, as your BIL knows your rules and culture and it was a planned visit, rather than just popping in IYSWIM, I would have expected him to explain in advance and give her the opportunity to bring her own slippers TBH.

[slavetofilofax]

I think you were being rude to ask her to take off her shoes.

Apart from anything else, some people have health conditions that mean they have to take extra care of their feet, and that does not include wearing nothing or someone elses slippers.

And some people just really don't like taking off their shoes, so while you are in a culture where people don't feel it's a huge no no not to, then you have to respect that. Same as they would just have to deal with not liking taking off their shoes in a culture where it is customary to.

Unless you were offering those fresh padded slippers sealed in a little packet that you get at posh heath spas, I think YABU.

[StrongestMummyInTheWorld]

No, you aren't being unreasonable. Lots of English people (are you in England?) have a no-shoes rule. I do and no-one over the age of 3 has ever objected or refused. I've had a few 3-year-olds question it, but they also ask why they have to wear pants.

[peacypops]

She was definitely unreasonable - wearing outdoor shoes indoors is a no-no for me too. I would always offer to remove my shoes when visiting someone else's home.

[BoysBoysBoysAndMe]

YANBU. But maybe she was embarrassed about her feet?

Just you or your DH ask BIL to let her know that next time she will be expected to take her shoes off.

It's just manners if you're a guest in someone's home to follow their ways of doing things.

If she still refuses then I would it is custom in Japan and it is seen as rude.

If you asked her not to smoke, then she lit up a fag she would be in the wrong. And I think she is in the wrong here.

[Mooja]

I doubt the op leaves 'skanky' slippers out for guests.

She was being rude.

[KittyAnne]

@Merlin- they are communal slippers. Enough said.

[BoysBoysBoysAndMe]

She didn't HAVE to wear the slippers -just take her shoes off!

[teddiegoestopeckham]

slippers definatly aren't skanky - what a thought. they are kept in individual clear palstic bags in a pile and washed every time they are used even if it was only for a minute. I also make sure to replace them at intervals.

yep only asked her once - to push it would have been rude

[Sandalwood]

Yes it is rude. It's rude to tell someone to take their shoes off and make them feel uncomfortable when they are a guest.

Yuk to the slippers too.