Sikh wedding 'dress code' AIBU ?

[dieforrestdie]

okay me and DP are getting married (I'm 1st Gen bristish punjabian sikh and DP is white british) So we included little fact cards in the invites (with what will happen during sikh part - as part sikh, part civil ceromony, offically getting married in registry office then skipping over to Gurdwara for the rest (no offical religious part).)
In this we included a little thing about clothes. Saying I will be dressed in the traditional way while DP will just be in a suit and that all guests are welcome to wear whatever they like (then included little help bits for those who wish to wear traditional punjabian dress - esp the woman)

Anyway we asked if posible all guest could wear bright colours or just colour. And asked if black and white could be avoided as bad luck (said men are welcome to wear black suits if they have nothing else)

I suppose this isn't that unusual for guests to not wear white or black to others wedding.

But we also asked if people can stay away from red as this is the colour the bride wears.

Anyway one of DPs cousins is kicking up a fuss.

She said was the dress code compulsory. We said well no but... basically yes. and explained it would be the same as her wearing white to a traditional western wedding.

She wont acept it as the same and is saying that having a dress code for a wedding in bridezilla like and guests should wear what they want to.
And her DD has a good outfit that is red and she is not going to put her in anything else.

It has thrown me - AIBU to have written it down and expect people to follow the so called 'dress code'

[troisgarcons]

My friend is a Sikh and got married in green and pink.

[manicbmc]

I'd say it's very bad mannered of your dp's cousin to not manage to follow a very easy going dress code for one day.

Cousinzilla!

[samandi]

It doesn't sound at all unreasonable to me.

[spookshowangellovesit]

i dont think you are being unreasonable, if you are going to be wearing red it would be as bad as someone wearing a white dress to a trad British wedding imo. different if you hadnt said anything but since you have asked in advance its not hard to ask people to avoid certain things is it?
not like you are insisting on trad sikh wear.

[MrsCarriePooter]

Yes guests should generally be able to wear what they want but you haven't specified it to the n'th degree (eg those weddings where they decree everyone wears black or something). No YANBU given it's a "different" kind of wedding (presumably to all your guests since it's not entirely traditionally Sikh either?) - certainly if I were going to a Sikh wedding I would be very grateful for the tips, since the last thing I'd want to do is offend someone.

BUT - if it were a traditional British wedding, I wouldn't be offended if a child wore white (or indeed if anyone wore white plus another colour, as long as it wasn't long and solely white) - so unless it's very different in Sikh culture, I wouldn't kick off about a child (assuming she is) in red.

[frumpet]

TBH i dont really see what her problem is , you have kindly explained the protocol for a sikh wedding and she has decided to take offence . Red is a difficult colour for many people to wear ,epecially as an evening goes on , too much wine and your outfit and cheeks tend to clash
Am marking my place as my brother is engaged to a girl who is sikh .

[Uglymush]

I don't think you were being unreasonable! As you say females wouldn't wear white to a traditional British wedding. All you have really asked is that people don't wear red as that is your colour or black and white as you believe it to be unlucky. You have not said they must wear traditional Sikh dress.

Is she likely to listen too your DP, could he have a word? Or someone else is DP's family?

[Teladi]

YANBU - very thoughtful of you to include this info in your invites, such a shame it has not been taken as intended!

[IneedAbetterNickname]

I kind of agree that you can't make guests wear or not wear a certain colour. While I fully understand that you don't want them to wear red, and I wouldn't want anyone else to wear white if I ever get married, some people don't see it as a problem, esp if it's a child wearing that colour. I personally wouldn't wear white to someone elses wedding, but know people that have done on more than one occasion. I don't know if I have worded this very well, so I hope you get the gist!

[NinkyNonker]

Difficult. I have seen some wear versions of cream to weddings and no-one cared and the guests looked great, I wouldn't do it personally. How old is the dd? People are unlikely to confuse you. But to be honest I would follow your recs anyway.

[thenightsky]

Cousin is being a twat. It's a very easy code for goodness sake. TBH if she is the only one who breaks the code on the day, then other's will notice and whisper and she will be the one feeling bad. Ignore her and do not let her spoil your day.

Congrats on your wedding by the way

[redcamels]

YANBU.

She is being a tad ignorant.

[joanofarchitrave]

Ridiculous of her to contact you - she has no manners whatever she thought of the request. A Bridezilla dress code would be 'please wear pink and no guests in any other colour will be admitted' or 'bikinis only please'. YABU at all but if she actually has the neck to follow through on this I assure you it will be at most a twinge in your happy day - rise above it. My feeling is that she will realise after a few days/weeks that actually the world won't end if she puts her daughter in something else. What an idiot.

[benandhollyandgaston]

I don't think YABU.

BUT, how old is her DD? Because I don't think anyone would object to a toddler in a white dress at a traditional wedding if we're drawing comparisons.

[bushymcbush]

Yanbu. She is bu.

Tell her she can wear / dress her daughter in whatever she likes. She's going to get some funny looks on the day. If it's a little girl wearing red it might not look all that strange though - she could hardly be mistaken for the bride!

(troisgarcons - red is definitely the traditional colour for Sikh brides)

[amistillsexy]

Not unreasonable at all. I was shocked when my cousin turned up at my very traditional church wedding in an off-the-shoulder, skin tight, split up the thigh, black dress.

I hadn't exactly 'banned' these dresses but...well...I still feel a bit when I look at the photos.

The thing is, some people are like that. They do want to upstage the bride, and will do anything they can to do so jealous cows .

When it comes to the wedding, you will be stunning, your wedding will be an occassion everyone remembers, and anyone who sees your cousin in her dress will look at her with a look because they've all read your request.

If she chooses to ignore you, it will say more about her than it does about you, TBH, so I should simply reitterate your request and let her conscience be her guide.

[EleanorRathbone]

I think it doesn't count if it's a child.

However, I'd put it along this lines to her:

"oh if little cousin wants to wear red, that's fine by me, as long as she's brave enough to put up with the evils from all my aunts and other rellies - because it's traditional they mgiht think she is deliberately breaking a dress code and being bad mannered and although I don't mind, I'm concerned that she'll feel a bit awkward about standing out in the crowd - will she be OK with that, will she feel a bit too self conscious? Up to her of course, no skin off my nose..."

[DogsBestFriend]

You'd have thought that the woman would have been grateful for the advice on Sikh dress so that she didn't inadvertantly offend, wouldn't you? Or even, of she wished, so that she could adopt all or part of Punjabian attire as her outfit for the day.

I think what you've done is lovely, especially the tips about Punjabian dress for those who wish to wear it. You haven't been pushy, you've just explained your culture and respectfully asked folk to observe a couple of things.

(And this comes from an Englishwoman with no faith).

YANBU but DPs cousin is! Make sure you sit her at the draughty table in the corner at your reception, next to the most boring guest you can find.

[HoneyandHaycorns]

As a White British woman married to a Sikh Punjabi guy, I would say that your DP's sister is BU. It's your wedding, you should be allowed to say how you want things to be. And wearing red at a Sikh wedding is similar to wearing white at a western wedding.

Having said that, I don't think it's worth falling out over. She is your future SIL after all, so I would let it go and let her wear what she wants - You have said what you prefer, and now the ball is in her court. If her dd wears red, it won't really ruin your day. Your SIL will just look like a bit of a selfish, thoughtless idiot.

Could it be that SIL is short of cash and can't afford another outfit for dd? If that's the case, could you help with the costs in any way?

[Romilly70]

sorry but i think YAB a bit U
why should the cousin have to buy a new outfit for a child - she is not going to be mixed up with you as the bride.

If it was a traditional british wedding, i think that eyebrows would be raised if the bride started dictating the dress code. I think saying lounge suit / traditional dress etc is fine, but then to start specifying colours is bridezilla ish

[Rhubarbgarden]

Yanbu. You have been very polite and thoughtful, explaining everything to your guests like this. Your dp's cousin on the other hand is being plain rude, selfish and pretty ignorant too. I would handle this by being 'terribly nice' about it and tell her she can wear red if she wants to but she should expect that many other guests will find her choice odd and rather rude, so she will need to prepare herself for some looks of contempt; obviously you are just trying to protect her from feeling uncomfortable...

I went to a Sikh wedding years ago and it was one of the best weddings I've ever been to. What a party. Can I come to yours??

[HoneyandHaycorns]

Ah, sorry - it's DP's cousin not sister. I'd just let it go if I were you.

[EdlessAllenPoe]

YANBU

black is of questionable suitability for a wedding anyway.
white also.

red....if the bride is going to wear it - then yes, also out of bounds.

although i doubt anyone else will be in a sari so heavy with gold they can barely walk (like my mate did :))

[lovingthecoast]

YANBU! It's not as if you have demanded that all guests wear a certain colour or tar themselves in feathers or something. You have simply explained that in the same way that western women know not to wear white to a 'white wedding', that female guests should not wear red to your Sikh wedding.

I don't see her problem at all. Her DD must have lots of dresses she could choose from. It's especially annoying that she doesn't see it the same as the not wearing white thing as it is exactly the same. Some people just like to behave this way unfortunately and I wouldn't be surprised if you don't see it time and again down the years.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

YANBU to specify the dress code. However, this is a child, not a young woman about your age.

I have often seen little girls in white or cream at weddings - I would have thought it was quite ok for a child.

FWIW My MIL wore a cream dress to my wedding and everyone thought she looked stunning. No-one thought she looked like me because, erm, I was the one in a bride's dress.