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AIBU?

To tell my Dad I think he is selfish and if he is to be happy he needs to address this?

20 replies

BoobleBeep · 22/11/2011 10:07

I'd like to get some opinions on this!

In my opinion my Father is very self absorbed and sometimes downright selfish in the sense it is all about him, how things affect him and only looking at situations from his own perspective. He doesn't do this on purpose and is not a bad person, he has just been very spoilt during his life and doesn't have great social skills.

He has gone from one relationship disaster to the next & is rarely single. He spends all his money on psychotherapy and new age retreats, which I feel is a good thing, although for him it seems to make him more self absorbed..

He is now quite lonely & lost in his life after his last break up and I feel I need to tell him where I think he is going wrong, not out of spite but out of concern. I don't want to hurt him and I realise this is only my perception (although DH & my mum also find him selfish)

We have a good relationship & are very open with each other.

AIBU?!?!

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eaglewings · 22/11/2011 10:10

Does he spend any of his time volunteering or helping others?

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BoobleBeep · 22/11/2011 10:13

He loathes to put himself out on behalf of someone else unless there is some benefit in it for him

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redskyatnight · 22/11/2011 10:17

If he's that selfish and self-absorbed he won't be able to see it from your point of view and will think you are wrong.

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Esta3GG · 22/11/2011 10:19

Well - he is who he is. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
Sometimes it is just better to accept people for who they are (with all their foibles.)

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BoobleBeep · 22/11/2011 10:21

I just want him to stop making the same mistakes, perhaps I should suggest he does some volunteering?!

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Esta3GG · 22/11/2011 10:23

It's his life - he can do as he pleases.

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Dozer · 22/11/2011 10:23

If he asks for your advice, be honest, and have some ideas of positive things he could do. If he doesn't ask, would be interfering.

Is he selfish towards you, and you would like him to change that, or are you just keen to help him in his own life?

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BoobleBeep · 22/11/2011 10:32

Esta3GG - Yes I understand that, which is exactly what he has been doing and is now very unhappy

Dozer - He is selfish towards me but it doesn't really bother me, I want to help him in his own life, he isn't getting any younger and I feel quite sad for him & the situations he creates

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Flanelle · 22/11/2011 10:34

Not much you can do about it really.

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lottiegb · 22/11/2011 10:39

Sounds a bit hopeless at his age but you could try to address it indirectly e.g. if he tells you about instances when people didn't respond as he'd hoped, you could say 'well I can see why, I might not have taken that too well either' and hope he asks you to explain.

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BoobleBeep · 22/11/2011 10:43

He's quite into straight talking, I don't mean sitting him down and telling him he's a selfish bastard but just giving him my take on his situations, it may make him think, he seems keen to change considering all teh self help activities he does.

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Katisha · 22/11/2011 10:45

I think its worth a try. What about sticking it all in a letter?

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eaglewings · 22/11/2011 10:46

How old is he?
Does he wear you down with his moaning?

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springydaffs · 22/11/2011 10:50

Do you have a history of being straight with one another? If so then I think you can tell him straight. YOu don't sound angry with him at all, just sad that he's making (made?) a mess of his life. imo it is vital to keep the giving up if your nature is self-absorbed/selfish, so the volunteering is a way of giving that may work like magic (though he will probably find some way to be self-serving even within that eventually). He may kick off if you tell him straight but he may hear in there somewhere that the reason you're saying it is because you care.

I'm longing to have that 'you're selfish dad' convo with my dad, but he's not on his uppers so I doubt would want to hear.

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springydaffs · 22/11/2011 10:52

I wouldn't put it in a letter tbh.

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BoobleBeep · 22/11/2011 11:26

He's 55 and yes he does moan a lot

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VFVF · 22/11/2011 12:25

Booblebeep Are you my sibling? Your description sounds exactly like my Dad!

I'm sorry I wish I could help but so far have been completely unable to deal with my Dad's selfishness (namely using me as his emotional crutch at all times) but I wish you good luck if you decide to confront him.

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Solola · 22/11/2011 20:43

Sounds like my dad too! My dad is also into self awareness activities and actually is a professional counsellor to other people which always amazes me.

I have had several turning point moments in life where I have decided to be very honest and direct with him about how his actions have affected me, and to be fair to him he has always responded respectfully and apologised. I wouldn't say it has made huge changes to his behaviour but it has defused the tension between us and kept our relationship stronger than it would have been if I just let my resentment simmer.

You probably know it having this talk is not going to change his personality, but at least it would move the 'where am i going wrong' conversations forward a bit and you'd be able to support and advice him from a more honest perspective.

You sound like a caring person who could do this gracefully so in answer to your post YANBU - got for it!

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eaglewings · 22/11/2011 23:32

He is so young!

He should have plenty of energy to volunteer, my dad is 76 and is always busy

As fo the moaning, it ok to tell him
"ok you have told me you don't like , what are you going to do about it? When he has come up with an answer tell him you won't listen to him moaning about again until he has done the positive thing.

Mum used to moan about her neighbours and as I wouldn't hear her moan any more she moved! 12 hours away :)

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mamamoonmim · 23/11/2011 00:08

Nothing good can come of telling someone they're selfish.
You need to be tactful
Where do you think he's going wrong out of curiosity?

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