AIBU to be fed up with 'part time' friend?

[redrosette]

I have a friend/colleague who has just posted on facebook about how 'at times like these you know who your friends are'.

Now I dont know if she means to attack me or someone else but I do feel very annoyed.

You see, we work together, and earlier this year I had difficulties at work with regards to bullying and had to go through a whole grievance procedure that was extremely stressful. My husband also lost his job through redundancy. I ended up in hospital which I wont go into much detail about. I had lots of other problems too.

My friend was not very supportive beyond a few short emails. Every time I asked to meet up for a coffee she would text me 10 minutes before (when I was already at the place waiting) to say something had come up. I really needed a friend but she wasn't really interested. She was also a witness to much of the bullying but would not give a statement.

Now, she's off work sick. Has been off for two months now with 'stress'. I popped round unexpectedly with flowers and she couldn't get rid of me quick enough. She was having a party and looked fine to me. I dont know what she's stressed about to be honest, maybe I shouldn't be saying that, but she's just moved into a HUGE house left to her by her grandmother and also got left quite a wad of money as well.

I've known her 9 years and I've never been invited to any of her homes. I've never gone further than the hall in any of them. She's been here loads of times though. I've given her lifts, given her daughter presents at birthdays and christmases, and supported her through a brief separation 4 years ago with her husband.

At the most recent daughter's birthday I never got a thank you or anything (put a card with money through the door as she wouldn't answer, despite me seeing her through the window!!)

Also she went on a course through work a while back that led to promotion, and moaned about how difficult her new role is, now I'm going through the same course she seems annoyed about it, almost as though she doesn't think I deserve it?

Anyway, sorry to waffle on but I'm just so annoyed that she seems to expect support now when she hasn't been there for me when I've needed her, or has appreciated my support in the past.

AIBU? I've started to back off from her even though we still work together. Is that the right thing for me to do?

[Kayano]

Sorry but my first thought was 'she's just not that into you'

[SuePurblybiltbyElves]

I doubt she's aiming it at you - it honestly doesn't sound as if she is that bothered about you one way or another. Sorry .

And yes, ignore her as much as you can while still being civil.

[Nanny0gg]

Why on earth are you bothering?
Just read back what you've written and answer your own question.
Then stick with the friends you've got that matter.

[ENormaSnob]

She's not really your friend IMO

Just leave it now.

[diabolo]

It does sound as though she doesn't really like you, sorry.

I doubt the FB thing is aimed at you though, if she's never even invited you into her home(s), then she probably doesn't count you as a friend.

So yes, back off a bit and treat her like you would any other colleague.

[ShellyBoobs]

I'm not really sure how you are classing her as a friend?

Unless there's something else you've not mentioned, your relationship with her sounds like it's just the relationship you have with any colleague you vaguely get along with.

[veryconfusedatthemoment]

Colleague friendships can be very wierd at times. I now try to be friendly but without being too emotionally committed. Then if you get let down you dont mind so much.

[tethersend]

She knows who her friends are... You don't.

She is not your friend.

Back off as far as you can, and make some proper friends who will support you in the same way you support them.

[HeresTheThingBooyhoo]

sorry but you sound really needy. why are you buying birthday presents for her DD when it is very clear this woman sees you as nothing more that a colleague. you have known her 9 years and haven't been past her hallway. she even hid and refused to answer the door to you!! what does that tell you?

stop bothering. she will probably be relieved not to have to pretend to enjoy your attention.

and why would the FB thing be about you?

[oldraver]

Tempting as it would be to post on her FB.... 'welcome to my world'... I wouldn't waste my energy. Move on, and stop running round after her.

[Towndon]

YANBU.

When people say "you know who your friends are" they sound so self-absorbed and judgy. It's a self-righteous comment which makes things all about them. It doesn't make any attempt to see things from a different angle or see that there could be good reasons for things that they haven't thought of.

Very passive-aggressive to post such a generalised comment on FB, instead of just talking to people directly and sorting out any niggles that way.

[rocksandhardplaces]

She was vaguebooking and deserves a kick up the arse for that but agree she doesn't view you as a friend.

I have been burned by this with a colleague... met her almost weekly on mat leave (she was too) and I naively thought this made us "proper" friends. When she went back to work, it was clear I was back to just-a-colleague status, no more phonecalls/meet ups etc. It went from almost daily chatting to pretty much nothing, and was very clear to me that basically she didn't "need" the friendship once she had the diversion of work again. She was just bored and using me.

It sucks but it's real life. Colleagues can be arses.

[redrosette]

Well we used to be quite close, or so I thought, until about 3 years ago when we seem to have drifted apart, particularly at her end. We would socialise (although I still never got invited to her house) and we share a family circumstance which brought us together, discussing it and supporting each other. I'm not sure what's changed really, its like she's not interested any more and I'm the one making all the effort, but I wont bother any more. Its hurtful and sad though.

[prettyfly1]

Look, I feel really bad for what happened to you earlier this year and I hope things are improving for you and your partner now but I have to be honest, you sound very kind but really very needy. She doesnt want to be your friend, you have no reason to believe the fb thing was about you, she has made it clear that she doesnt want you in her space or life. Clinging on is leaving you feeling paranoid and upset and rendering you a bit mad. Delete her from fb, stop trying to buy her affection and running around after her and spend some time with people who appreciate you. You sound very sweet and thoughtful and you should give that to people who respect it. This woman clearly finds you hard work so just walk away.

[Towndon]

Agree :)

"You sound very sweet and thoughtful and you should give that to people who respect it."

[DressDownFriday]

She's not your friend and doesn't appear to want to be your friend. I'd go far as to say she was trying to avoid you if she wasn't answering the door to your knocking. ignore her and delete her from Facebook.

Are you perhaps lonely? Do you have any friends that would appreciate your company instead?

[pictish]

She isn't your friend. Sorry. She views you as an aquaintance and nothing more.
Save your energies for someone who has the time and inclination to return your thoughfulness. Leave her be.

[Cherriesarelovely]

She sounds dreadful. Drop her please! I absolutely hate it when people put stuff like that on facebook. It is always a dig at others which I think is cowardly.

[redrosette]

I do have other friends so I wouldn't say I'm needy. I do have a reputation for being too nice to people and then being let down, stabbed in the back etc :(

I would say though that this year in particular, I'm realising who the true friends are and distancing myself from those who aren't, which I guess I'm going to do with this one.

[LoveBeingAFirework]

'at times like these you know who your friends are'.

It's true and she wasn't there for you, she is not a friend please let go of her.